Thoughts of a growing man

so my name is marc hill and im going to use tumblr to post things i write in hopes that you could get a sense of the things i see or the things i feel the things that bother me and the things that make me happy pretty much im going to invite you into my life anything you want to know just ask

[marchill52]

I see death around the corner... how long will they mourn me?

[makaiparker]

how i really feel & how i express it will never match up.

[sincerelyhowifeel]

when ya work out is complete- ya can’t hear it but I was listening to Dej Loaf ‘Back Up Off Me’

lmao little booties matter

[marchill52]

Thot behavior lol

[qwesh-deactivated20160523]

[chuckynachos]

Eat her like you need her.

[marchill52]

Unfinished

Say the the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. I gotta few and for me there's no easy way to solve. I suffer from a mental illness that most people tend to look pass. Depression is real if you never overcome the issues of your past. Every get really anxious and your palms get sweaty? Your mind starts racing and your chest gets heavy? You lock your self away and sometimes forget to eat. It's like no matter what you do you still feel defeat. You wake up wish you never did. Put yourself in harms way wishing you never lived. You tell people and they say let it go and move on. But it's not that simple to take repeat of this song. If was that easy then depression would never exist. Lives would never be taken, people wouldn't be missed. You stick to yourself because you don't want anyone to judge you. You feel alone even though you know that people love you. You get happy about things and then your get your hopes high. You take a shot to the heart and your only thought is why? You never understand it and you can't help but to cry. It's like all you want to do is go away and die. See me I tried and I failed each time. I've had people tried to take my life and I've tried to take mine. There was the knife there was the gun There was the bottle there was my mom There was the gang and reckless living Not taking advantage of the gift that I was given I still today I struggle with it daily and I don't say nothing because I don't want the questions that come with it. What's bothering you? Why don't you feel different? Why can't you shake the feeling your strong enough to make it out? But this is from people who don't walk in my shoes so it's something they can't accurately talk about. Being strong all the times isn't great sometimes it's okay to be weak. To admit you need help for the proper help to go seek. I can honestly say I'm trying though I feel hopeless. I may be down but I'm not broken!

[lucifer404]

When you got alot of followers but nobody gives a fuck about you 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

[marchill52]

Dear Diary....I'm Sorry

Dear love, I can only tell you I'm sorry and hope that you'll forgive me What transpired between us was just a reoccurrence of painful a memory But it was not my intentions to hurt you or cause any kind of disrespect Guess the way you'd feel about it all was the part that I managed to neglect If I could I would go back and change how that whole situation took place It hurts to hear the pain in your voice and see the hurt on your face I love and care for you more than you'll ever have a chance to know But disrespect is disrespect and you don't deserve it so you should go I should've been more conscious and had more control over the situation Should've waited it out should've had a bit more patience The situation didn't seem like what you made it out to be But I didn't think it's two of us here it's not about just me It kills me to know I hurt you and created so much distance I betrayed your trust and now I feel like a part of me is missing I'm not saying I agree with what you claim but I gotta respect the way you feel It's your reality and your perception so who am I to say it's not real I'm not sure this is something we'll ever be able to work past or fix If we do I'm almost sure it wouldn't be quick To know I cause you pain and suffering really been bothering me all day I have a great love and sense of respect for you so it's not okay But I'm sure you need some space so I'm willing to give you that And maybe one day those great times we'll get them back Like when we were fourteen and life was simple sitting on your porch Or late Nate convos till we were tired and our voice was horse Or back when you was nervous when around me so you used to scribble We had it all figured out back then but we were just to little We ignored the signs then and both went our separate ways Both collected hurt over the years and turned the page Somehow we ended up back here maybe it's meant to be I don't have a problem with it we could be history But I fucked up and for that you have my deepest apology But words don't fix the pain and I know that believe me So I'll give you time to heel and I be here still if you're ever looking for me And if not I'll just hope you can find happy times in other stories But I'll always have a love for you because you indirectly saved my life I just hope we can fix this and be able to get and keep things rights

[marchill52]

. . . .

