It's been a while. Two years to be exact. And a lot has happened within two years.
I started the first quarter of 2017 living in Metro Manila on the weekdays then flying to Visayas on weekends. It was a roller coaster ride of paperworks, phone calls, and travels. Sleep was optional but the experience was worth it. I would have chosen to finish the project, had my supervisor and her boss been granted an extended tenure in that office. This project was the only thing that was keeping me to stay longer in the public sector. There's not much career growth kasi.
So when I resigned from my post, I also left the company and took a new job. I shifted from public service to experience the feeling of what's it like working in the corporate world. The working environment definitely's a big leap for me, it's like I started from nothing. And I must admit that I do have my fair share of regrets with this one. Hahaha.
Commute and work were tough and super tiring from this side of the city. So what kept me sane was the friends I met from carpooling. They were just the people I needed from all the stress. Everyone just clicked and things got a lot comfortable to some.
That was me and the driver. Hehe.
After a lot of breakfast and lunch breaks later, I fell in love and is currently committed to that guy. Hahahah.
Yuh, ganun kabilis.
Ganun kabilis that it's now 2018. It's been almost 2 months since the year started and it feels like a lot has happened already.
My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but itās much better to be killed by a lover.
Choosing to let my emotions drive my decisions is recipe for a hopeless and fruitless life. Today I am deciding to love, not hate. Today I am deciding to extend forgiveness, not bitterness. Today I am deciding to hope, not despair. By Jesusā power at work within us, the best is still yet to come. Even when I donāt see it, I believe it to be true.
I know I have been drifting away recently. I feel bad yet this feeling of having (again) a space of my own has been rejuvenating me for the past couple of weeks. Donāt get me wrong, I am truly grateful for meeting a person like you cause itās not always that we get to meet people like such. However, the attitude usually goes out off hand; there are certain things that I donāt find appealing, and there are certain limitations that has to be set.
If you ask me what happened, hereās my answer: This friendship is suffocating me.Ā
To be honest, I have never met someone so dependent on me. We have lived and grew from separate family cultures, different tastes, and different perspectives. We have different outlooks in life and I donāt want the other person to come to a point when that person starts to rely his/her decisions to the other person. We have our own different plans for the future, God has planned different things for us to pursue in the future, and I donāt want the other person to hinder that growth. There are things that we have to do that does not involve the other person. There will be times when we will outgrow people, depending on the season we are currently in and it is our duty to ask for the guidance of Godās Holy Spirit to dwell within us in order for us to act accordingly and maturely, and also for us to not let our feelings get the best of our decisions.
I understand that you have the needĀ to nourish someone; however, you have to see and understand that I am no longer a 12 year old, because from my point of view, you see me as this needy child that needs 24/7 supervision. I can handle myself. I know youāre pretty much aware that I have been living on a separate roof from my parents and have been living independently with a fair amount of supervision from them for 4 years and counting. I donāt need someone to constantly report my whereabouts. Though it makes me wonder whyā¦ Do you find pleasure in constantly knowing the things I do? Do you get that kind of satisfaction when you check up on me ever so often? Cause I actually do not get the point why you have to do such things. I understand that maybe you grew up to this kind of setup but please understand that I didnāt, thatās why Iāve asked you before that we should meet halfway. I cannot emphasize enough, for you to fully comprehend the burden I am feeling right now to tolerate this kind of scenario because I have mentioned you this before already (thru sms) and to me, in accordance to your reply, you didnāt took the words Iāve said seriously. Iām not sure if you felt how heightened my emotions were, and that I am already at the verge of my anger and that I was already too tired to even care.
You know I have always been the eldest child of the family and let me clear things up that I donāt want that role to change. Responsibility, authority and being independent, I enjoy them. Yes, there are times that I have to play the role of being the junior of the bunch, but that comes off naturally and not on obligatory means. Itās so weird that we have to set roles on this friendship thing. Please donāt force me to be this needy, doesnāt-know-what-to-do-with-life person. My parents didnāt raised me to be one. You do stuff so much for me, you buy things so much for me, you take the weight of my responsibilities assigned to me, you constantly dictate me to do this and that, and I always hear you insist āako naā. Why? Canāt I? How can I grow, and how could I know the things I should know when you keep on doing the things that were meant for me? I am grateful for your help and for constantly shouldering these tasks and responsibilities, but could you ask me first if I needed the helping hand instead?
