concept: a weekly podcast where loki talks about what’s been going on around Asgard and correctly recounts old quests they went on when younger and whatever wack sci-fi thing thor has gotten involved in now
I didn’t know I needed this. Thanks for proving otherwise. This here is literal gold and I need more of it, please.
Thanks for asking nicely :)
- The Avengers start tuning in because firstly how did Loki get an inter-realm channel and secondly why is he not acting like a psychopath?? something is definitely up with that
- They start to realise that Asgard is… not just Thor, but an entire planet filled with dense jock-like idiots
- They actually like the show… Loki is funny and he insults people so causally and you cant even argue because he’s just spilling the truth
- “Dear Diary, today Odin trashed another of my mic sets for ‘trying to make asgard look bad’ and then he went on to trash the rest of my oh-so-generously given prison cell after I told him that it took no trying from my part and asgard makes itself look bad without my assistance. On the plus side I can say I’ve socialised this week!”
- Loki has always been a chill person he just had a rough year and it shows
- Loki: oh and before this week’s showtime is up i’d like to say happy birthday to clint baRTON, the one and only haWK-EYE, bLACK widow, RuSSIAN sPY, nick fuRY, here we go, EVeryoNE ASSEMBLE! *ahem* So that’s this week finished, see y’all next week. That’s all folks.
- Clint: what. the. &*#^. was. that. about.
- when loki gives out tea across all the realms he also gives the avengers hints on their enemies inbetween bashing thor for his ‘painful attempts at embracing anything that will pass as fashion anywhere’ by wearing socks over his boots.
- Loki might not be able to tell his family face to face that he’s been tortured but he’ll let jokes about it slip on the podcast and the Avengers start to figure things out
- “Story time! I got 50 lashes for talking about how Heimdall was having ‘performance issues’ last episode and believe me when I say that directing a smile at Odin through it reminded me of the time Lorelei and I totalled a bunch of lashes for pointing out that the dwarf contractual wages were unfairly low and that the dwarves don’t even read the same language so they couldn’t legally agree to what was written. Naturally, since I’m so kind, I asked to receive Lorelei’s punishment as well as my own since it was my fault for speaking out, but thanks to Thor’s intrusion the total was pulled down from ten times that amount to 10 lashes so it wasn’t even that bad, although I think it hurt for a few weeks that time since I was still learning to heal? Good times, good times, and being able to look the NillFather in the eyes without crying out this time almost made me grateful for the good ol’ chitauri days, but don’t tell them I said that. Taking my laughable recent punishment into account I would like to update you all on the recovery of Heimdall’s potent gaze and rank him at half mast - metaphorically speaking of course - I would never be so crude as to imply anything about dearest beloved Heimdall, watcher of all at all times even when they’re bathing and sleeping and planning to attack Ljosalfgard tomorrow night and blowing up a train car on the Eastern Parkway Line in the spandex Captain’s city. Nope. No serree. Not me. I could never. I completely support what Heimdall does and see no breeches of privacy there at all.”
- Loki accepts live calls on occasion and 90% of the time the calls are from Asgardians because he enjoys pointing out their hypocrisies. Often, Loki takes their abusive language and calmly replies each time until they hang up. Sometimes he’ll hang up himself and say he’s “not in the mood for that today” or “that does not spark joy” and takes a different call.
- “You claimed that Sif and the Warriors 3 only receive the fame they do because of their association with Thor” “well, that is the only difference between the Idiots 3 and every other individual with training, since they otherwise would work as guards. I guess if you could divulge the names of three palace guards I will owe you an apology” “why would I know about who random guards are?!” “Can you name the Warriors 3?” “Of course!” “Do regular guards get sent on missions and quests?” “Yes” “Do regular guards return successfully?” “For the most part” “Do you see the blatant nepotism in Thor’s friends gaining popularity and renown and ‘earning’ better than regular wages despite only technically working on occasions where Thor decides him and his merry band of sheep want to slay a beast or find some treasure?” “You haven’t answered the question!!” “I am answering it. I did not claim anything, these are facts and I said nothing wrong.” “You’ll always be a liar!” “Thank you for that enlightening conversation, Karen, I hope we speak again in the future, once you have reconsidered, or perhaps purchased your first, thinking process.”
