Life & Times Of A Depressive Mind

[maelyca]

12/4/21

I am an extremely broken person. I didn’t realize all the pain and trauma I felt from childhood, which is a whole other can of worms for another day.

Today, right now, I feel…lost, confused, jealousy, hurt, numb, nothing. I want to disappear. But I really do just want to be found. I want someone to validate my pain. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me while I fuckin sob. I have no idea how to let go of all this hurt and suffering in my heart. I just want to be loved. To feel safe. To be a priority in someone’s fucking life. Is that really too much to ask?? I’m so angry. Angry at the way I felt during childhood because it stole a good childhood away from me. Angry that I can’t find a good outlet for my anger. The punching bag is a good idea, but…I don’t even know.

[maelyca]

I finally did it!!

I did it. I finally did it. It took eight long years after the first red flags showed up for me to do it. I’m not enthused with how I went about it, but I finally had enough and put my foot down.

Fourteen years ago I met my now ex-husband. He was the bees knees. We were engaged after six weeks, and married just over a year after we first met. He was a narcissist and mentally abused me. He convinced me that an open marriage would benefit us both. The catch was that I was only allowed to sleep with girls. I was attracted to girls at that time, sure, but not fully confident in my sexuality. I was not enthused about that since he seemed to be bedding a few different girls while we were together. I did end up sleeping with a guy during that time. I told my husband that I wanted to stop. I’m pretty sure he did not. I was mentally checked out of the marriage after four years. I had a talk with my dad and decided I should try to keep my marriage going. (I did not tell my father about the intimate details of the marriage because that was the least of the problems by that point.). Two months later I met Todd and he was my hero! He showed me how a woman should be treated. He made me feel beautiful and special. I kicked my husband out about a month and a half later. The marriage was officially over. I was not planning on getting into a relationship with Todd. He was just a guy I was messing around with. Well, he snagged me in and off we went. It was immediate love for the man I thought was showing me what it really meant to be loved. The red flags started immediately but I brushed them off because “he was doing it out of love!” Wrong answer!!

This is my journey.

[maelyca]

I am super excited for today! It’s supposed to be a beautiful day with a high of 66° ☀️ — which is great compared to the snow we had a couple days ago ❄️😵 I’ve got errands to run and am meeting a friend for brunch a little later. I woke up way too early, so I’m watching Bridesmaids (one of the funniest movies ever) while drinking a cotton candy Bang energy drink. Exciting life, I know 🥱

I really want to start journaling again to get stuff off my chest (and sometimes just to ramble, I suppose), but since writing tends to hurt my hand, I’d like to try blogging. My only fear is that I’ll come off as complain-y if I’m venting. I definitely don’t want that to happen. After the recent situations at work I’m hesitant to open up to a lot of people there. Plus, more coworkers are annoying me these days, and I have no idea who I can trust anymore. I am honestly not sure I can trust even some of the people I thought I could. I hope I learn some lessons from this — watch what you say on social media (so this blogging stuff should be really entertaining since no one knows it’s me…yet), don’t add coworkers to your social media, and don’t open up to coworkers like I tend to do. Coworkers are not friends. I totally broke my rule on that when I started my current job 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I’m also hesitant to open up to my boyfriend because he can be a total dick sometimes. He has very strong opinions on almost everything, and he likes to let you know what they are. I don’t feel I can talk to him about my current job because he worked for the same company for a couple months and it did not end well so he doesn’t have a high opinion of the company as a whole. I just want to come home sometimes, vent about my day a little bit and move on. He likes to focus on the subject, rip it apart, put it back together his way then tell me why it’ll work better. It’s no wonder I’m having more anxiety and depression lately 🥺 But I digress. I’ll save that for another post when I come up with a new name so no one knows it’s me 😉

I miss typing, too. Since I left the call center almost three years ago, I barely have a need to type anything more than my ID number and password at work. I’m typing on my iPad right now, and it’s not as easy as I thought it’d be lol My fingers are already cramping up. I may have to get one of those fancy keyboards that attaches. Or maybe just get a frickin laptop and save myself the trouble 🙄🙄

Writing again feels good. Getting my thoughts out feels amazing. Idk if anyone will ever even read this or if it will get sucked into the black hole of the interwebs, but it feels like such a release of pressure in my mind. Hopefully, this will help me become a bit of a better writer. I’m still a little dusty on my punctuation, but I’ll make it work. Honestly, I don’t even know what’s acceptable these days - one space or two after the end of a sentence?!?! I’ll probably do both because I’ll go on tangents and not pay any attention whatsoever 🤷‍♀️ Do people even use commas anymore?! I have a small grammar book somewhere. I may have to dig that bad boy up lol

Writing my thoughts will most likely help, too, instead of doing video rants. Here, I can proofread and stop myself from sounding like an idiot or an asshole (I hope!), where as in videos I talk to fast and get confused, or just plain forget what I was talking about. Here, I can backspace and delete before a thought gets put out there; videos don’t let me do that.

I’m going to end this, so I can get back to my movie before brunch. Today is going to be a good day 😎

Do good. Be good. Pay it forward.

