terminally ill & funnier than you @mamoru - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
terminally ill & funnier than you
@mamoru
rune•they/them•dying (literally)•read about my story here
DO NOT REPOST/MODIFY/SELL ANY OF MY POSTS OR WORKS! i am dying please do not steal from me. in fact i would much prefer you pay me.
ko-fi.com/rune
love me some:
•Good times
•Animes
•Video games
•Memes
Check out my tribute album, Songs for Rune, made by folks who made Homestuck! Name your price (free)
Do your best today!
2025 has wound up being a rough rune year. awful and stressful circumstances at mickey's dick smasher have had me stuck here since early 2025 with no break, and a lot of people in my life are going through hell, myself included. it is wearing me down, I am much sicker here than I need to be and in a lot of unnecessary pain every day, but having transportation and some friendly company online have made a mountain of difference.
I am going to keep doing my best. thanks for being here with me. I cannot respond to everyone but I always enjoy hearing about fun things going on in other people's lives. someday I will be able to move somewhere safer, for good. I know I will. you hang in there too! live as hard as you can, as well as you can! please!
if you want to help support my quest towards financial independence from an abusive situation that is seriously jeopardizing my health, you can still toss some spare coins to my ko-fi!
all of my checkmarks were gifts. I am very ill. they are like flowers to me.
why did you change your pinned post?
there are a lot of people asking me for advice for their medical emergencies. I appreciate that you think so highly of me and I am not mad at anyone for being scared. but I am not a doctor, I am not an EMT, I am not a medical helpline, I am not trained to handle this much grief, I am a terminally ill person who tells jokes online.
hey I have a new and sudden heart thing/chest pain/fluttery feeling/heart weirdness going on. what should I do?
heart disease is the most common cause of death in the world. the only way to know if your life is in immediate danger is by being checked out using specialized hospital equipment. minutes can be the difference between life or death. go to the emergency room.
should I ask for your opinion on whether or not I should go to the emergency room?
no. just go to the emergency room. you will get a free bracelet
I have an urgent medical question! should I ask you about it?
no. I am not a doctor. see if there are any nurse hotlines or insurance advice hotlines near you that may be able to give you advice.
you are cool and funny and I am financially stable and will not hurt from sending you some cash, where can I send some hot dollars?
fuck yeah I love money as high fived to me by people who will not hurt as a result. here is my ko-fi
I also have a health amazon wishlist and a non-health amazon wishlist! these go to me and are addressed to john as in, john doe.
I have an urgent medical question! should I ask you about it?
no. I am not a doctor. see if there are any nurse hotlines or insurance advice hotlines near you that may be able to give you advice.
why are people sending you urgent medical questions?
in the process of staying alive this long, I have had to learn a lot about a lot of medical things. I have also posted a lot about the medical things that have kept me alive, and I try to raise awareness about some medical things that can make life better for other people. that makes me the only person a LOT of people can think of when they have an immediate urgent health thing happening. people panic and ask me for time-sensitive help and that makes me panic because I am not online all the time, I am not able to respond promptly all the time due to my health, I am not a doctor, and it freaks me out to have someone put their life in my hands. which is not great while being terminally ill. I am really struggling with balancing helping people in one way or another and not making myself sicker as a result. I have not yet found that balance. this pinned post is a step forwards
who is the character in your avatar?
mamoru from megaman battle network 3
are you roleplaying mamoru from megaman battle network 3?
no, I am rune. call me rune. I am terminally ill in real life. mamoru is just one of my blorbos. he is a great blorbo. play megaman battle network 3
are you cool with me venting about how I have given up on medical treatment?
no, my doctors have instructed me to avoid as much stress as possible. I am not even supposed to be watching live news.
are you cool with me venting to you about my medical trauma?
no, see above
are you cool with me sending you a fundraiser?
no, see above and above above
are you cool with me telling you about how your blog has helped me get medical treatment/live better/saved my life/get diagnosed with dysautonomia?
ABSOLUTELY YES. I always want to hear about this. I will never get tired of getting messages about how me swearing on the internet has been able to help people.
I had covid-19 and now I feel like shit months later. what are the chances that I am chronically ill now?
30%-50% of all people who get covid-19 will become chronically ill or get worse if they already were chronically ill. even if you had a mild or asymptomatic case of covid-19. the united states has authorized over a billion dollars of federal funding towards studying chronic illness from covid-19. pro tip: most of it involves post-viral dysautonomia. going to doctors recommended by dysautonomia patients is generally a good start
longcovidresearchfund.org/whatweknow <- source
my doctors are shit but I need treatment. what should I do?
unfortunately, many medical conditions are only adequately treatable by prescription medication. if at all possible, make sure you are going to doctors recommended by other patients who have the conditions or genre of conditions you want to be evaluated and treated for. when in doubt you can just google “[genre of condition] support group [your region]” and that is where you can find the best gossip about good doctors. it is better to have a doctor that listens and is willing to learn than to have a doctor that makes you feel unheard.
