What is this
This feeling of irritation, at nothing. Perhaps I'm irritated at myself? The reasons being not doing things. Many things that I must do to actually move forward in life. I hate going outside. But when I am outside I have no problems. I hate thinking by myself, which is why I distract my thoughts. But the distractions are beginning to not be enough. The reason to why I am writing this. I'm feeling a bit of hope that this will help me release from my prison of own making. What's stopping me? Me. And that's the problem. No mindset feels like it can release me and make me start doing stuff. I've been here before and I've moved forward from it before. Why is it so hard though? Why am I struggling at getting things done, that others are doing daily. I'm capable of doing things, but I am incapable of starting to do things. There is this invisible wall. I can't push through it and I can't go around it. Sometimes I've been thinking that I'm not allowed to feel bad, but I also don't believe I'm allowed good things. Perhaps that is what's stopping me. "Just do it!" they say. As simple that is in theory, in practice it is not. If the things I do and create are not perfect, why do it at all? One of the thoughts that pop up in my mind. If it's not perfect, it's not worthy and should therefore not be released unto the world. Still, I don't see myself as a perfectionist. Not in personal life. My room is more than messy, I'm less than hygienic at times. Just clean! Just shower! Just do it! I scream at myself as I sit on the couch and listen to the ticking of the clock. The hours pass by and I get nothing done. I want to live in a fantasy, which is why I crave that time between awareness and sleep. There I can go, do whatever I want and be whoever I wish to be. I can be a sloth. I can be a prodigy. I can be both. But then, reality hits. Deadlines missed.
