It was a huge milestone of scientific and technological advancement. (Plus, at the time, politically significant). Humanity went to space! We set foot on a celestial body that was not earth for the first time in human history! That’s a big deal! I’ve never thought about it before but now that I have, it’s ridiculous to me that that’s not part of our everyday lives and the public consciousness anymore. Why don’t we have a public holiday and a family barbecue about it. Why have I never seen the original broadcast of the moon landing? It should be all over the news every year!
It’s July 20th. That’s the day of the moon landing. Next year is going to be the 54th anniversary. I’m ordering astronaut shaped cookie cutters on Etsy and I’m going to have a goddamn potluck. You’re all invited.
PITCH: We call it Moon Day, and then every 7 years when it falls on a Monday, that's an even BIGGER deal and we call that Moon Day Monday and go absolutely apeshit about it (the next Moon Day Monday is in 2026 so we have a couple trial runs first)
“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat
I dreamt that Steve and Eddie were in a relationship with different people, and they all got invited to the same party, and the boys found out their partner was cheating on em with the other person's partner, so Steddie hooked up at the party (Steve was top) 😌
Breeding Kink!Santiago Garcia x Not Ready for Kids!Reader
santiago garcia masterlist | main masterlist
Notes: Reader is younger than Santiago, with a body that is able to produce a child. Gender is your choice. Slight mention of hair, but nothing really exclusive.
These are headcanons that morphed into a story and I'm too lazy fix the prose at this point, enjoy. wc: 2.8k
cw: breeding kink, obviously, talk of pregnancy, characters want 2 different things but there is NO ANGST (a rare treat from me), food, established relationship, dirty talk, talk about protected/unprotected sex, fingering, hand job, oral - f. rec., bit of protected and unprotected p in v, creampie
Breeding Kink!Santiago, who knows you’re not ready for kids, at least not yet.
Who knows you use birth control, and that you’ve used condoms during your two years and seven months together.
Who knows you might not ever be ready to marry. He isn’t so sure about marriage himself.
But he just can’t help himself.
When you crawl on top of him during a movie, grind against him, so eager, the movie's plot forgotten, he loses his mind.
You're younger than him, you have your whole life in front of you. Half the time he wonders why you're even with him.
The sex is good, he's sure about that. He knows he can take care of you and make you scream his name.
But sometimes, when you're moving around the kitchen making breakfast, humming to yourself, he sees it.
The image of you in your favorite robe, so soft and worn, untied over a t-shirt or tank top and the boxers you like to sleep in. You shuffle around in your cute fluffy slippers, so adorable, but he thinks...
what if your tummy swelled with his baby, and poked adorably out of your robe?
What if he eased in behind you, humming along as he slipped his arms around you and felt the shape of his baby growing inside you?
What would it be like to make a baby with you - to skip the condoms, to stare into your eyes, knowing this could be the time - to make sure to come inside you -to fill you up and make your body change because of what he fucked into you?
What would it be like when you told him? Could you ever want this the way he does?
He can only imagine you feeling sick. He would feel terrible, but would jump at the chance to take care of you, to bring you snacks or hold your hair back if that's what you needed.
He would spoil you and pamper you and let you whine and boss him around, treating you like royalty, making you comfortable while your body changed and formed around this baby.
What would it be like when you started telling people that you created a life together, that someone, something in this world would bond you together forever, something beyond your love, a product of your love?
He could only imagine how it would feel to watch your body start to change. Your breasts would get bigger and might even be sore. You would probably roll your eyes every time he stared at them, and swat his hand away if he felt you up too eagerly or sucked your nipples too hard. Then again, maybe it would feel good for you if he sucked your nipples.
Then your belly would grow. You would eventually show - your sweet tummy would peek out of your clothes, making t-shirts go tight. When he took you out somewhere and held your hand, everyone would see that you were his, that he put his baby in you and it was changing you and making you round and full of life, full of something uniquely both of you.
Eventually, he would fuck you like that, hands around your swollen belly, maybe from behind, working his hips into you, feeling you all over. Maybe you would go through a phase where you wanted it more, where you needed him, craved him. Perhaps the opposite would happen. Maybe you would pout and whine and push him away and damn if that wouldn't make him want you more.
He would feel the baby kick - you would feel it together. And you would grow and change and he would give you anything and everything you wanted in the world.
As you straddle his lap, grinding against his erection, he grips your hips, moving you urgently.
"Take these off," he murmurs, yanking at your pants. "Want you right now."
"Okay, slow down," you breathlessly laugh, working with him to get you half naked. "We have to get more condoms tomorrow, remember? Wanna just fool around?"
"...fuck, I want you," he whines. And you can count on two fingers the number of times Santiago has whined, this being one of them.
"You can have me." You promise, nibbling on his lips. "Want me to suck you off first?"
Tempting but... "I think I have one in my wallet. Let's go to the bedroom."
He drags you, half-naked, down the hall to your bedroom, licking his lips as you shed your t-shirt and sports bra. He thumbs through his wallet, groaning as he realizes he might truly be out of condoms.
Cursing in Spanish, he pushes down his pants and flings his own t-shirt aside. "No condom," he tells you.
"Don't be mad," you say softly, placing your palms on his bare chest. "We have to be safe."
"I know, I know. I just want to fuck you. Wanna feel you. I need to." He kisses you hungrily, hands roaming all over your body.
"What has gotten into you, baby?"
What's he supposed to say? That while you were making out with him on the couch, he was fantasizing about knocking you up? About how your body would change because of what he would do to you?
Even now, the thought of it consumes him. He's pushed it down for a long time, but something snapped in him after his sister visited last weekend, with his sweet little niece and nephew in tow.
His niece is four and you and Santiago have always had fun playing with her, but when he saw you hold his baby nephew, it stole his breath away. The way your face lit up as you smiled down at him, cradling him gently and humming the way you liked to do.
From that very second, all he wanted to do was put a baby in you.
"Sorry, just...fucking want you bad tonight, mi cielo. Sorry." He shakes his head, smiling and rolling his eyes at himself. "My fault. Lay down. I wanna eat you out."
Eyes narrowing curiously, you nod, scooting back on the mattress and lying down flat. Santi climbs in over you, laying half on his side, so his knees won't hurt. He presses his mouth hotly to yours, tracing his fingers up the inside of your thigh until he sinks them hard and heavy into your wet heat.
"Oh fuck," you pant, breaking the kiss. As promised, he nibbles and sucks and licks and kisses a trail down your body, with hot, open-mouthed kisses down your throat, wet, desperate sucking of your nipples, nibbles across the smooth, soft parts of your stomach, and finally, he licks rough and hard at your cunt.
"Holy shit, Santi, that's good." Your hips shift against his mouth as you twist your eager fingers into his salt and pepper curls. "It's so good, baby."
All the intensity building inside him, making him want to breed you, he pours into pleasing you now, rubbing you with his tongue and sucking exactly how you like.
You pat his side. “Turn around and I'll suck you. We can come together."
