Iām lilo! Iām mainly here to write short stories and read (mainly cm) fics
Iām non-binary but i prefer feminine titles (girlfriend, wife, etc), my pronouns are they/she
My fav color is purple
As a person Iām pretty much if you blended up rue Bennett, Lee Holloway, and Rachel amber into one
My interests:
Iām really into criminal minds, X-men, American horror story, Bridgerton, and most things Mike Faist related
My fav celebs are: Matthew gray gubler, Paget Brewster, most of the cm cast, Evan peters, Aubrey plaza, Margot Robbie, Candice king, Brittany Murphy, Olivia Cooke, Marilyn Monroe, Kurt cobain, Shelly duval, and Jane birkin (thereās more but these are the main ones)
Other things i enjoy include: Hello kitty, Harry Potter, the MCU, Heathers (the movie & the musical), The hunger games, shameless, smosh (the YouTube channel(s)), other YouTubers, and some other things here and there
More physically I love to swim, read, and write (colorings fun too)
Personally Iām unlabeled but this page is a very lgbtq+ safe environment along with any other ānon normalā ppl
This is also a very mentally ill safe place so if you wanna request something involving that or just talk thatās completely fine
I donāt have a set posting schedule so I just kinda post at random so if you request something keep that in mind!
(And if you canāt tell I love the gifs on here) ā¬ļø me (the deer)
~ something about a loving (and very slightly codependent) relationship with Spencer Reid gives major āMay you never forget meā by Temachii (flora maniia) vibes
~ something about not being able to live without each other is incredibly appealing to me and I donāt know how to feel about that
~ getting sick because you miss them so much when youāre not with each other for a while (like three days) is peak romance
~ oh nothing just thinking about what Spencerās reaction to Neurodivergent!readerās vocal stims would be, specifically them singing the ālaaalaaaā part of āPopularā from Wicked (itās my most recent one)
~I can just imagine him being surprised by every new one but quickly getting used to it unless itās uncommonly odd for even you
I have this headcannon about Spencer Reid I wanted to share:
So I just FEEL in my BONES that if youāre the type of person to love older shows/sitcoms such as golden girls, the Addams family, & bewitched; heād complain about how books are so much better than television but heād also get SO invested in the storylines when you watch them (or force him to watch them with you)
Derek: āhay pretty boy, wanna go to that new bar that opened up?ā
Reid: āno, sorry. Iām busy tonightā
Emily: āis (Y/N) finally on season eight of bewitched?ā
Reid: āā¦.I donāt know what youāre talking aboutā
I just wish I had Spencer Reid to hold me while I cry bc this shit is insane
I just want him to shove his face into my neck and tightly hug me while we sit there in silence until he comes up with a fact he knows would make me happy/laugh
in which you are at the age you never thought you'd live to.Ā
genre:Ā hurt/comfort +Ā fluff!
tags:Ā established relationship. (very brief) mentions of r not eating. depression. non sexual nudity. mention of a past suicide attempt. reader is codependent on spencer #anxiousattachment!! mini argument not really because he loves you a lot!!! please know your triggersĀ ā”Ā
word count:Ā 2.2k
a/n:Ā this was a vent write. LOL! i think i switch tenses a lot in this? i tried to fix it. this is why we don't write fanfiction while we're crying!!! i love u i love u i love u and i am so so glad you are the age that you are!! continue to grow please!! life will become beautiful!!!
Depression is a funny thing.
Sometimes you are forgetting there has ever been a version of you out there that fantasised about death and longed for an escape from this world you deemed so cruel, so invasive. Other times, you are sat naked on the cold floor of your bathroom rocking back and forth, clawing at your skin and ripping hair out of your scalp because you are sobbing so ferociously. The world spinning around you and your cries, so violent, are making you lightheaded and you wonder if you pass out here if anyone will ever find you.Ā
Clearly, tonight, you are the latter.
