Hello, my name is Marcus

Marcus Robinson is a stand up comedian. Having stumbled upon a fairly respectable and high-paying job, his comedy dreams have taken a back-seat to reality and, you know being responsible. Marcus still does standup comedy professionally, just not as often as he once did. To make up for the less-frequent adventures in standup, Marcus is hoping to be creative on a near daily basis here.

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Market research

I’m at a sports bar. Today I updated my Tinder profile. I’m with three bros from work. There is a well dressed, pretty blond lady at the bar alone. I decided to ask her what she thought of my new tinder profile. Best case scenario she thinks I’m alright. Worst case scenario, I don’t know she murders me?

So I just walk up and ask if I can take a few minutes of her time. She is nice and doesn’t protest or maybe she doesnt know what’s going on.

Turns out this lady is married (HUGE rock on her finger, how did I not see that?) and had only been with one person. So she doesn’t exactly know about tinder or online dating.

She did have a few good tips though, like to switch two pictures in my lineup and maybe add more details on certain spots.

When we went through the whole thing I thanked her and rejoined my bros. Mission accomplished.

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I try not to look up IMDb facts or anything when I’m typing. I like to see what I can remember.

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This is how I introduced myself to a nice lady on Tinder. I don’t have pickup lines. I don’t want to be crass, in fact I try to be polite. And memorable.

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An open letter to all the girls I've dated off the internet,

Dear miss,

First of all, I'm sorry. Sorry that I wasn't either what-you-were-expecting or what-you-were-looking-for. If I wasn't what-you-were-expecting, I hope it's not because my profile was dishonest or misleading. If I wasn't what-you-were-looking-for; I get that. I'm an acquired taste, kind of like an IPA. Also, I have a little more alcohol in me than normal so I'm kind of like an IPA there too. Haha. It might sound odd that I'm apologizing when YOU are the one who either didn't-text-back-ever or who-DID-text-back,-but-mainly-to-tell-ME-not-to-text-back, but I just kind of feel like it's probably my fault. Or the IPA's.

I hope that I haven't discouraged you from continued online dating. While I firmly believe that I am a better kind of guy than the average Joe on (insert dating website or app here), I am probably not up to your standards. I admit I have some baggage, and might leave a weird taste in your mouth. Not unlike an IPA. But I hope that your going out with me hasn't made you lose faith in your judgment; it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Or maybe you did and I didn't mention it; I'm pretty big like that. Besides it’s not like YOU don’t have baggage. I just never found out about it because you didn’t word-vomit all over me like I did; in hindsight, yeah sure I probably could have kept some of that stuff to myself; but I thought we were connecting. You probably would have found out eventually.

Please know that I'm a little bummed too, since you are some combination of pretty, smart, funny, and maybe even quirky. That's what sucks the most is that I thought you were pretty cool and I felt lucky to have gotten a chance to go out with you. But as it so often happens, it seems my luck has run out. Apparently, the more women get to know me, the less they want to have to do with me. Oh well, more IPA for me.

So where does that leave us? Well, I'm here. Alone. Probably on the same dating website. Don't worry I blocked you from showing up in my searches so I won't accidentally contact you again. And if I had your phone number, I deleted it and our text history so I won't purposefully (read: drunkenly) contact you again. That won't help anybody, especially me. Part of me would know what I did to get here so I can improve for the next time; but most of me can't take that level of criticism. At least not without a couple IPAs. Anyway, I hope that you don't dwell on our failed attempt to connect and you move on quickly. I'm not trying to say I made an impact; I'm trying to say I hope you don't use me as the new standard for terrible dates, because that would kind of suck (for me). Also, statistically you could do a lot worse than me. Just sayin’.

Enjoy your day, Marcus

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Episode 3 of my web series Learn the S&#t out of Excel.

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The second episode of my web series "Learn the S&#t out of Excel".

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Learn the S&#t out of Excel - Episode 1.

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Here’s just about every joke I wrote.

for some reason you have to open in a new window...

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A joke for dummies

I dated a ventriloquist once. We broke up because she refused to use her mouth.

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New Joke

I live with three female roommates so I have to knock whenever I go in their rooms.

I'll be like "Hey", *knock* *knock*, "are you naked?"

And when they say "No", I just leave.

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My new Match.com profile.

Dating online kind of sucks. I used to have 3 minutes on it. Maybe two. I'm on Match.com (again). Today I decided to change my profile...