- He especially enjoys using odin as an example of someone who has enforced the idea of ‘aesir superiority’ and contributed to the reasons that “none of the other realms have this problem! its literally just asgard that ostracizes itself from Yggdrasil and the rest of the universe, which makes sense i guess since if you don’t assume we’re above other planet it suddenly it turns out we’ve been dehumanising literally every other realm which we felt like conquering”. He dedicates an entire episode solely to point out how Asgard has been stuffing falsities down everyone’s throats. (the Asgardians focus on the phrase ‘down your throats’ and now Loki gets homophobic hate because that’s how Asgard is).
- After someone (affiliated with one of the Warriors 3?) starts grinding him about how he can support creatures as vile as the frost giants he argues about how he could not give his own culture a chance and that when he did he discovered that the little information Asgard spreads is obvious propaganda and lies (of course they don’t eat Asgardian children Barbara I think the ever-vigilant Heimdall would’ve mentioned if the other realms had harnessed realm-jumping technology) (contrary to popular belief the residents of jotunheim, just like every other prime species on our world tree, is bipedal, I don’t know who told you they crawl around on all fours and pleasure themselves through cannibalism Bob but I promise I’ve never had the sudden urge to drag myself around, and will be sure to get back to you about the not being tempted to eat myself part in a few centuries considering I’m stuck in isolation for the next few thousand years. Or at least, I’m supposed to be, I think. It gets hard to tell if I’m allowed to walk out of my cell or not with how lousy the security in this place is.)
- From then most of the Asgardian callers are just there to yell obscenities and point out Loki’s heritage. He deals with the racism pretty well and calls Asgard out on it and their sexism all the time.
- Asgard looks worse to the Avengers every week
- since the show goes over every realm (thanks to Loki and his World Tree dimensional-space magic) it also extends to Helheim, a realm where getting signal is extremely difficult, but because its Loki, his channel works perfectly. Hela literally lets Loki’s deaths slide because he’s her favourite podcaster and she’d hate the only decent show that actually gets to Helheim to stop.
- “Welcome to this week with me, your host, the self-proclaimed Sassguardian of the Galaxy, Loki, and yes, I did officially get the rights for the name processed a long time ago, before you appeared in a galaxy far far away, so please, Mr. Quill, refrain from trying to sue me again, I don’t know what I would do with more credits from you while stuck in prison but I do know what I would tell your sweet green space gal about in retaliation if you do, okay Peter? Now, onto the weather.”
- “holy #^$& did he just imply he was unsuccessfully sued by and then threaten Peter Quill, that Missouri kid who went missing decades ago?!”
- “forget that! did he just make a star wars reference?!”
- “Asgard is always sunny, unless our resident Thunderstormer gets turned down by a fair maiden or he cant win an argument through incomprehensible yelling, so when I tell you that it has been raining for 2 days straight after a visit from a delegation from alfheim, consisting of fourteen members, all of whom are wonderful women who are married just for the record, was cut short by their sudden departure and resulted in strained Alfheim-Asgard relationships, that I didn’t even need to ask if Thor was involved and if he had tried anything.”
- “Thor thinks he’s subtle after suddenly deciding to put together a new peace treaty with Jotunheim, as if he isn’t doing it only to get on my nice side so I stop telling everyone things like how he gets an embarrassing rash if you feed him pine nuts. As if he isn’t extending an olive branch to the ice realm years after the causing incident, and he wasn’t the one to start the war with his foolishness to begin with. He’s not doing it because he wanted to or because he’s gained a newfound worth in the frost giants, no, he’s helping the damaged realm become more secure from the sole threat of Asgard with a treaty because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. And here I was thinking that to be a hero a sense of selflessness and helping others for the sake of it were prerequisites.”
