Inner Musings of a Mad Man

Queer Asian man living too shamelessly. I clarify so that you understand part of me.

[madmanlives]

Heartbreak

When you entrust your heart and soul to people, some take it for granted and toss you aside. I gifted pieces of my heart. But these pieces have been torn up and scattered to places I can’t reach and I’ll never know.

I thought I would eventually become immune to heartache. I thought that the people I loved would always be by my side. In reality, I was never immune. If you are doing love right, you are always at risk of getting your heart broken.

My best friends through the years have left me behind. I wanted so desperately to be somebody’s best. My best friend’s best friend. Just so that I know I could be. But best is not forever. Change is inescapable.

My “best friend” in the world, my “soulmate.” The person I (thought I) knew is dead to me. I grieve the memory of her and so many others.

[madmanlives]

Firsts

I wanted my first times to be special. My first kiss, my first relationship, my first time having sex— I was so eager for all these firsts to happen to me. I did not think about how much of an active player I had to be for all these things to happen. I suppose I let these things happen, but now I must face the consequences of what I have done. These rites of passage are not without trauma and pain. They seem to almost be a given for many people, me included. “First the worst” meant something far different from what I originally thought. They also say “save the best for last” and I suppose that also meant something different from what I expected.

[madmanlives]

2.17.16

I thought I wanted a hookup but I’m feeling so empty now. I wanted someone to love me but all I got was someone else’s happiness at the cost of mine. It’s been a day but I feel so anxious and I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t think I could ever have sex again.

[madmanlives]

4.9.15

With the phrase, "if you have to explain something for people to get it, it's probably not funny" is kind of totally BS to me. If people don't get it, it's probably because they aren't at all knowledgeable about what you're making the joke about and so the joke could very easily be funny but the humor is lost to those that are ignorant to it. Hearing something like, "I don't get it, so it's not funny" is meh. I guess if you don't know it's not funny to /you/ and I guess I'm just reminding myself that I am funny and that my energy should not be directed to those undeserving of my wit. But I'm not arrogant or anything. Oh no, not me.

[madmanlives]

Mad

Unable to think properly, my legs folded unnaturally against the hard floor, my trembling hands covering my scarlet tinged face. A throat closed with words that I cannot speak; eyes too busy, staring at nothing, to cry; a mind racing to the pits of hell and back; hands unable to even hold a grasp of reality - and why? What is the worth of a deceitful tongue? That of empty promises? Of mindless thoughts? Fake love? As much as I adore fuming over something so insignificant, it is far more useful to let go of the useless and to keep moving forward. Learn from these mistakes, but don't let them hold you back. Regret nothing, but forget nothing.

[madmanlives]

2.17.2015

Amy Winehouse’s song “Best Friends” is the perfect jam for me. It mixes my bitter resentment yet devoted affection towards my closest friends. So many times have tears escaped me while listening to it, as I reminisced upon all of the people that flew through my life, the experiences that we shared, and et cetera.

And the companions I chose to retain were kept for good reason. I keep forgetting why and how much I love those people until I talk to them again. Then it all floods back, like Hurricane Katrina. My love, my memories, my emotions - what a way to live and relive.

"But we’re best friends, right?"

P.S. I need more songs praising the best friends in my life, or generally purely platonic love. Can’t only have Amy doing it. “I’m so lucky I’m in love with my best friend” definitely does not count.

[madmanlives]

P.O.W.

The sunlight gently dances on my eyelids first thing in the morning. The cool crisp breeze caresses my face from the window I carelessly left open. The aroma of fresh dew bouncing off the emerald blades of grass wafts into my bedroom. My body sinks into the mattress that, like my mother, has always supported me these past seventeen years, and counting. As I begin to close my eyes, my body jolts in an alarmed state. My dogs have woken up to the sound of early birds, having decided to bark aggressively to alert the entire neighborhood that in fact there are birds in the proximity. They are now engaged in a high speed chase after the foolish sparrows that probably assumed the bare plum tree in my backyard was the ideal piece of real estate upon which to build their nest and spend the rest of their lives together. Unable to block out my dogs' makeshift Emergency Alert System warning, sans the rainstorm, I roll out of bed and stagger into the bathroom to accept my fate. I am a Prisoner of Woof.

[madmanlives]

1.2.2015

New Year's resolutions? Happiness, health, hard work, and hope. Honestly, are these even resolutions? Regardless, I have no time to mope around. Game face in position.