Obviously every person is different and it insults and offends me so much whenever you say thatĀ ānanamanā line again and again. I understand the trauma you felt after the countless of people that enters and leaves instantly in your life, and I know youāve said that Iām different from them, but words for me are just words especially when you actually let me feel that Iām part of the come and go population. What would you feel if I looked at you the same way to those that of the people that left me hanging? You know, sometimes, we perceive a situation where we see ourselves as the underdog; I know the feeling cause Iāve always caught myself putting myself in that particular situation. But if the people you say kept on leaving you then you might want to consider assessing yourself first; find the root cause and search for practical solutions. Donāt just blame the person and declare yourself the victim. We have our own stories to tell and itās our job to know the other personās side of the story; however, we do thatĀ at the right time and momentā¦ not just out of impulse.Ā
Do not put this personally when I choose not to talk to you thru chat or sms. Why the heck would you even think that thereās something wrong if I donāt talk to you every single night. Would this end a friendship? If so, then I guess the friendship is just that shallow. I have close friends whom Iāve met from my early years and, mind you, there are days I donāt feel like talking to them just because. Well that doesnāt mean the friendship ends there, it doesnāt mean that I have issues towards them, it doesnāt mean Iāll be drifting away, it doesnāt mean that theyāre no longer important in my life, it doesnāt mean what you pessimistically thinkā¦. it means that I need my space, it means that I need a time for myself, it means that I need a break from socializing, it means that Iām resting, it means that I have other stuff to do, it means I am currently focused on something else, it means Iām spending time with my family. Do you get my point?Ā
I recently havenāt been emotionally unstable, because; I am still unsure of what to do with my life; I am struggling with this whole financially independent adult thing; I am struggling in terms of my growth as a Christian and as a human being (Iāve considered both as separate entities because why not); and I am still undecided as to what career I am to pursue and settle with. Having a high-maintenanceĀ friend is the least thing I would like to have, ever. I couldnāt even maintain myself to be physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and financially balancedā¦. what more with having to maintain a needy friend?Ā
Yes, I have lots of issues with regards to this friendship but for your info this didnāt happened overnight, but was accumulated over months. You might have noticed that I am certainly not the type of person who is fond of confrontations because I have tolerated you up to this extent. Although we did do a number of confrontations before so thatās a first for me (that and itās one of the things that this friendship has taught me), but I think this would also be the last. More so, in behalf of the come and go population, I would like to say that you have to lessen your attachment to other people where it gets to the point when you start involving them in every aspect of your life. There are limitations. Also, please stop pitying yourself especially at times when things doesnāt go into your favor. As a christian, I feel insulted because He didnāt called you to be His daughter to be weak and faithless.
Lastly, to be honest, I somehow like the gap between us for the last couple of weeks. I finally got to have my own privacy, I donāt feel obliged to tell someone my daily activities, and I donāt feel obliged to reply to someone on chat/sms. I donāt know how you will react to all of these but thatās my whole side of the story. I chose to have my words written cause I might not be able to deliver it well verbally.
The day I decided that Iāll distance myself from you was also the day I accepted that people (aka your friends) would start eyeing me as the bad guy. Iād be lying if I say idgaf because it really does bothers me; but Iām getting there ;)
Iāve always been a people-pleaser. It might not be that obvious (or so I thought it is) but I know true enough that itās part of who I am.Ā
Living in othersā expectations of who I am and what I do gets the best of me, most of the time; there are days that I find myself exhausted, socially tired, and confused with life. Hence, I suffocate myself to live in a way that pleases other people.
I am, however, responsible of my own actions and decisions. It would be very hypocritic of me to place the blame on others especially at times when things donāt fall into my favor. Yes, people greatly influence me in such a way that it also affects my decisions considering the fact that I always find myself pleasing other people. This intoxicating habit of mine brought me to the point where I realized thatā¦
I donāt have to agree and/or comply with anyone just to make him/her happy if it would make me uncomfortable or if it would burden me. There are certain limitations that I have to set in other to keep myself at peace.