Ok, I know this is going to sound weird, but I think someone knocked me out and locked me in my/their trunk... For some reason the only app that will load on my phone is the Match one, and for some other reason, the people at Match approved this instead of trying to help... I'm getting kind of hungry. When I'm not busy being locked in a trunk, I work in the IT field for a plasma biological company in Charlotte. I just moved here this month and am looking to meet new people. I consider myself laid back (look at me, not panicking in the back of someone's trunk (possibly my own)). I hope they let me out soon because I have some homework to do (I'm going back to school to get another degree (I have one in English Lit and I would like one in Computers)). I seriously can't believe I'm in here! I mean seriously. Some of it's coming back to me; there was a chase and somehow I got caught (I thought I would get away since I run 3-4 times a week and love obstacle courses / mud runs). It'd be really nice to get out of here soon, my legs are kind of getting cramped. It would be even nicer to meet a smart, pretty lady who stays in shape and shares a couple of interests with me. It'd be awesome if she was into Doctor Who or Zombie Movies, but it's not a requirement. I'm a former smoker, so it'd be great if she didn't smoke (anymore). I promise not to discriminate against those into Sports or Reality Television (I don't follow either) as long as you do the same for me. :) I'd really like to develop a social network in town, so if you would prefer to start as friends, I'm ok with that. As long as I get out of this trunk...

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Bad Batman

I realized today that I would not make a good superhero.

It makes sense, I don't have super strength or any super powers, really. But deep down I've always thought that if I were in a freak-electrical-storm-while-simultaneously-being-exposed-to-absurd-amounts-of-radiation-resulting-in-super-powers-kind-of-accident that I would make the best of the situation and be "worthy" of said powers.

This fantasy came crashing down around me about 10 minutes ago as I spent 6 minutes looking for chap stick in my house.

Three things became apparent to me.

1) Superheroes probably don't need chapstick; they have bigger fish to fry.

2) I have three or more tubes of chapstick in my house and I couldn't find ANY of them.

2.1) Superheroes are probably WAY more organized. Do you honestly think Batman ever misplaces the keys to the Batmobile? I can't count the number of times I've been a few minutes late because I can't find my sunglasses, my earbuds or something else. Now imagine looking the batarang or your Green Lantern Ring. No Bueno.

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So far, I am really enjoying Hasfit's ab workout routine. I've been doing a lot of work on my abs for the past 5 or six months; but I'm not seeing the results I want. It's likely I've plateaued; I'm very excited to see the results at the end of the 30 days.

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Performing at the Barley Street Tavern last night.

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Talking to Girls. Bananas

My problem with talking to girls is, I'm weird. You ask me a question about something and I'm probably going to have to tell you a story to make my answer make sense. For example; I don't' eat bananas. Can't stand them. Well have you even tried bananas, you're asking me in your head. Yes. Three times I have tried bananas. The first time was when I was a kid and my older sister CRAMMED a banana in my face trying to get me to eat it. All I remember is her GRINDING The thing into my face. So since then, no bananas ever again. Until I was in hawaii and my gf at the time said she was eating the best banana she'd ever have. If you're ever going to try bananas, this is the banana to try, she reasoned. Ok, I gave it a shot. Effing gross. Strike 2 bananas. Then recently I was trying a recipe I found online for home made protein bars. The recipe called for bananas. That's ok, I said to myself, the recipe will probably mask the flavor of the bananas, so it won't be like eating bananas at all; but I'll still get all the benefits of eating the bananas. I made the batch. Ate the first protein bar with no problem, although the banana flavor was a bit heavy. The next day I tried one; and ALL I COULD TASTE WAS BANANA. I threw them all in the trash. Strike 3 bananas. I'll never eat you again.

You see all that, that was a 2 minute story just to explain to you why I don't eat bananas. And it's like that for everything. I don't chew gum. I don't eat strawberries. If I turn in a circle to the right, I have to turn in a circle to the left. They're all stories I have to tell to explain why I'm so messed up. The only other option is to lie. Sure I love bananas. Or, I'm allergic to bananas

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I made this tonight. It took about 2 hours. I hope you enjoy.

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weekends

The weekend starts at 5 on Friday for most people; and people from offices always go to happy hour and start drinking. I work at home, so my weekend pretty much starts whenever I feel like it.4:00? 3:00? On Thursday.