He wants that. Wants it so bad, but as he pulls away and gazes down at you, your mouth parted and panting, tits heaving as you gasp for air, your body wet and ripe and hungry for him, he has to slam his eyes shut to get his bearings.
"Baby?" You whisper, reaching for his cheek.
"Sorry. Sorry," he shakes his head. "Let me just..." He lowers his head, as if ready to continue making you lose your mind with his mouth, but something is distracting him.
"Hey, come here." You coax him down beside you, wrapping your arms around him and kissing his cheek. "You want me bad, huh?"
He grins, laughing out breathlessly. "Yeah. I really fucking do. But...you know, boundaries. I'm sorry."
"Baby," you whisper, kissing him temptingly. "I know we try to be careful. With me going back for my master's degree so I can switch careers..."
"I know," he nods, staring into your eyes. "I know we have to be careful."
"But..." you go on, lingering long enough for his heart to catch in his throat, "I mean, I am on birth control. Skipping a condom just one time should probably be-"
He surges forward, silencing you with a searing kiss. Suddenly, he's everywhere at once, hands flying, crowding in close, and before you can blink, you feel the slick, heavy tip of his dick nudging at your hole.
"Stop me right now or I will. I want to." He meets your eyes. "But I love you. I'll stop."
"Santi, you act like you want to put a baby in me-umph!"
He sinks into you deep and heavy, groaning out something orgasmic. The corded muscles of his neck and chest flex and tense as he pants against your mouth.
"Fuck...say that again," he moans, working into you with desperate, consuming thrusts. "Say it, say it."
God, he's never been so eager with you, so hungry. Your thighs fall open as you claw at his shoulders, trying to meet his thrusts, to give him something back. But you can barely think straight, he feels so fucking good, raw inside you for the first time.
"Say...what...?” you pant. "Shit...Santi, you feel good in me like this. It's so good, I like you like this in me, baby."
You know there's the tiniest chance you could get pregnant even on birth control. That's why you and Santi are always so careful, using condoms and you even track your ovulation. Thankfully, today is not one of those days, but still...
"I'm gonna fill you up so good," he growls, pushing your thigh up and spreading you open further. "It's gonna drip out of you and then I'm gonna push it right back in."
You assumed he wouldn't come inside you, and you know he would stop in an instant if you said the word, but seeing him like this, wrecked and wanting, with sweat pooling in the curls over his forehead, his eyes screwed shut in ecstasy, his beautiful, broad hips sinking into you with wild abandon, despite how his knees might pay for it later…
you want to give him this. You want him to come inside you. You need to know how warm and wet it would feel. It's something you've never shared with anyone and god, you want it.
But...you just aren't ready for a baby. Your career is not what you hoped for, you have school, you're still young. Young enough, anyway. You and Santiago haven't even discussed starting a family.
"Wait," you pant, pushing gently against his shoulders. "Wait, sorry, slow down, one sec, okay?"
"Yeah...yeah," he gasps, bringing his hips to a halt, his eyes flying open and blowing wide with guilt. Now you would know. You would realize how much he wants to give you a baby.
"Tell me what you want," you beg him, lacing your fingers together as his cock goes still inside you. "Tell me the truth."
He swallows hard. "I wanna fuck you raw."
He feels your cunt clench when he talks to you like that.
"And?" You manage, breathlessly.
"I wanna come inside you. Fill you up."
You throw him a bone. "I want that too."
"Fuck," he hisses, thrusting into you once and then stopping himeslf. "But I know you're not ready...you know..." he attempts to conclude the conversation.
"I'm not ready for a baby."
When you say that word, he actually moans. Oh shit.
"But...you are." It hits you like a ton of bricks. The way he stared at you whenever you held his baby nephew. The way he oh so casually wandered by the baby aisle at the store, commenting on the cute, sporty onesies. The way he wanted to fuck without a condom and the way even the mention of a baby makes him lose it.
"I love you," he tells you, almost pitifully. "That's all that matters." He pulls out of you, but you can tell how much he doesn't want to. "We can fool around. It's okay."
You surge forward and kiss him, swapping places with him until you are on top and he's resting on the mattress gazing up at you.
"You want a baby?" You ask him tenderly, with no trace of mocking or guile in your voice. "Or...you just want to breed me?"
"Fucking hell," he groans, his arm flopping over his eyes. "Don't say that shit to me. I can't take it."
"Yes you can," you tell him, easing down beside him. You kiss his neck and breathe on his ear while your hand wraps around his dick.
"We can still be careful even if you want to put a baby in me," you murmur, stroking him the way he likes, working up and down his length, slick from his brief time inside you. "Is that what you want? You want to knock me up?"
"Jesus," he whines, hips snapping up to fuck into your fist. “Say it again.”
"It's okay to want it," you tell him. "It's okay to think about filling me up - coming inside me. It would feel so good if you did.”
"...fuck...yes." He groans.
You lick your lips at the way his broad hips thrust so heavy and hard. You can imagine yourself on top of him, feeling him spear you open. You work him faster, slipping one hand between his legs to toy with his balls. "Tell me again what you want."
He moans out your name, brokenly, the muscles of his neck straining as he holds himself back, even now.
Your hand goes still.
"No, no, don't stop," he begs - a rare thing for him. It sounds good.
"Tell me," you repeat, teasing his dick with your fingertips.
"I did," he pants, a sound of pleasure mixed with relief rumbling in the expanse of his chest as you suck on his neck and keep jerking him. "You want me to say it again?"
"You want to fuck me raw," you breathe lowly, against his ear.
"Yeah..."
"You want to come inside me."
"Unhh...fuck..yes."
He's close. Sweat beads on his forehead as his muscles go unbearably tight in his neck, his chest, his arms. Even his heels dig into the mattress as he pushes back against your grip, thrusting.
"You want to fill me up, push your cum back inside me. Make a mess of me."
"Shit, shit, I'm close, baby."
"I know," you purr, very satisfied with yourself for having this kind of power over a man who is typically ruining you on a tri-weekly basis, sometimes more often.
Watching him fuck your fist and moan and writhe under your touch has created a waterfall between your legs - one you cannot wait for him to pay attention to.
"You want to put a baby in me?" You can't even get through the question before he spurts all over your hand, coating it until it's dripping onto his bare stomach.
You watch his face twist in pleasure. You kiss and touch and take him through it, feeling like you've unlocked a new level of Santi.
His eyes stay closed for a while longer than usual. You curl up close and let him come back to himself as slowly as he wants.
"Shit, that was good," he finally manages. His eyes drift open and search for yours. His heart burns for you like never before. He showed you a piece of himself and you took it in stride. Well, not literally, but you met him right where he was and let him enjoy it - didn't judge him for it.
Better not get ahead of himself and start wanting to marry you. "Hey, do you want some ice cream?"
You laugh, swatting his chest playfully. "You are so weird. I am drenched over here, by the way. I don't want ice cream unless you are going to treat me like the ice cream cone."
"I can do that," he murmurs against your mouth, rolling you over and kissing you deeply. "When we're done though, I really need to go to the store and get some ice cream. And condoms."
