Manon, A Blog About Rambling

Perhaps if we changed our perspective by a few degrees, the world would look completely different.

[manontheramblingone]

“Money can’t buy happiness”

It feels like a meaningless platitude designed to keep people from desiring more then they have.

Money could help me from being as stressed as I am from the bills that continue to stack up and are delayed until I have enough to pay them.

Money could help me go back to the dentist, a thing I can’t afford right now, while I live pay check to pay check.

Money would help me get transportation for my husband, so he can return to work and we can move from being under the pump constantly to being able to relax.

However.

There appears to be a sweet zone. Enough money to not live pay check to pay check, but not so much money to be considered “upper class”.

I have never seen a person who is considered “upper class” smile with genuine sincerity and when you examine the billionaire class, you realise something very quickly.

These people are as stressed as I am.

They’re at risk of being murdered for their wealth, under pressure to continue making massive amounts of money, no matter the ethical cost, and constantly in the public eye.

That sounds fucking miserable.

To be clear, I have absolutely no sympathy for any of them. They could so very easily remove themselves from the problem by simply ceasing. Cease their dedication to treating the rest of the human race and the planet like a metaphorical concept and move back into reality with the rest of us.

They could literally retire right now in peace and never have to do anything that they’re doing ever again. They could choose to never be in the limelight ever again, move to a country on the other side of the world and start a small cottage farm.

Any billionaire with more than 10 billion dollars to their name could literally end world hunger as we speak and it would change the history of the world. Their images could 180 so easily, and yet they chose not to.

Capitalism may have not fallen as quickly as Communism to dictators, but it has fallen all the same. It doesn’t look like the militaristic iron fist of the CCP or USSR, because at first glance, it looks like each individual still has a choice.

But let’s be honest with each other, do you feel like you have a choice when it comes to how you live your life?

[manontheramblingone]

Hands clasped, I say my prayer.

“Dear God, are you there?”

Overwhelming doubt, I cannot share.

[manontheramblingone]

Oligarchs consider themselves to be blessed in the same way that kings used to consider their blood blessed by the gods.

That it wasn’t a quirk of fate that gave them their immense power.

That it wasn’t through their own ability, but instead the snowball effect of having a rich family with capability and connections.

They believe that everything is preordained, because we as humans are so desperate to believe there is a reason for why we exist.

There must be order in the chaos.

For us, our search for purpose ends when we run out of the ability to chase it. We don’t have money to invest in chasing dreams. We only have access to the internet, or books, or our ability to reason.

Ultimately, the realisations that come from searching for purpose ends in a desire for legacy for most of us. For those who are incapable of accepting that all of us must one day die, they search for immortality.

The ones who search for neither have already realised that all memories will eventually die.

The logical conclusion is that we cannot control what happens once we are gone. We won’t be here to care, after all.

So whatever dreams we can chase, we should chase with our whole hearts and minds.

What is the meaning of life?

In my opinion, it is finding everlasting contentment.

[not-vinegar]

What are we here for?

In the wake of 'the year of disclosure,' as my friend F.W. so gleefully puts it, my contentment has been somewhat shattered. Not that I had much to begin with, given that we're all being constantly mentally crippled by the very device I'm using to write this.

Everyone, collectively, we all knew we couldn't trust politicians or companies. We've all heard a million times that every politician is a crook and every executive at least as bad. So why is it, that when provided evidence of what I already knew, it so completely broke me? If the corporate elite view us as cattle, to funnel money, children, and lifestyle into themselves, then what are we here for?

The traditional human answer to this question is to love and be loved, to know and be known. But that answer always sort of upset me. If it is to love and know, and be loved and known, then is it truly love to bring forth children you might not be able to afford in a world where they may be abducted and farmed for babies? You may say that your purpose is to shield them from these things, but if it is so necessary to shield them from our fellow man, why inflict that upon them in the first place? So no, I do not think the answer is love, unfortunately.

