Things are weird right now. The whole being an adult, working a full time job, and paying all your bills but NOT being broke after part of my life is going great. Which I thought would make me happy, and it does, to an extent, but I also just feel sad bc all I do is work. I literally work everyday (if not at my 40 hours a week job, at my grandmas because she needs help with a lot of stuff) I haven’t had one day off to literally do nothing in months. Work really isn’t that bad tho, I absolutely LOVE my coworkers, they are some of the best people I’ve met, and they make work fun, most of the time. But something still feels off...working literally every single day is stressful, and tiring... I keep thinking to myself ‘it will be worth it in June when you get to go to Pennsylvania and get to see one of your favorite people perform one of your favorite albums’ but even that trip is starting to feel like this weird thing, almost like I’m so excited for it, but I’m also dreading it. It’s something I REALLY WANT TO DO, and obviously I’m going to do it, because I’ve already put over $1,000 into this trip..and I get to see Harry Styles.. on my birthday... but it just doesn’t feel as exciting as it once did.. which breaks my heart...but at the same time I’m stuck asking what about when its over, what about when I come back to my normal routine? I’ll have nothing to look forward to and right now that seems to be the main thing keeping me going without going insane.
As far as friendships go, I’m in a strange spot where I have this thought in my head that I can’t get out. It basically screams “HEY THEY DON’T LIKE YOU ANYMORE, NO ONE DOES. THEY NEVER DID.” It’s taken me to this place where I don’t want to hang out with anyone, heck, I don’t even really want to TALK to anyone anymore. At no fault to them, but I just feel like I’m bothering people, like I’m a burden they have to deal with.. Like they dread responding to me.. or even if they ask me to hang out they hope I will say no, because they were just doing it to be nice. I KNOW IT’S NOT LIKE THAT, BUT THAT’S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, and I HATE it. I’m sure it will pass, I just wish I knew how to help it pass a little quicker. I miss my friends.
I was also apart of this really cool project thing. that means a lot to me, but again.. I’m having that same ‘no one likes you, they never did’ thought runs through my head. I feel it big time with the group now a days. Even tho the people in the group are my friends.. or were my friends? acquaintances now? I’m not sure, but we are suppose to be like a family, and sometimes it feels like that, but most the time it feels like THEY are all a big family and I’m just like that weird second cousin who just observes everyone else have a good time.. does that make sense? Probably not, I’m not good with words.. I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I always felt like I never reaaaaalllly connected with anyone. Everyone else bonded over things, and are getting really close and I was just kinda always there.. I guess that’s how I am with everything tho.. just kind of there.. its just a weird feeling, and again, I’m sure it will pass in time.
I don’t have the energy to write anything else. All of this has drained me.
jacobvanloon
baratheonpilled
areudirty
theartofmadeline
tangentwithtanner