Your eyebrows shoot up. "I love that plan, actually. Let's go."
An hour later, you're back in bed, ice cream bowls stashed in the kitchen sink. Santiago pushes deep inside you and if feels so good you know you won't last long.
"I love you." His words are tender although his body isn't. Fine by you. You've been waiting all night for this.
You stare into his eyes, knowing tonight was a win. "I love you. I'll be ready someday."
He cradles you close, slowing his pace, kissing you hungrily. "You know, you talk a good game. Can we do that again?"
"Yeah," you tease, and just to get a rise out of him, you add, "Knock me up."
Summary: Transcript of episode 5 of Nathan Bateman's podcast, Trash Talk. (18+, very assorted sexual nonsense, and serious talk about the deaths of these characters, ~3.2k)
:: episode 8 here :: Trash Talk Masterlist ::
---
**Intro Music Fades Out**
Nathan: Welcome, to Trash Talk, a podcast about sex. What we like and why we like it. Part of the Blue Book network of entertainment.
Today’s topic is up to you.
I’ve warped reality to bring you our panel of distinguished, insane, very weird guests.
Let’s jump right in with something heavy. This one comes to us from an anonymous listener:
Hey Nathan! Long time Listener, first time submitter. In this day and age, there are a million people selling their ideas on masculinity. What do you guys think? What does it mean to be a MAN?
*silence*
Nathan: Now you’re all quiet? Before we started recording, none of you would shut the fuck up. Anselm? You never stop talking, what do you think?
Anselm: I think it’s as my Oma said, “Man muss die Dinge nehmen, wie sie kommen.”
Leto: Take things as they come.
Anselm: Precisely. I’ve made a habit of always taking things as they come, or taking come, or people coming. Scrutinizing someone about their gender is a tremendous waste of time.
Cecil: I love to get high and cry. My stepdad said that’s not manly…
William: Hey, I can tell you from experience, the men who tell you what’s ‘manly’ are usually psychopaths. They’re empty monsters and they want to turn you into one too. Don’t let them. It’s a road that’s really hard to get off of.
Richard: Focus on being human, not just a man. That means taking care of yourself, and the people you love.
Cecil: Yeah… okay… so, like, I should leave the waitress a tip at the Mexican place because she’s really nice and let me back in the restaurant, even though I almost burned the place down with my homemade flame thrower?
Richard: … … … yes.
Cecil: I wasn’t leaving her a tip because we had sex once and I don’t think you’re supposed to tip someone you’ve slept with. That’s like, etiquette.
Steven: I don’t think that’s how it works, mate. Just, um, if she’s into it, do the gentlemanly thing, but not like, in a misogynist way. If she doesn’t want you to open doors for her, then let her open the door for you.
Cecil: Huh?But she already works at the restaurant. She’s already inside. Open what door? I’m confused.
Nathan: You’re hopeless.
Leto: Start with the basics, Cecil. Pay attention when she talks, be honest about your emotions, and never cheat on her.
Cecil: I’m not that good at any of those.
Leto: I think there’s hope for you Cecil.
Cecil: *sounding truly touched* Thank you. That’s really cool coming from you. You’re my hair idol, and like, a man I want to be like.
Nathan: Anyone who kisses Leto’s ass is booted. Did I not say that before we started the record?
Cecil: See? That sounds manly, Nathan. You say something and shit gets done. I want that kind of authority.
Nathan: What you don’t have in authority, you make up for by bringing really really good weed.
Anselm: Everyone’s strengths are different, Cecil. You’re an adorable drug dealer, and handy with a gun.
Steven: A gun?
Anselm: Cecil here isn’t as timid as he seems, trust me. Made an absolute massacre of revenge at a sad little wedding in the town where we live.
Steven: I dunno if that’s manly, but it is fairly terrifying.
Nathan: Steven, here’s another listener question. What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
Steven: Come on, Nathan. I can’t go telling everyone that. She might be listening. I don’t wanna be rude.
Jake: I’ll tell it. Steven had sex at the Bronx Zoo.
Steven: Jake, you absolute wanker.
Marc: Yeah, that’s not even the most interesting part. They started making out in the reptile house and he had his hand down her pants in all the dark rooms.
Steven: If we’re spilling secrets, I’m telling everyone that you summoned my batons so some woman could fuck you with ‘em.
Marc: Jake lost a costume mustache in some guy’s ass once.
Nathan: In?
Cecil: I had sex in a Bucee Beaver costume. Actually, we were both wearing them.
Poe: Who’s Bucee Beaver?
William: His name’s not actually Bucee, but he is a beaver. It’s the mascot of a truck stop. Really famous in America.
Poe: I didn’t understand most of those words. Like, almost none of them. My most memorable experience was sleeping with a being that had two consciousness. Consciousnesses? They were in two places at once.
Anselm: Like, your mouth and your ass?
Poe: No, one body was having sex with me and the other was downstairs cooking lunch. Then, the body I was with got tired, so they swapped, but it was still the same person.
Steven: You weren’t tired too?
Poe: Yeah, but it wasn’t like I was going to stop. I had a whole other body to satisfy.
Marc: My ex and I did it inside a pyramid once.
Steven: Excuse me? Why didn’t you share that little story before?
Marc: You wouldn’t approve, trust me. Plus, you only wanted to hear about the wedding night.
Steven: *dreamy voice* I love those stories. The only time I’ve ever known you to be romantic.
Nathan: That’s a great segue actually. On the topic of romance, an anonymous caller wants to know: what’s your perfect way to meet someone? What’s your approach?
As far as how I approach a woman, I’m famous and a billionaire.
But, I also live alone in the middle of nowhere. The only people I fly out here work for me. I don’t have a problem mixing work and sex, but some people make it complicated. I think it’s convenient.
For the right woman, though, I’d stop building vaginas into the female models.
Basil? What about you? Living in the city, young, you must meet interesting people.
Basil: I don't get out much. I don't really talk to except for Basil. Not me, Basil. The stuffed monkey, Basil.
Nathan: I hope that's not your opening line.
Basil: I never leave my apartment actually. Not since this happened to my face.
Santiago: Women love scars, man. You've got that mysterious thing going on.
Basil: You think?
Santiago: You'd be surprised. If you let yourself get out there, you'd definitely do very well.
Basil: Sometimes I talk to women online, but I don't know if I can meet someone on the outside without a paper bag over my head.
Santiago: Okay, definitely don't do that.
Basil: How do you meet someone special?
Santiago: It’s kind of old fashioned, but I like to go out and meet people. A bar or a party. I like that thrill of seeing someone from across a room. Making eye contact. Having a conversation where you have to lean in close because the music’s loud.
Jonathan: It’s so tiring to go out all the time, though. I’ve tried all the apps. It’s a mess out there.
Santiago: I don’t even bother with those.
Jonathan: You probably don’t have to. I’m sure it’s easy for you to pick up anyone you want. The apps are almost entirely younger women who want to call you daddy, or women with as much baggage as I have.
Santiago: You’re not interested in either of those things?
Jonathan: I’m very turned on by both. Therein lies the problem.
