magilliciouss

[malikasfat]

Isn’t it crazy how God turns the hearts? I went from to having a big heartbreak to not caring about anything to finding love again. Comparison is the thief of joy but in this case, I am realizing this time things feel different, more profound than they have never been. I’ve never had to compromise so much and I never had to fight so hard against my traumatized inner self for someone while being so unsure of the outcome. We’re not even at a 50% but everything feels so intense already. I sometimes am tempted to remove all my emotional barriers but I also am scared to death because I know for a fact that he’s either my biggest blessing or the one who’ll lead me to my downfall. I can only pray for him to be the answer to my prayers and not a test or a hardship for me to overcome, because now that I feel like our souls have started to intertwine how could I ever let go?

[12pictures-blog-blog]

[refutes-deactivated20251128]

glow bright

[malikasfat]

Feeding the soul is the purest form of self care.

[malikasfat]

Only God knows what’s next to come and we’re not meant to stay on earth forever, so we might as well try to make the best out of it.

[malikasfat]

Having short and long term goals really is important to be able to actually organize your life. It’s not about doing big things in a short amount of time, but it’s about taking small actions everyday that will have a huge impact in 2 to 3 years. It’s called the cumulative effect and it works. I actually saw my life changing day after day by making small changes in my routine and I know that if I keep going, it will allow me to reach my goals.

[inefekt69]

Yokohama, Japan

[malikasfat]

Spending time by myself reminded me of all those qualities I love about me. Now I understand why I attract all kinds of people like a magnet: it’s deep inside. I am happy being back to this happy smiley and positive version of myself. It has also made me closer to God. Not everyone has the balls to be themselves and this is something I excel in. Now don’t get me wrong I’m far from perfect and I made a lot of mistakes throughout my existence but hey who doesn’t?

[studioghifli]

[malikasfat]

Months and months of holding back and doing things that were supposed to help me get rid of those feelings… why did I do this to myself? Oh because I wanted to let go, I wanted to break free from this cashmere cage in were I’ve been keeping my heart hostage. I wanted to hate myself for not being able to hate the one I loved. I felt like a deserved the biggest heartbreak for still caring for someone that probably never cared about me. So I pretended. And I did things to destroy everything that was left between us and it worked except for my feelings. I didn’t want to be weak, I didn’t want to be mistreated and I never wanted to hurt nobody, I only wanted to love and be loved. Why I’m I only realizing now that my feelings were never a weakness or anything to be suppressed but they were meant to be FELT? I guess I was scared and didn’t have the courage to let myself pursue it. I might miss it, I might not, but one thing I’ll never do again is pretend.

[malikasfat]

[malikasfat]

Time heals all wounds… I’ve always had doubts on this one. They’re some things you’ll get over and some others you’ll just learn how to live with. I feel like being alive is such an intense experience wether you decide to stay deep in the illusionary whole created by your mind facing the questions you never had an answer for, or wether you decide to be brave enough to stop hiding, seek light and feel your heart beat again. I admit it took me some time to find the courage to ask myself the right questions. The previous questions that I had no answers for were just a reflection on my weaknesses and insecurities, nothing more nothing less. And they weren’t in any ways helping me moving forward in my life. I guess some of us have a time in their lives where our minds get inertia and nothing really matters except what we feel, pain. Those times where you’d rather be left alone, to avoid hurting the ones you love or maybe to protect yourself from them. I nourish myself from my environment and something I did wrong was to stay in an the wrong one for way too long. I had to remind myself for days and days the woman I am, the one I used to be before getting lost in the circus of life. Days are passing by and life is more and more amazing. I am proud of myself and I feel grateful everyday. I also feel closer to myself, and I have the feeling good things are coming for me

To myself

[malikasfat]

I just realized something crazy about me. I know the reason why venting to my trusted ones means so much to me. I remember being 13, and having a bellyache. It hurt so bad I had to go to the nurses and they sent me home. Then my mom came and found me in my room. She laid next to me and only then I started crying. It was both relieving and painful. Now I understand that it was not about the hurt, but it was about having to hold it in and go through it alone. And it still is. It seems like I push away the ones I love when they hurt me for the only reason that if they’re the cause of my suffering, then they could never be the remedy. I might be wrong, because then if you don’t communicate and say what you have to say, then there’s no space for healing. Or maybe I should be my own remedy and work on myself until being able to tolerate those people. It’s just like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle where I wonder if giving up on my feelings was the right decision, and then I remember everything that was done to me and swear on everything I have that I will never go back. Once I got told I was way too pessimistic when talking about my problems, obviously I wasn’t talking to someone that was there for me.

[malikasfat]

All these times when I was writing about someone who I thought cared for me, went so deep inside me to understand his actions, all these efforts all theses hopes all these tears… vain

everything was real, but only for me

I was in a one sided relationship and I didn’t even know about it, and the thought of me sacrificing so much for someone pretending to be doing the same for me but actually doing so little, and giving me the least consideration I’ve ever been given… I was a fool and I was taken for a fool for almost two years, and everything was just in front of me, I didn’t have the guts to look into it

This ugly feeling of rage and betrayal, this has made me sick and bitter. What was done to me reaped my heart in a way I never thought it could and now I have to pick up the pieces and move on for my own sake

I feel like I didn’t give justice to my own self, I am smarter than that so how could I let all of the bs slide? I feel like someone took advantage of me and mocked me without any remorse, AND I LET HIM DO SO! I was loving a monster who wasn’t even able of loving himself but had the nerve to pretend he did and this person just made me add something else to my list of deep regrets: I regret not standing up for me out of love for him, I should’ve loved myself more.

