maichanpuru

This is a quiet & safe home for me to talk about food, anxiety, and my perception of my body without judgement, hopefully.

[maichanpuru]

Good morning. I looked in the mirror and when did my face get so round? Disgusting. I feel fat as fuck. Today will be good. It HAS to be good. I need to loose my extra worthy. I will eat just enough. Please please please let me get through today without bingeing. It's the good that makes me a shitty person. I can exercise all I want but if I loose control around good what's the point??

[maichanpuru]

I fucked up so bad. I just ate like 3 cups of seasoned gold fish, full fat strawberry ice cream in a cake cone, full fat ice cream scoops on top of three shortbread cookies, 10 fudge strip shortbread cookies, a cutie, on top of regular dinner. I was already 400 cal over before I even started binging holy shit. I feel digusting and fat.

My stomac is starting to hurt uhg.

I feel so shitty. what the hell is wrong with me.

I was rushing to eat dinner so I could catch a call, but then realized I had more time so I started wandering aroudn the ktihcne. I think i was slightly tired and stressed and that just feuled it. Then I noticed mommy hid the goldfish and somehow that pissed me off and I had to just stuff my face with everything. Im so fucking disgusintg hollly fucl 

[maichanpuru]

Back Back Back

Been really awful at fooding lately so I was too scared to regularly log food and write about it. I’m gonna try and restart this week. 1400 calories. I can do it! I gotta. I hit 124 a couple weeks ago, but that easily creeped back up to 127-128. Haven’t gone back to 130, but  I’m gonna start menstruating soon so we shall see how that goes. 

[maichanpuru]

Blargh

Ugh an unpleasant combo of stressed and bored and can’t tell if I’m hungry or not. I’m on track on calories though, so I shouldn’t be any hungrier than I was yesterday. Dinner will be later today...I hope I survive @-@ So tired. 

[maichanpuru]

4.27.16 morning update

Did pretty well yesterday and monday. Minimal snacking. Today, I started with oatmeal+yogurt+almond butter. My tummy kinda felt weird all morning though? It was just really rumbly (I guess from the fiber? also I was really hungry so empty tummy probably meant body was excited to digest some stuff?) and I kinda felt empty but full at the same time :/

Anyway, wasn’t sure if I was hungry but I kinda felt hungry around 11:30 so I ate a fig bar, but it was kinda BLEH yucky yucky and I didn’t really enjoy it. It’s so dry and blaaaaand and I’m never crazy of raspberry flavored things unless it’s actual raspberries or JAM! Oh, I also had a choco square before that. Hm, what a waste of snack cals.

Tonight, I’m going out for thai with ian, so I gotta be careful! Save up some calories for that. 

[maichanpuru]

Back back back

So I had a pretty bad weekend (not as bad as the previous) and lost track of my calorie counting. Saturday was okay, only cause I walked a lot. I had cake for breakfast (I know, ugh. it wasn’t even taht good) and blueberry pancakes for second breakfast. We went to a cider fest and I had a couple bags of chips and a kind bar. For dinner, I shared a burrito with two people. It was not a good day nutrition wise, but I guess it coulda been worse. I didn’t go overboard only cause I was with ian.

I ended up bingeing on sunday and it was really awful. I have no idea what triggered it. I was rummaging around the kitchen after walking shiro and then I just couldn’t stop. My mind was on autopilot and I couldn’t even sit down and work cause before I knew it, my body would stand up and walk towards the kitchen. I woke up and immediately ate all the leftover chow mein. It was so tasty cause of the fat noodles. I think starting my day off eating something really greasy always leads me to some kind of grazing/binging pattern? In the morning, I started shoveling ice cream in my mouth and kept on looking out the window making sure no one would come home and see me. There was also an open bag of doritos which is never a good thing. There were left over maple cream cookies and they were okay and really heavy, yet I ate 6 of them. For dinner, it was bbq and usually, I’m not that into meet, but this time, I couldn’t stop eating the extra fatty pork belly cuts. Oh and there was rice porridge with the chinese donuts. I couldn’t stop. I had a pastry, too. It was a really good pastry, but I ate it so fast, swallowing it so fast that it was hurting my throat, and barely remember really enjoying it. So that was awful. I think I definitely at over 3000 calories.

