Mark’s Maktub

Writing thoughts into reality.

[maguirre]

November Höhepunkt Urbana-Champaign: it was so surreal to see the university, with all the new construction since…2010. And a football game. Lord knows I don’t know anything about the sport. This year of adjusting back to American life feels living in a wholly different culture. __________ #reset2022 #usa (à Chapaign/Urbana, IL) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClxKN7KoiuzxtyZET_bbtJ2zSqA1VVoWy5-lxk0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Oktober Höhepunkten Lisboa, Fatima, Porto, Darmstadt, Heidelberg _________ #reset2022 #portugal #deutschland (à Lisboa, Portugal) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClxHAHJIDifi1p3ylXvgxSU259lTyJnfFNSt700/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Oktober Höhepunkt Mark Aguirre, MSc. International Cooperation in Urban Development Darmstadt: it took 4 years, mainly of my own doing. Finally, this masters is complete. Emotions that surfaced at the time— exhausted, relieved, daunted, proud, embarrassed, guardedly hopeful. There’s an ambivalence having finished this last chapter. Reaching the end of a 10-yr project, I’m coming out of it with a sense of trepidation. Of course there’s the obvious “what now” and unfinished tasks that occasionally overwhelm me through the day. But there are also realizations that have waded into the fore. Mainly they center on a wide array of relationships— with myself, my family, my friendships, and yes— previous, romantic endeavors. I’m not as self-assured in navigating them as I once thought, especially since August 2018. Nevertheless, with ambivalence also comes a sense of (positive) emptiness. Like the quiet that follows the last person after a bar closes. Or when your dearest friends board the train on the opposite platform and you’re all alone at the subway station. Or when you get into the car, suburbia’s roads becoming dark racing strips guiding your thoughts on the midnight drive back home. In all these situations, real and imaginary, I find myself at a pensive moment. It’s that empty space where once-high priorities now are firmly in the past. Thoughts and feelings that were pushed aside for years have come back now, roaring to be answered. Demanding their just compensation. Yet I can’t help but think, maybe he was right. In summer 2012 while bike-camping, I met a person who shared with me his perspective of life. That it’s a series of circles. While he didn’t elaborate what he meant by it, I think I’m beginning to see what that means for me now. It’s the year’s end, 2022. Maybe this “reset” year wasn’t meant to be a fresh, clean slate. Rather, in closing this circle, I come to it recognizing how messy of a process that it is. That it requires an earnest acceptance that the process may continue to be messy and unclear in the coming year. Lord (and of course, friends and family), guide me through to the next circle. __________ #reset2022 #deutschland #usa (à ULB Universitäts- und Landesbibliothek Darmstadt) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClxDegWo0d5O9R1V8mh6B01HOHelxNpTsbcqA40/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Juni Höhepunkte Chicago: finally after 20+ years, I got to walk the northern part of the city’s lakeshore https://www.instagram.com/p/CfazOM9FjU-fKPR4PjHD5nYKJMR9rSjqJ_o6gA0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Juni Höhepunkte Happy Pride all. Chicago, you are beautiful. ___________ #reset2022 #usa #pride (at Boystown) https://www.instagram.com/p/CfVtMYDFok9OwQjSYiNQxFU4dBFNV3vzXbcCO80/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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RESET22: Januar Höhepunkten This is 2022. Something I’m trying out this year is to map out the major areas in my life that require the most attention. From vision and goals to steps and output, I’m challenging myself to see these areas through to completion. Regardless of what the outcome is going to be, what matters is that my actions align with all the major priorities. The year is designed to consolidate what’s built up over the last decade and reorient myself toward a more dynamic 2023. I’m hella nervous y’all but excited at the prospect that these could/will bear fruit in the months to come. This document serves as my personal contract to do just that. __________ #reset2022 #usa #deutschland https://www.instagram.com/p/CZpp-cnMsRG-Z6WZv0UVZ1oyNv7r1r5HCPG1bg0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Oktober 2021 Höhepunkten: what happens after Santiago? In my previous IG account, I shared my reflections and discoveries when I went on the pilgrimage. These pictures are from the 3-day walk that followed Santiago, the end of the Camino for many. At the time, I wondered what this walk to the northwest coast would signify for me. I mean, I already reached Santiago; what else was there to discover? I know now. Since returning to the US, I’ve been mentally processing what it means to come back, consolidate my previous lives (@krish931, I give you credit for the term), and reconcile all of these for the current moment. Admittedly, I oscillate between moments of relief for being home to those of trepidation over potentially “regressing” to a former self. With these pictures, that 3-day walk serves to remind me of the