It started as a small pit in your stomach that morning, that you braved through and ignored to the best of your ability, even as you said gentle 'no thank you's' to food offered by your co-workers and forced your brain to focus onĀ workĀ and not the never-ending abyss of dread in your abdomen. Then, it became a tear or two on your way home, that you vehemently wiped away and pretended was never there becauseĀ it couldn't be.Ā
Then you were showering to get your mind off things ā a stupid decision, really. For your brain was latching on to every awful emotion it had felt thus far today, and you were stepping out of the shower with an even heavier heart, and your hands were wrapping around your now goosebump riddled body, as you were sinking to the floor in a ball.
And maybe hours passed by you. Maybe days ā it certainly felt that way. Maybe it was only a mere five minutes. But your loud sobs felt like they took an achingly long time to slow and quiet down, until they were falling into ugly sniffles of the snot on your face, and a raging headache behind your eyes.Ā
Loud sobs āĀ screamĀ sobs, really ā had a lot of disadvantages. The aftermath feeling of embarrassment of screaming at your brain that refused to simplyĀ shut up, the scratch at your throat from every sound you ripped from it.Ā The audio block it gave you from the rest of the world. For you truly were in your own universe when you were howling alone in the comfort of your bathroom walls.
So much so, that the familiar sound of a door opening and closing, and a bag being placed down by the side of it, went entirely unnoticed to you. Footsteps against your apartment's wooden flooring weren't picked up, nor were the first two knocks on your bathroom door. By the third, you were blubbering through saliva and snot, and you had heard it. Followed by a very gentle calling of your name, that had your heart clenching within your chest for a new reason.Ā
He had said he was coming home tomorrow. Which almostĀ alwaysĀ meant he wouldn't be home for another three days, and so, in your mind, you thought bawling that night could be a secret kept between you and your tiles.Ā
Apparently not.Ā
He called your name again when you didn't reply, an added hint of desperation in his voice. Trembling, you stood, your limbs feeling as though they were creaking while you straightened them out. And you didn't bother about the towel sitting in a crumpled heap on the floor, nor the pile of your clean clothes sitting on the countertop. In fact, you didn't bother about anything as a shaking hand twisted the doorknob and pulled it open.
In an instant, his worried frown deepened, and eyes that might usually drink in the sight of your naked body beautifully, now didn't wander further than the scarlet scratch marks along your neck ā blood vessels risen to the surface from how fragile that part of you was. He exhaled, and took a hesitating step towards you. One you welcomed by remaining planted in your spot ā you didn't know if youĀ couldĀ move, though.Ā
"Can I ask what's wrong, or do you simply want a hug?"Ā
Both, you wanted to say.Ā Both, but also neither.Ā
You didnāt say that. Instead, you said, "Hug."
He hardly took a second to register what you'd said before his arms were wrapping around you. If he found the slightly damp state of your skin annoying, he didn't comment on it. He didn't say much at all, as he enveloped you into his body, a hand securing itself on the back of your head, and his chin resting atop your head.Ā
Water dripped uncomfortably to the floor, splattering on the tiles and his shoes, being the only sound aside from your irregular hiccups and sniffles. His button-up was wet from your tears and your body, and you could almost hear his complaints about it, if this were any other day.Ā
Minutes passed, and even though you didn't want to, you pulled back, feeling his hands slip around to your waist and hold you benevolently. Your own hands reached up to your face to wipe away tears, an embarrassed laugh escaping your lips.Ā
"This is pathetic," you said, fingers digging into the corners of your stinging eyes.Ā
"How?" he asked you.
"I didn't think you'd be home to see me having a mental breakdown."
A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes appeared on his lips. "Well, I am." Fingers squeezed your waist reassuringly. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
You shrugged, wordlessly, your eyes dropping from his face to the damp spot on his chest from where your face had once been, heart stuttering.Ā
"We don't have to, honey," he said. "But it might help."
"I know it might," you muttered.Ā
He was silent, as were you. A few more beats passed between you two, before you were turning around to pick up clothes you had left for yourself on the counter. You didn't really feel any different under his watchful gaze as you dressed yourself. Accustomed to the act, or simply too overwhelmed with another emotion, you didn't know.Ā
He followed you into the living room when you walked out there, and he sat down next to you on the couch you curled up on. You opened and closed your mouth a few times, and he lifted his head on each intake of breath you had, as if about to say something. But you never did.Ā
So, he took over.
