If hurt means not having the energy to move all day and just lay in bed and think about everything if it means non stop cries and sleepless nights If it's only the thorns that lurk Then i guess. I was just hurt. If we define it by how many tears we shed or the lies that mislead us to the truth that we can't merely face because it stings If you base this word, this one word, this single word that doesn't even have a past, present, even a future tense, on the broken strings Then yes, maybe, just maybe I was just hurt But I wasn't, though I really wish I was just hurt. Because these things this isn't just because I was hurt. Let me tell you one thing that I really was. Dead. Wrecked. Bruised. Scarred. Damaged. I wasn't just hurt. I ripped my image Tear my ego down to pieces stepped on every hot melting rock just to fit on to the words "I'm okay" but guess what. I wasn't. Not being sober for days isn't okay so is whenever I lay in bed praying, screaming in pain asking more and more how else can I make you stay. I wasn't just hurt so let me tell you about what's first. Dead. Physically looking like a zombie with bags under my redish eyes from the tears I shed that was caused by your lies And inside, I'm cold and dark nothing compared to a broken heart because to start with, it wasn't whole before you came and told me you'd pick up the pieces for me but you were the one who knocked it out again and yet, you still won. Dead because I took the blame, caught the grenade, took the bullet Lifted the heavy weights of your words and my mistakes. Because to you, that's all I ever do and tell me that those mistakes were your trigger, your shot, your alibi to treat me as if I deserved to be treated badly the way you did. I was dead for because of you, I was afraid. To love, to live, dead because all I ever wanted to do was fade Cold to the core that I shut everybody out thinking that no. Not one more time. I'm okay with the chills down my spine Rather than a burning love that would leave brokenness inside I wasn't just hurt from the bruises you left when you kissed my neck You gave my heart not just bruises but also scars my and that's what made what was left of me a wreck. For a thousand chances I gave, comes with millions of blade that cut through this heart. But it doesn't matter because in the first place it's what teared me apart. I'm not stupid, I'm not dumb, I'm smart as I can be but when it comes to you I am weak. My heart beats and it's what follows Not minding the hollow space that's slowly consuming my heart whenever you say sorry, and eventually do it again. And here I am, always begging you to please have mercy on my heart, please stop making it your punching bag please just stop. But you won't. And so I took you back every time actually believing you you'd let me heal but then you start to leave me broken again I was never home sober and my lungs are filled with nicotine thinking for a little while, depressants would numb me and at times I'd stay home than go to a party just to eat ice cream, watch tv and cry I was pathetic. I was pathetic when I was with you, even more now that I'm without you. I wasn't just hurt... I was broken to the point I couldn't fix myself anymore. What do you call it? Damaged. Tampered with your smile your hug your kiss And those other little things that I miss that when I lost it all, than when I lost you... you took all of me along too. I couldn't eat and as much as I couldn't sleep waking up was harder thinking I'm gonna live another day pretending to be happy, that I don't care, that I'm okay. Then start another night with tears and wake up again living the same cycle being stuck in the memory of you. I don't want this anymore. Not anymore. So if ever you ask me if I was hurt know that I'm not... but I rather wish I just was...
snowghoul
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