For a Professional Development course Iām taking right now I was tasked with finding a ātalking pieceā. This is something that the students in my classroom would pass around and hold when it is their turn to talk during restorative circles. Our instructor asked us to pick something that has a story or value to us. Itās important that it has significance so the students treat it respectfully, treat talking turns respectfully, and authentically share in the emotional practice.
I feel like my home is entirely made up of things that hold my emotions and values. Art covers my walls, many prints bought, but many pieces handmade by myself and my friends. Pictures and more trinkets on the shelves that speak to who I am directly. Yet none of it was appropriate for a talking piece. I was so surprised that me of all people lacked a talking piece. Arenāt I a sentimental, nostalgic, magic-meaning-making person?
Then I remembered this little thing. I suppose it is a tea light holder, ācause I put a tea light in it. I made it with my best friend, Sara. She showed me how to use the pottery wheel, and I fought my way with the clay until I came up with this little object. After I made it, I immediately forgot about its existence. Sara glazed and fired it for me and then months later showed up at my house with it.
She opened her hands and held it out to me. I must have looked confused- I didnāt recognize it. She then proclaimed āyou made this!ā It looked so different now that is was glazed and fired. I couldnāt believe it that it actually resembled a normal, usable object. A rush of pain and beauty, mixed together, came over me. There must be a word for that, but I donāt know it. As I was processing the feeling she spoke again ānow you can see that even in one of the worst moments of your life, you can do something, you made something!ā
The part I left out of this story so far is that the entire time I used the pottery wheel that day I was sobbing. Tears were streaming directly out of my eyes and ontoā¦intoā¦the slimy clay below. There was no stopping it. A days-old break up that shattered my entire existence, seemingly, had made me a hollowed out version of myself. I had never felt so broken and it was scary. I hadnāt eaten for days. My sister tried to get me to eat strawberries at her kitchen table, more sustenance I denied, and said to me āthis is worrisome. If you canāt handle this how are you going to handle more hard things in life?ā I completely agreed.
After pulling up this little tea candle holder out of nothing but tear-soaked clay and pure sadness Sara and I went to the grocery store. I was starving but as per my anxiety, still couldnāt figure out what I could stomach. We walked around trying to find anything. Finally I saw a Boston Cream Cake. I verbalized that it was a weird choice but Sara said āYes! This is perfect!ā And so we bought it, and I finally put food into my body. I didnāt realize it then, but making that little object grounded me just enough to move on one half of a centimeter that day.
This story feels both sad and happy. Obviously I would leave out most of the details and simplify it for my young students. Something like āso one day I was feeling very sad, the most sad Iād felt in a long time. My best friend took me to a ceramics studio to try to make pottery. Even though I was upset, I made this little tea light holder. Using the pottery wheel and clay for the first time felt very difficult, but I did it! It made me feel the tiniest bit better. I love having it as a reminder that I can do hard things, and something beautiful can happen even when I feel sad. When we share in our circles, we can be honest about our feelings. We can feel a lot of things at once, and sometimes it may not even make sense, but thatās okay! So when we hold this we will share what we feel comfortable sharing, knowing this is a safe space. When we arenāt holding it, we will listen to others, offering space for others to feel safe.ā
I love the emotional teaching this small object holds. Good and bad, sad and happy, tragic and beautiful- the positive canāt exist without the negative. If we try to feel only the positive while ignoring the negative the positive will be so dim and weak and dull. It wonāt bear witness to all that came before it, and so, it wonāt be whole. It can never be a tiny, usable, object, that can hold a hopeful light.
Ending on quotations is sometimes the only way to end, in order to save us from many more paragraphs of my philosophical rants. Here are some of the most important words Iāve found so far in life. These words guided me through that tough time.
āIāve been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and Iāve never let it keep me from from doing a single thing I wanted to do.ā -Georgia OāKeeffe
āLet everything happen to you- beauty and terror, just keep going, no feeling is final.ā -Rainer Maria Rilke