If not love, the most common answer would likely be religion. For the sake of brevity, we can say that Abrahamic religions as a whole would answer that the purpose of life is to fulfill Godliness in your life so that you may be reunited with Him after death. I am not of any Abrahamic religion, but this answer has always been the most comforting platitude to me personally. Unfortunately, I am... not quite distrustful, so much as spiteful by nature, so this comfort has always unnerved me. It's that simple? A benevolent creator simply wants us to experience his world and then be with him? I suppose it's not implausible, but what then of the people that have not heard of Jesus. Or better yet, let me give you a very specific example. It comes from the Epstein files and is incredibly disturbing so feel free to skip ahead to the next section, I do not believe in softening what happened. Also, I read about this in roughly 2024 I believe, so I do not have a link to the relevant files, but whether or not this occurred in this way is irrelevant. Jeffrey Epstein and his pedophile buddies (Trump. Clinton. Leon Black. Do not forget.) were just as interested in psychological torture as they were physical. In one such case, they had been in the process of repeatedly raping a prepubescent child, and noticed that she was praying. So they asked her about Jesus, and when confirmed her faith they returned dressed as Jesus, to rape her again as her savior now. Tell me, what God will do when this victim dies, if her heart has hardened to Him. He would condemn her to Hell as punishment for her unbelief, as is said in the bible? So no, I do not think God is the answer.

A Buddhist would tell you that there is no inherent meaning in life, and that in fact you seeking one is contributing to that suffering. A Buddhist would tell you that the only way you could ever truly be free from that suffering is to release yourself from the desire for that very freedom. I do not have an argument against this point, because buddhism is less of a religion and more of a medical practice in spirit. I don't think there is anything to dispute here, I think we can all agree that if we did not desire these things so strongly we would not be upset to be devoid of them.

So if there is no inherent meaning, if we're all suffering the same collective illusion, what are we here for? I would say that we are here to experience, and nothing more. But that does not mean that we should not foster this experience. It means that we should live in it, and fill ourselves with care and mindfulness. We as a species have shed the constraints of nature, we do not need evolution or tribes anymore, we have knowledge to protect ourselves, and we all have a shared collective culture of experiencing life on this rock. It does not matter if you are Jeffrey Epstein or if you are Siddartha Gautama, every single person that has ever existed shares this culture. I believe that governance as it exists now is outdated and unethical. It is built on compromises that we do not need to consider anymore. We have the capacity to share information with nearly any other person in the world, instantly. We dont have to rely on outside parties for our view of the wider world, we can see now for ourselves the truth and beauty and horror of this world, and the only way it will ever improve is if we learn to share this collective culture.

[manontheramblingone]

Mind weary, despair heady.

I pray for a miracle, unsteady.

God isn’t here, I know already.

[manontheramblingone]

There is something so insidious about the way we live our lives now.

I think of my childhood now as a lie. All of the media I consumed was propaganda.

Things like the tooth fairy, santa and the easter bunny are all the surface level lies that our parents tell us. God, fairness and justice are the lies that society tells us.

There is no joy to be found in a system that lies to your face every single day.

“If you work hard enough, you will succeed.”

“If you want it enough, you will get it.”

“Humans care for one another.”

Lie after lie after lie.

I am tired of it all.

I desire two things above all else in life.

A bullet and happiness.

Only one of these is permanent.

[manontheramblingone]

The problem with being properly medicated for your ADHD is that your thought process is no longer a series of backroads travelling around a winding mountain top, it’s a singular goddamn highway now and it takes literally a quarter of the time to do things that used to take you weeks to work up the courage to do.

I am so fucking bored now at work. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

I tried volunteering for additional duties. I tried just writing up technical documentation for my tasks so I just had something to fucking do. I got told to stay in my lane.

I am going insane.

Being medicated is a blessing and a curse when you also have goddamn Autism.

[manontheramblingone]

I genuinely forgot that being overly helpful is incredibly annoying to others.

It’s so embarrassing to be humbled at 30+ over something so fundamental. People like to learn how to do things themselves. I like to learn things so I can do them myself.

I am rethinking all of my interactions over the past 12 months. My mental state is deteriorating even thinking about it.

God fucking damn it.

2 steps forward, 10 steps back at all times.

[manontheramblingone]

An older entry, because today has been trying.

“I like writing.

Quite a lot, actually. I used to love drawing. Not so much these days, I am incredibly harsh on myself when it comes to anything I produce and my drawings are so imperfect that sometimes it makes me feel somewhat sick.

So no, I don’t really love drawing anymore. It’s a shame, how much shame I feel for who I am and what I produce and do with myself.

I’m hoping this year will be a transformative odyssey for myself. That in 365 days, I will gain some kind of perspective I lacked here and now that will make living just that tiny bit easier.

Context.

I am 31. Nobody tells you how different the jump from 29 to 30 really is. People aren’t putting me on the kids tables anymore. I’m not allowed in younger adult spaces anymore. If anything, I feel like my body is finally catching up to the age that I feel on the inside. I never enjoyed loud parties. Always felt like a bit of a grouch.

