“I think I would want a garden,” Regulus said, looking at James. The moon illuminated his face. Merlin, his pretty face.Â
“A garden would be nice” James moved the hair behind his ear. Holding his hand there as he explained. A garden, a white house, maybe even a picket fence, it was a dream.Â
Sirius shook him once more, it was like waking up. James was in his house…Lily and James' house. Without a garden and a goddamn picket fence. “Oh Sirius…” James pulled him into a hug. The paper was limp in my hand as Lily stood towards the doorframe, eventually joining in.Â
“It can’t...it can’t be true..I mean the last thing I said to him-” Sirius shook in James’ arms. It had been true, Regulus Black was dead.Â
“Shh, Sirius…he knows you loved him” Lily whispered softly. James’ mind was truly blank. How do you comfort your best friend when his brother died? When the love of your life died? And if he died thinking you hated him, the both of you?
It was like the days moved in slow motion, blending into one sad painting. It shouldn’t have affected him this much. It was Sirius’ brother, not his. It wasn’t his wife. So why did it hurt like this?
James knew he was wrong, guilty. A guilt that ate at him for years. How can he be a good husband when he has spent his marriage grieving someone who wasn’t dead…and now was?
What if? He missed Regulus for the rest of his life? Just what if?
That had been the question for years, what if?
What if Regulus chose him?
What if he had chosen Regulus?
What if this life wasn’t worth living without Regulus?
He loved Lily, of course he did. But what if?
“I think you’re everything I’ve ever wanted,” James whispered into a sleeping Regulus’ head. He was tucked in James’ arms, right where he belonged. Where he felt he had belonged. Where he felt like home.
James’ house was gray, not white yet so close. There was no fence, simply the front door facing the sidewalk. No space for a garden, but they had flowerbeds hanging out the windows. Everything is so close but not right.
“You alright love?” Lily nudged him, her baby bump was growing larger by the day.
“I’m just worried about Sirius…” James looked at the man slumped on the couch. He was worried about Sirius, because frankly to everyone else…he didn’t know Regulus. How he took his tea, his favorite constellation, and how peaceful he looked sleeping. Did he die peacefully? Maybe he was out there. Thinking of James?
Lily seemed unconvinced, a look she wore often lately. Did she know about the box James kept tucked away in the attic?
“A scarf?” James looked at Regulus quizzically at the long lump of messily knitted fabric.Â
“It’s shit I know…” Regulus reached for it. But James pulled back.
“It’s perfect…you made it, it’s perfect…”
Sometimes Sirius would stare at James, the look was indecipherable. Even after Harry was born, he would stare at him this way.
“Sometimes you look so sad for a man with so much,” Sirius had said one day, Lily was out at the shops and James was bouncing Harry in his arms. James had almost stopped.
“We have a lot to be sad about Pads”Â
“Just tell me why!” James had yelled frustrated.
“I had to! James, is that what you want me to say? Is that what you wanna hear?” Regulus screamed back, his sleeve rolled up to show the mark on his arm.
“You didn’t! You had the choice, I have given it to you a million times Regulus! All I want is for you to choose us! And you chose them…” James threw up his arms. Running his hands through his hair. And then the expression on Regulus' face. His pretty face.
“James? What’s this?” Lily held up the box, an old wooden box with a faulty lock made of brass. James had no words, what could he say. It was an old box full of old things. A scarf, a poetry book with worn down pages, a silver ring encrusted with the Noble House of Black emblem, and a stack of letters edges marked with the kind of color that only comes from age. “I found it while getting some of Harry’s old baby toys” She said, setting it on the table.
“Just some stuff from school, I think” James cleared his throat. That same look from Sirius, Lily had perfectly on her face.Â
I know, it's ridiculous. You won’t answer, you never do. But I saw you got married and I just want you to know I’m happy for you. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and you look so happy. I know I hurt you, honestly I think it’s all I was capable of. Besides loving you. Because I did so much. I chose my path. I know that, but I wish you could see how much I love you, and I miss you so much. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
I wish you could send me letters during break, so for your gift or part of it. I decided to write one for each day we’re apart. When I look at you I feel a sense of freedom I haven’t felt since I first rode a broom. Parts of me let go when I’m with you. I will hate being back at that house, I dread the amount of time we will be apart. But I know I’ll survive it, knowing you love me.
The ridiculous stunt you pulled on the quidditch pitch was astonishing. I truly refuse someone could be stupid enough to be hit by a bludger. I also refuse to believe I was the reason you were so distracted. I do not respect being the butt of the joke for you and my stupid brothers pranks.
It was all laid out in front of him, the letter he never opened, the one he read over and over, and the first one ever sent. The look on Lily’s face said it all. Why James had looked so miserable since that day. Since the day Regulus was announced as dead. Slowly, ever so slowly Lily placed the items back in the box and took it back to the attic.
The box was a constant in their life, a constant space taken up. Through every move, every spring cleaning. James was 42 now. He had three beautiful children with Lily.
He had a white house, with a porch swing. There was a garden and a pond with koi fish. A white picket fence, the paint had worn down enough to show the natural wood underneath.Â
Even now, he had everything Regulus wanted. But he didn’t have Regulus.
He loved Lily, she was everything to him now, but he would never stop missing Regulus.Â
Even when he was old and gray, when he forgot his children's names, where he was, what day it was. He would always remember Regulus, the way he smiled in the moonlight, the way he could name every constellation, the vision of a house just for them, the small remnants of a dream he could never quite reach. Remnants of someone, he would miss for the rest of his life.
A/N: Helllloooo beautiful people, I posted this on AO3 too, under the name Chachie if you would like to give it some love there!
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