[maelyca]

I haven’t written poetry or anything that I’ve really been happy with in quite a while.  I’ve been so angry, anxious, and stressed out the last two weeks that I can’t help but want to write now. This may be jumbled.  This may run together.  I don’t care today.  I want to write all my feelings out of me.  All of this rage.  All of this sadness.  All of this SHIT!!  I want it out of my fuckin head. My mid feels torn in two almost constantly.  How can you feel such elation, yet such sadness at the same time? I wish, I wish, I wish.  My brain is so full of words, emotions, sounds, yet my body feels so tired and wants to go mindlessly watch something stupid on Netflix.  Something where I can get lost in another place, so I don’t have to be here and remember all that is going on.  That’s why I love to read.  It helps me escape this shitty place that I’m in and gets my mind off my existance. I want to write so that others can see my words and it strikes a cord with them.  I don’t know that I will ever get that chance.  My heart hurts so much right now.  When I was a teenager I used all that pain to write great poems (well, to me at least). I wish I still could.  I can’t seem to get anything toether that makes sense or looks good in my mind.  Poetry isn’t really supposed to make much sense, though, is it? I guess it does and it doesn’t. I might just have to type some of my poems and get inspired from those. The want is there but the motivation is not.  My wrist already hurts from typing.  Thanks goodness for computers because there is no way that I could write this without screaming in pain. I hope I live to see tomorrow.

[perlerbeads]

Crafty chicks are hot

[maelyca]

A dream that shook me

I just woke up from another dream where I was in Southern IL again. I don’t recall the specifics, but one part shook me very badly. I remember thinking, “I’ll just move back down here with my ex, & if I’m not happy I’ll just kill myself. I’ll be far enough away from family that it won’t matter.” WTF?!?!? I don’t recall ever thinking about suicide while dreaming. I know I was feeling sad & rejected in the dream. I was leaning my head on Jeans’ shoulder & crying. I woke up soon after feeling in a funk.

The dream reminded me of a poem I wrote about suicide. It’s also my shortest poem, titled Suicide.

I thought.

I tried.

I died.

8/10/18 6:45am

[maelyca]

💚 This is why I do what I do:

This morning I woke up to the following message from a very good friend, and it completely wiped away all doubt I have about sharing who I am on here - the good or the bad. Sometimes I question whether or not I should post things on here about when I’m having a ‘suicidal thoughts’ moment or my depression and anxiety are causing me problems because I don’t want people to think I need attention or pity, or that I’m having a woe-is-me party.

I wanted to share with you a little of what my friend said (sharing with their permission), and a picture they sent to me, also. This person was getting ready for a trip & was struggling a bit with their anxiety: “I had a bit of a breakdown and my mind was going a million miles a minute. I was feeling so dumb and stupid and worthless. Like what sort of [parent] am I to be this way about something ‘fun’ that everyone was so excited about. So while I was losing it in the shower, I just thought about you and how maybe I should call you because I knew you’d “get it”. ... But I wanted to tell you because what you do when you share your experiences with us, is make us feel not alone. Like we aren’t the only ones going through this dumb frustrating shit and making it easier to step up and talk about it too. So thank you for being you and being awesome. I’m so thankful for you!!!!!”

8/9/18

[maelyca]

{untitled}

Staring out my window

Wondering where did I go wrong?

The devil is in my head

Trying to convince me of his lies

I feel so lost in this world

So tired

So afraid

The pain inside is clawing and biting

Trying to get out of my head

I try to sleep to shut it up

But it grows louder

And louder

AND LOUDER

I want to give up

I want to die

I want this pain to end

I need to forge on

I need to live

I need my light to shine bright

With God as my strength,

Family & friends by my side

I know I’ll survive

It’s those in between moments

That keep me alive

8/8/18 jlm

[maelyca]

It’s been a rough morning

Here’s a glimpse into what my depression and anxiety (D/A) does to me & my thoughts:

A lightbulb in my room went out. Not a big deal. Until I think about how long the bulb is supposed to last (one of the spiral ones that should last forever). Then I think about how my house’s electrical wiring is fucked up, & how the previous homeowners had ceiling fans on dimmer switches. Which then leads my brain to “why the fuck did I get conned into buying this p.o.s. in the first place?” to “My house is going to burn down from bad wiring.” Then proceeds to, “I don’t have money to fix my house up.” After all is said and done, my brain convinced me I’m a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve happiness for all the crap I’ve done in my life. This then opens my brain up to accept all the fkn bullshit lies it tells me. ****I know they’re lies. I know I’m not worthless. These are the reasons I’m still alive - because I know my brain is lying to me.**** I can’t turn it off. I can’t stop it. All I want to do is sleep so the noise stops, but when I close my eyes the noise gets so fkn loud & I feel like I’m going insane. All this leads to my D/A trying to convince me to kill myself because I’m wasted space. (I know none of these thoughts are true. I’m simply being open & honest about my struggles. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I don’t need it reiterated that I’m loved. I know all this. It’s a matter of me not believing what D/A is telling me. And most days I don’t believe it.)

This happens a lot with my D/A. It’s not fun. It’s not the life I want to live. And not having a job isn’t helping because my D/A has an even bigger reason, an even louder voice, and an even bigger span of time to fuck with me.

8/8/18