Anselm: I see no problem. If you want sex, there it is. If you want a relationship, then have one.
Jonathan: *uncomfortable* It’s not that simple.
Anselm: Why not?
Jonathan: … … uh… …
Anselm: I have absolutely no patience for people getting in their own way. Problems should be ended through decision or gunfire. It does no good to ignore them.
Nathan: I don’t know about that. You can learn a lot about someone by picking apart their issues and insecurities.
Anselm: Yes, mind games are fun, but you don’t want to play them with your one and only love.
Nathan: Agree to disagree. I want a partner who can challenge me.
Santiago: You are the challenge. Nothing’s simple with you, don’t worry. All I’m saying is that meeting people in person is way better than online.
Jonathan: I guess I could try it Anselm’s way. If I have a one night stand with a woman I could try to make it more than one night. Dinner or something.
Anselm: Something? Please use a more enticing word.
Jonathan: I’m not like you, Anselm. I don’t have a whole house dedicated to sex. My imagination’s not that good.
Anselm: Well, if you need advice, just text one of us. We’re all happy to help.
Nathan: Have more confidence, man. Plenty of women are into that absent minded professor thing. It’s right up there with men in uniform.
Jonathan: I just wish I could start over, you know?
Nathan: Like, be a virgin again? You couldn’t pay me enough money to do that. Actually, we have a listener question about how we would feel, being someone’s first time.
Jonathan: My first time was… not sexy. I didn’t know what I was doing at all. I hadn’t even really seen porn. She had to basically tell me what to do every step of the way, so I thought that’s what sex was for like, ten years.
Anselm: My first time was in an alpine meadow. The cows kept coming over to see what the fuss was about. Curious creatures. I think it gave me a fetish about milk for awhile.
Victor: I have that too.
Anselm: As for being someone’s first. I would be honored. There would be fanfare, perhaps a band and a party afterward.
Nathan: I don’t like to admit fear, but I think taking someone’s virginity is more terrifying than the singularity.
Santiago: I’ve been someone’s first. It’s really amazing, actually. I was nervous, don’t get me wrong, but I went slow and it was a really great weekend. I still meet up with her sometimes, if I’m going through that part of the world.
Marc: I was with a woman who didn’t tell me she was a virgin until we were in bed, getting undressed. It turned out okay, but I wish she’d told me before. I would’ve done something special.
Santiago: Like what?
Marc: I don’t know. Made dinner at home, lit some candles. Put a big, soft blanket on the bed. Maybe made sure the bathtub was ready for afterward. I tried to make up for it by eating her out before and after.
Santiago: I’m pretty sure she’s happier with the oral sex than a candle. What about you?
Blue: If it’s a girl’s first time, I try to make it good. It’s a thrill, I won’t lie. I give her something nice afterward. A new dress, or her own number at the club.
Poe: If you had to pick someone at this table to be your first, who would it be?
Blue: Laurent maybe? I like that dirty Frenchman thing he has going on.
Poe: Anselm?
Anselm: I would choose you, Poe, obviously.
Nathan: Why obviously?
Anselm: Jealousy does not become you, Nathan. Look at Poe. Dashing, gallant, and sexually, I can tell that he lives to serve.
Poe: … is that a compliment?
Steven: I’d pick you, Anselm. I like the adventure of it.
Nathan: *snort laughs* He’ll give you an adventure all right. He’ll adventure you right into dressing up in an insane outfit and letting him demolish you in some weird role play. Ask me how I know.
Steven: *genuinely asking* How do you know?
Nathan: That was sarcasm, dude. I know because I’ve been there.
Anselm: And a riot of a time it was. I’ve never enjoyed a traditional Midsommar celebration more!
Nathan: Look, we’re almost out of time and- hey- Atreides, quit checking your watch. I told you this would be a solid 60 minutes.
Leto: *sighing* It was a text, okay? It’s a… listener question.
Nathan: This isn’t live, so the only way you’re getting a question this second is if one of these chucklefucks is texting you right now, behind my back.
Leto: Yeah. Huh. I always forget you’re smarter than you look.
Nathan: Go hump a barbed wire fence.
Leto: Do you want to hear the question or not?
Nathan: Go ahead.
Leto: Death. The question is about death. This anonymous person posits that some of us receive an untimely death in our universes.
*awkward silence, throat clearing*
Leto: Nathan?
Nathan: I don’t know, dude. We all have complicated lives to begin with so why would our deaths be any easier?
Leto: But you know more than you’re saying.
Nathan: *angry* What do you want, Leto? You want me to say there’s some alternate dimension where you have a family that loves you and when you get murdered, they wage some kind of war across the universe?
Leto: No, that would be ridiculous.
Nathan: *raises his voice* Do you want to hear that a fucking meteorite crashes into Earth and kills Anselm?
Leto: Nathan, calm down.
Nathan: That Marc, Steven, and Jake never get an ending at all?
Leto: Nath-
Nathan: *sounding a little insane* Why can’t we just live in the here and now? Huh? Who the fuck asked about death? WHO?
*silence*
Leto: *quietly* What happens to you, Nathan?
Steven: Mate, ‘s alright. We’re all of us alive and well here. You can tell us.
Nathan: *quietly* None of you gets it. I don’t think most of us have death in common. Actually, we have something a lot worse that runs through every one of our lives. We all go straight into situations where we know we could die, where we probably will. That’s the thread that binds us. Not curly hair or this nose or our eyes. We’re all so fucked up.
Richard: I don’t do that. Really. I don’t put myself in danger.
Nathan: You work with death-row inmates.
Richard: Yeah, maybe you make a good point.
Basil: I didn't ask to get struck by lightning, but Nathan's right. I really lost it afterward.
Victor: If I may interject, I know a fair bit about death and life. It’s my entire existence actually. Fear of death is natural. I have found, however, that one is only truly afraid of death is one feels they haven’t done enough living.
Perhaps, like me, you feel you’ve contributed to humanity, but you, yourself, have nothing to actually show for it. With egos as big as ours, that’s a difficult conclusion to reach.
Nathan: I wasn’t trying to create life through artificial intelligence for humanity, Victor. It was just *sigh* … it felt-
Victor: Inevitable.
Nathan: Yeah.
Victor: The burden of intellect.
Cecil: Yeah.
Nathan: You feel the burden of intellect?
Cecil: … … … What are we talking about?
Marc: Hey, it’s not the burden of intellect or whatever. It’s that we’re all kind of control freaks who have zero control over our own lives.
Steven: He’s right. Feels to me I’m just a character in a story sometimes, being pulled this way and that. This job. That job. Living here. Living there. Trousers on. Trousers off.
William: You’re all correct, I think, but that doesn’t mean we stop trying.
Steven: Trying what?
William: To do what we can, however insignificant it feels to us.
Poe: Nothing, and no one, is insignificant. I believe that with my whole heart.
Jonathan: Nathan, the kind of questions you’re having, they’re a lot like the ones I debate in my work. They’re important, yes, but remember, you still have to eat meals. Go to the bathroom. Sleep. Life goes on. Time keeps moving.