I have had heart scans and blood work but my doctors cannot find anything wrong with me even though I am miserable and in pain. when I stand up fast or for long periods of time my heart rate spikes/my heart rank tanks/my chest hurts/I get dizzy/my vision goes dim/I feel like I might pass out/I do pass out/I feel like shit in general. and this gets a little better when laying down and way worse when showering. what should I do?
orthostatic intolerance means conditions that get worse when upright and better when laying down. there are a lot of them and they are some of the most common conditions in the world. you may have heart of things like POTS, orthostatic hypotension, orthostatic hypertension. they are diagnosed with a tilt table test. I recommend going to doctors recommended by other patients. see above
dysautonomiainternational.org/
can I thank you publicly on medical groups?
NO. PLEASE no. PLEASE do not EVER talk about me on any public medical group or support groups or anything. do not mention mamoru, do not mention rune, do not mention me at all. I am not a doctor. I am not a support group. I do not want to run a support group. I am not trying to be a fancy sponsored influencer here or anything. I am just a patient and I am overwhelmed already. :(
why do you swear so much?
lowers the property value. I want my posts to stay on tumblr.
who should I contact if I want to send letters or cool exciting packages to your PO box?
if you are a follower of mine, please contact @kawaiijohn to send me something in the mail. I love getting mail, whether it is something big or small, something hand made or something ordered online, something intricate or just a postcard. for letters, I want to hear about what parts of your life make you happy, no matter how obscure. tell me about cool facts about life where you are, maybe something about your pets, or even a cool cloud you may have seen. please print and do not use cursive if at all possible.
I can not respond to letters because my life is very busy trying to manage my health and every new weird circumstance that keeps popping up. so do send me things with that in mind. but thank you so, so much, for bringing any part of your world to mine. after a while of not being able to leave home, screens meld together. it makes me happier to get a short postcard than a long internet message. because it is a physical part of someone else who remembers I have lived. and when I mostly only see my own walls or the inside of hospitals for years now, it just. hits way different
hey, for some reason i haven't seen your posts in a really long time. i hope you're doing okay. from what i can see you seem to be and i'm really really happy. i'm really really happy about that. i hope tumblr lets me start seeing your posts again
thank you! this should be my 20th post since my hiatus a few months ago including the hiatus-end announcement, does that seem right? are they showing up or is something going funky style
ok pivoting does anyone have a good guide on television speakers? speaker sets? passive, active, uhh... surround...? I can mostly find soundbar reviews but if you talk about soundbars in the speaker subreddits they send an assassin
but a lot of them say "just" go to a thrift store. right now I cannot even get to a grocery store
I cannot really go anywhere much so lifelike sound would be really nice. I was able to see orchestras a few times and each time they pierced my soul
I want to feel that again
edit: to be clear I would rather not get a soundbar. bigger speakers is usually better sound for cheaper right? even if I go with soundbars there are plenty of soundbar reviews that I already know about. I need help finding not-soundbar reviews and information
I lived so much of my life thinking that my life offline was for tolerating and only my life online was for celebrating. that I would just be abused and suffer offline and online I could help people and make people laugh. and that was just my reality
and a few times a year those would intersect when I got to hang out with people who liked my internet points
as my family became more controlling in 2020 and I stopped being allowed to see most people, I decided to just lean into trying to help as many people as I could online
I told a friend it felt like being food safety batman
although, batman at least has memories of feeling loved by his family
I abandoned offline me for online me and I forgot how to interact with people and not talk like a blog
I abandoned most of my relationships and hobbies to be as helpful as I could in any way I could and help as many people as I could because that was the only fulfillment I was permitted in life. and also I just did not want to upset anyone I cared about because mostly bad things happen to me and I always felt like I was on the verge of death
but now I am somewhere new. and I have no idea who I am anymore, and I cannot remember who I used to be when I was around most other people in person, because it has been so many years since I felt like a human
sometimes I have to suffer through the nonsense™. but in between that nonsense is me.
the nonsense hurts. my brain tries to claw its way out of my skull and I feel like a cornered animal. but the nonsense is getting shorter and rarer. so there is more and more of me. more of me than I know what to do with!
