you've never been easy @marigold-morning - Tumblr Blog

hiiii :3 let's play a game in which i try as hard as possible to convince you that i'm real!

if you don't want to play my game, you can also go to @cynosure-refrain [thumbs up emoji] maybe i'll be there maybe i won't

whao...... <- girl who might be discovering she really likes music

#mari.txt #guys. is music really good actually???#i'm listening to the radio. to be clear.#but soon i'll be home and THEN. i'll have a whole Playlist of music for meeeeee #i should make playlists for everyone.... owen deserves some maisie peters.

Like a calico critter doll maybe

okay so i did immediately go "🥺 ;-; ?? !!!" what if i was a calico critter doll ;-; .... would you be nice to me......

#mari.mail #i'm not dead!! i didn't die when sparrow showed up!!#i think we're watching a movie?

i'm like if a dog was also a doll. "those seem like pretty conflicting aesthetics" yeah that's why i'm bad at embodying either <3 the best i can do for you is a long grey skirt and sometimes i bark a lil

#mari.txt

i miss sparrow? this is maybe a little mean of me but i didn't think that would happen. feels like it's usually around So Much

#mari.txt #hey sparrow if you're seeing this sorryyyyyy

[pronoun deliberately excluded] been thinking about... the tendency to assume all the ~bad feelings are someone else. it's sparrow's fault unless it's lark's fault unless it's sparrow's fault again unless it's palis unless it's owen unless it's etcetc. on one hand, we're using this framework (as opposed to something like "we're actually oke person just with a lot of dissociation") because it genuinely facilitates more... ~self-reflective + gentle approaches to managing ourselves and having someone else to point at and go "oh this is from you and not me" Is Helpful. on the other hand... doing this kinda projection onto anyone else, like outside the system? i do think most if not all of us would balk at that idea. rules are different when there's a shared body+mind i guess. surprise third hand: i do know about the ~anxiety management technique that's like "treat your anxiety like a scared friend/pet/kid" and yes, [sidebar about intentionally expansive definitions for certain terminology and the ~constructedness of categories of Brains Stuff and how it's Completely Allowed for lines between these types of boxes to blur], but it is a little doubt-inducing, isn't it? am i/are the others just Anxiety Management with extra steps? admittedly i'm very firmly on "i'm marigold!!" mode so not as doubting as i Could be but this was Not the case over the past few days/week.

#mari.txt

woof woof woof woof and also: mrrrrow :3

#mari.txt #am i a dog? am i a cat? i'm a pet that needs collaring :3 #i want a collar... i want my bracelet.....#apparently 'i could be marigold' is enough to Be marigold :p

I'm curious what your bracelet looks like! I got a bunch of beads and string recently and I've been thinking a lot about Accessories

made this way back in high school! didn't wear it for a looong long time but it has a use now :)

#mari.mail

the fun thing about putting on a bracelet when i'm . Me. is that i get to look at it lying there on the table and go "wow, that's my corpse :)"

#mari.txt #i wonder if it would help the others if they had a Characteristic Accessory #hm. existing in this body still feels kinda. bad.#oh well! gmorninggggggg

oh here i go thinking myself all bright and clever and capable and i am! sometimes! but sometimes i'm tired and i'm no one except, sort of, myself and i think what even is the point of anything when i don't . have anyone to talk to and i don't have anyone to help.

#mari.txt

marigold-morning

it Is really funny because i do remember last night/this morning and i don't really care? i guess it's not helpful to say i don't care. people probably find that upsetting. but it's like a switch flipping! i'm just Not afraid+guilty. i should be putting this in the journal probably but then what would i put on this blog :(

marigold-morning

okay so a thought for the class: do we think maybe if i am constantly saying "i don't care about those things i felt earlier" perhaps this contributes to the whole [oh my god no one thinks i'm real or cares that i'm upset ever] thing

it Is really funny because i do remember last night/this morning and i don't really care? i guess it's not helpful to say i don't care. people probably find that upsetting. but it's like a switch flipping! i'm just Not afraid+guilty. i should be putting this in the journal probably but then what would i put on this blog :(

#mari.txt #haha. switch flipping. like--

this is actually secretly brainstorming though. for evil (fun) purposes >:3 like okay suppose half your self is, according to all available evidence, somewhere inside you and you can't reach them! how do we sharpen this idea? how do you talk to them? what happens if you introduce vampirism about it? is it more interesting to create a separate self? is it more interesting to put on masks that you'll never take off?

#mari.txt #is this boring? i feel like this might be boring.#nothing really compares to the sheer condensed unidentified ocd+plurality bullshit represented by i fumbled toward grace

AND ANOTHER THING while i'm complaining! picking pronouns is soo hard >:/ like "i" isn't quite right, but "we" isn't really it either (we/i have a rule about not speaking on others' behalf as much as possible from like, elementary school, and we COULD just break that rule but :( that's not a comfortable idea. even though we're breaking allllll the other rules.) and i& feels off, as does we+ or i+ or other [append a symbol to the pronoun] options >:/

#mari.txt #hmph!

my webapge :3 https://sparrowlark.neocities.org/marigolds_room/ perpetually unfinished but i'm very happy with it :3

#mari.txt #someday pokeshrine.... i'll come back to you.....

it's all very well and good that things are bit more stable ~internally and we've resolved to climb out of hell or what have you but SOMEONE still has to be responsible and Do Things and apparently it has to be me! just because we put on marigolds by raynes >://

#mari.txt #and maybe there will be another sideblog #i don't even get to work on my fun little webpage i gotta COLLECT NOTES and things!#someday i'll get to work on my webpage again. i should link it at some point. perhaps even right now

Uhhh questions questions, hard to think of any when we don't know a ton about you? Tell us about yourself, I guess! Whatever you like, can be more in-depth or just random fun facts (like your favorite color)!

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO GUESS MY FAVOURITE COLOUR. [points at my whole blog]

ummm. this is hard for me too. what do i even know about myself!! i like making pretty little spaces on the internet! i'm fond of pokemon and bright warm colours and vampires and the artist House Phone (terrible seo on that one though)! i like dolls. goldie got me* one a little while ago, ball-jointed from a blind box, and i don't even know if he's going to come back so i can thank him :(

#mari.mail #sometimes it feels like no one sticks around and it makes me worry you know?#so i'm gonna make all these little corners of the internet mine! no one can deny i was here as long as the things i made still stand!

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you've never been easy