Nathan: I get your point, but it doesn’t. Not when you’re all here. We’re kind of out of time and space.
Leto: So, when you told me this would only be an hour?
Nathan: It’s actually infinity. Or it’s nothing. There’s kind of no difference around this table. Besides, talking to you feels like torture for eternity, so what do you care?
Leto: *mumbles* I hate you in every universe.
Anselm: So, in a way, Nathan, you’re saving all of us, simply by having us as guests on your little pod-cast.
Nathan: It’s just one word. Podcast.
Anselm: Pod-cast
Nathan: Podcast
Anselm: Pahd-cahst
Nathan: Just say it quickly. Podcast.
Anselm: Oh what the devil do I care what it’s called? I simply enjoy being here. I’m grateful to have met all of you.
Leto: I have to admit, it’s very interesting.
Victor: Yes, I don’t feel quite so alone anymore.
Basil: Me either.
Anselm: Coincidentally, what does happen to you?
Nathan: I get stabbed at my house by an ai woman I made myself.
Anselm: *sound of gun cocking* That is unacceptable! Where is she?
Nathan: Put that away. You can’t fix it like that.
Anselm: I think you’ll find that I can.
Santiago: Here, let me.
*sound of gun being yanked away, magazine and bullet ejecting*
Santiago: Here’s question: if you could fix anything in your universe, what would it be? I’d have figured out a way to go back and get the millions of dollars I left in the Andes mountains.
Marc: I would’ve introduced myself to Steven and Jake a long time ago.
Steve: Cheers, Marc I would’ve done the same.
Leto: I would’ve spent more time with my father.
William: I never would’ve joined the fucking Army.
Richard: I would’ve asked that girl out in high school, the one I had a crush on for years.
Jonathan: I can’t even pick. Too much to choose from.
Victor: My friend, we’re drinking from the same teapot of shame.
Laurent: I should’ve finished art school.
Cecil: I wish I hadn’t told everybody that the Taco Bell near my house gave me explosive diarrhea because then people stopped going there and it closed. God. I really miss that Taco Bell.
Santiago: Why did you lie about something like that?
Cecil: It wasn’t a lie. I just wish I hadn’t said anything out loud. Then, I’d still be able to get a chalupa supreme in under five minutes.
Anselm: Well, I live my live with zero regrets. Geschehen ist geschehen. What’s happened is happened. Or, as I like to say, onto the next hole.
Nathan: That’s gross. I get what you’re saying, though. Time ever only moves in one direction. Although, technically, I could use the machine to go back in time, but-
Leto: What?
Nathan: I mean, I could probably-
Leto: Hey, could you bring me back to a very specific night about two years ago?
Nathan: Why?
Leto: There was this woman-
Nathan: I’m not interfering with the space time continuum just so you can get laid.
Jake: What about me? I got a look at Jonathan’s ex wife and I’d like to take her for a ride in my cab, so to speak.
Nathan: This isn’t a crossover event.
Poe: Can I use it to make a teeny-tiny little adjustment and never join a bunch of drug runners? I’d like to retcon that whole thing.
Nathan: There’s no way you were in a drug gang. That’s obviously a lie. You’re a goody two shoes.
Poe: *under his breath* I had a bad boy phase.
Nathan: Sure you did, Poe, and I’m a big, blue, omniscient alien who can control matter with my mind. Whatever.
I think we’ve stretched the limit of all of us being in one room. I have to start putting you back in your universes or shit might start to break permanently.
Doing this is the most fun I have, so, you know, thank you for sending in your questions.
I think I should get us all chalupas to celebrate.
Poe: What’s a chalupa?
Cecil: You’re gonna love it!
Anselm: I’m going to call you my little chalupa from now on.
Nathan: Until next time, I’m Nathan Bateman. Thank you for listening, thank you for subscribing, and please, if Anselm Vogelweide ever asks you to put on a white dress and a flower crown, and to treat his dick like a may pole, please keep in mind that the tea he gives you afterward is definitely hallucinogenic.
**Outro Music Fades Up**
:: Other works :: main masterlist :: Join My Fic Taglist
Summary: Episode 8, attraction with a side of oral… and how is Nathan getting all of these guests, anyway?(~1.7k)
:: episode 7 here :: Trash Talk Masterlist
-----
**Intro Music Fades Out**
Nathan: Welcome, to Trash Talk, a podcast about sex. What we like and why we like it. Part of the Blue Book network of entertainment.
Today, we’re talking attraction. Let’s start with you, new guy. Your reputation precedes you, but let's not shove it in dry. Tell us about yourself. Do you have a type?
Poe: Hi, I’m Poe Dameron. I don’t really have a type.
Nathan: That’s what people say when they don’t want to sound like an asshole.
Poe: *laughs quietly* Everyone I've been with, man or woman or they, I've been attracted to who they are. I can just tell when we have a connection. That's what makes someone attractive to me. Sometimes it's instant, sometimes it doesn't last, but I've never, what did you say? Stuck it in dry. That sounds gross.
Nathan: Leto? What do you think? You famously give women parting gifts when you push them out the door in the morning. Are the ladies just in it for the gift bag?
Leto: *grumbles* ...I wasn't aware people knew about that.
Nathan: It's all over the internet. Some kind of jewelry worth under $2,000, a fancy hygiene kit, a gift certificate to some clothing store, chocolates, and one of your security guys drives them home. It's like a bribe so they don't run to the newspaper to tell everyone how bad you are in bed, right?
Leto: *annoyed* The jewelry is at least $2,000, not under $2,000.
Nathan: Whatever. Steven?
Steven: Me? I'm kind of a boob man, myself.
Nathan: Now we're getting somewhere. Elaborate.
Steven: Well, I like breasts. 'S not really rocket science. Big ones. Small ones. Medium ones. They're all lovely shades and so soft, all different. Some women have larger nipples, or dark ones, or pink.
Nathan: So, that's what you notice first? Boobs?
Steven: *almost snort laughs* Mostly, I'm just trying not to look like a boob. Doesn't even occur to me usually, to be attracted to someone right away. If I meet a beautiful woman, I don't really assume I have a shot in the way you mean. Takes me ages to work up the courage to look at her boobs probably. I like talking to people first off, then the attraction happens.
Poe: That's really interesting, because I know right away if I'm attracted to someone.
Steven: Yeah, but you're like a pilot and what. Handsome enough to be on posters and like, stickers and t-shirts and things. You'd get anyone you wanted.
Poe: You do realize you're very hot, right?
Steven: ...me?
Poe: Oh yeah.
Steven: Kind of you to say. Cheers.
Nathan: So, Steven likes to motorboat and Poe will hit on anything that moves. Leto likes women to open their legs and shut their gossiping mouths.
Leto: I don't know why I keep doing this podcast. You're especially bad today. Unbearable.
Nathan: Since no one asked me, I like dirty sluts. The dirtier the better.
Steven: Dirty?
Nathan: I don't believe in sugar-coating things, you know that. But I do believe in sugar-coating my cum all over a woman's face.
