The Battle Within

This Blogiary (tm) is the continuing saga of your average 63 year old transwoman. A Cancer, Coma and Chemo survivor. I'm documenting my very occasional successes, epic failures and the struggle it takes to just be myself in an ever declining world.

[madi2112]

The last time...

The last time I was at Disneyland Resort it was 13 years ago and I looked so different.

The time I saw Rush in concert it was 11 years ago and I was very different, as well

Fast forward to 2026 and this time feels so different.

The resort has changed drastically, the band has changed drastically and I have changed too.

Some changes have been needed, others forced upon us.

All hopefully for the better based on current circumstances.

Changes aren't permanent, but change is.

~Madison

[madi2112]

Anticipation building

In a few days I'm off to Los Angeles to see my all time favorite music group.

Rush

They have been my absolute favorite since the late 70's and it continues through today.

After more than a decade of absence they are back and I've got a ticket to show #4.

It will be wonderful to them performing live again.

Of course it will be a bit bittersweet as drummer/lyricist Neil Peart passed away 6 years ago.

He was my inspiration for not only picking up a pair of sticks, but also a pen and paper.

Stepping into the drum seat is Anika Nilles.

As a female drummer it's awesome to see her get the hugely coveted position.

Can't wait to see her and the whole band perform together.

L.A. and Rush here I come!

~Madison

[madi2112]

Well, it's something.

Even though I'm incredibly worried, angered, sad, disgusted, disappointed, heartbroken and embarrassed that the company I have worked for these last 11 years is really no different than any other soulless money worshipping conglomerate.

The very company I have to talk up and be enthusiastic about to all those newly conned employees is betraying their own most loyal once dedicated staff members.

Thousands of hard working people are having their pay cut to the point where survival becomes difficult.

Including me.

A 30% reduction in wages has me using up my emergency funds and having to face the fact that I can't pay all my bills.

Selling my house, living in my trailer, looking for a new job, trying to find a roommate, prioritizing which bills get paid and defaulting on my credit card payments are all very real options I am being forced to explore.

But hey, at least I had the perk of seeing a lackluster Queensryche set while at work the other night.

Topped only by being forced to stand in over 100° heat and extremely humid conditions for hours.

The "magic" is fading. And fast.

~Madison

[madi2112]

The fun stretches on

The first time I had major surgery, in January of 2018, I had a sarcastic catchphrase I repeated frequently to deal with the pain.

"All part of the fun!"

A nurse would come in at 5am and ask "Are you ready for another blood draw?"

My response?

"All part of the fun!"

It was a handy phrase that dripped of sarcasm and expressed my frustration in a mildly amusing way.

Fast forward to May of 2026.

I'm scheduled to finally have the nephrostomy tube that has been coming out of my back since January removed.

The doctors office is over an hour away and with an 8am appointment commuter traffic has to also be factored in.

The plan is to go through the Illeal Conduit with a scope about the diameter of a knitting needle, then insert a smaller tube into that and snip the sutures holding the stint in place and simply pull the tube out.

Only that couldn't happen.

A wasted appointment, wasted time, wasted travel, waisted expenses and additional frustration.

Now I have to go in for actual surgery to have the f*****g tube removed.

In July!

6 more weeks of pain as the tube gets pulled on, adjusted, and wakes me up multiple times a night with sharp pain.

This also means full sedation, another trip to a surgical center and lying to them about transportation.

I guess it's,

"All part of the fun!"

~Madison

[madi2112]

Right in the palm of my hands.

As if recovering from my surgery wasn't enough, which it most certainly should be, I had what might be one of the worst 21st century problems suddenly occur.

My phone died.

Not just stopped working, or needed a replacement or anything predictable.

It just died.

Working fine one instant, then screen turned black and nothing would revive it.

Not any combination of buttons, not any attempts to reset it.

Nothing.

And along with it all those years of data and communications.

Plus so much more.

You hear the tales of people who claim their whole lives were on their phones. I once scoffed at that.

Now, I agree with it.

It will take weeks to retrieve even a portion of what was stored on my previous device.

Some things I will never get back.

Which is sad and pathetic.

Like me.

~Madison

[madi2112]

Overdoing it, as usual

After nearly 2 weeks bedridden in the hospital they rather quickly kicked me out and sent me home.

That sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not really.

From an IV only diet, to out the door, in a little over 2 days.

I have an appointment to get the 40 staples in my abdominal area removed on Monday.

Since I got home Tuesday night the smart thing to do is to rest, recuperate and heal until then.

When have I ever been smart?

Never.

So why should I start now?

I did rest all day Wednesday.

On Thursday, it was off to set up my Madiimages booth at the Lakeside Jazz and Art Festival.

Then work 15 hours each day staffing the booth on Friday and Saturday.

I guess I'll rest on Sunday.

Then back to work on Tuesday.

Because that makes perfect sense, right?

~Madison

[madi2112]

In the hospital...still

I have been in Winter Park hospital now for 6 straight days and I'm barely any better than I was on day 1.

Nearly constant pain continues until it gets so bad they allow me relief with a dose of Dilaudid.

I can't eat, so I'm on a strictly IV diet.

Even a tiny sip of water is painful.

I'm sore from lying around in bed and bored out of mind.

My emergency savings is going to have to be diminished even farther as my PTO can't handle the bills.

In other words, my life is an utter disaster with no end in sight.

And when that's the case my mind starts looking at my favorite way to deal with it.

Which is to "opt out"

~ Madison

[madi2112]

Small, but noteworthy

Last night was my artist reception at The Orlando Pride Center and it was an ok night.

That sounds like a cop-out description but it's about the best way to sum it up.

I was afraid I was going to totally get the Artie Fufkin (look it up) treatment but that wasn't the complete story.

True, only 5 people showed up.

However, those 5 people set a new high in sales for my work.

In two hours there was $280 in sales. Bettering the previous high of $210 at the Kissimmee Art in the Park.

Plus another $100 on order.

The bulk of it purchased by my doctors office of Spektrum Health for the lobby.

Which was so cool of them to not only show up, but like enough of my work to buy some!

The real highlight of the night though was that Laura showed up!

Yes, THAT Laura. (see entries from September to December 2024)

The one I was enthralled with and the one I could have fallen for. The one I still look at and have my breath taken away. The one I could have easily dedicated my life to.

Had she not ended it, of course

So to see her again and have her take the time to visit my art show was just.....wow!

Plus she still looks...sigh ❤️

So while the count was small it was memorable.

Which is better than the utter disaster I was expecting.

Now....on to surgery!

~Madison

[madi2112]

One less than one.

In a move that is painful, yet completely predictable my "friend" can't make it to assist me with my surgery.

Just like back in January.

Same excuses, same issues, same results.

My surgery is not important. My major surgery isn't worth the travel time.

Not when compared to the possibly of someone's discomfort.

So I'll face a three hour surgery, 5 days of hospitalization and then a week of recovery alone.

I'll defy my doctor's orders, drive myself back and fend for myself when I get to an empty house.

As usual.

Plus there goes my guarantee of at least one person at my "meet the artist" reception this Thursday.

Now zero is a very realistic number.

Because it's one less than one.

~Madison

[madi2112]

Totally Typical

I was fortunate enough to be selected as a participant for Women's History Month again this year.

This included a certificate, a reception and an awards ceremony at Kissimmee City Hall.

It won't translate into any sales of my photographs or any real notoriety other then a quick blip on a small radar.

I does look good on a resume. I guess.

If I sound a bit less than enthusiastic, you'd be correct.

Last year didn't make a difference. So why should this year?

The number of people that will see my images is minimal. Especially so this year, as my work is relegated to the second floor of the building.

I did get a short interview on the Osceola County social media page.

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/187K5HkriP/

The biggest dissapointment by far is my lack of support.

Once again, at an event where the other participants had family, friends and supporters, I had silence.

As usual.

Is this what the "Meet the Artist" event at The Pride Center Orlando will look like ?

Empty, with no one attending.

No one I invited being there.

Embarrassing and a waste of time.

Most likely YES to all of the above.

~ Madison

[madi2112]

I smell a rat

I had a date on Friday. A first date after a couple of weeks of texting and messaging.

Dissapointed....again.

This time about what they wouldn't say or do.

She made sure to explain that she doesn't like to be vocal about being a member of the LGBT+ community. At all.

Not just vocal but also no attendance at any event or gathering.

Even so far as to badmouth the Pride Center and labeling those to far on "either end" as radicals.

🚩🚩🚩

Then came the second amendment speech and her full support of it.

🚩🚩🚩

Once it got to the point when she couldn't denounce the 🍊 💩 or Florida's own DeFascist, I knew what I stumbled upon.

A right winger disguising themselves as a moderate because otherwise no one would meet them.

Especially not in our community.

I can't stomach anyone who tolerates any part of them.

Or ignores it even.

It's a huge deal breaker for me.

Always will be.

I think she knew we weren't going anywhere after my first DeFascist reference. Lol.

Haven't communicated even once since.

I'm glad.

~Madison

[madi2112]

If you can't say something nice.....

If it seems like the posts on this page are getting less frequent, you are correct.

In the past I averaged about a post a week. Often times more if something of note was happening in my life.

Therein lies the problem.

I have nothing of note happening much lately.

My life outside of the ever increasing passion for photography, has become almost non exsistant.

I work long hours to try and keep up with my financial obligations which are getting more difficult than ever.

My housing costs have jumped almost 60% since I moved in 5 years ago.

Now I'm seriously considering finding a paying roommate to offset that cost.

One thing about that though.

I don't want a roommate!!!

I value my ability to come home and not be "on display" as I am when ever I'm in public.

The opportunity to just be myself and retreat from the chaos of the world is important.

