Mamalazzer Fics Blog

[pinacoladamatata]

instead of conquering forts...

[mamalazzerfics]

Hans DLC - pleeeeeease

Warhorse, please just give me Hans DLC during the divorce era. Imagine it starting straight after their argument in the pillory

And then we follow how Hans ended up with those strange rough characters Innkeeper Lawrence mentioned, the ones who paid his bill.

After that resolves, we get to the poaching storyline, with a sneak Henry visit one day!

We also need to delve into how he even got an invite to the wedding in the first place. That would be a fun questline. And where did he get those clothes? So many questions! And that's not even including his POV at the wedding.

There's so much goodness. Also, I need to have a speech fail with him because he would be so damned pissy and hilarious about it

[mamalazzerfics]

Are you still updating the royal brat fic? :(

I am! Apologies, I will post, just probably won't do the last chapters weekly due to work and mad life stuff. But they are very much coming soon! I'll hopefully post the next chapter today/tomorrow evening!

Thanks for checking!

[mamalazzerfics]

There was anger and then there was this; this overwhelming fire that was licking at Hans’ ribcage like a blazing inferno. He wasn’t just pissed at Hanush. He wasn’t just irritated. No, Hans Capon was incandescent with rage. Fury. 

He was so fucking angry that he didn’t know how to process it without smashing every breakable object in a ten metre radius to pieces.

No fucking apology was fixing this. He and Henry had been chased across the country like common criminals, had literally been arrested stark bollock naked — naked! — in front of the world’s press and, most egregiously of all, Hans had been interrupted mid shag and deprived of being dicked-down by Henry and his magnificent cock. And that? That was something Hans could never forgive his uncle for. It was practically a war crime. A crime against humanity itself. Hans had been fantasising about Henry for so long now that every chance he got to have him wasn’t just a privilege, it was practically his civic fucking duty. All Hans had to do was look at Henry and his body was good to go, saluting back up at him like a soldier at full attention.

And Hanush — the absolute dickhead — had tried to stop that civic duty. 

The man didn’t just deserve a bollocking, he needed to be in cuffs, too, and occupying the cell right beside them. Maybe he needed to be escorted to the Hague itself to go on trial. Hans would happily be a key witness and wear a fabulous outfit that cinched at the waist while he testified on the stand.

- Excerpt from Chapter 12 of my Hansry fic ‘The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard’

[mamalazzerfics]

I know there's fic about Hans cheering Henry on in a tourney but here's an idea... an unarmed underground fight club that Hans can watch his man smash his way through.

You just know his uppity noble arse will be intrigued, no matter how low-born he pretends he finds it. He'll have to pretend to be a commoner to get in, complaining about having to wear scratchy clothes and drink ale that tastes like piss.

But in the end, you know he will be all breathless as he watches a shirtless, sweaty and bloody-knuckled Henry win bout after bout, taking on mountainous cutthroats to win the ultimate prize. And you know Hans will be there, bandaging up his hands between rounds as he complains but letting his fingers linger needily because he's a sucker for brute Henry.

Also, Henry shows off for him, making sure Hans is watching and gets the occasional punch in the head because he's distracted when they lock eyes.

[mamalazzerfics]

The only sounds now were their slow, matched breathing, the steady thump of Henry’s heart under Hans’ ear, and the gentle, mindless circles Henry kept tracing across Hans’ spine like he was sketching constellations.

“Hey,” Hans mumbled eventually, sleep weighing down his tongue.

“Yeah?” Henry replied, low and lazy.

“Don’t you fucking dare go falling for anyone else,” Hans muttered without opening his eyes, his words slurred with sleep. “I’ve used up all my charm on you and I’ll be too tired to seduce a second Henry. You’re mine now.”

Henry didn’t answer immediately. Just pulled Hans in tighter, one leg slotting between both of his like a net. His nose pressed into Hans’ damp hair. He exhaled there, slow and deliberate, like he was trying to breathe him in and keep him.

