OUTLET

Dahil 'yung ibang lata, may laman. --- I'll give you every piece of lit and shit.

[maingaynalata]

‪i think about the bread box with half a loaf and jars of spreads‬

i think about the closet with a few fresh tops and dirty jackets

i think about the salt lamp that fills the dark and empty space

i think about the silence of the walls while i stare at them dead

i think about the nights to be spent alone in bed

i think about it all

wondering

wandering

[maingaynalata]

my heart still swoons

every time i see you

and i just can’t help

but relish

everything and all

that remains

in this frail heart

that’s supposed to be full

but rather filled

with you

your memories

emotions and feelings

altogether

everything we shared

haunting me outright

they’re all making me

jump back

to you

[maingaynalata]

GOD SAVE ME!!!

[maingaynalata]

TANGINA SO CLOSE BUT SO FARAWAY UGH LITERALLY LIKE A FEW POINTS FROM BECOMING SOMETHING MAJOR THIS SEM HAY HUHU UGH

[maingaynalata]

Goal Setting (11/12/17)

Hello! I haven’t written anything in a while. I’ve been too busy with life and other stuff that I didn’t have any time to even visit this blog. Anyway, I’ve been hiding from a lot of people due to a lot of things LOL. I’ve literally been running away from everyone which is also partly the reason why I’m writing this one here. Buuuuuuuuut, all I really wanted to say is that I wanna do so much for the remaining days of the year. Aside from of course finishing all my requirements in school so that I get to graduate next semester, I also wanted to do some sort of a life overhaul. Since I’m a really forgetful person, I’m gonna write those things here so I’ll have a list that I could see every once in a while. 1. Go back and embrace my art.  This is basically the beef of everything. I wanted to do so much this year and tbh, I’ve actually done a lot! But I’ve almost forgotten that I’ve always had a space for art in me in almost every aspect of my life. Generally, I’d just like to get back on track which leads me to the specifics...

2. Take more pictures. I recently got an iPhone 6S which has an above okay camera so I need to take some time to actually take photos. I remember that back in 2015, I’d go on occasional photo walks as those made me really happy. I don’t know what kind of motivation do I need to have in order to feel like working behind the lens again. To achieve this I need to have an eye for every good thing there is, patience, and perseverance to push through. In the end I should have a better Instagram feed and probably a better online portfolio. 3. Care about fashion. This has been really frustrating. Due to my busy schedule, I found it extra hard to give that much time (and tbh thought lol) to my fashion. I’ve been really lazy and ended up wearing the same clothes over and over that I thought people started to notice. That is so not me. Ugh. So needless to say, I’d have to spend more time and effort on this aspect of my life as it actually makes me feel good about myself. To achieve this I need to spend more effort on choosing my outfits, shop for things that I need, and maybe spend some more time looking for fashion inspos. In then end I should have a renewed closet and a better sense of style. YAY. But I need to save up and be smart when it comes to shopping.

4. Add pages to my Check Book. The Check Book is an art project of mine that I started years ago. The last time I added an artwork there was earlier this year. It wasn’t that long ago, but I actually have a loooooot of backlogs which I can literally make up for if I haven’t been a total bum. To achieve this I need to finish my backlogs ASAP, think of new creative inputs, and share my work with other people. In then end I should have improved my creative thinking process and have a new outlet for my endless worries in life LOL.

5. Write poetry. Aside from the fact that my thesis will be focusing on my thesis, I need to begin writing again and stay true to the very purpose of this blog. Nuff said. So here are the goals that I need to achieve and focus on as the year comes to a close! I hope I’ll be satisfied with what comes next. Yayyyy! 

[maingaynalata]

they say you must go after what you want then they say maybe you just have to wait but maybe, just maybe there's only one way to do it run after, wait up but don't be, and do not ever be too desperate

[maingaynalata]

sugar still sounds like the light coming from your window, the cold feeling of the marble floor before i wear my shoes and leave, the push on your kitchen door, the creek of your black gate, the turns on the streets of that far village, the walk through that dirt road under the heat of the sun, the hailing of a tricycle from the other end of the road

it still sounds like every single day i spent leaving your house when we were together

and it resonates until this very moment with no trace and clue when it’s all going away

[maingaynalata]

I’ve been wanting to say this for quite some time now. This is what’s been on my head for weeks and all sorts of hindrances blocked me from doing it. But I gave in, and I finally did it. I told you how I’m feeling.

