Rantings of a Blue-Eyed Salty Dreamer

[madnessofadreamer]

Do you ever feel like you are nobody's favorite, and you are just... sort of existing?

[madnessofadreamer]

Been wanting to Geocache badly lately... but all I think about is you

[madnessofadreamer]

You were in my dream....now I miss you

[madnessofadreamer]

I really hate, when certain things happen, I still just want to tell you and talk to you about it. I still think about you from time to time especially when certain things pop up.

[madnessofadreamer]

One year ago the major chaos started and I'm in some sort of mental space. It has been a hard ass year, and it is exhausting.

[madnessofadreamer]

[madnessofadreamer]

You can say what you want about "standing up for yourself" but know.... "Trust is fragile, once it is broken it is difficult to repair "

[madnessofadreamer]

Not to sound bitter but, I hope hurting me haunts you for years.

[remanence-of-love]

[madnessofadreamer]

It is crazy how things happen when they do. I don't know if you will see this, but I also want to rant. I see you here. I hear you here, I haven't shut you out here. Today I got into a place where i didn't want to be because of everything that happened. I realize i never told you how I feel about everything. I am heart broken. You were supposed to be my best friend and you shared the moat important detail of my life that they should not have known. I can never forgive for that. I miss you so much, I also miss my "best friend". Things happen and I want to tell you, but you aren't there. I know I chose for you not to be there, but it doesn't hurt less. I want to talk to you, tell you anything and everything. I hope you see this and know, I have been thinking of you, and I miss you.

[madnessofadreamer]

What have we become? What did I do? Where are you my friend? This doesn't feel the same.

[madnessofadreamer]

My friend.... If you see this.... I miss you terribly. I tell people I'm fine, but a kick from a show shows me I'm not.

[madnessofadreamer]

I cannot do this anymore. Maybe one day you will finally see what you are doing to me. You are pushing me away. I am finally happy and feel like myself, but because of my lifestyle it isn't good enough for you; it isn't what you want for me. Why does that matter? It is MY life, not yours. Can't you just be there for me like family should? I guess not, you just have to criticize me and just make it about you guys, and do not realize what you are doing to me. Hopefully one of these days you realize what you are doing. But in your eyes it is me in the wrong, and you have done nothing; that I am the bad guy. I am not the enemy, or the bad guy. I am hurt! Why can't you see why? Oh right, you are stuck in your little world where it is you guys, and that seems to be all that matters. I am an adult m, and I wish you would treat me like that. I have feelings too, but they don't seem to matter. I don't know what has happened to you, you are not the same. I love you so much, and I thought you loved me as I am, but since her all you focus on is your religion, and what " I'm doing to you". What has she done to your mind? Why can't you see it? We were finally getting to a good spot in our relationship, and then it is like we took a million steps back, and it is killing me.

[madnessofadreamer]

I don't know why, but right now... I do not fe okay

[madnessofadreamer]

I have watched a lot of episodes of the TV show Catfish, but I never thought my life would end up being a Catfish episode

[madnessofadreamer]

I'm not okay... What the really fucking hell

[madnessofadreamer]

This is so stupid. What the heck do you think you are doing? All you are is running away from everything, all your problems, all the people who care about you and have always been there for you. I'm worried sick about you and I hate that feeling. You need to grow up. You need to actually think clearly about what you are doing . How do you not see how unsafe and dangerous this is? I guess you don't fucking care what we think. I'm done then. All I feel about this is cold and like I don't give a fuck because I just worry about you with this stupid situation. That doesn't matter though. We dont matter, us people who care about you and you well being. All you are is just running from us. I guess this is goodbye then.