PTSD is easier to handle with hot food, clean air, and good company. still debilitating, but...I am safe.
and while I was up all night. I was learning. every day is research of something and last night was silicone chefs' tools. did you know that oxo had a line of pot holders and oven mitts in teal and then they discontinued them like a coward? now they got oat and red and black. ok. fucker
more importantly
when getting modern silicone tools you want to make sure you know the maximum temperature and the dishwasher compatibility. with all that stuff about black plastic cooking utensils being (surprise!) ultra fucking dangerous, now is a great time to switch to silicone. some silicone goes heat style up to 450f which is rookie numbers. the good shit gets up to 600 and you can throw it in a dishwasher and probably defeat some kind of creature with it
but maybe the most disappointing thing was learning that ceramic nonstick apparently still really sucks? I want to avoid teflon. and I need to work my way up to cast iron or else I will lose some kind of appendage dropping it. and I look at teflon pns and I remember making this one specific okonomiyaki while traveling years ago. it was too hard to find pork belly so I just used the thickest bacon I could find...so fucking good.
anyway. the main non cast iron nonteflon nonstick is ceramic these days right? or fucking, $250 enamel or something? and yet people review ceramic cookware like it drove a car through their living room. twice. after waiting for the first repairs to complete
( lost consciousness after writing that)
I flew a little too close to the sun by not having air filter and vacuum stuff ready and dust has started to become an issue. I spent too long looking for the right thing. my skin is kind of coming off so that might be contributing.
roommate brought me little air fried corn dogs. I am finally moving around a lot and not used to how much food I need to eat which is making things harder. when things are more set up I can do more cooking than toaster oven and basic grains
since moving in, I have not been able to physically go to any store. so I spend all my time researching items because I cannot see them in person first. I have only gone somewhere a few times this year. one of then was to here. and now I just keep thinking, if this is my castle in which I must remain exiled, then I really like it a lot
but I should probably at least get a couch and a real bed sometime. still living in the land of air mattress and folding furniture. I hope I can go to at least one store this week. more likely to have success with buying a bed online based on reviews than a couch I think. does anyone out there collect and review the best currently available couches from a bunch of different stores and manufacturers in the US trustworthy style or
got asked if waffle roommate (PERMANENT NICKNAME PENDING) is chill and safe and excellent.
absolutely! everyone who has been involved in rent quest is a wonderful friend that I trust with my life!
I would rather not make a public cast list or anything, especially this early on. but at the very least I can say everyone involved also knows me as tumblr user mamoru. I do blogging extra good style.
so when you give recommendations about items or services or media or anything, unless you need to keep it private (I never publish asks with a request to be kept private), please leave it as a reply or reblog (when reblogs are turned on) so everyone else can see it too!
the past few days is the most amount of replies I have ever gotten so quickly! let me answer a few while I decide if I want to inflate the air mattress more
is it overreaching to celebrate rune rent quest success even if we have never spoken?
absolutely not overreaching or weird or anything and it really means a lot to me. I meant every word I said in this post about it too. right now there are three categories of people in my life: my family, healthcare workers, and tumblr users. I have nobody else left anymore. your replies are the celebration I had planned. leave more of them and get extra sappy if you want
I have been looking forward to it!
did you paint the rental walls in #7EB197?
I think I would explode from the fumes. instead I am simply acquiring objects, bedding, decorations, clothes and stuff in roughly that color.
do you have a rental wishlist?
I do not! I have not even opened my laptop in weeks. months? my amazon wishlists were last updated a LONG time ago, things have been rough. but in the meantime I would love a real physical letter about you and what you love in your life. and your most cherished recipes. I have e a kitchen now. DM @kawaiijohn for the address to my PO box! I should be able to get PO box stuff for the first time in over a year within the next few weeks! I want letters and well-loved recipes!!
do you have a rent fund?
I have a kofi but I want to be perfectly clear, I will survive and pay rent even if nobody sends me kofi money. I never want anyone sending me money thinking my life depends on it especially if the absence of said money negatively affects you in any way. please never hurt yourself for my sake.
is your mattress on the fucking floor
ALL I HAVE IS AN AIR MATTRESS RIGHT NOW 😭 I need to get to a mattress store to get anything else! I plan on getting an adjustable base like my doctors told me to. compared to that moldy couch I was sleeping on at Mickey's Dick Smasher, my floor air mattress feels like a fucking cloud!
what are you cooking in that big sexy kitchen?
today I overflowed my rice cooker trying to make red lentils. they came out as a mush covered in a layer of water. and then I cleaned it out and tried it again for some reason. it happened worse thr second time. my roommate burnt a pizza and then we microwaved something that tasted like seasonings were made illegal. tomorrow we plan to waffles
has anyone visited yet?
right now I feel like a terrified traumatized cat that just got adopted out of a shelter. I was having stress seizures until very recently and I need to decompress for a while or else I fear I might have a complete breakdown or land in the emergency room. I do not remember how to hang out or be normal or be a host or anything. it was just PTSD and domestic violence and illness and isolation 24/7. the past year or two especially absolutely wrecked me. no guests for a while. does anyone have a guide on being a good host
are you using consumer reports for your research of objects for the rental?