"Did something happen today?" You shook your head, and he nodded his own. "Okay. This past week?" You shook your head again, because other than missing him while he had been stuck in Texas for a case, nothing had actuallyĀ happened.Ā
You wished it had. Truly, you wished you had experienced a murder on your way to work, or a distant family member had passed away so you could blame this feeling on somethingĀ otherĀ than memories simply resurfacing.Ā
You sniffled again. "You know," you began, voice thick and wobbly from the lump lodged in your throat. "When I was fourteen, I didn't think I'd ever be this old."
Your gaze lifted from your lap to look at him, and you let a helpless tear fall from one of your eyes when you locked eyes with him. He was confused, unsurprisingly so.
So, you continued. "I tried to kill myself. When I was fourteen."
He readjusted his posture, eyebrows falling into a more concerned state, and he was silent for so long you wondered if this was when he decided you wereĀ too muchĀ andĀ too complicatedĀ for him to deal with.Ā
He didn't. "I didn't know," he said, instead.Ā
"I don't exactly advertise it," you replied, and even if it was an attempt at being light hearted, it fell flat. "I just realised I never thought I'd be this age," you continued when he hardly reacted, "and I've been really anxious and down all week, so I thinkĀ thatĀ realisation kind of sent me over the edge."
"Are you happy you're at this age?"Ā
Hesitantly, but surely, you nodded your head. "I got to meet you."
His lips twitched, but a smile never crossed his face. "You should be happy for reasons more than just me."
"YouĀ areĀ my reason for being happy," you argued.Ā
"And I'm glad to hear IĀ makeĀ you happy, but I cannot be your only reason."
"Why not?"
"Because that's dependency."Ā
You short-circuited, and he sighed upon realising the way you were taking his words ā maybe not the smartest thing he could've said to his still tear-stricken-faced girlfriend.Ā
"What I mean is you should have other areas in your life that make you happy. Not just me."
"I like my job," you mumbled, gaze relocating to your lap. "And my friends."
"Great," he said, and you could feel his weight shifting on the couch as he nudged closer to you. "As long as I'm not your reason for living."
Your eyebrows furrowed. "You've been my reason for living since we started dating. Why is it differentĀ now?"
"I didn't know I was your reason for living until now."
"So if youĀ are, then what? You leave me?"Ā
"No," his response was so immediate you were sure you could feel the whiplash, and he ran a hand down his face with an exasperated sigh. "I don't want to fight with you when you're like this."
"I don't want to fight with you either," you agreed, fidgeting with your fingers in your lap. "I'm sorry I'm co-dependent."
He didn't respond for a while, mulling everything you two had shared and now, your apology, over in his head. You sat, anxiously, as minutes ticked by until he was puffing his cheeks to let out air, and standing up from the couch.Ā
He turned to you. "I love you, you know that," he began, and even before he had a chance to finish, you were already drowning him out, world crumbling around you as tears welled back up in your eyes. Maybe if you weren't as emotional as you were that night, your vision wouldn't haveĀ alreadyĀ gone blurry, and your heart wouldn't be shattering in your chest already.Ā
"But?" you countered, a sob escaping you at the end of the word.
He froze at the sound of it, his eyebrows turning in to each other, "Sorry?"
"You love me,Ā but?"
"I don't understand."
"I'm sitting here, sobbing really violently and I look hideous, and you've just discovered I'm co-dependent, and you don't like that about me, so now you're telling me that you love me, but this isn't going to work out, and I need to work on myself before I get into another relationship, and you hope I can find happiness, andā"
"āWhatĀ are you talking about?" he cut your ranting off, blinking a few times,Ā confused.Ā
"Is that not what's happening?"Ā
"No?"
"Oh."
You stared at him, and he stared at you, and you felt your heart slowly pick itself back up from the pits of your stomach, each piece mending itself back together.Ā He wasn't breaking up with you.
"I wasn't going to say that at all. Please don't put words in my mouth."