- Thor thinks he was real sneaky when he went questing to Jotunheim despite the new peace treaty and didn’t get caught, but he’ll never be as sneaky as me taking enough leaves from the Forbidden Vine of Eparg in Asgard’s vault to create a solution to our local Malcolm Keith’s situation. For those wondering, yes, Malekith did incorrectly corrupt a spell meant to engulf all the worlds in eternal darkness, again, and now 3/4s of Svartalfheim are covered in tentacles - and not the fun kind. Luckily for Mr. Accursed I find the situation entertaining enough to solve at the meagre price of a few hilarious and compromising photos.”
- “LOKI STOLE FROM FATHERS VAULT?!” “dude he takes stuff from there all the time, don’t you pay attention to the podcast?” “Asgard does not indulge his interests in the womanly arts” “wait did you just imply that hosting a podcast is frowned upon” “the twisting of words and actions is wrong and serpentine behaviour, and while my brother has always been unconventional I do not doubt his fancy in this ‘podcast’ will fade over time” “idk he seems to be enjoying hosting as much as we enjoy listening”
- “Story time!! About half a millennium ago Thor and the rest of Asgard refused to believe that Amora and I defeated a Gold-Class level dragon that was terrorising the folks in Vanaheim, but obviously we did, and obviously that didn’t stop me from getting branded a liar here in Mighty Fine Asgard, but that’s not the important part the important part is that the capital invited me to their di-millennial celebration and it was wonderful and I want to thank them for hosting both me and Amora, because we’re both grateful you even remember that! Also, Thor set out on a hunt for a Silver-Class level dragon and is claiming it as the highest class of dragon a band of 4 has ever taken down. I’m busy in prison and cant correct him but if anyone in Nifleheim notices him chasing a vengeful frost dragon be sure to wave him down and remind him. If you have the time also bring up the fact that saying ‘band of 4′ still puts them in the ‘5 or less’ category so pointing out that I’m not there is… pointless as well as foolish as he is reminding everyone that his team has no magic users and they’re susceptible to attacks. It’d be a real shame if someone took advantage of that. Really it would be.”
- “what do you mean Loki has relations in Muspelheim and Vanaheim! Asgard hasn’t managed to communicate with them without being threatened of war for centuries now!!”
- “you guys ever notice that Loki let slip about being tortured but hasn’t mentioned anything about friends he’s close with?” “omg do you think Mr. Loki has no friends” “he probably just doesn’t want any of them to get involved considering the nature of the show… and that he’s technically in prison” “maybe, but the only time he ever mentions anyone visiting his cell is when they’re trashing his mic setup and you’d think he’d let a joke or reference to who he travels around with or meets for fun at some point through”
- The Avengers go to asgard to investigate since Loki doesn’t talk like he’s being punished on Asgard and they get first hand exposure to the misogynistic racist dumb society that it is
- Loki sarcastically using Midgardian slang when they go check on him in prison
- ‘’you’re in a cell’’ ‘’oh you noticed’’ ‘’how are you hosting a news show from here if you cant leave and have no sources to tell you what’s going on” ”I’m great at guessing” “last week you said you were able to just walk out of prison” “hey don’t go around exposing Asgard’s inability to hold me it might make people think this realm isn’t the epitome of perfection”
- The Avengers try standing up for things they believe in (eg. Tony insists science is a men’s field too, Natasha says if men bring weapons to the table so will she and she will use them on men who try to try anything, Bruce argues that he prefers studying science over the brute violence of the Hulk and how he hates taking lives, Clint objects to child abuse even if its Loki being discussed, Steve defends the science men and insists that reading books doesn’t make you a homosexual, he also doesn’t like how they treat their mortal guests so disrespectfully ‘because all life should be valued’ etc.) and they all get thrown into Asgardian prison.