I donāt owe anyone explanations. I donāt have to prove myself to others when I know, to myself, that Iām not doing anything wrong. I donāt need to always take the initiative to state to others my side of the story; anyway, itās their decision to hear the other side of the story to avoid biases.
I only have to focus on God. Galatians 1:10 has always been my life verse; it has always kept me reminded of my current standing in terms of my relationship with God. Keeping me reminded that this will hinder me from deepening my relationship with Him because my focus is shifting to something that is only temporary.
Wasting time on something I know would last for days, weeks, or years can be tiresome. I have been putting so much energy on these things that would soon fade. Itās an easy journey; I enjoy the liberty, the wordly things, and such but what do I get in the end is something that just kills a part of me and leaves me somewhat empty. An empty space that only, I know, God could fill.Ā
You think you have surrendered all your life to Him, but the truth is, there is a lot to your life that you arenāt even aware of. you can only give God as much of you as you understand at the moment. Thatās okayĀ ā there will be struggles and battles, but the outcome will never be in doubt.
My flesh is weak and my soul longs for the Father. Being spiritually inactive is starting to take its toll on me, again. Iāve been thinking and stressing so much about a lot of stuff that shouldnāt be in the first place. Itās really stressing me out.
Last week, July 20-24, is one of those weeks that really got me so frustrated at life. Looking back, I cringe to those moments that Iāve behaved so poorly. What happened to those Christian values and morals the church and fellow Christians have taught you, Lyka? So disappointing.
Last weekās traffic was one of the worse Iāve had since I started working. That and lack of sleep. I canāt stop yawning while Iām at the office, I also sleep away the traffic inside the vehicles as I commute to and from work. Add that to the hassle of waiting for a jeep that actually has enough space to place my butt in. Basically my everyday commute consumes approximately 1 to 2 hours (one way) of my day; take away the traffic and undisciplined civilians and drivers, it would take me 15-20mins of travel time. Philippines naman eh :(
Iāve been so guilty for my past behavior. I should know better but I let my emotions get the best of me anyway.Ā Itās not really that much of a big deal but my emotions really heightened by a hundred fold. Despite all that, God never failed to remind me the blessings that brings joy in my life by a thousand fold: Iāve been given a set of friends, different sets for different seasons, but all have given me the same compassion, genuine love, and understanding nonetheless.
Itās funny how youāll experience sadness today and suddenly joy the following day. Therefore, Iāve learned that everything in life is temporary, may it be sadness or joy. But what really matters is how we approach this situations in life in a Christ-like manner. My behavior and attitude went downhill (way way waaaay down) last week. Never again, Lyka. Never again
So what actually frustrates me is that, the Philippines could do so much better than what we are now. We have enough money; heck, we have loads of money to accommodate every citizenās basic needs. Though I cannot cite a proper source for that but based from the filthy rich politicians we have, we have a lot. Much more than we could ask for. However, if and only if the money was utilized for proper use. If and only if our politicians have put the needs of others before their selfish motives (because thatās what their jobs are suppose to be anyway). If and only if the citizens of this country would care enough to know whatās happening, be disciplined, be involved for the betterment of the country, and actually believe that thereās still hope for the Philippines to emerge as one of the 1st world countries.
I long for the time when owning a private car would be everyoneās least priority because the public transportation is much convenient than driving your own car. I long for the time when I could actually dress up and not worry that Iāll get to my destination sweaty, haggard, and smell like vehicle smoke. That there wonāt be any children, old people, and men and women in general begging for money in the streets. For the time that I wonāt have to worry about my things getting snatched but strangers because everybodyās basic necessities are met. I long for the time that our country will be able to produce and manufacture high quality products and technologies that the citizens themselves would patronize. That Filipino professionals would decide to work and settle in the Philippines, and that going overseas would be mainly for leisure and to experience the culture of other countries. And the list goes on.
Because of this, I will never get tired of praying for the welfare of the Philippines, its governments, its leaders, its people, and everything else in between. I believe that the economy of the Philippines will rise from poverty. I may not be able to experience it soon, but I have high hopes that the Philippines will do so in the future.
