Things are weird right now. The whole being an adult, working a full time job, and paying all your bills but NOT being broke after part of my life is going great. Which I thought would make me happy, and it does, to an extent, but I also just feel sad bc all I do is work. I literally work everyday (if not at my 40 hours a week job, at my grandmas because she needs help with a lot of stuff) I havenāt had one day off to literally do nothing in months. Work really isnāt that bad tho, I absolutely LOVE my coworkers, they are some of the best people Iāve met, and they make work fun, most of the time. But something still feels off...working literally every single day is stressful, and tiring... I keep thinking to myselfĀ āit will be worth it in June when you get to go to Pennsylvania and get to see one of your favorite people perform one of your favorite albumsā but even that trip is starting to feel like this weird thing, almost like Iām so excited for it, but Iām also dreading it. Itās something I REALLY WANT TO DO, and obviously Iām going to do it, because Iāve already put over $1,000 into this trip..and I get to see Harry Styles.. on my birthday... but it just doesnāt feel as exciting as it once did.. which breaks my heart...but at the same time Iām stuck asking what about when its over, what about when I come back to my normal routine? Iāll have nothing to look forward to and right now that seems to be the main thing keeping me going without going insane.Ā
As far as friendships go, Iām in a strange spot where I have this thought in my head that I canāt get out. It basically screams āHEY THEY DONāT LIKE YOU ANYMORE, NO ONE DOES. THEY NEVER DID.ā Itās taken me to this place where I donāt want to hang out with anyone, heck, I donāt even really want to TALK to anyone anymore. At no fault to them, but I just feel like Iām bothering people, like Iām a burden they have to deal with.. Like they dread responding to me.. or even if they ask me to hang out they hope I will say no, because they were just doing it to be nice. I KNOW ITāS NOT LIKE THAT, BUT THATāS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE, and I HATE it. Iām sure it will pass, I just wish I knew how to help it pass a little quicker. I miss my friends.Ā
I was also apart of this really cool project thing. that means a lot to me, but again.. Iām having that sameĀ āno one likes you, they never didā thought runs through my head. I feel it big time with the group now a days. Even tho the people in the group are my friends.. or were my friends? acquaintances now? Iām not sure, but we are suppose to be like a family, and sometimes it feels like that, but most the time it feels like THEY are all a big family and Iām just like that weird second cousin who just observes everyone else have a good time.. does that make sense? Probably not, Iām not good with words..Ā I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I always felt like I never reaaaaalllly connected with anyone. Everyone else bonded over things, and are getting really close and I was just kinda always there.. I guess thatās how I am with everything tho.. just kind of there.. its just a weird feeling, and again, Iām sure it will pass in time.
I donāt have the energy to write anything else. All of this has drained me.
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