[madmanlives]

War in Flowers

What are you crying for? For those flowers Which once bloomed So vividly, Only to be reduced To a wilted, decaying stalk, Its last petal About to shrivel up and fall down? And every other flower Collected not A single drop of dew? What are you crying for? For those seeds That were buried Into the ground Ready to burst through Only to be Ripped from the soil Before they can develop? And every other flower Faulted the fruiting flower For not wanting To reproduce just yet. What are you crying for? For those flowers That had yet To bloom their brightest? Unable to withstand the weed killer And believing itself To be a weed, It ended its cycle early To be one less flower In the garden, Feeling only pain While being consumed Allowing itself to be consumed. And every other flower Pitied the flower Before taking its plot in the soil. What are you crying for? For the flower whose beauty Warranted its petals To be plucked Until it was naked Stripping it Of all value it initially had? And every other flower Faulted that flower For being Too naturally beautiful Whilst admiring Their now relative beauty. What are you crying for? For the flowers Who were uprooted And taken from their families To soil so foreign That it must learn To adapt to In order to survive. And the other flowers See that flower As alien, as foreign -- A weed That doesn't deserve The same water, The same sunlight, The same soil. Who do you cry for?

[madmanlives]

12.25.14

By the recommendation of several trusted 白朋友, I started watching “Arrested Development” on Netflix and I keeled over laughing from the first second. The satire is my level of mock ignorant humor. So sharp, so biting, I love it. More money, more problems is the lesson we can extract out of this mess of a family, dear God. I’m dashing through season one, let’s hope I don’t need sleep tonight.

[madmanlives]

SBF

Being out to only my closest friends brings some comfort, because I get to be more open and honest with them in regards to my feelings. I especially appreciate the straight boys in my life that push their touchiness to the point of emanating a homoerotic aura, without being serious. And I really enjoy it. It goes back to my being noncommittal, where I don't feel like getting caught up in a serious relationship. But I still like having someone to express affection to. I guess I perpetuate the "no homo" clause, despite being a "yes homo" myself. But I'm not harming anyone, am I? I really appreciate these guys because they're intelligent, genuinely pure hearted, and secure enough in their sexualities, enough so that they aren't weirded out that I have the possibility of being attracted to them. And of course I do not view them in a possibly romantic/sexual manner either. I don't eye my straight guy friends that way, but I still like to use them as models as for what I want in a potential partner. More likely to be male, my future partner will have to stack up to the amazingness that are my straight boys. And the tactile expressions of affection, i.e. butt slapping, hugging, lap sitting, hand holding, arm linking, (even facial kissing… but "no homo"), that I already do with them will probably be careless gestures of love that I will be too good at. I guess the point is that I want to keep my honest and platonic bromances going on with the heteros, because they make me happy. I don't believe in having only gay friends, even though having them would of course still be a good thing. But I need my straight boys, where I know my flirting isn't, in any way, going to lead to anything like being led on, or unrequited feelings. I didn't think I'd being saying this, but God bless heterosexual boys. My straight best friends are better than yours.

[madmanlives]

12.24.14

Wow, I procrastinated on this. Whelp, sorry guys. I have been pondering on the notion of love, partially because I feel as if I have yet to truly experience it. How do we define love? Unconditional? Able to withstand all? Through and through? When winds blow harsh, but it still manages to find its way back? Like an ant that follows the scent trail laid down by its compatriots? I've gotten to be an expert on platonic love, molding my life around friendships, whilst growing up and learning how to deal with myself and others. Maybe I throw around the word "love" too easily. Or perhaps I give out too much of it. I still got some learning to do. Have a safe holiday, everyone!

[madmanlives]

are you from socal or norcal?

Los Angeles is where?

[madmanlives]

Rain

Beads that strike the roads, the roofs, of course on me, This essence of life that runs clear, At a subtle rhythm dripping in harmony Unlike my usual bitter, heavy tears. Washed away of my previous preoccupations, I focus on what imminent danger Rises along with the inches of precipitation. I also like to watch out for creepy strangers. My footsteps follow the slightly flooded street To avoid the temporary miniature lakes. A vehicle carelessly splashes them to soak my feet. I ought to cut that asshole's brakes. I honestly love the rain, I hope it's here to stay, For for most of the year the land had been bone dry, But I rather not have a year's due worth of it paid out in a single day. That's how all my succulents are probably going to die.

[madmanlives]

12.2.2014

Casually going through the Tango app on my phone, the notification flag lit up for my attention. Apparently two guys out of the blue threw me some winks and messaged me in Spanish. I didn’t realize until now that Tango was used for flirting. Their profiles looked real, so it’s not like some seedy advertisement gimmick for sex hungry swingers. But I wasn’t meaning to be put out on the market. Also, how in hell did they find me? And why me? I guess I’m flattered, but in an unsettled kind of way. I downloaded Tango so that I could keep in contact (but I didn’t) with family members from anywhere in the world. Not for meeting strange men. Such is my life.

[madmanlives]

you write wonderfully. i know they're just personal musings... but even so.

Thank you! I really appreciate this, Anon!! :)This threw me into a lighter mood! (And dare I say, a writer mood!)

[madmanlives]

11.15.14

Is that Christmas music ringing in my ears? Or am I haunted by the memories of happier years? I want Thanksgiving music. Turkey Day snubbed again. That'll teach the Pilgrims.