What does it mean to live?

Death is a promise life makes to you.

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Hi, world. This is my second attempt at making a journal-type blog where I just freestyle and write down the random thoughts in my head. I mostly write about my bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, struggles, happiness, goals, and the awfully rare triumphs. I hope this goes well.

I'm 28.

If anyone's reading this I wish you the best and to wish me luck in my journey across this life.

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I feel my heart dials churning, My bottomless well of empathy wavers, Apathy shrouding my chest, Forging eyes heavy enough to crack steel, The natural ebb and flow of compassion, Weighted shoulders, Bricked feet, Trudging through the muck, Crawling in the mud, Soft skinned, Bruised by the ilk of this world, Fighting an endless war, We are the honored ones, Cursed with kindness, Impossibly formidable, Hope in the face of ruin.

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Sometimes I feel two sets of eyes staring through time, The past looking forward at the person I become, The future looking back with regrets. Presently, I stand, paralyzed. Tell me, how do I appease them? How do I make choices that express childlike whimsy, yet remain mature and thoughtful? I know who I was, but how do I placate the unknown?

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Do I unclench my fist? May I release the weight of my sins? Have I penanced enough? As a child, I displaced my anger, As a young adult, I turned it inward, May I rend these grotesque feelings from my soul? The worthlessness, the weakness, the darkness. How much more substance can I spare to rend, before a hollow skeleton is all that's left. All questions, no answers. If a hollow skeleton after shedding is all I am, was that all I ever was? An amalgam of self-loathing, lying at my feet. Can I please forgive myself for not being enough? If the world defines me as less-than, Should I question the world? Are these even sins to begin with? Or just the process of living. Was I ever flawed? Am I simply, a sane person in an insane world?

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Separated by the vast land, United under the endless sky, The Moon shared by all, Connect our hearts, No matter the distance, The jewel of the night, Like rain, make us right.

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That haunting feeling of regret, when a lesson clicks into place too late.

“I get it now” you say,

As the realization that all your grief and strife you hold could have never been.

Coupled with a thousand yard stare and the weight of your mistakes.

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I hate the cliché that goes, “Aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you’ll land amongst the stars.”

They don’t tell you that most of space is just empty darkness. Listless drifting into the eternal void. They don’t mention how far apart the stars are from the moon. Someone of us don't get salvation if we miss the mark.

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Obsession

I watched Obsession yesterday and I was thoroughly impressed with the cinematography, acting, directing, and script.

I think it was a breath of fresh air because movies have felt so disappointing lately. However, while I was browsing comment sections and forums, I have noticed a trend where men cannot identify with Nikki as the victim of the story.

On the surface it may seem Nikki is obsessed with Bear, but underneath the surface she is a person possessed by an entity. She never had romantic feelings for Bear to begin with. She begs Bear to kill her, and he decides selfishly against her wishes.

The movie is quite literally titled ‘Obsession’, but it is Bear who is obsessed with Nikki. Bear on several occasions bargains and pleads to keep Nikki as his girlfriend. Even when made clear that the Nikki in his arms is not Nikki. I guess to a misogynist if it sounds like Nikki, moans like her, and looks like her it’s good enough.

I started thinking deeper on the matter. How could men not see Nikki as the victim?

The issue stems deeper than the movie, but more a revelation that most misogynist men do not see women as human at all.

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What is a soul? I process thoughts and emotions, but soul, it confuses me. The derivative of life, the sacred abstract piece of us. Intangible, but felt.

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Empathy is a heart that bleeds profusely, but it feels right.

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god’s coinflip

I walk paths of light and darkness,

a true gemini, teetering between lines,

a million versions of me,

pendulums churning through my heart,

elation and depression,

different each second,

strong, but weak,

kind, yet evil.

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Spring Cleaning

I deep cleaned my room for the first time since my cat died. I remembered why I hadn't before this. Too many scattered things piled up on the corners of my shelves. Past love letters, photographs, anniversary presents, and textbooks alongside the dust bunnies. Seeing those things reminds me of my failures as a human. These damn pharmaceutical textbooks mocking me for not finishing my doctorates. This stupid love letter I took for granted. The last photo I took in front of a Christmas tree. I hate it. My worst mistakes reflected in old objects I keep and refuse to throw away. Well today I finally did it. I'm moving on from my failures, letting go of my shame.

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I would give anything for things to be different.

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Time is truly a flat circle in this country. We start random wars on flimsy reasoning, distract, project, deflect, and burn taxpayers’ dollars to terrorize people who can’t defend themselves. It’s hard to believe in freedom and democracy when it always leads to the same events replaying every decade.

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The world needs honorable men.

They hold the line when the night is darkest,

Backs turned to their loved ones,

Staring down the evils of the world.

No matter the stature,

Heart matters most.

Be the shield of humanity.

Mark the line in the sand.

Stand firm in resolve.

Give not a single grain.

Where there is resistance,

Hope shall prosper.

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Sometimes I wish I could write lighthearted, whimsical things, but it just doesn’t feel like me. Maybe that reflects my current state of existence, or maybe it’s simply who I am: a pragmatic, straightforward optimist.

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I’ve been extremely discouraged lately to the point where I don’t have the will to write. I’ve had always known that the world was a machination operated by a select few. However, their depravity and the extent of their control I could not imagine. I always thought I was above the rat race. I thought I understood the game and how to play outside the chess board. I knew nothing. Everyday, I am sick to my stomach knowing that the evil of this world goes unpunished or even noticed. Every dystopian book I’ve ever read is playing out right in front of my eyes and I am stunned in disbelief. It feels like a horrible lucid dream, but this is not something you wake up from. It’s what we wake up to every single day. I hope everyone who reads this good health and prosperity for the hard times to follow. We are witnessing the collapse of an empire. Be well rested, physically able, and protect yourselves. I’m tired of feeling this despair. The only thing I can control is myself. Therefore, I’ll be strong. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Do not be their subjugated subject. Be ready to give them hell when you’re called upon to rise up.