“If the unexamined life was not worth living...”
I have never felt so numb after reading - no, not reading, experiencing - someone’s words. There’s a part of me that is in complete shock at the uncanny resemblance to my own life, and at the same time, I am so sad to think that no one else in this world knows what this feels like. No one except Paul Kalanithi. Not only did he express my struggles, to my very core, so eloquently, but he did so in a way that brought me to tears on almost every page.
There are some things I cannot even put into words nor have I come to terms with them, yet. There are feelings that have come to the surface and I never thought I’d have to face these emotions, let alone face them in my own solitude, at my desk at the office, or on my commute home, which I prolonged in order to avoid tough conversations. I read “When Breath Becomes Air” in less than 2 days. It was not because it was a relatively short book, nor was it because it was about topics of interest like neuroscience or the love between a husband and wife. I read it to face myself and challenge every aspect of my being, all at a coincidental, but pivotal, time in my life.
I wrote this 4 years ago - 2 years before “When Breath Becomes Air” was published.
“Our memories are moments that we retain in our minds, whether they are consciously or unconsciously embedded into our past. Nostalgia, however, is only that which we wish to relive - memories we don’t want to forget, “a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone.” There are moments we never want to forget, but then are those that we wish would rid us of our misery. And sometimes, they are, both, controllable or uncontrollable.
Our dreams are our visions of the future. We imagine, picture and hope for people, places and things. We, both consciously and unconsciously, work towards a life in which we can create certain types of memories with certain types of people in certain types of places, doing certain types of things. These are not guaranteed, but we can never stop wanting that which we may or may not have. And sometimes, they are, both, controllable or uncontrollable.
But the most fascinating thing about memories - our past - and dreams - our future - is that they both come from our minds. Our brains. Everything we were, everything we are and everything we will be is defined by our mind. It is defined by everything we have kept from our past, everything we do in our present, and everything we hope for in the future. We can try to separate our past and our future as much as we want, but keep in mind that both come from the same place. So don’t forget where you - your memories and dreams - both come from.”
It’s incredible to me that I was thinking about the significance of the brain and how it shapes everything about who we are presumably around the same time that Paul was experiencing everything he wrote about. When I was in the operating room at St. Michael’s Hospital and as I was spending early and late hours in the clinics/rounds, I thought about the same things and I started to define myself and create an identity that went beyond the words I studied, the surgeries I observed, the money I earned, or the degrees I received. I started understanding my purpose because science, by itself, was so limiting. Paul writes of this limitation as well:
“Science may provide the most useful way to organize empirical, reproducible data, but its power to do so is predicated on its inability to grasp the most central aspects of human life: hope, fear, love, hate, beauty, envy, honor, weakness, striving, suffering, virtue.”
But there was a sense of confusion and disconnect as I did this. I’ve been experiencing more than a few of these central aspects of human life over the past few months, but at an exponentially heightened level. I’ve come to face a lot of my insecurities in a short amount of time, but have realized how the impact has built over my entire life.
“When Breath Becomes Air” highlights the search for meaning that goes beyond individualism, education, career, faith, and even the concept of a “future”. All of this, and I mean absolutely all of this, brings to light my inner conflict of trying to make others so content with me, not through my actions towards them (although those were there, too), but through these manifestations. I always aimed to be someone my parents would be proud of, someone they can speak highly of, and someone they can rely on emotionally, financially, and even physically. I’ve tried to be there for them, and as a result, I’ve attached physically meaning to objects that are better suited for a spiritual purpose, and I’ve created a convoluted mess between my body, my brain, my heart and my soul. More recently, I’ve realized how this has translated into my initial intention to wear hijab, my intention to pursue a career in science, my intention to get married, and even all my choices that lead up to all those things. With that, came all the insecurities of my appearance, my weight, my intellect, the the perpetual fear of never being loved, never being “picked”, never a “priority”, and never having people put in as much effort into me as I put into them.
This book has shed a lot of light for me and it has been...heartbreaking. Heartbreaking for so many reasons, but mainly, it’s my sadness at how much I’ve sacrificed and how far I am from actualizing my true purpose in life. I am constantly striving to be something that I still fear I am not, and I can’t seem to put into words how it feels to believe that you’ve lost something that still isn’t yours, and potentially never will be.