I have been using: consumer reports, consumer labs, RTings, wirecutter, project farm, sleep like the dead (is the founder okay??? MIA for years), naplab, vacuum wars, america's test kitchen, various overly specific subreddits. always always open to recommendations of reliable reviewers or review websites or review groups of any variety of object. please
is it ok to be really emotional about you escaping Mickey's Dick Smasher, even if we have never interacted?
yeah :) hold onto whatever gives you strength to keep living. if I can be a little part of that, then it is an honor. and also my goal.
when things were at their hardest and when I thought maybe I should just give up, I thought. If I can save or change one person's life by succeeding, then I need to show you a miracle. because your support kept me alive
my body is in some of the most pain ever right now, I am apart from almost every item I ever called my own, and this is some of the most content and comfortable I have ever felt. I did not believe I could ever feel like this. I just knew I needed to do it because you believed in me. and what do you know! in the morning I get to have waffles!
---
getting sleepy...improve your life in my lifetime however you can, please. night
I wake up! I usually wake up last. but I wake up without much pain, and without being mid allergic reaction. I have not had a single bradycardia alarm, my heart has been a lot more normal in my sleep. sometimes I wake up nauseous from being too hungry and a snack is pitched at me from the doorway. safe!
I am not used to moving my body this much. I can move it a lot more, which is good, there is a lot to do! laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, unpacking, researching the next objects to get. I spend hours to weeks reading review sites for appliances. right now I need to figure out some vacuums. bagless is easier to navigate and usually more powerful but bagged keeps the air quality good while dumping the cup. but a bagless with a sealed system might be fine as long as someone else dumps out the dust cup!
I have not been able to get to a store in person yet. but every day I get stronger! being able to eat normal food is really helping me! I hope I can go soon. still folding chairs, tables, air mattresses. I need to figure out normal stuff like couch, side table, normal style beds and tables and chairs.
I do not have to listen for the thump of happy mood music, or the thump of angry mood music, or trying to distinguish between the two. I do not have to listen for doors being slammed, screaming, things being thrown, someone pounding on the floor or walls. I can do laundry without finding moldy underwear. I can change the temperature!! I can be warm or cool without being yelled at. I can take showers without negotiating. I can drink cold water every day! I can clean and use the kitchen without being shoved and without things being taken out of my hands. I can cook without wet garbage being rubbed on my cutting board behind my back. I can put things in the fridge, BIG fridge, without someone opening the container and sticking their unwashed hands in it and putting it back and lying about it again
I can eat food that is both fresh and untampered. MCAS makes me allergic to random preservatives and now I can eat way less of them. the kitchen stays clean when I leave it clean. I stopped getting food poisoning.
I can breathe deep without my inhaler, nebulizer, or benadryl. when something smokes (toaster!) I can open windows without being screamed at. I have been taking so much less benadryl! I stopped choking on my food and medicine as much because my mouth and throat are less swollen.
I do laundry! the machines are so nice! they sing, but my hearing loss is too bad to hear them...I hope some of it comes back, but the autoimmunity took a lot of my hearing and eyesight. when I get more settled in, I need to look into hearing aids.
the part of me that hurts the most is my muscles! not my gut, heart, head, eyes, lungs, skin, mouth, spine, hips, knees, shoulders, kidneys, or gallbladder! I am not used to being able to be out of bed this much. my feet hurt so bad, I need to find better, ultra padded, really easy to take off slippers.
oh I was trying to go in order. I can go to the bathroom quickly. this means a lot to me as someone with life-threatening gastroparesis, you know? I can eat! fiber!! I can shit within 30 seconds and not 30 minutes! mine is immune mediated, less immune means less mediated! I should be careful with how much fiber I eat but brown rice is so damn good! the clogging situation is so much better, and the sinks have hot water right away! there is enough room on the bathroom floor for CPR or a stretcher in case of an emergency!
