As a preface, yeah it’s been a while. It seems I can really only use this blog as a place to write out my thoughts without feeling like I’m bothering people. Well in any case, here we go.
I only really get into depressive spalls whenever I do extended job hunting. And, well. That’s what happened. Been at this call center for a year now, and it’s not terrible, I need to get something better now that I’m turning 26. Every time I look and apply I just get...very depressed.
I’m constantly trying to come at terms with myself that I didn’t fuck up, and that I shouldn’t feel bad about myself. Yet...I do. I love all my friends, I really do. It’s because of that love for my friends is why it pains me more when I feel envious at how satisfied some of them are. Did they earn it? 100% they did on their own merit, and my own displeasure of myself is all caused by no one but myself.
You may ask, “Well why do you feel bad about yourself, why do you feel like you fucked up?” Simply put, I didn’t work hard. Specifically I didn’t work as hard as I could. I don’t want to admit it, but I haven’t worked as hard as I could. If I were to be honestly real with anyone, I just half-ass everything I do. I chose the path I did partially because of self interest, but also because the other things I had an interest doing simply seemed too damn hard and I didn’t want to work for it.
I understand money isn’t everything, but it’s going to be a big concern in the near future. I felt like if i was willing to work harder, I could have just saved myself some trouble, but then it would also be admitting that the toxic side of asian families is correct and I would have lost against my parents at a philosophical level.
I know at 25-26 life is far from over, and for a lot of people, being the late bloomer isn’t a bad thing. There is time to figure things out. Yet I can never feel at ease. I know I just have to keep trying, that I must endeavor constantly to a goal. But that goal? That goal to me seems so...mundane? I try to think of what I truly, truly want to do. And...to be honest? I just want to continue enjoying my hobbies, nothing more.
As I’m typing this all out, I’m starting to feel better since the string of thoughts are about to be put out publicly on the internet, reading back i suppose it doesn’t really make as much sense. But I suppose all my problems can just be fixed if I just worked hard. Simple enough, work hard, get good results. Yet, for some reason I’m always obsessed with...how I get there. If the goal is to have a job I don’t hate and can pay for all my hobbies while living what I define as comfortable...it shouldn’t matter too much how I get there right?
Afterall, it’s not like I really have an idea what I want to do anyways, so why am I sweating all the details? Honestly I don’t know why. It’s just something about working hard to a vague goal doesn’t put me at ease. I don’t know where to walk or turn so how could I possibly feel motivated to give it my all.
I guess this entire mess and mish-mash of feelings I’m...feeling all just stems down to: I don’t feel like I’m validated to feel bad about myself because I didn’t play out my life as optimally as I should. I feel like I’m not allowed to complain or bitch about anything because it’s all on my anyways, and that I don’t feel like i have the right to complain to my close friends because no one should be subjected to my bitching because I did this to myself. And...well it just feels shitty. I feel like shit.
Good news though, from previous episodes of myself spiraling, I kind of caught on and have initiated self care protocols. Physically seeing people -surprisingly- helps out a lot, and this entire mess of a post, is also one of those. The difference is this isn’t like a week into the spiral and only like a day or two instead. So I’m making an effort in some respect to get myself out of it, but like the problem is still there behind me. Like that dark voice that eternally shadows me, waiting to tell me how I fucked up.
Well, that’s a long post, I’d be surprised if anyone bothered to read it. Hope you have a nice day whatever you’re doing. Please see your friendos, sleep well, and never give up.
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