- “Welcome to Sassguardian of the Galaxy-” “I can’t believe you put the word sass in there and its a pun” “hey, someone has to make up for the lack of intelligence the rest of Asgard displays- anyways, today I’m hosting from my cell where The Avengers have found themselves thrown in for what I am 99.95% sure are ludicrous crimes, most likely involving speaking out of turn or expressing a personal opinion. I’m going to let them take turns co-host-ing because they’ve been thrown in here with me, probably to make their punishment… worse? But jokes on the Y’allFather because I thrive off disappointing him-” “And after meeting One-Patch I cant even blame you for that”
- Loki normally can only get one visitor at a time and obviously no one from other realms are allowed to visit him, but after the Avengers drop by people start coming from other realms and getting thrown into prison on purpose just to meet Loki and chat, maybe ask for help with things, maybe to ask questions, maybe to thank him for something, etc.
- Loki was forced into starting a podcast so people wouldn’t have to listen to him and then he was forced to attack Earth and then Loki was forced into prison and Loki hates being forced to do things so he turns the tables and changes the game and even though he didn’t have a choice he goes ahead and thrives
- Hi welcome back to Asgardian of the Galaxy I’m your host and local menace Loki and today we’re going to be talking about how NOT to raise your child. Step 1: make sure they dont go hitting everything thats a problem with their magic hammer because one day he’ll end up trying to destroy a containment unit of a magical artefact that turns all who try to stop it to stone. On a completely unrelated note I now have a life-sized set of garden statues of Thor and the Idiots 3 and half of Asgard’s army up for auction on etsy. No this does not mean Asgard is weaker and you should attack Helbindi, because the artefact teleports around and likes to target anyone making the smallest noise - even so much as breathing. No, concealing your sound with magic will not help you. You may be wondering how I’m able to talk aloud if this is such a big threat: the secret is it likes me. Of course it does. The artefact is blue and cubic and glows so of course it likes me. Don’t tell Asgard that though because they’re going to waste another third of their army before considering me, the expert on glowy blue magic artefacts, as someone who can help.
- I’m too busy to help Asgard out with the latest Amora scandal so I’m just going to reiterate what I’ve said before: no Amora does not want to date you, yes she does want to add you to her mind-numbing in-love army of zombie creatures.
- Today we have a guest star from Midgard who is one of my six local cell-residents, ya know, one of those people that didnt notice my plan to attack their realm was super super flawed and i was rigging it while acting under mind control, so anyways, his name is Clint Barton and apparently his colleagues recognised the mind control on him when Thor couldn’t recognise it on me
- [BEEP] [BEEP] Loki! I cant believe you [BEEEEEP] run a podcast from your [BEEEP] [BEEP] cell! And you [BEEP] do it in pink [BEEEEEEP] pants! What the [BEEP] how are you more [BEEEEEEP] chill than your [BEEEP] brick wall of a [BEEEEEEP] brother and [BEEEEEP] [BEEP] [BEEEEEEP] of a father?!
- “Stark, I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, this show is rated S for Stop [BEEEEEEP] Swearing or you’re off the next rotation. This show is safe for kids and encourages children seeking knowledge and socialising in equal measure. Life is all about balance.” “That was actually pretty solid life advice. I’m impressed” “I can give out good advice if I want. And now, the leather: where I run you guys through how I fixed the sleeves of…”
- Is one warning about Amora not enough?? Am I going to have to remind y’all at the start of every single episode to stop underestimating her??
- “Today we’ve got Muspelheim in the hot seat after Sindr has overthrown her father for the throne. I’d ask her how life on the throne is for her but I’m pretty sure she’s still getting her seat commissioned because Surtr was, like, 100+ metres tall when he wanted to be”
- If director Fury is tuned in I want him to know that his team has not been prepared to share a bed amongst them and that’s a major flaw in SHIELD training which I would be suing the company for if not for Article 17 under the SHIELD Guideline Code which restricts aliens from filing law suits; which, just for the record, is racist.