“You’re safe, my Lord,” he said finally, soft and certain. “No one else stands a chance.”

- Excerpt from Chapter 10 of my Hansry fic ‘The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard’

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“Henry,” Hans hissed at his bodyguard worriedly, eyes on the man in the corner who looked like he wanted to use his liver as a chew toy. “Who is that man over there and why is he frothing from the mouth whenever he looks at me.”

”What do you mean?”

”That guy with the twiddly moutasche and a face like a serial killer. He’s been staring at me like he wants to pull out my innards with a dinner fork. I swear, he’s literally growling at me like a dog.”

“Oh, that’s just Sam. He’s just like that around new people. He has trust issues. You’ll love him when you get to know him.”

”And do you?”

”What?”

Hans’s voice dropped dangerously. 

”Love him?”

” ‘Course I do,” Henry said, like it was obvious, like Hans was asking him if the sky was blue. “He’s one of the most important people in my life.”

Hans felt something bitter ride up his throat. He didn’t even try to swallow it down, letting it consume him. 

“Oh, is he now? How nice for him.”

”Look, don’t worry about it, okay. I trust Sam with my life. Ten times over. He’ll protect you too, even if he acts like he’d rather throw you out the window. He’ll do it for me. We made a promise - years ago. We always have each other’s backs. Through thick and thin. No matter what.”

Alright. Now Hans really disliked him. The eggs in his mouth suddenly tasted like broken glass. He stabbed one of the sausages so viciously with his fork that even Janosh crossed his legs.

- Excerpt from Chapter 8 of ‘The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard’

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“How are you feeling?” asked Henry with uncertainty, lifting a hand to scratch the back of his head. On anyone else, it would have been oafish. Hans, however, was too busy lingering on his biceps and wondering if this man had permanently broken his brain. “I, um, made you something. But you might not want it. It’s a remedy. My mum used to make it when I was feeling ill. I thought it might help.”

Hans blinked at the offering; a chipped mug, steaming faintly, its contents the exact shade of green one might associate with pond algae. It smelled like moss and chipped bark.

“…Did she hate you?” Hans asked seriously.

Henry flushed so hard his ears went pink.

“No, you prat! She just… it was always good for fevers and hangovers. It’s mostly nettles and marigolds.”

“Ah,” Hans said solemnly, taking the mug like it was a live grenade that might take his head off at any moment. He could swear something was moving in it. “So, an attempted poisoning. Lovely.”

Henry winced, already retreating. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to drink it-”

“No, I love it, it’s mine, give it,” Hans said quickly, snatching it before Henry could take it back. It was his, damn it. Henry made the hideous concoction for him. From his mother’s handcrafted recipe no less, like the wholesome fucking catch he was. No one ever made anything thoughtful for Hans before. This bogwater was property of Hans Capon now, even if it killed him. “If I die from this swamp tea, be it on your head.” He raised it with a flourish and took the smallest, most tentative sip imaginable and prayed. 

Henry lingered close, studying Hans’s face with a quiet, desperate sort of approval that made Hans feel flayed open. This man was going to ruin him.

- Excerpt from Chapter 8 of ‘The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard’

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“Hans, just fucking stop for once in your life, alright?!” Henry finally snapped, slamming his hands on his knees angrily, voice sharp and cracking with all the frustration from the day.

The fear, the worry, all of it suddenly crashed over him — poured out of him — like lava over-flowing and destroying everything in its path.

“You never bloody quit, do you?! You’re high as a sodding kite, I’m not going to fuck you just because you’re lonely or stupid or too drugged-up to understand what you’re asking for! Jesus, Hans, I’m not like the people you push around! I care about you, you reckless, spoiled little shit. Why else would I put up with all your stupid fucking whims? So stop fucking asking, alright? It’s not bloody happening!”

Hans flinched like he’d been hit. His flush deepened into something darker - like shame, and an irreversibly bruised ego. He looked humiliated, embarrassed. His lips paled and the mischief, the fire, the unbearable smugness… it all seemed to vanish at once. Now he just looked like he was going to cry.

