Why is it called Crocodile Dundee if he wrestles dogs in Australia? Oughtn’t it be called Dog Australia in that case? I don’t think they have crocodiles in Dundee… Who is Jim Jefferies? I—…must we? The only thing I understand about them is their history. Er…what’s an STD? Er…if it’s to do with the chlamydia, I’m not certain they got it from er…typical transmission of social disease. They’re koalas. They…hold onto things. It’s still a thing? Good. That’s good. Oh, you—I…oh. Oh. …Oh. Well, er…that…is awful.
Because he doesn't wrestle dogs in Australia. He wrestles crocodiles in Australia and wrestles the dogs when he visits America with his future Baby Mama. It's a better movie than I'm making it out to be, I swear to God. Jim Jefferies is probably the only actually funny Australian comedian, besides Rebel Wilson. And, yes. Yes we must. I don't understand anything about them at all. What's their deal with cats? Why are they so weird? What happened to that one dog everyone always talks about? You- You're kidding, right? Dude. Sexually Transmitted Diseases? I know they had those when you were.... whenever. They were still a thing. ... Did you just imply that the koalas got chlamydia from giving out handjobs? No, come on, don't do that. Let's just have a nice time, yeah? You bought me a seahorse! With reins! It's great!
Lima usually isn't.
Ha ha. Yes, I figured that much out. ... I'll be fine, Ollie. Don't worry about it.
…I…honestly wonder sometimes if you make these things up just to confuse me. I’m barely getting used to these mobilised telephones with their G3 and slidey screens…isn’t that enough? Why would a man wrestle dogs? That’s simply bizarre. You must be pulling my leg. Who puts vegetables on toast? Good idea. It’s not so bad if you avoid that, but that is a good initiative to take. I’d advise you not to get to close to koalas, though; I believe an extremely high percentage of them have er…chlamydia, was it? It’s…the done thing. You go away, you bring something back. I remember when the mother of my er…wartime family in Yorkshire went to Hull to visit her sister. She snuck onto the beach in the night and brought back sea shells for us. Even if it’s something like that, it’s a thing, I-I swear it’s a thing.
That’s true, it’s practically a ghost town. Yes, you are, and nobody told you to, you just…er…are.
You look freezing. I’d prefer it if you didn’t catch pneumonia and die.
Look, I could try for a thousand years and never make Crocodile Dundee up, okay? It was a moment of fucking brilliance that will probably one day be known as the finest jewel in the crown of the 20th century. A truly magnificent example of comedy at it's highest form. It was like going to a Jim Jeffries show on LSD. ... That's it, okay, we're watching this movie. No one will ever believe you're, you know, normal, unless you've seen it. Australians, apparently. I... Oh my god, that's so sad. Poor STD-riddled koalas. They didn't ask for that. It's not like they can use condoms. No, I mean- It's a thing now, too. Totally a thing, people do it all the time. Don't freak out or anything. It's just that people have never really done it for me. When- They just don't usually come back, you know?
Someone has too, though. Look out, I mean. If I didn't, who'd be left?
I'm open to suggestions on how to not do that, if you've got them.
Why would you call me Dundee? I’m English. …I don’t know what that is. What is that? Once you have closure and the freedom to do so, you ought to. It’s really rather enjoyable. Er—yes? It’s approximately a foot high, it’s ah— mostly…green, and I’m almost certain that seahorses, unlike actual horses, do not have manes o-or the er…capability to be ridden in such a way that would allow for reins…Was I not—er…um…supposed to?
Quieter. I leave and it gets quieter. So…the Initiative is still er…kicking about, and er…Lima is…being quiet. Right. Thank you.
Because- You know, the movie. Crocodile Dundee? The Australian dude who wrestles dogs and has a knife or whatever? It's this vegetable toast spread or some nasty crap like that. It's disgusting. I think I'll wait for the politics to get less shit-tastic, actually. I'll be busy enough fighting the koala to have time to worry about eviromental policy. That's-- You-- ... You gopher. No, no, it's fine, I just wasn't expecting it. It's sweet. You're sweet.
Well, to be fair, you're not the only one who left, so. Don't thank me, man. I'm just looking out, you know?
I'm fine, Ollie. Always am. And now I have a kickass seahorse to help me out. What could possibly be wrong?