- “Loki is spilling our realm’s secrets! He can’t keep divulging information to hostile realms! What if they use it against us!”
- “I want the AllFather to know that his Saturday Nightly Facial Regime is not a state secret and that literally no one is going to use the hour after 6 when he is laying flat with his eyes closed to attack the realm”
- “Thor has requested to guest star on the show tonight lads so I hope you’re ready to hear some grade-A hypocrisy as he tries to explain why dragging me out of my cell and throwing me chained up into Asgard’s ocean as bait was the only way to lure out the cthulhu-looking thing he decided to let live there!”
- So Lorelei and I were totally checking out Midgard for decent eyeliner when we came across none other than the Queen of Nornheim - which is totally normal just for the record, you do you and all that and she’s definitely got the gothic look working out for her - and then, as one does, her eyes started glowing green and she told the prophecy of how a child of 6 realms would be the AllFather’s downfall, and idk about you guys but I’ve technically got claims to like 4 realms, so if anyone out there is connected to 2 more and wants to get married just to kick Odin off the throne hmu
- “Update on the Amora situation: Fandral got together with her and was genuinely surprised when tracing a finger over his skin was part of the spell to add him to her mind-controlled zombie army”
- “I’d like to congratulate Sif for being the first person not to fall head over heels for Amora, but I guess the spell doesnt work on Thor or anyone already in love with him…. amorapleasedontkillmeforsayingthatyouknowimtoocutetokill”
- Story Time!!! A rogue pirate princess got thrown into my neighbouring cell and then broke the wall in between with a jack hammer just so she could propose to me and I was really flattered but having a gorgeous lady break into my cell asking to marry me while I had 13 copies of me around the room recreating The Last Supper and pointing out the homoerotic subtext was not how I expected this to happen
- “Did I mention Odin forgot I’m stuffed in the same cell as the avengers? or that he didn’t even give me an extra bed? Because I’d like to thank him for my getting to watch the 5 of them squabble over sleeping positions every single afternoon. Sure, I’ve been sleeping on this weird-shaped couch since before they joined me so it doesn’t directly concern me, but I’m sure at some point Natasha will decide that as the only female here she should get the couch and I don’t want to think about what will happen after that”
- “Weekly Update on Asgard: The place is still trash. Odin still refuses to talk about how he ‘conquered’ the realms and how he’s ‘maintaining the peace’, but I’m starting to suspect it has something to do with him killing lots of people with a secret eldest child with a penchant for green and black and huge swords… this is just a random theory until I get proof but if anyone has any feel free to submit because here on this show we work towards uncovering the truth of how bad asgard is because it is very very bad and I feel like everyone should know this.“
- “dont tell thor but I started replacing his cape with our mother’s drapery centuries ago and he still hasnt noticed.”
- “Sup everyone. So. The Avengers got to go home, hooray! I love having some privacy around here. I should probably apologize for getting their hopes up on my beheading which took place before they left though… yeah no Hela simply sent me back. Thank you Hela. I love you too.”
- “HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT HELA?!” “father who are you talking about?” “HOW DOES HE KNOW ABOUT HER?????”
- “update on the wicked cool space pirate: her name is Sigyn and I think i’m in love. might have to accept her proposal on sheer principle. ”
- “Another day, another attempt to turn the universe dark again. Seriously Malekith, just get yourself some shades. Same effect I promise.”
- “The Song of Alfheimr is a must-read. I cannot stress enough how well written this book is. It also explores the legend of the realm’s founding in a symbolic AND literal way with an added plausible theory on the Nexi’s formation running through the lands, a definite 9/10 from me on that one. Much more insightful than The History of Alfheim which is Asgard’s preferred reading when teaching of the realms.”