And I didn’t get a response.

But maybe that’s what I needed to know. You’re happy. You’ve clearly moved on. And just like the first time we met, I can’t take away what you still have. And maybe what you want to have for much longer. That relationship. That bliss. Him.

I got no text back. Total silence. But I got the message loud and clear. It’s now time to forget everything.

[maingaynalata]

always killing myself for others that i fail to live for myself

[maingaynalata]

sinikatan na ko ng araw at lahat pero hindi ka pa rin mabura-bura at kahit ilang paglubog at paglitaw ang mangyari hindi ka pa rin mawala-wala puta isang taon na aalis babalik tatanggalin sa sistema pero muli’t muli ayan uli bumabalik ka ano ba pahahabain ko pa ba? sobrang tagal ko ng nandito nagdurusa paikot-ikot lang paulit-ulit na pinipilit kong alisin ka kaso sa dulo andyan ka at hanggang ngayon andyan ka pa rin kahit anong sabihin nakabaon ka sa alaala alam kong ayoko na pero bakit at bakit nga ba mahal pa rin kita

[maingaynalata]

truth is i can die again over and over as long as it's for you

[maingaynalata]

ang paggunita ko sa pagwawakas ay iyong pag-alala sa panimula at sa pag-isip ko sa mga bakit ay ang ramdam mong paglaya pagkawala at pag-alis sa tingin mo'y kadena kahit nais ko lamang iparating ay pag-ibig na tunay at gusto lang kita ingatan kasi mahal kita minamahal kita nang totoo walang pasubali pagkukubli at pagkukunwari kaya ginawa ko ang mga nagawa at pinaramdam ang yong mga naramdaman

patawarin mo ako patawad kung tingin mo ikaw ay hinadlangan pinigilan at kinulong pero sana lang malaman mo hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako malaya sayo

[maingaynalata]

i was shaking nervous anxious of it all you were his past lover and so was i but does it even matter i skimmed your face your cute little eyes and dimples on your oily face i moved closer you smelled so good i planted a kiss and asked "is this all weird?" you said "kinda" then, i thought i need to keep my distance and let the wall between us remain

[maingaynalata]

mag-ingat ka tula, 3/07/17

mag-ingat ka hindi dahil may delubyo ang kalikasan walang bagyo o lindol na paparating pero- mag-ingat ka maaring hindi ka bahain ng buhos ng ulan hindi guguho ang mga dingding ng tahanan pero mag-ingat ka dahil kung hindi unos ang sasapit baka mundo mo ang mawasak ang puso mo kaya- mag-ingat ka

maaring hindi tubig mula sa mga ulap ngunit luha sa iyong mga mata at marahil hindi mga mga bitak ng nawasak na pader pero mga piraso ng nadurog mong puso mag-ingat ka

mag-ingat ka dahil ako mismo naranasan ko na ang yumakap sa bagay na kaytagal kong hiningi sa pakiramdam na kaytagal kong inasam sa taong, kaytagal kong hinintay kaya nung sa wakas sa wakas makuha ko wala kong ibang naramdaman kundi saya, mas masaya pa sa masaya maligaya, hindi hindi ko maipaliwanag tahanan pakiramdam ko ako’y nakauwi na sa piling ng taong matagal nang nag-aabang, naghihintay masaya at mas masaya pa sa masaya dahil nakaramdam ako ng seguridad

hindi sa loob ng kwarto ko kung san kami ay magkasama hindi sa loob ng bahay nya kung san kami halos tumira kundi sa kanya sa kanya na nagparamdam sakin kung ano ang- sigurado

oo sigurado akong namalagi at nanatili sigurado akong nagmamahal at nagpapalalim- ng pakiramdam ng nararamdaman ng pagmamahal na ngayon ko lang naramdaman sigurado akong pagmamahal lang ang laman ng puso, ng isip ng lahat ng bahagi ng aking katawan sigurado