Er…it’s a lot bigger. I went from one end to the other. It was quite warm. The people tasted weird… It was alright, I suppose. If you want to go you could reduce the cost and backpack. If it makes you feel any better, I got you a…toy seahorse thing. I don’t think it’s the right size, mind…How big is a typical seahorse? In my defence, I didn’t know you wanted me to save them. Once the man is a nobody, if you can find the nobody, then I will eat him for you. …Right. You do look cold. [casually just sort of hands him his scarf b/c dead people don’t need the heat jafeel] It seems unlikely but I’ve got to ask…ah—…er, has anything changed? At all?
Wow, that's a lot of Australia there, man. Should I call you Dundee from now on? Ollie! What if they had Vegemite in their systems? You could've died! Maybe I will, eventually. Leaving right now isn't really an option, but... yeah. That actually sounds kind of nice. .... You got me a seahorse? Oh my god, Ollie.
Th-- thanks. Uh, with Lima? Things are quieter now. I mean, most of the monsters are flipping their shit, and the Initiative's still a bunch of asswipes, but, you know. I haven't magically switched bodies with anyone for, like, six months.
I-I’d never been before. Aheh…apologies, Ryder; I’m afraid it’s frowned upon to eat well-known politicians. Maybe if he declines in status and fame. How are you?
That's cool! I've always wanted to go there. I mean, it can't be much different than Lima, right? Especially if everything really can kill you. Did you have fun? B-b-but the Reef! My babies! You were supposed to save my babies! But, sure, once he ruins everything and is thrown out of Australia is disgrace, I fully expect you to eat him. I'm- I'm good, Ollie. A little ticked about the cold, but aren't we all?
[Warnings; Bad Family/Home Relationships, Unfair/Ableist Discussion of Mental Illness (i am so sorry), Homelessness]
"You're going to regret this."
For the first time in his life, Ryder wished his mother was drunk. He knew how to deal with her, angry and drunk, throwing glasses and screaming until she collapsed and sobbed until the headache was too much. Ryder knew that routine better than he knew himself- especially those days -but that's not what was happening here. Instead, she was standing in his door, completely sober, tears welling in her eyes.
Ryder didn't know how he was supposed to do this to her, but it was the only choice he had left.
"No," he said around the lump in his throat. "No, I don't think I will at all."
"How can you not? You're leaving us," she said, and it was sad, but mostly it was hateful and bitter. Even her eyes were hot behind the tears and he avoided them, pulling the nonsensical chatter in the back of his head around him like armor.
Throwing a few extra changes of clothes into his suitcase, Ryder shook his head. "See, that's the pathetic thing about all this, I'm not leaving anything. There's nothing here anymore except a cabinet to store your booze and a bed for Dad to sleep in when the hospital won't let him work anymore. It's not a home, it's another fucking psych ward, and it's not like I'm ever here anyway."
"Right," she said, rolling her eyes, and it's like looking into a mirror- He remembered making that face the day Gabe died, and the day Milo left. That face was so familiar bile crept up in his throat. She was sad, and he knew that feeling, felt the phantom ache of it in his chest, sorrow that grew so much it had nowhere to flow but into rage. "I forgot about you fucking around with those demons."
Ryder flinched. There was no telling which of his 'friends' she was talking about, but it didn't matter. They were all gone, now, every single one of them, and the only monsters he ever talked to these days were out for his blood. "You know that's not true."
His mother scoffed, but hid her face in her hands, leaning against the door. "I don't know why you would do this to us-"
"I just told you why; You're not listening. Mom, I love you, both of you, but I just don't-"
"You're betraying us," his mom said, dropping her hands and glaring at him. Tear tracks stained her face now, and Ryder held his suitcase to his chest like that could save him from the guilt building up in his throat. "After all we've done for you. All the bullshit we've put up with, all the money we've poured into you and your obsessions and your doctors visits. All that time we spent trying to fix you, and-"
"That's it!" Ryder said, unable to stop himself. "That right there is exactly what I'm talking about. You keep trying to fix me, but there's nothing to fix. I'm not fucking broken." The guilt and the sorrow and the anger had all turned to pain, the kind that crept into your bones and took root there, sending chills down your spine. "I've been trying to get you to see that for seven years now, and you've never once believed me." Ryder laughed brokenly, because even after they had turned around in his head, these words felt so simple out in the air. "And you know what the saddest part is? You got tired of trying to fix absolutely nothing. You both got bored and disgusted and avoided me as much as possible when there was nothing wrong."
