Marta 𖹭

23 || "Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely." ―Sylvia Plath.

[mournfulroses]

Virginia Woolf, from a journal entry featured in The Early Diaries of Virginia Woolf

[martasundays]

Traffic lights will keep on switching colors, the moon will still sit pretty in the sky and water will still flow from rivers. Do not think the world will stop for you or because of you. Take a deep breath, control your emotions, count to three and do whatever you have to do.

[martasundays]

[martasundays]

Food is without taste again, and my body doesn't feel like my own.

[shisasan]

I love calm.

August 15, 1926 Journals of Anais Nin 1923-1927 [volume 3]

[intellectimposter4294-deactivat]

I don’t wish to attain to life’s unrealistic standards anymore. Socially, emotionally, physically especially. I’d just like to simply exist. Find me attractive or don’t, think I’m not enough of how this world should work..or don’t. I’ll just know I’ll find content in who I am, who I’m not, and a lot of who I’ll never be, although much of that is what we live in a world of thinking we have to socially attain to anyway. In my book I’m a winner. Many more could be a winner too..maybe you get it, maybe you don’t. You’re neither smart or dumb if you don’t. Just “aware” if you do.

I don’t even know if I make sense to myself much of the time..I’m such a good talker in my head but it goes on paper or into a text on my phone and suddenly it’s like I can hear how much I wouldn’t make sense to anyone or anything..but myself that is. I think I’m content in that. God gets it too and whether you’re up for the sappy savior stories or not, he’s understood me the most, even when I didn’t even know him. He catered to these traumas the hardest. I thank him. Thank you thank you thank you

[martasundays]

I'm a very argumentative person. Ever since I was a teen i couldn't stand stupidity and I'd answer to every comment, have half hour debates with people but then I turned 22 and realized that nothing pisses people off more than just replying "okay ❤️". With the red heart specifically.

[martasundays]

I wish to be asleep. I wish to not witness the suffering of the world, to not bear the guilt of unfinished business and broken promises. I am a terrible human being with a lot to offer and I just want to sleep.

[martasundays]

I remember reading something online that said something along the lines of "today might be a shifty day, a boring day, a depressing day but a few years from now it might be your wedding anniversary date or your kid's birthday or the day you get that job you really wanted" and my heart sort of flutters. I hope so. I hope life is good to me, I really do.

[martasundays]

One of the problems of growing up way too fast is that you start developing shame for creating interest in things that are a bit more marketed towards a younger audience, be it books, movies, tv shows, a type of music, whatever. As a precocious child, you have to keep your head up; notice if a sibling needs something, what range the fight your parents are having lies in (do i have to keep my ear by the door to save my mom? Or will they handle it?). You don't have time to sit down and participate in the other children's interests. Why should you? You're different, as they say. Very mature for your age.

But time passes and one day you're 22 or 25 or 34 and suddenly you find yourself watching an anime, watching a kpop music video, reading some sort of twilight fanfiction, hanging posters on your wall of your favorite movies and games and moment of disappointment slips through the bars- "i really could've enjoyed this when I was younger", "my god this is embarrassing, my parents achieved so much at my age", "what would my high school friends say about me?"

Of course it's all nonsense but man do I feel like a weirdo at times, and I'm only 22.

[mournfulroses]

Mary Oliver, from a poem titled "The Return," featured in What Do We Know: Poems & Prose Poems

[martasundays]

I like the quiet of twilight. The world is asleep, and everything feels soft and hazy.

[martasundays]

It is 5am. The wind is hitting my face and arms. The curtains are swaying. I can feel the goosebumps all over my skin but it's quite alright; i don't like summer. So much so that I used to fantasize about people asking me what my favorite seasons were just so I could talk about my hatred for summer. It's nice when it starts, when you haven't felt warmth in a while but afterwards it's just not good, especially if you live in Portugal.

The quiet of the night makes me feel good. It makes me feel empty but for the first time ever, it's not a bad empty. It's a good empty. I scroll through tiktok, watch a tv show, wonder why i am the way that i am and then think of the people who are no longer in my life but still out in the world. And then i sleep.

[martasundays]

Nobody talks about how incredibly dangerous it is that most of the decisions that will lead our future in terms of employment (which in itself already includes the whole happiness sphere) happens when we're teenagers, when our brains and insides are struggling and adjusting to the heaviness that sits on top of our chests, when the brain isn't developed. Think about it; we have to choose a field, a career, a university, a degree and that decision will cement itself for the rest of our lives.

Sure, you can always start over well into your 30s or 40s. Sure, you can drop out of your college course and do it all again but this time somewhere you feel your passion lies in however that's not the realistic truth for all. It is a luxury. The world is ran by money and we do not have the same 24 hours or financial conditions.

What do the people who don't think they'll make it to 21 do after they, thank God, made it to 21? How is it that the responsibility of our future's stability depends on the moody teenager who's still a bit scared to order extra ketchup? Or the young 20 year old who's not sure if she'll even care for what she cares for at age 38?

[martasundays]

I am tired of trying to convince my mind that better days will come, that life is not over at 22 years of age. The people in their 30s that I see enjoying life are real.

It is so tiring to be fatigued of the world and everything to do with it already, when people can still look at you, shake their heads, and say, "You're far too young to be this heartbroken".

Yes, I am.

[ihammadh]

"I'll never get used to this feeling of walking in a sea of people with a hole in my chest, trying to convince myself that this is the life I want to live. I always keep a straight face and never falter, but I thought that just like everything else, with time, it'll just be another familiar rhythm I'll eventually learn to ignore. That I'll just learn to live with the same weight on my shoulders and forget about it—but this one never fades away. Not now that I have more people who believe in me, and I'm still yet to win the fights that matter.

When I walk in the crowded streets of the city on my way to work, sometimes, out of nowhere, my eyes would water and it'll take everything in me just to hold back a scream.

I never failed at keeping a straight face.

I know I’ll keep on walking no matter what.

But this shit is heartbreaking, and I really hope that we all get through this."

- My Indelible Ink @Facebook

[yonae]