Some abusers do follow through and commit suicide after their victim escapes and I hate the way that victims are treated after that happens. The abuser did not kill themselves because they ‘loved their [victim] so much they couldn’t live without them’, they killed themselves because they lost control and dying a martyr was better than sticking around and putting up with the fallout and reputational damage. They killed themselves because it was one final way to hurt their victim and leave them with a massive mess to clean up. In a hypothetical world where they actually killer themselves because they ‘loved their [victim] so much they couldn’t live without them’, the victim should still be under absolutely no obligation to stay and that is an unhealthy dynamic for both of them.
This happens between couples, in parent-child relationships, in friendships and other dynamics but I have to specifically highlight it within the context of domestic violence committed by a male partner against a female partner. The reaction is particularly rancid because there is a societal expectation that women should ‘take care of’ men and be responsible for them. A woman can spend 15 years trying to help a violent man get better when he has no desire to do so and when she finally leaves for the safety of herself and her children and he ends his life, she is blamed for it. As though he wasn’t the perpetrator, as though he wouldn’t have killed her and the kids if he had continued access. I wish I could say this is uncommon but a not insignificant number of men commit suicide after their wife files for divorce/after their divorce is finalized and reactionary misogynists continuously point to this as a reason divorce is bad or women are evil instead of acknowledging that that guy was holding his family hostage and ended his life when his hostages escaped.
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