"You're sick," his mom said quietly.
Ryder looked down at his hands, curling them into fists. His whole life he'd been told that, and he'd believed it. Maybe it was still true, maybe this weight he carried about in his soul was a sickness, but that wasn't what she meant. "No, I'm not," he said. "And even if I was, sick and broken aren't the same thing."
There was a moment of silence, and his mom said, slowly- "Where are you going to go?"
It was ridiculous and selfish, but Ryder's first reaction was a stab of anger, of betrayal. Oh, yes, I can tell how very much you wanted to keep me around, he thought uncharitably, and when another wave of guilt hit him, his mood sunk lower still. "My boss is going to let me crash on her couch for a few weeks, after that... I don't know."
Everyone who loved him was gone, after all. There was no one left to pick him up from this. There was a list a mile long Ryder had wanted to call the moment he'd made this decision, and even as he had gone over it in his head, he'd known was a lost cause it was. They were all gone, forever, and maybe that meant it was about damn time Ryder learned to stand on his own two feet.
"I could call your Uncle Dave. You could go back to Florida," his mother offered, softly, and the hurt softened a little. Ryder smiled, weakly, and reached up to cup her cheek before hesitating and pulling back, curling the hand against his chest like he'd burned himself.
"I can't go back yet," Ryder said, shaking his head. "I want to, more than anything, but Lima still needs me."
"Lima's dead, sweetheart. It's been dead since the moment we got here, and it was dying a long time before that, too."
No, Lima wasn't dead. Everyone else was, maybe; Everyone that had made Lima something to fight for at all might be six feet under, but Lima was still fighting, Ryder could feel it in his blood. "I've got to try."
"It's December. In Ohio," his mother said, and her voice broke, a last, desperate plea. "You'll freeze to death."
Ryder saw the flash of fangs behind his eyelids when he blinked. "There are worse ways to go."
His mother laughed humorlessly, hiding her face again and shaking her head against her palms, trying to hold all the emotion in, like she was ashamed to cry in the face of her only child leaving her.
Ironic, wasn't it, that Ryder kept leaving parents that never admitted they missed their fallen at all?
"Um, is Dad-"
"He's still at work," his mother said, words muffled. "I tried calling, but-"
"Fucking typical." Ryder closed his eyes, suddenly so tired he ached with it. With one glance to his bed - lying there with jake, holding hands with milo, cuddling up with friday and trying not to cry, long nights and longer panic attacks, grieving gabriel, and melanie, and michael - he shouldered his backpack and gripped his suitcase handle with a shaking hand. "Well, I can't wait for him to decide to show up. ... Bye, Mom."
She sobbed in answer, and that was when Ryder knew he had to get out of there before he broke down, too. If he stayed he knew he would never convince himself to leave again, so he steeled himself against the emotions running rampant and pulling the incessant static of his mind a little tighter, and stepped into the cold.
Ryder walked for a while, falling into the rhythm of his shoes on the packed snow, caring little where he was going, or why, or how fast. (He'd left Sofia in their garage. They'd paid for her, after all- And what would a homeless runaway need with a bicycle anyway?)
It wasn't until his feet hit the steps that he realized he was on Milo's front porch, the swing broken and the windows dark, that he cried.
I'm going to Australia to punch Tony Abbott in the face.
I cannot believe that he would- He- Oh my god, like, how stupid do you have to be to dump toxic material into the Great Barrier Reef? God, I have never wanted to kill someone with my bare hands more than I want to right now. Jesus.
I’ve found my way into a steady occupation until the graces of Broadway sweep me off my feet. It’s cliche, yes, but certainly something I enjoy in partaking in.
Of course I trust you, I just- Things have finally calmed down, and I don’t want to mess that up for you, but, I mean, it’s not exactly earth-shattering I’m on my meds again, so:
Because thinking you have a deep, personal connection with an Angel usually doesn't bode well for your mental stability. Multiply that by, you know, hundreds and you've got a lot of pissy doctors.
Of course I trust you, I just- Things have finally calmed down, and I don't want to mess that up for you, but, I mean, it's not exactly earth-shattering I'm on my meds again, so:
