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The Contestants on Asian Bachelorette

Things we know for certain from the Charlottesville White Mediocrity March at the University of Virginia.

1) None of those men has ever given a woman an orgasm. 2) Someone in that photo absolutely pregamed with Doritos and Smirnoff Ice. 3) None of them understand the irony of calling Black Lives Matter a racist, terrorist organization as they march WITH TORCHES. 4) 43% of those hairlines started receding in 11th grade and they are very bitter about it. 5) Half of those polos come from K-Mart. The other half from Vineyard Vines. 6) 51% of the participants think college is just free for Black people who decide they want to go. 7) 93% of them are very excited to get drunk and cheer on their football & basketball teams full of Black men. 8) 37% of them have big plans to go work in the family business after college. 9) 19% of them have Skoal somewhere on their person. 10) A different 19% of them would never associate with white trash but are making an exception. 11) At least a quarter of them have a III or IV after their name and are nicknamed “Skippy” or “Kip” to avoid confusion with Dad & Grandpa. 12) 12% of them logged into Grindr to see what other masc 4 masc wm only profile they could find nearby for after the march. 13) 28% of them still think sushi is exotic. 14) 60% of them solve problems with “My father will hear about this…” 15) 30% of them solve problems with “Round up Bubba and the boys…” 16) 10% of them have never solved a problem and vent their frustrations in comment sections. 17) 43% of them will marry a girl who went to UVA to find a husband and will stop working after she’s had her first baby. 18) 100% of them have said “If black people would just…” to preface their brand new way to solve racism that no one has ever said before. 19) There are at least seven varieties and colors of New Balance sneakers and Sperrys boat shoes just out of frame. 20) 87% of them substitute “burrito burrito” somewhere in the lyrics to “Despacito.”

#this made me feel better