You seem like the right person to ask but what the fuck is going on in the Taylor Swift fandom? Are they OK?
Okay friend, I’m going to give you the run down. Are you sitting comfortably?
2PM GMT - SOME TAYLOR SWIFT FANS DECIDE - FOR SEEMING ABSOLUTELY NO INTELLIGIBLE REASON - THAT THERE IS A MURAL IN NASHVILLE THAT RELATES TO TAYLOR’S NEW ALBUM
THERE ARE NO FACTS TO BACK THIS UP
TAYLOR HAS NOT SPOKEN OF THIS MURAL
HER TEAM HAVE NOT SPOKEN OF THIS MURAL
THE ONLY VAGUE LINK IS THAT IT RELATES TO HER INSTAGRAM AESTHETIC
THEY’RE GATHERING IN THEIR HUNDREDS BY THIS MURAL CONVINCED THAT SHE’S GOING TO SHOW UP
WHY?
ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON
FLASH FORWARD (and we’re taking on the world together, and there’s a drawer of my things at your place) TO 5PM GMT
AND THE ENTIRE TAYLOR SWIFT FANDOM ON TUMBLR IS BRACING FOR THEIR MOM TO CALL THEM BOO BOO THE FOOL LIKE SHE DID WHEN THEY ASSERTED CONFIDENTLY THAT BECAUSE THERE WERE FIVE HOLES IN A FENCE ON ONE OF HER INSTAGRAM PICTURES THAT A COUNTDOWN WAS HAPPENING
THEY’RE ASSUMING CRASH POSITIONS
THIS IS GOING TO BE AN OUTING OF STUPIDITY TO THE ENTIRE WORLD
NEWS CREWS ARE GATHERING —- AGAIN FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN THE FANS THINK SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THIS THESIS
EVERYONE ON TUMBLR IS DISTRESSED
DISMAYED
“THE WORLD WILL KNOW THAT WE’RE INSANE!!” THEY CRY, THEIR SELF-AWARENESS THEIR LAST REDEEMING FEATURE
AND THEN
WHEN ALL HOPE IS LOST
TAYLOR ‘I’M POTENTIALLY THE ONLY PERSON MORE BATSHIT CRAZY THAN MY FANS’ SWIFT GETS HER CLOWN ASS ON INSTAGRAM
AND CONFIRMS THAT IT IS HER FUCKING MURAL AND THAT SHE IS ON THE WAY THERE
“YOU FIGURED OUT (my secrets and I figure out why you’re guarded, you say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes) THE CLUE!” SHE SHRIEKS
THERE WERE NO CLUES
NOT ONE
THEY TURNED UP IN DROVES BECAUSE THEY ALL DESPERATELY NEED TO GET A JOB
AND THEN - 6PM GMT - THIS ANGEL/DEVIL WOMAN TURNS UP AT THE MURAL AND TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE A SELFIE WITH LITERALLY ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE WHO’S THERE - WHICH BY THE WAY, IS ABOUT 500 PEOPLE AT THIS POINT
AND SAYS! NOTHING ABOUT THE ALBUM! NOTHING ABOUT THE SINGLE! NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING!
SHE JUST SHOWS UP AND SAYS HEY (it was enchanting to meet you)
OUTSTANDING
LITERALLY OUTSTANDING
WHO KNEW SUCH CLOWNERY AND TOMFOOLERY WAS POSSIBLE?
NOT I, GENTLE READER! NOT THE FUCK I!
I’m literally in love with Taylor Swift, I have never wanted to be a celebrity’s friend more than in this moment. She’s so messy and I live for literally every second of it, we are SOUL MATES.
That’s it, that’s the tweet
