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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@ma-trix
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convention was awesome! here's a set of shots from exploring around SF during the evening after festivities.
nowadays
feeling pretty empty tonight but I've already reached the point of numbness that it doesn't bother me that I'm lonely a lot. I quite like my own company sometimes..kinda. friends and family was fun, I found josh after intermission but I didn't really fit into the group--eh I don't really fit in anywhere to be honest. haha doesn't really matter I guess. it actually scares me how little I'm starting to care about things. although I still hold some things close to heart everything else seems to be floating away without me really minding at all. hahah, whatever time to sleep.
I like how you treat a (so I'd like to think) close friend like me often worse than you do with people you aren't really close with at all; you seem a lot friendlier and attentive with others--more tolerant and carefree. I mean I get other privileges like knowing personal matters and whatnot but--I like to have fun too. I'm a lighthearted person, I like fun and meaningless conversation. so I guess you could call me conflicted sometimes
it kind of boggles my mind sometimes.
guess I don't really know what to expect from people, hah. whatever floats your boat. I worry too much about insignificant things anyways and it'll just be be frustrated for a couple of hours then I won't really care anymore
but regionals was a fun time. yep. and yeah souplantation was worth it cuz I paid for a drink and ate a whole meal
Anchor
..as expected, same old shit as before, here to haunt me again like it always does. oh and kevin told me a good metaphor today that he had about his similar situation that really paved the road for some new perspectives. so, I built off of it (stubborn me always trying to understand the meaning behind everything).
--she's like an anchor, you see--she ties my heart down into utter and complete immobility. this morning my heart felt like a quickly sinking anchor, heavy and violently plummeting, and I just.. couldn't find the will to pick it up. I feel unable to move forward to a new pier and settle myself down because the chain attached to this anchor on my heart only runs so long before it stretches to its limit. I see the pier I want to go to in the foggy distance; I know where I want to go but I'm being chained to my past. the ship can't set sail until I muster the strength to pull myself out of the ground. I've been gathering my crew to help me get the job done but sometimes I fear that it's not enough. I can't stay grounded with someone I want to be because I have a cumbersome weight that sits behind next to her. I guess these are the feelings literally lying "deep under the sea." on the surface I've already accepted the fact that it's the obsolete past and it doesn't bother me and up there the stinging has been assuaged and I've moved on. but recently I think I've found a new shipmate that may be the person I need to pick this here anchor and get myself to my destination.
but in complete honesty, fuck my stubborn heart, I want an adventure. I think the fact that it has been an overall negative day stacked on top of new information about her (in which I would have never wanted to hear) was told to me.. just made me break a bit.--thus this text post
in reality I'm truly an extremely (dangerously) self destructive person in terms of dealing with adverse situations that deal with my emotions. more often than not I lose control of my mind which I always find to make matters much, much worse than they were. but I get over it, you know.
only to be reminded again.
I admit I occasionally unrealistically think of her once in a while and ponder upon the possibilities of romance--the worst being when I think about what might have actually happened before with past boyfriends--but that in truth means nothing and shouldn't mean anything to me anymore. yeah it hurts like fuck, yeah it pisses me the fuck off, but I just have to live with it and not let it influence my future decisions because I know I'd just be wasting my time if I did. do you think of my now and then? I guess it doesn't matter anymore. it doesn't matter to you so I don't know why it still does to me.
but this new shipmate gives me a completely different perspective on myself and who I am. really reminds me of who I really am (10x better than I'll allow myself to think most of the time). I feel like I can really be myself and it makes me genuinely happy that I've been given another silver lining. I feel comfortable I in my own skin and for the first time I don't feel the need to chase someone to be in first place. for the first time I feel on the same playing field with someone and giving and taking is at balance. there aren't insecurities or boundaries. it's like my map has been opened to the whole sea and I just have to remember that it's there for me to access and explore.
and in truth this isn't all to get over you or some bullshit reason. I just think it's just time for me to grow up and do me for me.
to share that with someone, well.. that's an adventure.
I never really felt sentimental about valentines day but today I feel particularly lonesome and though I'd like to think I try keep myself emotionally vacuous I kinda wish I had someone to share my loneliness with I seem to have regressed
I removed the redirect on this blog so you can see all of my past bullshit text posts and the like
once in a while I just like letting go and freestyling to some good music. feels great, clears my mind.
zetsubouu replied to your post: i have to go to school at 6:30 tomorrow and leave...
lol why
falconer's fat penis penetrating my virgin rectum like no other
i have to go to school at 6:30 tomorrow and leave in the evening just kill me now
Did you know, you can quit your job, you can leave university? You aren’t legally required to have a degree, it’s a social pressure and expectation, not the law, and no one is holding a gun to your head. You can sell your house, you can give up your apartment, you can even sell your vehicle, and your things that are mostly unnecessary. You can see the world on a minimum wage salary, despite the persisting myth, you do not need a high paying job. You can leave your friends (if they’re true friends they’ll forgive you, and you’ll still be friends) and make new ones on the road. You can leave your family. You can depart from your hometown, your country, your culture, and everything you know. You can sacrifice. You can give up your $5.00 a cup morning coffee, you can give up air conditioning, frequent consumption of new products. You can give up eating out at restaurants and prepare affordable meals at home, and eat the leftovers too, instead of throwing them away. You can give up cable TV, Internet even. This list is endless. You can sacrifice climbing up in the hierarchy of careers. You can buck tradition and others’ expectations of you. You can triumph over your fears, by conquering your mind. You can take risks. And most of all, you can travel. You just don’t want it enough. You want a degree or a well-paying job or to stay in your comfort zone more. This is fine, if it’s what your heart desires most, but please don’t envy me and tell me you can’t travel. You’re not in a famine, in a desert, in a third world country, with five malnourished children to feed. You probably live in a first world country. You have a roof over your head, and food on your plate. You probably own luxuries like a cellphone and a computer. You can afford the $3.00 a night guest houses of India, the $0.10 fresh baked breakfasts of Morocco, because if you can afford to live in a first world country, you can certainly afford to travel in third world countries, you can probably even afford to travel in a first world country. So please say to me, “I want to travel, but other things are more important to me and I’m putting them first”, not, “I’m dying to travel, but I can’t”, because I have yet to have someone say they can’t, who truly can’t. You can, however, only live once, and for me, the enrichment of the soul that comes from seeing the world is worth more than a degree that could bring me in a bigger paycheck, or material wealth, or pleasing society. Of course, you must choose for yourself, follow your heart’s truest desires, but know that you can travel, you’re only making excuses for why you can’t. And if it makes any difference, I have never met anyone who has quit their job, left school, given up their life at home, to see the world, and regretted it. None. Only people who have grown old and regretted never traveling, who have regretted focusing too much on money and superficial success, who have realized too late that there is so much more to living than this.
Wunderkammer: Did You Know (via pitchblackglow)
formal was fun too bad i didn't have my voice
wow my obsession with having my photo posts transition by color is going too far
lol wow I'm so sad, people on the internet are being really mean to me can I just go hide in a corner and die optimism has hit the rock
are you fucking serious fuck this shit