I’m also somewhat disabled. Multiple Sclerosis makes my life difficult in unexpected and unique ways I find hard to both describe and deal with. Surprisingly, the biggest problem is figuring out what problem is occurring because of MS, and what problem is occurring because of a seperate, more unknown issue.

I feel like Doctors don’t take me seriously sometimes. It’s gotten better now that I’m older, but in my 20s, I found it difficult to advocate for myself and be heard for what I was truely trying to say. Now, I find that when I say I have tried something, and it did not work, they believe me. That part about aging is nice, at the very least.

Being overweight and a woman is an interesting experience. I don’t feel desirable, because I have always been told, since I was very small, that being fat is both undesirable and actually repulsive. Curbing these ingrained thoughts is more difficult then you would expect. At the very least, I don’t feel this way about other women who are overweight.

But I definitely do about myself.

I hope I stick with this project this time. I hope that I do find whatever it is that I’m looking for in this work.

If I decide that somebody else can see this work too, I hope you can find some meaning from it too.”

[lycaniums-room]

An ad for your deepest desires :)

[depsidase]

[theaceofwords]

It's called the Global Justice Report, it is here. This is an actionable plan which can be sent to legislators and demanded of political parties. We could save the world within our lifetimes.

It has always been possible. It is still possible.

[manontheramblingone]

When I was a child, I made it my sole purpose to get people to like me.

There is something uncanny in neurodivergent children to neurotypical children. We are missing something, either facially or in communication when it comes to making friends.

I was so incredibly desperate for a friend.

For over 14 years I failed to retain a single friendship. It became ingrained in my psyche that there was something horrifically wrong with me. This is a mindset I have only just begun to be able to tear away from.

So what do you do if you do something wrong?

You try, try again.

I began reading as much as I could on making friendships, interacting with other people and how to make conversations. I continue to fail utterly at conversations because unfortunately, most of the time, whatever the other person is saying is incredibly boring.

I hate small talk so much.

Small talk appears to be this code language that is passed between two neurotypical people to get something out of aside from information. I am over 30 years old and I still do not understand it.

Something that did stick with me was the concept of trading. Every interaction with another human involves a trade. It might be time, effort or even monetary. But all relationships are maintained on the basis of a trade and what you are willing to offer.

Keeping this in mind, all interactions are so much easier to discern.

I still don't fucking understand small talk, though.

[manontheramblingone]

The problem with imagining Sisyphus happy is that it’s quite easy for me to imagine this to be true.

The problem with being neurodivergent is the constant fear that you are doing everything wrong. You are the master of your own destiny and it feels both wrong and fantastic. I have total freedom, and yet I feel so adrift.

I grew up being told that god has a purpose for everyone. That we are all threads in a grand tapestry and together, we are woven together to create a society that embraces everyone.

The stark reality is that society considers neurodivergence to be nothing more than shit upon it’s heel, on the best of days.

There are things that I am good at. However, because I have no faith in myself, I cannot say that I am good at those things with 100% confidence. Awareness of one’s self is important to me, and as I grow older, I realise that the people around me are less aware of themselves and the world around them then I thought we were supposed to be.

I am constantly thinking. About what could go wrong today. About what could go wrong tomorrow. About what I did wrong yesterday. It means that I am continuously aware of my own flaws and how I fail to fit into the fabric of society around me. I fail to make friends, simply because my framework for what can be considered a friend is different than society at large. An acquaintance to me, would be a friend to somebody else.

It is difficult to connect to people around me, because I am incapable of trusting them. It is easy to meet with other neurodivergent people, because the first thing that is always mentioned, without hesitation, is the horrific things we have both gone through in our lives. It both clears the air and removes any unpleasant surprises or potential triggers.

Transparency is my best policy.

As I write these, I wonder if they will help anyone else. If I could be useful, by weaving myself into the fabric in a different way.

If I had a divine purpose in life, my soul is constantly screaming at me to put all that I am into helping as many people as possible before I die.

This, is what makes me happy.

[manontheramblingone]

My first post will be a promise.

If I am aware that at any point I will expire, I will make it my goal to reveal my identity here.

I’m not considered a famous person my any means. In fact, I would be surprised if more than 50 people knew who I was. I am an insular being.

The internet is an eternal stronghold of knowledge, currently. It may change in the future. I hope not.

However, this may end up being my legacy. And so, I will make this promise with the intention of being dedicated enough to this blog that I will eventually reveal who I am, when the time comes.

This is solely for my own comfort. As the days go on, I will possibly explain why.

Welcome.

Goodbye.