Henry hated how it made him feel, how guilt curled up behind his ribs like a kicked dog.

Hans then nodded, slowly. Like he’d accepted some secret defeat.

“Okay,” he said simply, his voice a little wobbly. And then, face resolute and suddenly bratty, he started undoing his shirt buttons.

Henry felt his soul leave his body.

“Hans, what the hell are you doing?”

“You won’t touch me?” Hans sassed, voice low and stubborn. “Fine. But that doesn’t mean I can’t touch myself.”

Excerpt from chapter 7 of my Hansry Modern AU fic 'The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard'. AO3 link here

[mamalazzerfics]

I’m looking forward to this documentary tomorrow. Always love behind the scenes with our two favourite boys. 🥰

[mamalazzerfics]

Excerpt from chapter 3 of my Hansry Modern AU fic 'The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard'. AO3 link here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64476787

[mamalazzerfics]

Excerpt from the third chapter of my Hansry Modern AU fic 'The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard' (AO3 link).

[mamalazzer]

Next chapter of my Hansry bodyguard AU is out!

Title: The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard (AO3 Link) Author: Mamalazzer Pairing: Henry/Hans Fandom: Kingdom Come Deliverance Rating: Explicit Chapter: 2/11 Artist: @mamalazzer (been a while since I made art, be gentle)

Summary:

In which Hans is a scandal-riddled celebrity royal, Henry is a bodyguard trying to save his noble arse from a homicidal stalker and everyone (but Sam) thinks they should kiss. Also, the Devil’s Pack somehow become the most unlikely group of matchmakers.

Chapter Summary:

Henry and Hans meet and it's fireworks. But the kind that burn half your face off and make you blind in one eye.

[mamalazzerfics]

I saw a post about this on X so had to check my game and guys... there IS no Bohunowitz girl called Karolina. I searched that entire village head to toe, before and after the Spoils of War quest.

HE LIED TO MAKE HENRY JEALOUS.

[mamalazzerfics]

'Hans Capon might have had a tiny bit of a stalker problem. 

It was all terribly annoying. 

Why did bad things always happen to good people like him? It really was such rotten luck. Sure he was handsome and rich and hung like a stableful of horses but really, it was most unfair that he had to suffer for being too fabulous. How was it his fault that he was irresistible, even to the mentally unhinged?"

“Do I at least get to choose who my bodyguard will be?” he asked snootily, feeling highly aggrieved about all this. Honestly, enemies of the state got treated better. It was like people had no respect for who he was. It was galling. Hans had half a mind to write a letter of complaint. He didn’t know who to but either way, it would be eviscerating.'

- Snippet from my fic The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard

[mamalazzer]

Title: The Royal Brat and his Long-Suffering Bodyguard (AO3 Link) Author: Mamalazzer Pairing: Henry/Hans Fandom: Kingdom Come Deliverance Rating: Explicit Chapter: 1/11 Artist: @ghostssmoke

Summary:

“Oh please,” Hans drawled snootily, his nose so far up in the air it was a wonder it didn't scrape across the ceiling. “This stalker is barely even a real problem.”

Henry frowned, looking back down at the deranged love letters he still had clutched in his hand.

“I dunno,” he said, scratching his head, “the fact he wants to wear your arse as a hat seems like a problem. He even drew a diagram, with sewing patterns. And tassels. And sequins on the brim. See?”

In which Hans is a scandal-riddled celebrity royal, Henry is a bodyguard trying to save his noble arse from a homicidal stalker and everyone (but Sam) thinks they should kiss. Also, the Devil’s Pack somehow become the most unlikely group of matchmakers.

Notes:

Oh my god, it took SO long for me to post this. Huge thank you to my amazing artist @ghostssmoke who made the most beautiful piece of art ever. Also massive love to my lovely fellow community members at Hansry Kingdom, who are the best cheerleaders ever.

[mamalazzerfics]

This photo is so cute.

Source here