Holy fucking shit I need help so bad (TW: a lot of shit that happens in a (my) fucked up life)
I am so fucking lonely and touch-starved and love-starved it’s driving me insaneeee. Literally every fucking night I cry or daydream or do whateverthefuck to stop myself from losing my mind. I can’t get therapy cuz of reasons I’m not going into (I didn’t do anything bad ok?) and there’s like one person that I actually would want intimacy with and I have the fattest fucking crush on her but she’s my friend and of course I’m not gonna want to tell her how I feel cuz my brain does the dumbfuck human thing of always thinking the worst outcome is the most likely one and that worst outcome fucking terrifies me cuz ofc it does. Also she already knows me as a friend and if we actually started doing anything I’d have to stop being public me around someone who’s only view of me is public me and private intimate me is so fucking different from any personality I use with anybody else (Childhood trauma with my dad getting upset at me for crying instead of comforting me because it was “annoying” (to hear me crying but I also assume to have to try and comfort me) cuz it feels like he valued his own convenience over his kid’s emotional health (at least that’s what I’m fairly confident caused it)). Also along with just being a different personality in private, I’m pretty sure she’s straight but I’m a fuckin closeted pre-HRT transfem too so like that’s a whole nother angle of fuck you to throw into this already hot mess that is my life and this situation.
so in summary, my mental health is fucked from years of un helped childhood issues, dysphoria, no intimacy, and depression, I’m terrified of asking the one person who I would actually want to be intimate with to do anything because of the fact that she has always perceived me as a different version of myself (which is also the one that literally everyone else who has ever known me knows me as (pretty much just tune down any emotion other than happiness and save that for when I’m in private (no I can’t just stop doing it either cuz it’s an automatic response to being in the presence of even just one other human being))) and there are like seven gorillion different points where there is a likely chance she stops going through with this hypothetical relationship. Aaaand now my summary is as long as the initial half of this.
I don’t know why I post this cuz it’s not like anyone is gonna see this, and even if they do it won’t change my situation in like any way
it’s 8:31 PM on Friday, July 11th of 2025, 8:32 now. I am lying in bed after I tried to cry it all out but only got a few tears cuz I don’t know why. I think about hurting myself almost every day and suicide every 2 or 3 days but I don’t ever do it because I know I’ll get addicted to SH (I am susceptible to addiction so I try to avoid anything that is addictive (I say as I am on my phone lol)) and I know life is gonna get better if I keep living. But like the thoughts just keep coming back and now motherfucking “Sweet Caroline” is playing in my head cuz why the shit not (music pretty much is always in my head (it’s “The Bidding” by Tally Hall now) prolly cuz of adhd or add or some other fuckin issue that isn’t dealt with like all the others.
my god I could ramble on for at least an hour on all the shit that’s wrong with me (wish I could do it in a room alone with a therapist that is trying to help me get better!!!). Also if you’ve managed to still be here and reading, I’m thirteen. I am like 20 billion times more mentally mature than anybody else I know so ofc I feel all this shittttt. I also live in a town in Massachusetts with <10,000 people and my grade has <100 people, so it’s not like I can get out and meet someone new (especially with the current state of kids my age).
Good luck living ur life ig, seeya