complicated nature of life in transition. It’s not always clear skies. Fitting as it was, on arrival at Kilometer 0, Soung-U and I saw both the sunset and cloud cover of the incoming rains. They existed together. And maybe that’s what my life is here now. A series of simultaneous and complicated moments. In moments when I’m hard on myself, I look at these pictures and whisper “I’m okay” until those unforgiving feelings subside. “I’m okay. Remember Muxía.” As difficult as this transition can be, I’m reminded to savor this period as I savored the walk. “I’m okay. Chicagoland is the answer.” This is life after Santiago. ___________ #endure2021 #reset2022 #xacobeo2021 #españa #usa https://www.instagram.com/p/CZiziypO4aws0s4Mvs3vf9e5ldCw2nMAO7XkTI0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Dezember Höhepunkten 📸 All pictures belong to @krish931. While posted previously on the previous account, I want preserve what is one of my last moments in Germany. I knew that time was and is fleeting. Yet as I go through the remaining pictures on my phone, I’m reminded of the love I have and cultivate in each chapter of my life. Here, I remember my selfish intent of wanting to experience and share a Weinachtsmarkt, especially in the pandemic era as it becomes increasingly rare. Add to this, these are the friends with whom I share my appreciation for Darmstadt. When we wanted to explore somewhere but didn’t know where to go, leave it to them to suggest visiting home. And boy did I feel special. Gorging on cheesy cheese and fatty potato fritters while warming with a glass of Glühwein, it was the company that reminded me just how precious my time was and is with them. Though not always graceful nor consistent in how I cultivate my relationships, I believe that’s what this resetting period is meant to be. Living with my parents again, I recognize my own contribution to a potentially difficult adjustment. Yet as @cintello reminded me before returning, and I paraphrase her, love family in all of its craziness. Because one day, this too, will be a fleeting memory. ________ #endure2021 #deutschland #reset2022 https://www.instagram.com/p/CYS8RQBsyJfrrvStlCH-cfB-z74sbPyQg4r13s0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Dezember/Januar Höhepunkten Jumpstarting the American chapter: Chicago . Plainfield _________ 📸: Bryan, Gab #endure2021 #reset2022 https://www.instagram.com/p/CYQKSPeMahyVXJh2kr4LCICqyv7BYhqhx3IPrE0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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2022: Reset __________ #endure2021 #reset2022 https://www.instagram.com/p/CYLTIRVM2rcojyKCgguUoyLm4MMPZhRYKdeYOo0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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November Höhepunkten 📸 All these photos except the last two were taken by @krish931. If I am to look back at my last few days in Darmstadt, this is how I want to remember it. Seeing the people who matter, sharing the laughs, and being as silly and serious as I can be without any hesitation. It’s fitting as it reminds me of how I felt 11 years ago. In that chapter, the bachelor years, I remember feeling guardedly hopeful about the next step. It led me to the beginning of this current chapter, where I met a person who introduced me to the idea of circles in one’s life. That while life moves forward, there are insights and moments that feel cyclical. While I may be ten years older, I miss the shared company of struggling through the cold with friends. I miss being in awe at seeing the lights and hearing the chatter of the crowd with friends. I miss reminiscing and regretting over fuckery that recently happened. And as I look forward to moving back, I’m reminded that this moment is the rounding out of a full circle. _________ #endure2021 #deutschland @fafa6168 @sabena.thomas @krish931 @huynhminh35 (à Darmstadt, Hessen) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWwbtIKMDy0RL8oN16C2-_lu99_Y3fUxsgX8Bg0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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November Höhepunkten Bessunger Hinterforst __________ #endure2021 #deutschland https://www.instagram.com/p/CWohHIDMBOsSNzC5a7SRzkc-F_7mZsA7fho9bc0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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November Höhepunkten Edmundova souteska . Dresden . Berlin __________ #endure2021 #deutschland #czechrepublic #sachsischeschweiz #bohemischerschweiz https://www.instagram.com/p/CWobvQlM3fXkMOcJWK7afEh1hdgtjNKn_DqgQ00/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Oktober Höhepunkten: Skies of the Quiet Camino Entering Galicia, I was told to expect mostly rain. Especially in a transition month, I was prepared mentally for the long, wet walks. But with some good luck and a bit of wishful thinking, we were all rewarded with these dramatic sky views. I especially held on to the moments when I could be alone, admiring the solitude, the landscape, the faint noises of either farm animals or nearby highways, without any fear of having to engage an oncoming pilgrim. And yes, I miss smelling like 🐮💩 at the end of the day’s walk. _________ #endure2021 #reset2022 #caminodesantiago #xacobeo2021 (à