I won’t lie, at first I was ashamed of myself. I was thinking “how could you be so stupid? How could you be so naive?” But with time, I realized the pain would not go away quickly, because everything I felt was real. There’s nothing wrong about being a genuine person who loves with their whole heart and now I have to accept that I might have chosen the wrong person for that, and that detaching myself is a hard but worthy process that will allow me to heal and eventually find the person that was rightfully meant for me

If I could do things all over again, I would go back to the day we met and make sure it never happens, just so I wouldn’t see myself loosing this spark I always had

Even though my stupid heart still yearns for the same person, my mind and ego are forcing me not to ever go back to this or anything that has anything to do with it.

I won’t name it, I won’t talk about it, I won’t think about it, and I won’t allow myself to suffer anymore for people that couldn’t care less about me nor my dignity

I am still able to love, and I will when the time will be right and when the right person finds me, but in the meantime I won’t lie I am traumatized by my experience and if I ever had trust issues, they’ve grown a thousand times bigger

Another bad thing is that I had to numb myself from any type of emotions to be able to go through this bs without falling apart, and now I don’t feel anything and I barely even care and it scares me, because I know it’s making me reckless

I really am praying for my Lord to guide me and help me make wiser decisions

Putting my feelings into words help me feel better and if you’re not feeling right, you should try

All 💗

[malikasfat]

It’s just completely crazy how life goes… I was depressed for a few months and I’m only realizing it now. Being sad just isn’t for me and it’s an everyday fight but I know I will make it. God has blessed me with so many things and rather than focusing on what’s not working, I’m going to live my life to be fullest and enjoy every bit of happiness I can get :)

[malikasfat]

Did the Lord send me the best man on earth? I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m with this amazing human being. Nothing has made me feel these last years, but he came into my life like light comes into darkness. I am convinced he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my days with. It’s scary but exciting at the same time. I finally found something, someone worth fighting for.

[malikasfat]

I really am head over heels when it comes to my other half. That’s how I call him now, because he literally has become a part of me. He completes me. He is all I ever asked for. I could never mention all of the attentions he has for me. His tone softens when he talks to me, he always makes sure I am safe, he cheers me up when I’m feeling low, he listens to me and he conforts me every time I need him to. He is genuinely a good person, but he’s even better with me! He thinks I’m the one making him soft, but he’s the one getting softer for me, and I could never thank him enough for everything he does, and the way he treats me. As time goes by, I’m realizing how far I could go for him, because of love. I would lie if I told you I didn’t cry at night for not being able to have him by my side, to touch him, to feel him. Nevertheless, I would wait an eternity to be with him if I had to, because that’s how far my love for him goes

[malikasfat]

After experiencing many ups and a few downs, one thing is anchored in my head: I think I found my soulmate. I know it’s hard to believe, I wasn’t even sure about the existence of soulmates and even so, how many chances did I have to find mine? That said, when things don’t go as they should, it hurts. When you love and care about someone so deeply, and they’re not willing to give you back the same devotion… When that happened to me, it went to the point where I felt like I needed to remove myself from the situation because my heart just couldn’t take any more of it. One key point that I had the chance to understand through this whole process of being hurt was that me removing myself and running away from the pain was seen as abandon by my other half, and nothing hurts as much as abandon. I could not imagine him abandoning me, because that would definitely rip my soul apart. I could not understand him because at the time, I was blindsided by the hurt. I thought I had two choices: staying with someone that I loved more than anything, but who didn’t value me as much as I valued him, or leaving out of spite and without the expectation of facing the anger, the frustration, the pain with him by my side, because I knew I would have to face those alone anyways. To me, choosing myself over this deep and special love was the most courageous and risky thing I have ever done. If I don’t value myself, no one ever will. At the end, I chose me and still got love, because he’s my soulmate. I can’t lie, I was burning with the need to talk to him, to be with him, because my love for him will never diminish no matter what he’ll put me through. I’ve learned that when it’s worthy (and he will ALWAYS be worth it), it’s better to work on the issue rather than abandoning the burning ship. It marked a turning point in my relationship by making me realize the purity of my love for him. I am not seeing us as opponents, I’m seeing us as companions that have each other’s back, that protect, help, and forgive each other. He might be perfectly made for me, but he’s not perfect and neither am I. I would be willing to endure the pain for him, because the joy he brings into my life is immeasurable. True love brings salvation, mercy, compassion and redemption. If it wasn’t by the hurt that he caused me to feel, I would have never had this chance to have an insight on that part of me, a sweet, vulnerable and soft part. Through this process, the one who was causing me the more pain actually became my remedy. Instead of fighting, I would rather sit with him, and try to figure out a way of understanding him. Now I also understand the fact that my love for him is transforming everyday into something deeper, stronger and healthier, and I’ll eternally be thankful for him. I would lie if I’d say I am completely healed, but one thing is sure : I am willing to work on it for the rest of my life.