In conclusion, don’t eat chinese leftovers for breakfast. Don’t start your day with cream cookies. Don’t EVER stick your hand in a doritos bag. Idunno why I do it. I know doritos are a trigger food, yet every single time, I think “just a few chips” and before I know it, the bag is empty, my mouth hurts, and I feel like throwing up......

Yesterday was monday. I did much better. Everything felt in control and I even went for a run. It was my first time eating around 1400 calories with exercise. Hopefully i keep it up this week.

I bought more self-help books on binge eating and compulsive eating AGAIN....this cycle never ends :/ 

[maichanpuru]

4.21.16 Morning Update

So, I think I’m back to 100% now in terms of appetite! So I have to be extra careful now. I had my usual yogurt breakfast but also added half a banana. And had a tasty cutie as well. Today, we’re getting company lunch....which probably means pizza....which means i have to be EXTRA careful. I’m also doing a work date after work so I’m skipping a proper dinner. I don’t want to completely skip a meal cause it might trigger a binge tomorrow, so I’m thinking of snacking at work or going to starbucks and grabbing one of their tasty looking wraps.

Thanks to being sick, I’ve been doing pretty well this week. Wish me luck.

[maichanpuru]

4.20.16 Food Journal

Breakfast: 180 cal Chicken noodle soup and two cuties

Snack 1: 165 cal Abby left me a rice crispy treat and I had some more ginger, as well as coffee with milk and sugar. 

Lunch: 425 cal Shared avo rolls with Abby and had a mango-avo-spinach smoothie. Smoothie was super thick and tasty! I’m not sure about the calorie content...I think it would be pretty high cause of the mango and avo, but I just based it off of jamba smoothies!

Snack 2: 159 cal Had some goldfish, a few peices of chocolate, and some peanut butter filled pretzels.

Dinner: 436 cal Had like a half portion of udon? Might have been a little more than half, but it was definitely smaller than usual! I feel like that’s the amount I should be eating for dinner everyday... Also had a piece of ginger.

Total intake: 1365 cal, 178 cal remaining. 

I coulda gone without the peanut butter pretzels and maaaaybe the goldfish. I need to stop eating those pretzels. Just three is over 50 calories!!! :/ 

I weighed myself and was 128 pounds....... WHYYYY. I have not had a bowel movement in 2 days though?? So hopefully it’s that? ugh. fatty. 

[maichanpuru]

4.19.16 Food Journal

Breakfast: 166 cal Felt really groggy and a little nauseated so I had an shake onigiri (took out most of the salmon) with an umeboshi. Also ate some crystallized ginger and I think that helped a lot.

Snack 1: 170 cal Bought some applesauce at sprouts. tasty! And also had a banana. 

Lunch: 260 cal Had the MOST DISGUTING chicken noodle soup from sprouts :( It was so nasty!! I ate half of it. It was stinky and weird. Also had more apple sauce! Never again will I eat their chicken noodle soup. It made me feel bloated and gross for the rest of the day.

Snack 2: 140 cal Yummy yummy goldfish and a block of choco.

Dinner: 531 cal Holy crap, dinner was so good! Ian and I went to a pizza place in redwood city. It was the tastiest pizza I’ve had in such a long time!! We had a tomato basil one with burrata and a tomato+sausage+honey one. The crust was sooo good. We also shared a beet salad. Beets are like jelly potatos. I wish I coulda eaten more. Plus their dessert menu looked so stinkin good.

Total Intake: 1267 cal, 432 cal leftover

I was so stinkin tired by the end of the day. My tummy bug helped me be hardly hungry through out the day, so I was under 1400. Wish every day was like this...but without the groggy sickness :P

I know I promised myself to only weigh in once a week, but I weighed myself this morning and I was 126.5 pounds! Coooooool. Can’t weight till I can regularly weigh in under 125. 

[maichanpuru]

4.18.16 Food Journal

Breakfast: 367 cal Yogurt & blueberries plus an english muffin with goat cheese spread and jam

Lunch: 246 cal Kale salad

Snacks: 260 cal 2 fig bars and a popsicle

Total Intake: 873 calories

What a day. Well, I was under, sooo that’s good? maybe? 

Came into work at 5:30 (got up at 4:30) and by noon, I was SO tired. My eyes were just in so much pain. I was so unproductive because my eyes were just not focusing on anything and I was so tired (I had around 5 hours of sleep) that I was feeling nauseated and groggy. I went home around 5:30 (yay 12 hours) and thought I was gonna puke on the train ride. Eventually made it home and immediately threw up everything. Everything being...a kale salad haha. Gahd, throwing up was SO weird. I haven’t thrown up voluntarily for so long. It feels like something trying to suck all my organs out of my body :/ I’m so used to purging which is like...super different. Like trying to squeeze out toothpaste from an almost empty tube. It’s so much more painful in a different way. Like a constant pressure. Probably because my body doesn’t want to throw up, but I’m forcing it to :P But throwing up cause my body wants to is like very relieving for a second...but then a strange ache/shiver kinda pulses through my body and it was so unsettling. And afterwards, my tummy muscles kept on spazzing and it was so painful. Ugh. So bad. 

Anyway, couldn’t eat dinner, took a shower, threw up again. I ended up going to bed around 8, but I had a fever which kept me very restless. I was fading in and out of sleep, constantly being aware of my nausea and body pain. But around 2 am, I woke up with a less foggy mind! I felt better!  I got out of bed and finished up my portfolio, and as I was practicing presenting, I got nauseated again so I went back to bed. Woke up at 5 am. I felt okay, but as I stayed upright, the pressure in my head was awful. Ate a little breakfast so I was able to take som ibuprofen which I think helped a lot. Eventually, as I was going about my morning routine, I felt a little better. Now I’m at work with plenty of tea, applesauce, and crystallized ginger.

what. a. day.

[maichanpuru]

9 days

Just calculated and it’s gonna take me nine days of not messing up to recover from the past three days....9 days. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself? I feel so fat and ugly, I can’t even look at the mirror when I go to the restroom.

[maichanpuru]

4.18.16 Morning Update

So I promised myself I wouldn’t punish or deprive myself today even though I had a really bad past three days.

For breakfast, I had the usual yogurt and blueberries (gonna keep off granola for a while...). I also had an english muffin with goat cheese and jam. I have some prunes to hopefully get my digestive system back on track. My period is late as well and my body just doesn’t seem right lately. 

I won’t snack on anything till 10:30 am. 

Lunch will be 12:30 pm.

At 2 pm, I will get coffee. 

At 3pm, I’ll maybe have a snack.

[maichanpuru]

4.16.16-4.17.16 Food Journal

So, what a terrible weekend... in terms of intake. I think I gained at least a pound. I weighed myself this morning and I was 130 pounds. Last night, before bed, I was132. I’m hoping I can blame most of it on water weight and lack of a bowel movement in the past few days. :P Ready for this? I’m not joking with these numbers:

Saturday: 3,794 calories, 2,084 over Amy made shortbread cookies and we had a huge barbecue. Plus there was apple pie. 

Sunday: 3,522 calories, 1,666 over  I woke up full but for some reason, still had a binge going? I ate a slice of pie PLUS breakfast. And Amy made MORE cookies. I was grazing/binging all day. I did go running though. Not that it helped much.

I’m hoping I will do better this week. But honestly, I’ve been saying this every monday for the past year. Ugh. My face is so swollen. I’m so ugly and gross and fat and I look disgusting whatever I wear. Fuck.

Today, I’m gonna do better. I have to do better. I have 15 pounds to loose. I can do it. 

[maichanpuru]

4.15.16 Food Journal

Welp, confession time....

Breakfast: 349 cal Blend of low fat and full fat yogurt, lots of berries, half a banana, and some granola. So tasty!

Snack 1: 601 cal Sour patch kids, almonds, choco-covered almonds, a bag of pop chips, Abby’s super tasty lemon bar.

Lunch: 663 cal Uhhh so I definitely had 2nd breakfast/pre-lunch. Half a bagel smothered in cream cheese and a little bit of jam. SO GOOD! Also had an amazing chicken-peanut-sauce-avocado-tomato-wrap. 