Especially since trying to destroy the lives of transpeople is a government priority right now.

So I'm faced with either having to work crazy long overtime hours or lose my peace and my privacy.

Tough choice.

My social life is also non exsistant and getting worse. To be honest, my photography is all that keeps me going.

I don't want this page to become my "bitch-fest" outlet.

So often times it's easier not to post than to whine about things.

At least for now....

~Madison

[madi2112]

& Juliette

The frustrating thing about my relationship with Moriah is the inconsistencies.

One day it's so difficult to stay positive when we're together and there is a constant stream of complaints, ailments and talk of her ex.

Still, I never let the feelings of aggravation show. I know that she has people in her life that are quick and vocal about pointing those those things out to her.

I will never be one of those people.

I get reminded of my limitations regularly and will never be that way to someone else.

Despite the sometimes challenging things we face there are times that we really have the best time together.

Last week was one of those times.

We decided to catch a matinee performance of the musical "& Juliette" then dinner out.

I knew nothing of the show, having let Moriah select it.

It was completely enjoyable!

The singing and acting was top notch and the premise of "what happens if Juliette doesn't die at the end of Romeo and Juliette?" Was filled with empowering messages and even a trans/NB character.

After a brief stroll along the Tampa Riverwalk, we had a nice dinner at the orginal location of "The Columbia" regional restaurants.

During my drive home I wondered why it can't always be like this and why she has rejected an actual relationship with me.

Oh yes, I guess I answered my own question last time.

Because I'm not enough.

~Madison

[madi2112]

48 reactions · 5 comments | Art in the Park brought everyone together for a night of fun, creativity, and community! Thank you to everyone t

Art in the Park brought everyone together for a night of fun, creativity, and community! Thank you to everyone that joined us!

From last night....

[madi2112]

Not enough

The single best description of, basically, my entire life.

A phrase I've heard so many times in the past it will be engraved onto my tombstone.

There isn't a single aspect of my life I can point to, that doesn't use that phrase.

For instance the thing with Moriah.

She liked me, but NOT ENOUGH to want a relationship or work through the obstacles to let one happen.

My marriage.

She married me, but when things got difficult I was NOT ENOUGH to stick with, try to understand or work on a solution.

My parents refused to accept me, fought against me and actively made my life difficult because I was NOT ENOUGH for them.

I have friends at work who claim they like me, some even throw around the phrase "love you" to me. I'm just NOT ENOUGH to actually invite to any social function. Ever.

I often think (or wish) I was good at my job. I'm currently finding out that I am good but NOT ENOUGH to progress any farther than I am right now.

My photography passion is shaping up to be the same way.

I've talked to a ton of people from my display booth at ReadOut. All have said extremely complimentary things about my images. My photographs have been on constant display for months at various place. Still, they are NOT ENOUGH to have anyone purchase one. My current sales total from all sources is a whopping $0.00

NOT ENOUGH indeed

So if everything is NOT ENOUGH then what's the point? Will something suddenly and magicly become enough? Is not enough the best I have to look forward too? Will something new capture my imagination and my passion that will also be NOT ENOUGH?

Being NOT ENOUGH is exhausting, frustrating, stressful and depressing.

Because, I need to face the facts, being NOT ENOUGH is all I will ever be.

~Madison

[madi2112]

A one person person

Ever since Moriah left me hanging dangerously alone after my surgery I made it a point to step back from our relationship.

If "relationship" is even the correct term for it.

The multiple times a day texting, calling and communicating are a thing of the past.

I don't push myself to make the 90 minute drive out to her house any more.

We still text every few days at best.

I tried, I really did.

After our kissing session I was willing to do what was needed to explore the possibilities of something developing.

She wasn't.

It just took me a while to absorb that.

But being that I am a one person person and this one person wasn't THE one person it leads to one thing.

It means I'm going to have to make a decision.

Do I accept the fact that I'm more than likely to die alone in the not to distant future?

Do I just take an "I hope someone notices me and makes the first move" approach while I go about my life and my time ticks away?

Do I get back out there and put up with all the horrible stuff that online dating brings which are amplified exponentially by being a lesbian transwoman?

All three options have thier pluses and minuses.

Which to choose?

~Madison

[madi2112]

Time to start writing ✍️

Late in June I will be a guess speaker at a Leadership Symposium for Youth here in Florida.

I have a Saturday morning time slot and been alloted an hour.

I'm thrilled to be doing this, which was set up through my work at Disney.

Despite the fact I have roughly 5 months until the presentation I'm already formulating and outlining my talking points.

After that I'll begin the actual writing process.

While I'm usually incredibly open about my life in this blogairy, I'm hesitant to divulge all the details of my speaking appearance.

I'm sure my transition has not been addressed and with Florida being a less than ideal situation for people like me, I fear backlash and unjust alarm over my inclusion in this event.

It's a shame that things like that are even an issue.

Thanks to a certain 🍊 💩 it is.

~Madison