Morgade, Galicia, Spain) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWoYqg0s1YwG7isv4Wy2icFHn8bK_lhCI65ouw0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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November Überlegung From the diary… 23 Nov. 2021, 19:00, Mühltal “In order to move forward, sometimes it’s best to move back. This weekend, I began the 3-week transition process to move stateside. With the family dinner, pizza hangout, and a close friend visiting from München, I’m saddened and grateful to be seeing the people who impacted me over these last three years. Yet I cannot ignore the ambivalent feelings of moving back to Chicagoland. Last night, I caught up with another close friend. In that conversation, I shared with her that moving back feels more daunting than staying here. What was once home is now the unknown. And this current unknown is now familiar. It’s home. The main concern is not necessarily what I’ll do but my disposition as I navigate the immediate steps ahead. Admittedly, there’s a fear that I’m returning by carrying the shame of failure. After spending all this time abroad, I still don’t have that degree, nor that career job. Yet I find comfort in knowing that I choose to return and face the issues that need to be addressed. My friend even challenged me, ‘maybe you’ll *love* Chicago.’ And I think it’s this idea that I find quite provocative and in a way, hopeful. The same curiosity that drove me to live outside of Illinois, be it another state or another country, could be the same curiosity that drives me back in Chicagoland. Envisioning where I’ll go, what I’ll do, whom I’ll meet- I foresee this chance to start again as a promise for moving back. It means getting back to the core and discovering what’s needed to move forward.” __________ #endure2021 #reset2022 #deutschland @krish931 @sabena.thomas @elisabetta_goforward @joel_1383 @valenceve @sheldonnxy (à Mühltal) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWoV--EsMxM0VRSOMWGSxTqckIG23EzXBlh1OE0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Oktober Höhepunkten: Trepidation From the diary… 09 Okt. 2021, 21:00, Palas de Rei to Ribadiso “For an experience that’s perceived to be a spiritual refuge for those seeking reprieve and repair, the people who call this place home live realities like the rest of us. I’m thinking of the lady who checked me in at the albuergue today. As I ate dinner, I watched her as she checked up on the facilities around the property. It made me think— this might simply be a job for her. Maybe, the Camino may not have have same significance as it does for me. Then I realized— maybe the Camino is teaching me that what happens here shouldn’t be left solely to this place and time. Perhaps the trepidation that I have is preparation for the next unknown— returning to the US. Whereas the first Camino was about looking forward to something, maybe this pilgrimage is about preparing for the fear that comes with finding out what’s next. Sometimes there are bad days (like the nervousness I felt when arriving at Palas de Rei and seeing so many people in the restaurants and public squares) to the relief of finding space at the Xunta’s albuergue here in Ribadiso. Seeing the bridge with people soaking their feet on the other side of the crossing, I felt relief. Maybe it’s not the glorious Santiago that I find my salvation but instead the humble Ribadiso where I walk on that bridge and discover what awaits on the other side. As personal fears and disappointments flow underneath, unknown opportunities brought forth by that sunset light lay straight in front of me. Endure. __________ #endure2021 #reset2022 #spain #caminodesantiago #xacobeo2021 (à Ribadiso) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWQU22rMkd02zrHqu6etCEilMHakf3FSYooH_A0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Oktober Höhepunkten: why the quiet Camino Unlike the previous iterations, I came back the third time needing quiet. Not necessarily the verbal silence, but to quiet the noise that gathered in my head over the last two years. The goal: to relieve the built-up tension. Which often meant listening to my instincts and purposefully making decisions that separated myself from many groups. This included being the last to leave an albuergue, walking beyond 17:00, avoiding groups of other pilgrims, or turning down invitations to join in on a meal. While internal guilt did often times set in, I sort of “discovered” a different way to walking the pilgrimage. In choosing solitude, I had the chance to meet myself, allowing emptiness to take space. Whereas the tendency for much of the year was to think about “the next step” in life (e.g. internship search, research project, thesis writing, job hunting), I gave myself permission to be nothing for these short moments. The internal dialogue often came in the form of my family or friends’ voices asking me these questions. And for once, it felt good to tone down these voices and let the sounds of my physical steps take over the conversation. It also helped that I had the landscape to accompany me. For while I appreciate much of the human side of the pilgrimage, the silence afforded many moments where I got to savor the scenery alone. __________ #endure2021 #reset2022 #spain #caminodesantiago #xacobeo2021 (à O Cebreiro) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWHeM9_Ic-8pagJqbSx7ChmWHEFGhSggNJsR9k0/?utm_medium=tumblr