August 4th 2008, the day I lost my nephew Due to tragic events that's the same day I lost you You see you're still here but a part of you is gone forever Though I wish it time won't ever make that emptiness feel better You took pride in your little man he was your star in the sky You did everything you had to do he wouldn't have to know bad times We go back to birth so I noticed when things got different But I also know nothing will ever fill the void that's missing I could still see the pain you feel when I look in your eyes If I could I would gladly bring him back to live life and give up mine To give you more time with your son and to raise him to be a man To teach him right from wrong and to make sure he always has a plan To grow up and respect people and the things around him To teach him this world is full of temptations in many ways that he should never get drowned in So you can hear his first words or you could see his first steps For you to watch him grow to the man that we should've been I'll give up all my time to give yall all the time that yall should've spent I look up to you dude and I love ya I know you lost your heart but with me you got a brother If I could I'd do anything for you to be whole again Because it kills me to see you broken and for it to be out my hands But tough people last and I'm sure you'll say you're just fine But I've learn the pain never goes away you just learn to manage it with time

[marchill52]

Graffiti

I want to paint a picture no better yet i want to paint a mural that’s much more complexed with significant meaning For a mural is the craft of an artist who does graffiti and im a tagger who’s soul is bleeding You see my heart beat is the steady shaking of the spray can and the words i write down are that of the mural being spray painted This craft can never be perfected for the ending is just a figment of your imagination that seems to get a little tainted People try to contest me thoughts and lock my emotions up in handcuffs just as a police would do a tagger My graffiti may seem like a crime to some but to people of my kind its the perfect disaster My art drops hint of my past and leaks out the secrets of my future thoughts When i finally find the perfect words to paint the perfect mural i sigh and whisper harmony is temporarily caught I do graffiti but mine is more of the verbal kind From writing the perfect picture i get a piece of mind Taggers tag graffiti as there form of art So take a look at graffiti from a poets heart

[marchill52]

Thoughts

They took the oath to protect and serve yet they're killing the community If not before then more than ever right now we need unity It's like the people in society are being hunted down like animals It's gets swept under the rug while the government investigated the death of animals These are somebody's child somebody's parent somebody's loved one Then y'all wonder why the communities don't trust you and y'all are who they run from It's like now a days the news are so quick to paint negative pictures of the victims He smoked weed, he had a troubled past, so I guess that gives the police permission, To kill people for something so small as a failure to use a turning signal That doesn't add up to me I guess something's wrong with my mental The past you lived doesn't always determine who you are because people change But no matter how many rights you do your wrongs will always be highlighted and framed It's sad that simple traffic stops are now claiming lives Not even gonna pull the race card we'll save that for another time But it seems that in this day in age we're dealing with a full blown genocide That's why I pray for the people I love each and every night Don't get me wrong I pray for the unknowns too Though not known to me they could mean the world to you The systems needs to be fixed before the people tear it down Because everyone's fed out and people ready different out of fear now Soon enough the people's mentality will be kill or be killed Innocent lives will be claimed sadly, I think we've had enough blood spilled I just wish we could stop all this senseless violence before it's too late I'm no activist just a few thoughts on my mind I had to say

[psych-facts]

“Listen with the intent to understand, not the intent to respond.” -idk

(via psych-facts)

Yes!

[fvckur-deactivated20170326]

Because I am not the type of person someone falls in love with.

(via forebidden)

[marchill52]

BlackExcellence 💜

[marchill52]

things to know before dating the signs

Aries: they don't want you to know that they need you

Taurus: they like to be right and don't ever let them down

Gemini: they may be flighty, but once they're in love, they stay in love

Cancer: they are terrified you will hurt them so they shut you out

Leo: they are pessimistic but cannot help but hope for the best from you

Virgo: always hug them after a fight

Libra: they won't waste their time with someone who isn't willing to put in 100%

Scorpio: they will like you more than you will ever like them

Sagittarius: they want you to have fun

Capricorn: they will be everything you need and expect very little in return, but give everything to them anyway

Aquarius: they want to be friends as well as lovers

Pisces: never shut them out

[solisseblog]

[augustallday]

actual nudes for our skintone 

[oxymelanin]

love

[samurai-flocka]

This is fuckin beautiful yo

[p-osie]

yall are so fuckin fit that is what i am here for ugh yaaaas

[marchill52]

😍😍😋

[marchill52]