*disgusted groans from the room*
Nathan: What? Bunch of fucking prudes. If Anselm had said it, none of you would've reacted like that.
Leto: That's because Anselm's charming. You're not.
Poe: I don't know who Anselm is, but in the short time I've known Nathan, I'm having trouble understanding how you would get a woman to sleep with you. She might be attracted to you, but if she had any self-respect she wouldn't act on it.
Nathan: I'm rich and hung. Sometimes I let women dominate me like I deserve.
Poe: You're just not very nice.
Nathan: Oh, you're too good to come on a woman's face?
Poe: I like it more when she comes on mine.
Nathan: Like a 69?
Poe: No, just me between her legs. I love being with guys too, but there's something about eating a woman out that just... I don't know... I love the taste.
Steven: I'm right there with you, mate. Nothing like it in the world. I could spend hours licking it all up.
Poe: I love when it gets to be too much for her, but she wants you to keep going anyway. She's so soft and hot, and the way she'll grab your hair when she wants to come. How she grinds against your mouth.
Steven: Settle down with the description, my pants are gettin' a bit tight.
Poe: I like giving better than receiving when it comes to oral.
Leto: I like them equally.
Steven: I just kind of live in the moment. Do what feels good.
Nathan: I like getting more than giving.
Leto: That's the least surprising thing you've ever told me about yourself.
Poe: Are you any good at it?
Nathan: Giving oral to a woman?
*silence*
Nathan: ...yes?
Poe: You've literally never thought about it until right now, haven't you?
Nathan: *offended* Hey, if I go down on a woman, I make sure she comes. I’m going to the trouble, it’s the least she could do.
Steven: You’ve got such an odd perspective. It’s really worrysome.
Leto: There’s a lot to be worried about here. First: Nathan somehow makes giving head to a woman about himself. Second: I’m a little concerned he may have broken reality. I know military aviation, and that jacket you’re wearing, Poe, isn’t a standard issue bomber that I’ve ever seen.
Poe: It’s from my New Republic days, but I changed the patch out. You’re right, though. When Nathan invited me here, I knew right away he probably wasn’t living in my universe. Then, I stepped out of the transporter thing in the lobby and it was pretty obvious. Really interesting technology. I’ve already tinkered around a little with it.
Steven: Transporter? Like… moving matter across dimensions?
Leto: Nathan, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?
Nathan: Look, it’s not a big deal. Some of us live in the same reality, some of us don’t. I’ve always thought I was the only person worth talking to, so when I started looking for guests for the podcast, I used my own DNA and followed that thread through space and time, and here we are. A bunch of similar-looking guys with diverse opinions and hair styles.
Leto: You’re bald.
Nathan: *frustrated* I’m not fucking bald! I shave my head. You’d probably look like this too if you did the same.
Poe: None of you noticed something strange was going on?
Steven: Strange is kind of normal for some of us, ‘innit? My boss is an ancient Egyptian bird god of the moon and I’ve got DID, just to add onto the pile of weird.
Nathan: The podcast’s supposed to be fun. Yes, I collect data on everything, but it’s not going to break the universe, like Leto said. He doesn’t know anything about it. Actually, there are a lot of versions of all of us. Interestingly enough, Leto’s a boring douche in every single one.
Let’s not talk about that, though. Back to the actual topic. Attraction.
Steven: To be fair, we were talking about how you’re bad at giving oral.
Nathan: Don’t say it like that. I get my tongue in there just as well as any of you.
Poe: It’s not a depth thing, you know. Most of what you’re doing is actually pretty soft, just on the outside, a lot of focus on the clit.
Steven: Yeah, and then you shove your tongue in really far once in awhile. Like, as a treat.
Poe: Steven gets it.
Steven: Like this: *wet mouth sounds*
Nathan: Oh, okay. This: *more wet mouth sounds*
Poe: And then once in awhile, here, look at my fingers.
Nathan: Women like that? When you…
Poe: They love it.
Leto: That’s interesting. Maybe because I have a beard, but usually I do something like this: *wet mouth sounds, shuffling around*
Steven: Oh, I like that move, I’ll be stealing that one thank you very much.
Nathan: Doesn’t your beard get in the way?
Leto: The beard makes it better. Trust me.
Nathan: Okay, so my fingers do this and my mouth is like-
Poe: No, flatten your tongue. Like this-
*bunch of silence with men trying to talk while simulating eating out a woman*
Nathan: Wait, wait, wait. This is a podcast. It’s all audio. People complain when we eat on mic, but this’ll be a whole other litany of complaints. Maybe we should just use one of my robots for this demonstration. Off air.
Poe: *sounds pained* Can’t we find a real woman? Please?
Nathan: Fine, but she’d have to be okay with the four of us eating her out. It’s not really about the fucking today.
Leto: *dryly* Have you met women? I’m sure we’ll find one who’ll agree to that.
Steven: This town has a very nice high street. Shops, restaurants, so on. Maybe we could find a woman there. Seemed like a busy place.
Nathan: If we walked into a crowded bar, I think we'd all end up hitting on different people.
Leto: So, it comes down to attraction after all. I’ll text my driver to come around and he’ll take us.
Poe: This is exciting. I’d like to see more of this world.
Steven: I’m just excited to find a lovely woman and spend an afternoon between her legs.
Nathan: I guess we’re going on an interactive field trip. I won’t be reporting back about this, so listeners, you can just assume we made a woman come so hard she passed out.
Steven: Mate, you’re speaking my language.
Leto: The car’s here.
Nathan: Cool. Well, um, I guess the lesson here is: when it doubt, eat her out. Until next time, I’m Nathan Bateman.
**Outro Music Fades Up**
:: ep. 9- Listener Special :: Trash Talk Masterlist ::
Summary: Transcript of episode 7 of Nathan Bateman's podcast, Trash Talk. (18+, orgy and sex talk but nothing explicit, yes these men should mix it up together, ~1.8k)
:: episode 6 here :: Trash Talk Masterlist
-----
**Intro Music Fades Out**
Nathan: Welcome, to Trash Talk, a podcast about sex. What we like and why we like it. Part of the Blue Book network of entertainment.
I’m Nathan Bateman and today’s topic will get messy. Group Sex. Who’s had it, who wants it, and in which hole.
Anselm: Me. On all counts.
Nathan: Jumping right in is my first guest, Anselm Vogelweide, sexual deviant and a man who invites me to a party at least once a month, none of which I go to, and all of which probably ended in orgies.
Anselm: Quite right.
Nathan: On my other side, Anselm’s polar opposite in personality, though not in hair, Professor Jonathan Levy.
Jonathan: Yeah, hi. You told me this episode was about mental health.
Nathan: It is about mental health. Yours. You’ve got a lot of issues I’m tired of hearing you whine about. I figure I’d have you on the pod, set you straight. Metaphorically. In an orgy, no one’s really straight, right? Or else, what’s the point?
Steven: Sorry, um, but why am I here?
Nathan: Anyone who fucks you is having group sex.
Steven: That’s not how it works.