- Caller: You are not my prince. You will never be a true Asgardian prince. TReacherous fiend!!!“
Loki: Hm. Actually I think you may be right. Princess it is, then. I’ve been feeling like I should mix things up a little anyway. Thank you for the advice!
- “Amora i am begging you to get Odin to marry you. You were so close yesterday. PLEASE try again. that was hilarious.”
- “Thor uses an axe now! I’m not sure what happened to the hammer but my personal theory is he got drunk and partied hard and left it somewhere and is too hungover to remember it can be summoned to his hand.”
- “No, the mis-sommarind festival is not a good time to stage a coup. Yes, Asgard will be vulnerable to attack on the di-double moon.”
- “LORELEI IS BACK GUYS!!! She’s in a cell a bit further down and when we yell we can talk !!! :D!!! Asgard is SO lousy with security !!! I would like to personally thank Odin for letting me speak to an old friend again. :) ”
- “Ok so Lorelei’s been moved far FAR away from me as I had hoped bc mind magic freaks me out now. Thanks for that Maw. Yes I know you’re tuning in too. I’m not an idiot.”
- [Thanos calls in]
Loki: Hi! What can I do for you dear caller of mine? :)
Thanos: You–
Loki: *hangs up*
Loki: so we’ll be skipping that segment today and replacing it with another quick run-through of the world wide wonders of the gender spectrum.
- “If anyone wants a dragon scale Amora and I went out and collected 2. Near-mint condition they’re freshly plucked and one’s aquamarine while the other is gold-stained. Payment will only be accepted by pledging undying fidelity to Amora and joining her army of simps or by airdropping me pictures of all the Midgardian Avengers getting wedgies. Yes, Peter Parker, as a non-member you are allowed to attempt this. As are Sindr’s spies currently keeping an eye on the realm. Go crazy. Have fun. Malekith I’m not having a great afternoon so if you fail another darkness spell I will NOT be available to help for… at least 3 days. I think.”
- “Queen Freya, congratulations on your wedding! May you live happily alongside your chosen companion. The dessert was sublime.”
“He’s met the Vanir queen???”
“Queen Freya got married???”
“It wasn’t political???”
“We missed out on desserts???”
“LOOOOOOKKKIIIIIIIIII!!!”
- “…and then that was when Tyr, alleged master tactician, head of the army, had gotten the recruits to charge in. you know, like a fool. anyway, I had veiled everyone in smoke and we got out alive, but Tyr’s arm unfortunately was lost. i’d call it a shame the wolf got to him but Fenrir had never been hostile and everyone knows that’s his cave specifically so…. yeah. A bit of chomp chomp bite kill was warranted.”
- “Dear diary, this week Odin gave another speech on how Thor would rule the realms mightily. Shifting through the propaganda gets tiring, but the lack of pillaging plundering and slavery in the history section of the speech was duly noted. When will Daddy Dear learn not to lie :(”
- “Frigga. Frigga please. Now is NOT the time to visit your sister. It’s been centuries since you tried speaking to her. And now that she’s married you’re turning up? You’re not even being subtle. Tsk tsk.”
- “so Sigyn and I have decided to eventually get married if our friendship goes well and we shall do it with the Tesseract technically qualifying as a witness in accordance with Asgardian law. She’s back to space-pirate-ing for now tho. And is super cute. If you ever see her out in the wild be sure to kneel, and grovelling surely wouldn’t be amiss. Hopefully I’ll legally be out of prison soon enough. Can’t wait for Odin to be overthrown lmao.”
- “Cloudy over Asgard, someone should check up on Thor, hopefully the acidic rain over Muspelheim will cease by next week, Jotunheim and Nifleheim shouldn’t experience any change but a band of Light Elves are experimenting with weather alteration so expect Things in both Alf and Svartalf areas. Midgard continues to be far too diverse for it’s own good so I’m not going to try. hmmm. If i had to guess I would assume a light asteroid shower in Nidavellir some time tomorrow.”
