text post from June 30th, 2013
i have a really great mom.
after a strange and fastly-escalated fight tonight between my sisters, my mom and i had a pretty great talk (post my crying) and my roomie/mother has some insight.
i’m in a terrible place right now. i’m depressed, i feel disconnected and don’t want to reconnect with the people i once called my friends (sans a couple), i’m dreading school, and life hasn’t given me a real reason to be happy about anything since the beginning of college. this has caused me to be extremely negative and hurtful to my family and friends. because i was giving love and kindness (or so i thought, i was trying) but the world kept giving me shit. my roommate issues, family issues, friend issues. and i tried to stay positive, “it’s a phase, stuff always gets better after it’s shitty.” but it didn’t. it’s gotten worse. and worse. and horrible. i’ve never been such an easily tear ridden person but anything sets me off these days. i’m in a bad place, and it may be a phase, but it’s happening.
what my mom said i need to work on it not being so opinionated. i’m naturally opinionated, but i need to keep my knowledge and opinions to myself. cus who cares? who really, really cares what i think. if my comments are going to ruin someone’s mood or cause a fight, and unfortunately they usually do, i should internalize them. and my mom says in that, i gain power. let people believe what they want, let people be ignorant. you gain a strength and power when you allow people to make their statements and talk and just say, “ah, cool” rather than attempting to dictate their life and correct every thing they say, even if it is wrong.
this is my written statement saying i’m going to try to be better, more positive, and hold back my opinions. this includes political stuff cus the awful politics i read about all the time kill my happiness. i may try to be an activist but it just makes people hate me and makes me stressed and unhappy.
and i’ll continue to be in this bad place for a bit. it comes and goes, but things won’t really get better until i can clean up some stuff (aka my room and my friends and my attitude.) not saying it’s my fault i’m this way (cus it’s not) but it is my fault for letting the shit people and the world throw at me get my down. kinda.
I wanted to post this as a reminder to myself that this life is a constant flux. Early college for me was rough as shit, but it’s now part of my past and part of how I got to where I am now. The words my mom said to me that week helped guide me to the beginning of improving myself and figuring out the cause of my despair. Between June 30th, 2013 and now, I’ve nearly completely reentered the ‘social scene’ after having completely pulling myself away from all contact with my previously good friends from summer 2013 until around early school year 2014. I finally made a good female friend, one who had been in my life all along in a way. And finally got back to being close with Nathan and Aaron, though our goofy nights of smoking weed at my apartment freshman year can’t ever be repeated. I miss the immaturity of younger youth and the laughter that comes from not taking things too seriously, but also appreciate the realness of my relationships and the intimacy of conversation. We’re starting to act like adults and it’s freaking me out a bit but life changes.
I’ll say it again, life is good. Two years ago, I couldn’t have ever pictured myself where I am now, and surely there’s no way I’ll know where or who I’ll be two years from now.
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