Harry Potter characters as John Mulaney Quotes
Harry: You know those days where you’re like, this might as well happen?
Ron: I always thought quick sand was a MUCH bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Hermione: I don’t care for these new nazis and you may quote me on that.
McGonagall: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
Draco: I hear what you’re saying, and I ALSO don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.
Blaise: hi, I’m very gay and I’d like a few dollars.
Ginny: I know all of that, how do YOU know all that?
Luna: why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken!
Pansy: The bar is SO much lower than I’d EVER imagined.
Dumbledore: and then I said “no,” you know, like a liar.
Snape: 🎵and life is a fucking nightmare🎵
Voldemort: YOU’RE NEVER GONNA GET THAT BEST BUY REWARDS CARD!
Neville: and I’m like “hey! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!”
Sirius: Eat ass suck a dick and sell drug!
Lavender and Parvati: anyway, this is a long winded way of saying that we bought a stroller for our dog.
Remus: instead they see a healthy 28 year old man trying his best.
Fred and George: god I guess they’re finally gonna kill us all- all right. This is younger than I thought, but we are pretty big assholes.
Bellatrix: I used to smoke crack!
Tonks: THAT’S why teachers show videos?!
Fleur: Everybody get out of my way! I just wanna sit here and feed my birds!
Percy: you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and have no outlet for it.
Bill: I quit drinking because I used to black out and would “ruin parties.”
Cedric: Top three colleges? I thought I’d be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the tail light by now.
Viktor Krum: I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and one day I’ll die.
Cho: sometimes babies will point at me, and I do not care for that shit at all.
Molly: get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.
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