For all those that hurt me:
Welp - A Diary into My Life
So you put up with constant abuse from others because you don't know why, but you don't want to lose the only people who ever interact with you... Even at the risk of your mental sanity.
I spent so much of my life feeling like a burden. From a young age I realized quickly I was treated differently in my family. I recall Christmas's where I was given nothing from extended family while my father went and bought gifts for everyone, or old used things they no longer wanted. I recall people being all smiles for my cousins and just kind of meh with me. Like they forgot I existed or didn't care.
As I got older I realized that there weren't as many pictures with me in them when my aunt passed away, despite being in my early 30s. That I'm still haunted by words from my other aunt and things my mother did to me. I realized that I held everything inside and let it rot me. I felt isolated. I felt like I didn't matter. I felt like no matter how I cried that I would never let it out. I wanted to yell at all of them for how they treated me. But was also afraid of losing everyone.
I found out in my early 30's after having my own child that I was diagnosed with ADHD at an early age and my mother hid it from everyone, including me.
I felt like I wasn't loved... truly. That the first person who truly chose me was my husband. He was with me through everything. So many times he could have left. The outbursts I've had of deep-seated sadness, a yawning chasm of loneliness that had grown into a sink hole. I had felt he was only going to get sick of me and leave me too. This should have been my first red flag. By my early 20's I had experienced my mother leaving my father, my dad jump into relationships with women who used their influence to pit him against me (isolating him to be more with their kids) until they were done with him, being abandoned in a house that had no heat and no food, a friendship that was beyond toxic (off and on) and would held at ransom if I didn't comply with specific demands, being told that parental duty was now done now that I was moving out of that falling apart house, being told I was cold hearted when I opened up about my depression and shutting down once my mother made it about her instead of being there for me, feeling like I was a burden despite paying to live with my mother who did not pay a cent towards me growing up after she left my dad, being told that I would not be allowed to move back after my mom continued to pick my door lock despite being in my 20's with a job and paying her rent, constant beratement. Once I moved with my now husband I thought for sure that I would free of that, but it was so engrained in me that I began thinking it would fall apart, not realizing that I was doing it to myself. Still through mental breakdowns (of which no one in my family truly gave a shit about), health scares and hospitalizations, fights, being sued (for a car accident I did not cause. The lawsuit was thrown out but we had to go to court on our anniversary), mounting bills that we had to fight for emergency procedures, infertility, familial death, and periods where we struggled to pay bills due to being unemployed (during covid), my husband never once left. He always chose me.
It was his unshakable loyalty and the birth of our son, a miracle that we had worked so hard for, that I began realizing that there was nothing wrong with me. I had been a child that was looked down on, ignored, and belittled by ADULTS who should have known better. And I be damned if anyone did that to my son.
Even after being in my 30's and a mom these same people belittled me, went over my head, ignored me. So I ignored them right back. I talked over them. I refuse at this point to be silent. I refuse to teach my child to be silent in fear of losing those who don't treat you right. I'd rather have just a few people, family, friends, etc than a room of people who talk about you behind your back.
I've come to the point where I no longer care who you are to me, I am a human being who deserves love and compassion the same as anyone else. I shouldn't have had to struggle or be told I wouldn't amount to anything or maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mother, etc. I had a family, a big one, and they ignored my struggles even when I begged for help or for someone to just see me.
Having a big family means nothing if they are all too about themselves to give a crap about how you are doing. To that end I will continue being solitary. It's not I don't love them, I do. I just hate being treated that way more.