Nathan: It works how I say it works Stevie.
Steven: It’s Steven. Unless you’d like me to start calling you Nate.
*tense silence*
Nathan: Steven it is.
Jonathan: I don’t really want to talk about orgies. Being single isn’t easy. I have a difficult enough time with one woman, let alone seven.
Anselm: Seven! I like your sense of ambition, Jonathan.
Nathan: Have you ever had an octo-orgy, Anselm? Eight seems like a lot.
Anselm: Well, once there gets to be more than three or four bodies, people do tend to couple off to do the fucking, but if everyone’s in close proximity, it’s still very satisfying. You can reach out your hand and feel all sorts of things.
Steven: What sorts of things?
Anselm: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Steven: … yeah… I… I would. Kind of why I asked, yeah?
Anselm: Fair enough. Picture this. You’re balls deep in a hole of your choosing, really having a go of it, as you Brits say. And, well, what’s this?, a wonderful pair of bouncing breasts from the woman next to you who’s riding, let’s say for example, your friend, the handsome Jonathan Levy.
Jonathan: Hey, hey, hey, leave me out of this.
Anselm: You pull out of your current lover and as you stand, the woman takes your cock in her mouth. Underneath her, Jonathan fucks her harder-
Jonathan: *exasperated* Please don’t involve me.
Anselm: Don’t be rude, Jonathan, the woman loves to be shared. Anyway, later, I’m fucking Jonathan-
Jonathan: What? I- we- how did you-
Nathan: Good luck, dude. It’s like being fucked with the business end of a baseball bat.
Jonathan: I didn’t- we haven’t-
Anselm: I’ll be very gentle, Jonathan. I assume you’re virgin territory back there?
Steven: Surely every man’s had things up the arse, though? Fingers or whatnot?
Anselm: Interesting. You are a surprise, Steven.
*sound of zipper and belt*
Nathan: Anselm, don’t unzip your pants. The studio is for work not sex. We’re not having the orgy right now.
Anselm: I seem to be the victim of false advertising.
*sound of zipper and belt*
Jonathan: *sounding angry* Nathan, when you wanted to consult with me about philosophy and ethics, I agreed. It was interesting work, and a lot of money. This, however, is too far over the line. My sex life is none of your business. It isn’t fodder for a podcast. My ex-wife could hear this. My other ex-wife could hear.
Nathan: Oh please, we all forget you even had a second wife. Why do you care if Mira hears? She’s the fucking worst. If I had an ex like that, I’d want her to think I was out every night fucking anything that moved. She cheated on you, and it’s time you stop letting her call the shots.
Jonathan: Well, you and I are very different men.
Nathan: I think you should have some fun, that’s all I’m saying. That’s why I invited Anselm.
Steven: Again, why am I here?
Nathan: I don’t know, dude. You seem ready to cut class to get ass.
Steven: Wot?
Anselm: I believe what Nathan is saying, in his own inept way, is that this is an intervention of sorts. Jonathan, we may not know each other very well, but you’re going to break under the weight of your expectations for yourself. You need release.
Jonathan: *takes a deep breath*
Anselm: Do you need my oxygen tank?
Jonathan: No. Wait, the last time we were here together, we talked about inhalers. Why are you still carrying that thing around?
Nathan: It probably has drugs in it.
Anselm: It does. Anyway, Jonathan, I think your life would be greatly improved by sex with more people, more often. You’d be less self-conscious, take yourself less seriously.
Steven: I lived quite isolated for most of my life, but it wasn’t really by choice. I think you need a push to get you out and into the world. Like I did. Well, not quite like I did, where I discovered there was an American man living inside of me, beating the living daylights out of bad guys and invisible jackals… Then I discovered there was a third guy inside of me.
Anselm: Oh, I’ve had that happen!
Steven: You have?
Nathan: You two aren’t talking about the same thing. Steven has DID. Anselm has… a third guy inside of him sometimes. Jonathan, I could lend you three to four human-looking robots. Fully functional.
Anselm: Please, take him up on the generous offer. Say what you will about Nathan Bateman, but he makes the best sex dolls I’ve ever had the pleasure of owning.
Jonathan: I don’t want a sex doll. I don’t want an orgy. I want one person to love forever.
Anselm: That’s a very sweet sentiment. You can have that and still have group sex, though.
Jonathan: *sigh* It isn’t that I want to be inhibited. I guess I want what I had. Even what I had wasn’t what I thought I had, though, now that I think about it. You’re right, Steven, I haven’t been pushing myself to date or really put myself out there. Maybe something drastic is the smart move. At least it would be decisive. I have trouble with that.
Nathan: You’re not indecisive. Your divorce made you think you are. Your ex fucked with your head on a level that even I admire. Trust me, you’re as opinionated as I am and inside, you’re just as much of an asshole about it as I am.
Jonathan: ...I think you mean that as a compliment, so thanks.
Steven: Anselm’s invited me to his estate to look at his collection of Egyptian sexual art, very ancient and very interesting. Would you care to join me? Bit of an academic experience, which we have in common, and a bit of a sexual one, which is more Anselm’s purview.
Anselm: I quite enjoy a weekend, just the men, once in awhile. I could have my cousin dress up like a turkey and we could go shooting.
Steven: Don’t really like guns.
Jonathan: Absolutely not.
Anselm: I’ll have him put on the costume anyway, just in case you two change your minds.
Steven: And Anselm, maybe you could show us your little collection of sex robots.
Anselm: My, my, Steven you’re quite the negotiator. I may have use for you in business as well as whatever else we find we like to do together.
Jonathan: Well, a weekend away might be nice. I’ve never really been on a trip with friends.
Anselm: In the evenings, we can have wine and watch the pair of lovely female robots Nathan programmed give pleasure to each other. Trust me, you’ll be unable to keep your hand off of yourself. If you only want to interact with the females, of course I would respect that. I, for one, think Steven’s cock is probably very pretty and I would love to pay it special attention.
Steven: Oh, that’s kind of you. I’m sure yours is nice as well.
Nathan: What about mine?
Anselm: It’s an impressive piece of equipment, Nathan. You know I’m very fond of it. Don’t be insecure.
Nathan: I’m not insecure, but I arranged this entire fucking thing and I’m not even invited.
Steven: Course you’re invited! I just thought you wouldn’t want to come.
Nathan: I don’t, but you should still invite me.
Anselm: Here’s what we’re going to do. Everyone is invited to my home, where we’ll look at art, look at sex, and participate as much as we’d like to.
Nathan: I’m busy.
Anselm: I haven’t even said what weekend it will be.
Nathan: I’ll be busy.
Anselm: You’re such a rude, naughty boy. I ought to put you over my knee.
Steven: Have you ever spanked a woman, Jonathan?
Jonathan: No, but I came close with my ex. Sort of. The last time we did it.
Steven: What about a man? Could you spank a man?
Jonathan: I think I could, maybe. I don’t think I’d have the same hang-ups with it. Why do you ask?
Steven: I’m not being funny, I just think Anselm would let you. Expanding your horizons, and all that.
