"Miss or Mrs.?" Asked Johnny.
10 years old Johnny asked his mom: "How should I address the lady down the street: Mrs. or Miss?"
"Asking her if she is married? Isn't that intruding into her private life? What if she says it's none of your business?"
"Then why don't you ask her how she prefers to be addressed: Mrs. or Miss?"
"So, it's whatever someone likes to be addressed and not based on certain rules?"
"Well, yes and no. Yes if you were married, you have a choice between Mrs. or Ms.. No, if you have never been married. An unmarried woman cannot be addressed as Mrs."
"Even if a lady is 70 or 80 years old? Wouldn't calling her Miss embarrass her as an old maid?"
"Yes, I know, it's kind of unfair for a man not to have to worry about this kind of stuff but for a woman's title as a person to depend on a man. But that the way it is."
"What if she has never been married but is living with her boyfriend?"
Johnny's dad jumped in the conversation: "Then she should be addressed as Mrs."
Johnny: "But she has never been married."
Dad: "How can I explain this to you in an age-appropriate way...Well, she is no longer a girl. She is a woman."
Mom: "I disagree with that kind of derogatory language! You cannot call someone over 20 year old a girl, whether she is married or not. Mrs. or Miss has nothing to do with someone being a girl or a woman, young or old. Even a married 13-year old girl should still be addressed as Mrs."
Dad: "I agree that a married 13-year old girl should be a Mrs., but an unmarried 40-year old woman who shares her bedroom with her boyfriend cannot be a Miss"
Mom: "She is a Miss as long as she has never been married."
"But sharing her bed with a man is the same as being married. She is no longer a VIRGIN!"
"Now, now, you are getting too much into people's private lives. How can you know if someone is a virgin or not, or what they do in their bedrooms? Peeping into their bedrooms? Spying on them? What if they are married but do not have sex or only live together without having sex?"
"Of course we can never be sure, but it's more likely that a man and a woman living together would have sex. Let's be on the safe side and address the woman as Mrs."
"You are too hung up on people's sex lives. Mrs. or Miss has nothing to do with having sex or how long a couple has lived together. It should be based purely on their legal marital status."
Being on the sideline for the last several minutes, listening to his parents spirited and complex discussion, which stemmed from his seemingly simple and innocent question, now Johnny sees an opportunity to interject. "Then what about a divorced woman, who used to be married but now single again."
Johnny's dad responded triumphantly: "See! That's why I said the Mrs. or Miss title cannot be based on someone's legal marital status, but must be based on someone's virginity. A divorced woman or a female widow would forever be a Mrs. and cannot switch back to Miss."
Mom: "Not so quick! Using your virginity principle, how would you classify a same-sex female couple? They are legally married in a civil union but they might not have lost their virginity."
Dad: "Do you know anything about lesbian sexual activities? How can you be sure that they have not lost their virginity?"
Mom: "Yes, of course, we never know for sure what people do or don't do in their bedrooms. That's why we should only rely on their legal marital status, regardless of straight or gay, or virginity. A divorced woman should be addressed as Miss., period."
Dad: "Based on your legal marriage criteria, let's see if I can sum them up.
Never legally married: Miss.
13-year old legally married: Mrs.
70-year old never legally married: Miss.
Living together for 20 years but never legally married: Miss.
Married again: changed from Miss to Mrs again.
Lesbian couple in state-sanctioned marriage: Mrs.
Lesbian couple in non-state-sanctioned marriage: Miss."
Johnny: "This is way over my head!"
Dad: "You know what, forget it. Just call them all BITCHES!!!"
Mom: "Don't despair! Instead of checking on people's marital status or sex lives, you would not have any of these headaches if you just simply address a woman as Ms."
