*sad violin*

excuse yourself  [Satan/Majesty/Your Highness]

[joseph-joestop]

friend: makes a typo

me: makes fun of the typo, repeats the typo for the next ten minutes straight, makes puns based on the typo, names my firstborn after the typo

[hella90s]

“I liked them before they were famous”

[mamcanyoupleasestop]

me

[megabegf]

[hype-kaminari-kun-deactivated20]

don’t ever duel me or my son again

[mamcanyoupleasestop]

in court

judge: sir, where were you at 4:20pm last sunday

me: well you see sir i was just blazin some dank ass kush

my lawyer: same

me: same

judge: same

police: same

obama: same

[heteroh-deactivated20180218]

when people call me ugly and stupid

[11asi49-deactivated20150321]

when somebody insults you

[mamcanyoupleasestop]

kid: dad whats a 69

dad: well son, a 69 is when two people who love each other very much get together with a 6 and a 9 and a 5 6 7 8 [spotlight turns on] [dad breaks into jazz number]

[shuseph]

Not to be rude but naruto would run so much faster if he used his arms like a normal person

[mrpibb]

[thebootydiaries]

you (has waffles for breakfast, goes to parties, been to ikea): do u listen to drake

me (eats the bark of the rare almond tree for its classy unique taste, spends friday nights studying gregorian chants, refers to my classmates as “brethren” out of respect): whom?

[peepthehooror]

u sound like a virgin

[thebootydiaries]

u better take that back…….hooo boy im getting heated……freaking take it back…im seriou,s dude….ooh hoooo i swear take that back…….

[dangercrossing]

inspired by Animal Crossing, I’ve started doing this thing where I mail my best friends a framed picture of myself and then never speak to them again

[mamcanyoupleasestop]

don’t forget the edgy quotes along with your zodiac sign

[powerburial]

just realized you don’t need to say 6am or 6pm. we already know the m is there so just write like 6a or 6p. can’t believe no one figured this trick out before.

[signedsincerelymegan-blog]

or you could do the easy thing and say 0600 and 1800

[powerburial]

yeah like adding a bunch of unnecessary zeroes is easy. you piece of shit. you fucking coward

[surprisebitch]

6p means 6 pence. that shit wont work in the UK

[powerburial]

yeah but this is like for real people

[volcainist]

im on the floor

[mamcanyoupleasestop]

roober

robber: hey give me all ur money

me: how about i instead buy that gun off of u for all my money

robber: ok

robber:oh shit now ur gonna rob all ur money back

me:no im not a dick who robs people

roober: that hurt way more than any bullet would

[monicam]

my first attempt at a creepypasta (beginner here; go easy on me)

carpeted kitchen

[unregistered-hypercam2-deactiva]

[antipopes-archive]

i’m from new england so the idea of a state that big just confuses and upsets me so sign my whitehouse.gov petition to have texas separated into four smaller texi

[mamcanyoupleasestop]

i need this shirt