Self-Betrayal Can Destroy Your Employment Opportunities
In author Steve Matter’s book, Get Noticed & Get Hired, there’s an insightful, thought-provoking chapter titled, Coping With the Emotional Roller Coaster of Unemployment. Steve describes the emotional upheaval we go through when finding ourselves suddenly unemployed. As a writer, speaker and trainer, I’ve dedicated the last 15 years to developing and delivering training programs that focus on the brain science of human behavior and how to harness the brain to achieve success and happiness.
While unemployment can certainly be an emotional rollercoaster, we can make it much worse when we engage in self-betrayal. This practice not only intensifies our mental and emotional struggles, it also greatly diminishes our chances of securing the employment opportunities we desire most. Most individuals who engage in self-betrayal are largely unaware of this tendency or the disadvantages it creates.
Your Best Friend
Imagine your best friend begins consistently berating you, verbally beating you up, and acting without even the least amount of compassion or understanding towards your weaknesses and mistakes. How long would you put up with this incessant abuse? With that thought in mind, bear with me while I take you through a simple, yet powerful exercise.
On a sheet of paper, your computer, tablet or smart phone, take a moment and list the names of three people you consider to be your best friends. Next to each name, list the three most important qualities each possesses—the qualities you consider to be essential in a “best friend.” Now ask yourself this question—“Does my name appear on my list of best friends?”
Have you ever thought of yourself as your own best friend? If not, why not? If you’re not completely loyal and committed to yourself, how can you expect to be truly successful and happy? Now consider the qualities you identified as most important in a best friend. Are these the qualities you demonstrate toward yourself? To be a best friend takes tolerance and patience because no one is perfect. It takes forgiveness. It takes deep commitment and loyalty. It takes not being critical, but being understanding and supportive.
If you have not been a best friend to yourself, it’s time to change! Commit to yourself; develop a loyal friendship with yourself beginning today! If you’re not for you, how can you expect a potential employer to be? It’s unreasonable to expect or hope that someone else is willing to do something you yourself are not willing to do. If you expect someone else to value and appreciate your talents, abilities and true worth, you must be willing to do that for yourself first. It all starts with you! You will find that when you are fiercely loyal and a true friend to yourself, others will follow. When is the last time you were kind to yourself? Supported and forgave yourself? Gave yourself a pep talk? If you haven’t been a best friend to yourself, you’ve been betraying yourself. And self-betrayal will create an enormous barrier as you seek the best employment/business opportunities.
Are You Engaging in Self-Betrayal?
From the following list, select all of the ways you’ve been betraying yourself. I strongly recommend that you enlist the help of someone who knows you well for this exercise. A spouse, parent, sibling or friend can help you recognize some of your tendencies toward self-betrayal:
- I revisit past mistakes and beat myself up over them.
- I worry about what others think of me and allow this to influence my sense of worth and how I feel about myself.
- I compare myself to others with thoughts like, “I’m not as good, talented, worthy, successful or attractive as that person.”
- I fear that if anyone ever finds out about the “real me” that I am inside, they could never love or accept me.
- I tend to be pessimistic and negative about my own future and whether I can have real success. Sometimes I think, “Good things like that don’t happen to people like me.”
- I fall into the thought trap of “That’s just the way I am. I’ll never really change.”
- I tend to be hard on myself—unforgiving, self-criticizing, strict, over-demanding.
- I have a hard time “sticking up” for myself—I tend to be a doormat and allow others to take advantage of me.
How did you do? If you’re like almost everyone, you have some tendencies toward self-betrayal. They key is to focus on treating yourself with consideration, acceptance, tolerance, patience and forgiveness. Celebrate the good and forgive the bad. See yourself in a new light—that you are simply a human being. You don’t have to be better than others and who you are in this moment is sufficient for this moment. Of course there are things you want to change in yourself and improve—we all do! But, we can and must love and be fiercely loyal to ourselves just as we are right now. You must avoid the trap of, “When I have changed _______,” or “When I achieve ________,” then I’ll be worthwhile; then I can start accepting and loving myself.”
This is NOT the way you would treat a dear friend—you would love them unconditionally for who they are and then encourage and support them in making progress toward their goals and dreams. You must do the same for yourself! You must be your own “best friend”! Love yourself unconditionally. Accept yourself for who you are. Stop judging and criticizing yourself. Be kind, gentle, understanding, patient and fiercely loyal to yourself! Strive to do this, and I guarantee that your attitude, energy and persona will magnetically attract the employment opportunities that are right for you.
How’s Your Self-Talk?
One of the most revealing tests of your self-loyalty is your own internal self-talk. Over your lifetime the voice you hear the most is your own. This is the voice that is most familiar to you. It’s also the voice that you consider to be the most credible—you believe your own voice more than anyone else's. This is why what you say to yourself is so critical! Studies show that your self-talk dramatically increases mental force and the activation of specific mental models in your brain. Every day people reinforce and perpetuate negative mental models and habits through their negative self-talk.
I suggest that in your search for the best employment and business opportunities, your internal dialogue will have a dramatic impact on your success or failure. Here’s a simple little tool that you can use to reform your self-talk and help eliminate any self-betrayal tendencies you might have. It’s called “Change the Channel”—
1. On a 3x5 card, your organizer or smart phone, make a list of your gifts, talents and outstanding qualities. If you can’t think of many, then imagine your “ideal self” and then make the list.
2. Next, think of a time where you were extremely proud of yourself, or simply imagine doing something honorable, successful, etc. Write a brief description of the experience, one that will “get you into the mental and emotional space.”
3. Now, carrying the list and description with you, each time you notice a negative thought about yourself, or find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, immediately challenge this self-betrayal and “change the channel” by focusing intently on what you have written.
Never discount the power of your self-talk, positive or negative. Realize that how you see and dialogue with yourself is not based on pure reality, but rather on a lifetime of consistent internal dialogue. Change the way you talk to yourself, and you will change, and so will your opportunities.
Last of all, please don’t underestimate the power of self-loyalty and positive self-talk. Though they may appear to be ethereal issues, they are directly related to your happiness and success. Be a fiercely loyal, best friend to yourself and watch your life improve! And don’t be surprised when, as a natural outcome of these simple principles and practices, the doors of opportunity swing wide open, and you get noticed and hired!