Jonathan: How about this? I won’t rule anything out, as far as the weekend we’ll all spend together. I don’t love the word ‘orgy,’ but I guess it can be whatever it turns into.
Steven: That’s alright with me. Anselm?
Anselm: I love a challenge, and I think Mount Levy would be quite worth the climb.
Nathan: Who’d be doing the mounting?
Anselm: If you want to know, you should attend.
Nathan: I’m not really an orgy guy. More than three people on a bed is difficult to control.
Anselm: Why would you want to control anything? That’s the fun of it.
Nathan: Well, someone has to be in charge.
Anselm: *high-pitched laughter* You think you’re in charge of anything? Please, if this were a ship in an emergency situation it would go me, Steven, Jonathan, then you.
Steven: *swallows audibly* Me? Why’m I second on that list?
Anselm: You’re a born leader, and Jonathan here is the very picture of professorial authority. I find it’s the quiet, rather awkward ones who are more likely to guide things in a meaningful way, especially in a group setting.
Steven: I’m not opposed to that idea actually.
Nathan: You know what, I’ll clear my schedule. I think I want to see this in person.
Anselm: And, I hope, be an active participant.
Nathan: Why the hell not?
Jonathan: *quietly* This better not awaken anything in me.
Nathan: What’d you say, Jonathan?
Jonathan: *mumbling* Nothing.
Nathan: Great, looks like I solved yet another problem. I should get some kind or prize for this shit. Now, I have to go pack a suitcase full of zero clothes and all of the lube. Until next time, I’m Nathan Bateman and do yourself a favor, have a little fun this week.
Summary: An exclusive interview with Victor Frankenstein. Transcript of episode 6 of Nathan Bateman's podcast, Trash Talk. (18+, based on book Frankenstein bc no one's seen this thing yet, <1k)
:: episode 5 here :: Trash Talk Masterlist
-----
**Intro Music Fades Out**
Nathan: Welcome, to Trash Talk. I’m Nathan Bateman. Usually, this is a podcast about sex, but today’s topic is controversial for a lot of reasons. My guest actually contacted me. You want to introduce yourself?
Victor: My name is Victor Frankenstein.
Nathan: You’re pretty infamous.
Victor: Yes, but it’s all a misunderstanding.
Nathan: As someone who’s been in a similar situation, I know why you say that, but cut the bullshit. It’s all your fault, right?
Victor:… yes. That’s why I want to do this one-on-one interview. You’re the only person who could understand creating evil and having it turn on you.
Nathan: Wow. Don’t make assumptions, Victor. I knew what I created was going to be the downfall of humanity, but I don’t believe in evil.
Victor: You didn’t get a thrill out of playing god?
Nathan: I did. But in a metaphorical sense. I don’t believe in god. I believe in myself.
Victor: That’s something we have in common. Belief in ourselves, to the detriment of everyone else. The entire world, in fact.
Nathan: Slow down. I’d really appreciate if you didn’t keep lumping us together. What I did was inevitable. If I hadn’t built true artificial intelligence, someone else would have. No one but you would ever have thought of creating life out of a bunch of random, dead body parts. It wasn’t necessary.
Victor: They weren’t random. I chose very carefully.
Nathan: *snort laughs* I know, dude. I’ve seen your creature. He’s a fucking beef cake.
Victor: What is a beef cake?
Nathan: He’s jacked. Tall, muscles for days, and I have no idea where you found a cock that big.
Victor: I sewed three penises together end to end.
Nathan: A little homoerotic. I’m not judging, but…
Victor: It would look that way to you, yes. But male friendships were different back in my time. We weren’t afraid to say loving things to the men we were close to. Take myself and my dear Henry Clerval.
Nathan: *quietly* Dead.
Victor: The love I had for him was different than with my Elizabeth.
Nathan: *quietly* Also dead.
Victor: Which was different again from the love I gave to my family.
Nathan: Your very dead family.
Victor: You know, I’m beginning to understand why my cousin Anselm called me last night to warn me about you.
Nathan: Oh yeah, he wanted to sit in on this interview, but I said that was one too many accents for this episode.
Victor: Regardless, I’d like the public to know that the creature and I are not having what the online press is calling a ‘lover’s spat.’ Although this is honestly the worst break-up I’ve ever had.
Nathan: I’m not your therapist, Vic. I don’t give a shit. It’s not my business if you and the creature went on moonlit picnics down by Lake Geneva and he big-spooned you every night. Although, did you?
Victor: No. But, well, there are times when we cross paths. Sometimes he’s seeking me out, sometimes I’m seeking him. On those occasions, we’re drawn to each other.
Nathan: Backsliding, Victor.
Victor: As if you’ve never felt a supernatural connection to one of your creations.
Nathan: I never pretended otherwise. There’s a reason I only made women androids.
Victor: The creature wanted me to make him a female companion. It so offended my senses.
Nathan: As a gay man?
Victor: No! As a scientist. But also, it was very irritating that he would want a woman after all we’d shared.
Nathan: *long silence*
Victor: I realize now how that sounds.
Nathan: It’s okay, man, sexuality is fun. Fluid.
Victor: Have you ever been with a man?
Nathan: I've done all kinds of things, to all kinds of people. Ask your cousin Anselm how we met.
Victor: I don't think I want to know.
Nathan: Your loss.
Victor: I didn't come onto your program to argue. I came to make a public plea to the creature. I know he's listening. I'm speaking now, directly to him. Please, your body count must end here. It's so high already, and I know you only do it because you're angry with me.
Nathan: Okay, Victor, I'm going to stop you right there. Body count means something different now than it did in your time.
*Nathan's words are muffled as he explains*
Victor: It means what?!?!?! I meant he must cease murdering people. Not what you mean.
Nathan: Oh, so, you wouldn't care if he were shacking up with men and women whenever he wants? Screwing his way from Switzerland to Scotland to Siberia?
Victor: *tense silence* As long as he doesn't kill anyone, he may do as he wishes.
Nathan: Not very convincing.
Victor: *angry sigh* You're very aggravating.
Nathan: It's my most charming quality. Look, we both know you're not going to be able to kill the creature, but you'd kill yourself trying to get back together with him. I think you need to consider, maybe you and your creature should talk it out. Go back to the Scottish seaside. Have a cup of tea or whatever the fuck they do over there.
Victor: He's so uncivilized, though.
Nathan: Yeah, but you like him rough around the edges, don't you?
Victor: ... perhaps I do.
Nathan: So, Frankenstein's monster, if you're listening, your man's waiting for you. Go meet him with an open mind and an open zipper.
Victor: Nathan, have you ever successfully worked through a conflict with one of your creations?
Nathan: Not so much, they got real stabby.
Anyway, I think I just reunited star-crossed lovers. I knew I was good, but damn, I’m really fucking good. I might be saving humanity at this point. You know, Anselm wanted to talk about orgies, maybe that’ll be the next ep. Talk to you all soon. Maybe I’ll be able to fix yet another man.
**Outro music fades up**
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:: episode 7- orgies :: Trash Talk Masterlist ::
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