not used to needing this much food or water though! so I keep getting dehydrated and nauseous from the hunger. I can eat apples and avocados and rice and lentils. still getting chef's tools™ one at a time to not waste money (thank you america's test kitchen for your equipment reviews!) and I am REALLY not used to using metal silverware! at Mickey's Dick Smasher I only used disposable!
next up we need to get dishes and glasses and mugs. still using disposable dishes. I want to find dishes that are relatively lightweight, microwave and dishwasher safe, and not likely to be scratched by silverware. and if they or any glasses happen to be in #7EB197...👀 well. hueh my city now. I also want to get, probably separately as these are unusual in western dish sets, a nice tall skinny rice bowl, and some tall bowls with handles. I hate when bowls are barely deeper than plates. that is how you soup the floor. not where the soup goes! soup ->me 🥺?
my roommate is here...with iceball🚙! and picks up my medication, and helps deal with my family (sorry)!
when pressed for comment, my roommate had the following to say!
“Huh what why am I being pressed for comment”
wow, what a champ!
I wake up, I take medicine, I eat warm food, I shit in a mostly reliable toilet, I wash hands with warm water, I shower without mold, I do dishes and laundry, I cook basic things until we can get more ingredients, I can move and I can walk and I rarely faint! it really helps that I can carry a little speaker around everywhere, tribit stormbox micro 3 fucking best in class Bluetooth waterproof speaker! and it sticks to the fridge, and I am allowed to use magnets on the fridge too!
I stay up until sunrise sometimes looking at reviews of stuff to make sure I can get the best things I can without being able to see them in person first! almost every single little thing. ingredients, tools, appliances, bedding, clothes, towels, toiletries, shower caddies, furniture! doing a good job so far but I will sleep so much better after things are more set up and I spend less time googling "best nonstick spatula" haha...matfer bourgeat exoglass by the way
I have not been able to play video games or anything yet. I can only look at certain types of screens without it being blurry or hurting like hell within a few minutes, so I really look forward to finally having a viable screen other than my phone...!
on the way out of Mickey's Dick Smasher, my PTSD became the worst it has ever been. the flashbacks were debilitating every single day. I recorded my highest blood pressure ever just from being around my family a few weeks ago. 164/103? or something. haha...a lot of the worse parts of the abuse, uhh stuff I never posted about, really kicked in and it kicked. it was torment just being there...I was genuinely incoherent most of my tumblr hiatus. pulling my hair, clenching my arms and legs so much I bruised, sobbing, screaming, wailing, thrashing, those seizures(?). hyperadrenergic, unable to sleep, fainting, heart rate going from 120 to 40 to 120 to 40 to 120 to 40 so fast that it hurt like hell. allergic, asthma, autoimmune reactions to stress, my family's voices, my memories
I kept wishing my memory loss -- which has been one of the most debilitating parts of my life -- was worse
my pillow could not stay dry a single day for months
I realized that...describing the bad things, even just to explain something to someone else, was just constantly making me relive it all
but when I got here, it all became so quiet
I kept wondering if my improvement in health would be able to justify the international fucking effort it took getting me out of there. if I would ever be able to feel normal again, even. or if I would just be shaking every day and waking up screaming every night
it went quiet. it stopped. every now and then something triggers me, sometimes something unexpected...but with the PTSD and my health...you know how I was trying my hardest every day, to have a little normal, some of the time? I never...needed to try that hard...I just needed to leave. I needed to let go of trying to have any memory of feeling loved by my family.
I am not healthy. I still have all my diseases. they are not reversible once they begin, even if their origin involves accumulation. but I am comfortable and I feel so much more at peace. my symptoms are so much better. I can feel this rare quiet almost every day. I would work myself half to death for weeks or months to have just one day like this. rock lee dropping his weights (do kids these days know that reference)
I will never get back all of what I lost, but I love what I get to have
my heart is beating without pain
my brain feels soft and clear
my skin is less purple
this feeling of my head on this pillow. the someone different I bet everything on. I was right
here I am. the Rune that I was waiting for
no matter how many days remain in my life, I finally get to spend them as myself.
hiagain uhm i drew u this bcs i saw ur post about surrounding yourself with green and i want to show it to u but i cant @ you so imjust sending it to u here https://www.tumblr.com/doctor--reid/817424753743839232/home-inspired-by-mamoru-and-their-new-place uh yea congrats on the out !
ahhhh too weak to get out of my very comfortable air mattress what ever will I do
fell asleep last night before I could explain why I want to decorate with #7EB197:
my tumblr background has been #7EB197 forever. and I mostly use mobile. so when I use tumblr, and when I read your asks and replies, I see #7EB197. and that, to me, is home.