Dinner: 805 cal Was pretty hungry by dinner....even though I ate all day? We went to Sala Thai, so I had the usual fried rice, pad see ew, soup, crispy fish, a bit of the angel wing and calamari. Mango sticky rice and vanilla ice cream for desert! So tasty!!! I was SO full though. It’s been a while since I’ve felt so full.

Snacks 2: 187 cal More choco covered almonds and some sour skittles.

Total: 2,603 cal

So as you can see, I had a pretty bad day. I went for a 4 mile run and even then, I was 714 calories over!!!! Holy shit. Why do I do this to my body.

Really coulda gone without any choco covered almonds, sour skittles, sour patch kids, pop chips, the bagel, and the stick rice and mango. I wonder if it’s cause I’ve been pressuring myself a lot for the past 3 days, my body just kind bleh-ed on me? :( I’ts ONLY been 3 days....wth.

Tomorrow, I will not punish myself, but be more aware and careful. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. 1400 calories. 

[maichanpuru]

Afternoon update

Yeah, well, okay, today has been a spectacular fucking failure hahaha. Ugh. I hit 1400 cal before lunch and I’m currently at 1800 cal. I went for a run and even then, I only have 45 calories left... Ugh.

I surprisingly don’t feel too bad. Just really disappointed. 

So I think I figured something out. I went to bed pretty late and was stressed out this morning so I had around 6 hours of sleep....my theory is that when I get less than 7 hours of sleep, I become completely CARB CRAZY. Like hoooolyshit, I was snacking like crazy this morning. I had a second breakfast of a bagel with chevre cream cheese (which is holy shit delicious) and I was planning on skipping lunch but had the TASTIEST avo chicken wrap instead.... omigod droooool. 

But I do really regret all the choco-covered almonds I ate today. That was super unnecessary. And a bag of pop chips. I don’t even like pop chips. Really shouldn’t start my work morning with sour patch kids :/ Tonight, we are going out for Thai and so we all know how that’s gonna turn out (me consuming everything that is oily and yummy) Hopefully, I have SOME self control. 

Maybe I will just look at today as a cheat day? Lol. Anyway, lesson learned. I need my 7.5-8 hours of sleep.

And historically, I’ve failed like every single flippin weekend, so I’m a little nervous about that but we shall see.

Some day. Some day, I will have three meals a day and consume only 1400 cal....Alas, today was not that day -.-

[maichanpuru]

4.15.16 Morning Update

Good morning! It’s 8 am and I already started snacking.... Amy brought home her super sweet granola so I put a little bit of it in my yogurt (plus half a banana) and it was soooo good. I’ve already had some sour patch kids from last night and choco covered almonds that abby left on my desk. A little nervous because I’m stressed out about getting my portfolio together, plus I went to bed quite late, and I know when I a morning starts with snacking, it easily lasts all day. 

Be strong, Mai! Hopefully, I can squeeze in a run today. 

[maichanpuru]

4.14.16 Food Journal

Breakfast: 402 cal The usual yogurt, blueberries, egg. I was extra hungie so I also had toast with cream cheese and jam.

Snack 1: 177 cal Orange, almonds, cranberries!

Lunch: 427 cal Such tasty sweet potato patties and side salad!! Yummmyyyy.

Snack 2: 136 cal Cheezits and an apple!

Dinner: 322 cal Popcorn and sour patch kids

Total intake: 1,424 cal

SO CLOSE!! DANGIT. But actually, I have NO idea how much popcorn I ate so I may have totally gone way over. We got a large bucket but we ate like a little more than half. Hmmmm. If I were to skip some thing, it woulda been the toast and cream cheese in the morning. I think that’s it. I don’t regret the sour patch kids hehe. Anyway, I got my steps today, so with that included, I actually have 206 calories leftover in mfp and 197 calories left on fitbit.

I’m SO CLOSE to getting a successful day. I’m gonna try running tomorrow during lunch, so we shall see how that goes. 

It’s 11:52 pm, and I’M SO HUNGRY. ugh. Good night <3