"Sorry," you said, though it wasn't very sincere.Ā He crouched down in front of you, hands finding your fidgeting ones to hold them.
"Can I finish what I'm going to say before you cut me off this time?" Wordlessly, you nodded your head, and so he continued. "I love you, and you know that, and I don't want you to think I'm upset or mad at you for being codependent. You're allowed to not know how to navigate a relationship.Ā Butā"
"āThere it isā" he glared with no real heat at you, and your lips twitched "āSorry."
"But I need you to communicate with me. I'm going to inevitably do things that upset you,Ā becauseĀ you're co-dependent. We need to figure those things out, because a lot of the time you will respond unhealthily, and knowing what I know now, I don't want to be a trigger inĀ anyĀ way."
"You won't be a trigger," you mumbled, and he shot you a pointed look, and your shoulders deflated. "I just feel stupid communicating things like that. Like,Ā oh, I'm sad because my boyfriend is out of state for work and he's super busy and not responding to my messages so I think he might hate me."
"That isn't stupid."
"Yes it is!"
He said your name, eyebrows risen, and he shook his head. "You're upset about something. That isn't a stupid thing at all."
"ItĀ feelsĀ stupid."
"Okay, well, how about the next time I'm away on a case and not replying and youĀ miss me, which is what that crazy, sad,Ā completely reasonableĀ phenomenon is called, by the way, you communicate that with me, and you see how I respond?"
"What if you tell me to go fuck myself?"Ā
He didn't even need to verbally deny your words for you to know thatĀ thatĀ response was completely out of character for him. All it took was one simple look, and you were diffidently smiling and averting your gaze, mumbling a quiet, "Okay."
And yes, the next time he was out of the state and youĀ missed him, as he so kindly put it, you told him. And he spent three hours on the phone that night with you, reassuringly expressing how much heĀ loved you, and howĀ littleĀ he hated you.
your reblogs and replies are always appreciatedĀ ā”
Iām gonna start posting fics/one shots/smuts on here for yall so if you have any requests Iāll take em!
Fandoms I write for: X-men (2000s & prequels), criminal minds, smosh, challengers, west side story, hunger games, some celebs
(The main) People Iāll write for: Spencer Reid, Matthew gray gubler, Emily prentiss, Aaron hotchner, Jennifer jareau, Elle greenway, Art Donaldson, Rogue, Bobby Drake, Logan Howlett, Raven darkholme, Hank McCoy, Ian hecox, Courtney miller, Rachel zegler, Mike Faist, Maria (WSS), Riff (WSS), Lucy gray Baird, Peeta melark, Katniss Everdeen
This list is mainly full of people I personally love or know well personality wise but Iām open to doing others š
Disclaimers: I will not be doing any cnc or anything like that due to my own trauma and will not write any rough smut or anything to do with children obviously, if you do put in a request just wait plz donāt continue to ask when itāll be out thatās just kinda annoying (if itās been like a month obviously you can ask about it but donāt do it like the day after or anything like that)
Maybe unpopular opinion: Iām tired of reading fics where theyāre enemies to lovers or theyāre casual about their feelings I want to read them feel so much for each other that they feel sick because they love each other so much like the gods intended!
(I have bpd and love so intensely and no fanfic has properly described how intense my love can be)
her powers: spider power (enhanced senses, enhanced reflexes, self healing, wall crawling, spider-sense, super speed/strength, super durability)
hair: dark brown, mid length, with bangs
family: Aunt May, Ben Parker (uncle dies at the beginning of her first movie), Richard Parker (dad:dead), Mary Parker (mom:dead) Peter Parker (twin brother: dies at the end of her first movie)
friends allies: Gwen Stacy (best friend, played by: Maya hawk) AJ Hart (boyfriend)
Enimes: 1st movie: Lizard (John Hart), second movie: green goblin, SM: NWH: TBD
Hobbies (other than being a superhero): Dance
Suit: her suit is basically just spider-mans suit but instead of the full face cover mask she just has a mask that covers her eyes entirely and instead of the suits shoes she wears red converse that she, Gwen, Peter, and AJ have all drawn on at some point