Adolescence to Present

If you see my tears fall just let me be move along nothing to see! Your adolescence is your time to make mistakes and learn your lesson Its quite different because I didn't mind growing up fast and that's my weapon Spent most of my time left alone do abandonment became my best friend My life overshadowed by darkness from the pain I felt within A father who never loved me a mother who wasn't there, a sister to raise a house but in age we were to near She could say what she want but that shit I wasn't tryna hear, how could you be my keeper you only got me by a year She ain't live her life to even give me certain guidelines So it was up to me to learn on my own how to find mine. But when momma was around she was always angry and never sober I always wonder if things would change as time passed and we got older You see sis was first born and lil bro he was the baby I was stuck in the middle a spot that will forever taint me You see in her eyes neither of them could never do any bad So all on their issues and punishments piled on top of the ones I already had I remember the beatings the times I spent tied up in the closet The scars that I would get from being hit with flying objects They got the things I didn't while I was begging for attention But that always got overlooked, swept under the rug and never mentioned But it was time for momma to take off a week this time maybe two We was young and tryna have fun ain't give a fuck about the rules Was pose to come straight home from school and not leave the house Went home got change went outside and got locked out DCF got involved and it became way to late We got split up while momma was property of the state Me and my brother got sent off but them years I won't mention Let us fast forward some to where life I really began living If you see my tears fall just let me be move along nothing to see! So a few years passed and momma came back around Thought things would change but in old sorrows we still drowned Though my gut said no my mind wished that things would change But reality is unless they're ready it'll always be the same So a homie started smoking and a homie started drinking Too young to comprehend life couldn't decipher what I was thinking Grandpa was the only adult I really felt was there for me Now that he's gone there nobody left to care but me But with these demons a piece of hope is snatched every time Then my uncle came around tryna help me find a peace within my mind It was a great thing old connections being restored He became like my best friend a bond that founder be ignored Till once day cancer came and grabbed him just like it did my grandpops From that point in all fucks given from me had stopped Gang banging throwing signs packing heat with my dawgs Just young lost nigga hurt not giving a fuck about the law A few near death experiences still not enough to change a nigga Just focused on the negatives keep overlooking the bigger picture Not knowing how to deal so from my problems I would run Couldn't turn to big bro cause he was dealing with the loss of his son Another set back feeling closed in by death Couldn't help but wonder who would be next Wishing it was me so I tried to take my own life But that didn't work cause I still made it thru them nights You see somewhere along the lines I fucked up So every fuck up after is payback that stains my good luck See these days it's hard to tell for me what's really in store I try to fight my demons but they're always inviting more To risk taking and bad decision making Im no stranger I love my life intentionally staring in the face of danger Most people would consider it a death wish But I'll be here with open arms when death hits If you see my tears fall just let me be move along nothing to see! Lost so much family a friends over the last couple years It's like every time I breath death is in the air I tried to escape but no matter where I went my troubled still followed me Went off to school but home troubles made it there to bother me You see momma's legal problem put us in a fucked up situation I took time off and figured hey when this is settled school will still be waiting You see she had warrants so couldn't get a job but that ain't stop the bills So I had to step up just leave it up to lil Marc Hill I had to do it but not her and not for me Had a lil sister who didn't need to see what I have seen So I worked bust my ass barely had money for my own But it's all good long as my siblings had a home But that wasn't enough so against my judgement I start selling dope My uncle probably turning in his grave still but I was loosing hope That's not what I strived for that's not what I planned to be I wanted to be better see that was never in my plans for me So I went back to honest work even though the success would the success would take longer But less risk harder work so the love and appreciation would be stronger But momma ain't like that cause it was less that she could take from me I bust my ass to make money she just holds her hand out faithfully Still stuck in a situation at home that causes anger Once again she tried to take my life stuck in danger Fed up with the situation took all that I could deal with So much hatred in me got me mad enough to kill shit Telling your children they should sell drugs was pretty much the peak of it 25 years of parenthood and you still prove to be unfit How do I set me free when the anchor weighting me down is family If you know me then you know family is high on my list of principalities Cole said there's no such thing as a life that's better than yours So how come from my life I couldn't get more Current state is heart break with a dose of heavy depression How do I let go of what means most to make it through the proper progression But sometimes you gotta do what's hardest because eventually I want to be happy So if you see my tears fall just let me be move along nothing to see!