kaya pinalalim ko nang pinalalim hanggang sa ako’y malibing sa hukay na ako rin ang patuloy na nagbungkal dahil akala ko bukal ang lahat mag-ingat ka

dahil sa masasayang bagay mo aanyayahan ang delubyong hindi mo kailanman inasahan mag-ingat ka dahil sa kabila ng mga akala mo ay ang pagwawalangbahala nya at sa kabila ng pagpapatuloy mo ay ang pagbabalak nyang di na ituloy pa mag-ingat ka

sapagkat sa pakiramdam na nasa langit ay ang di mo inaasahang pagbulusok pabalik sa kalungkuntan sa lugar na di mo naman ginustong puntahan at di kailanman naisip na patutunguhan mag-ingat ka dahil sa bawat pag-angat ay mas lumalapit ka sa sakit ng pagbagsak

kumapit ka sige hangga’t may nakikita ka kumapit ka dahil alam mong ikaw lang ang humahawak ang may pinanghahawakan dahil matagal na nyang binitawan ang lahat noon pa man mag-ingat ka

mag-ingat ka sa kanya dahil ako man ay nakaranas na na maniwala sa di totoo na tumingin sa liwanag na kumapit sa natitirang kakarampot na pag-asa kahit ang totoo’y isa lang syang malaking paasa

mag-ingat ka sa mga pangako ng magandang buhay sa mga pangako ng pagmamahalang tunay mag-ingat ka dahil sa pagtingin sa magagandang bagay hindi mo malalaman na pumasok ka na sa mas matinding sakit sa mas matindi pang pait sa delubyong mas matindi pa ang hagupit sa kahit anong unos na naranasan mo na

mag-ingat ka dahil higit sa bagsik ng kalikasan ay ang sakit na dulot ng sangkatauhan at ng nag-iisang taong iyong pinagkatiwalaan mag-ingat ka dahil hindi lahat ng galing sa bibig ay pawang katotohanan at hindi lahat ng pinaparamdam ay wala na ngang hangganan

mag-ingat ka hindi ko man masabi sayo ng diretso pero ito lang ang alam ko dahil sa akin mismo ay pinaramdam nya mag-ingat ka ngayon pa lang magpakatatag ka ngayon pa lang maghanda ka sa paglunod nya sayo sa kasinungalingan sa pagyanig nya sa iyong daigdig gawa ng pekeng kasiyahan sa pagpipira-piraso nya sa kung anong meron ka mag-ingat ka

muli dahil ako’y pinatay nya sa lahat ng nararanasan mo ngayon at sa lahat ng ipinaranas nya pagkatapos ng lahat ng meron mag-ingat ka

sinasabi ko sayo mag-ingat ka

[maingaynalata]

ginusto mo lang mabura ang hapdi ng mga mura latay ng mga kamay sakit ng pagdidiin ng mga kasalanan ikaw din naman ang gumawa inasam lang lumaya sa dilim na bumabalot sa konsensya mong baluktot isa pa susubukan kung gusto pa dahil pag naramdamang oo muling bibilugin ang loob hanggang sa mahulog at marahil maghilom malimot ang lahat ginusto mo lang mabura lahat ng kagaguhang iminarka kasinungalingang iniwan bago ako iwan sa dulo'y wala pa ring bago isa pa ring panggagantso ang lahat hindi totoo maliban sa isa- puta pwede bang umisa? putangina ka

[maingaynalata]

tatakas ka na lang ba lagi? tatakbo, magkukubli? hindi ba ikaw ang laging nagsasabi "harapin mo naman lahat lahat ng ginawa mo" naubos na ba ang tapang umurong na ba ang bayag ano, bakit pilit kang nagtatago sa likod sa sulok sa kumportable at madali- huwad huwad kang lumalaban o baka naman minsan kailangan ding yumuko humimbing nang saglit pero hindi kailanman hindi basta susuko baka bukas paggising buo ka na ulit at tsaka ka haharap sa magulong daloy ng paghati, ng hamon at hahamaking di na masawi pa muli

[maingaynalata]

i love you, but i can't