i only ever revisit tumblr when I need to vent :(
I’m at a weird place. I’m not quite sure what has changed or where it came from, but I know it’s somewhere I’ve never been in my life. My thoughts have changed, the people have changed, I’ve become a shitty person.
I used to believe that we only got dealt things we could handle. I don’t think I believe that quite as much anymore. These past two months have been brutal and have taken every ounce possible out of me. Only for me to look back and realize that things haven’t gotten easier. Contrary to my stuck belief that integrity will work things out if you have it and play truly and honestly. Instead, I’ve noticed that things have only ever gotten harder. The things I used to struggle with in high school would be a joke now. Not even problems. And surely, the things I think are heart breaking right now will all be a joke in a year’s time. So why are things getting harder to deal with?
Why is my family falling apart? I guess time does that. No age, ever, could prepare you in having to mentally be prepared to lose someone though, let alone a parent. He’s not gone, but the scares are enough to kill a person. And they happen often.
I always knew I didn’t have the easiest family life, but I loved it with every fiber of my being. No matter how much the odds were against me, or how much any individual member of my family could be mad at me, I still never saw them differently. But this summer was brutal.
Friendships have turned. Or maybe I have. I’m not sure. When did I become vile and jealous and hateful
Was it from previous unhealthy relationships? Or maybe success has had wear and tear on me. Either way, I never remember having so much hate inside. Maybe my friends are right in that I am a very angry person. But I’m not sure why - I live the life every girl ever dreams about. I travel to new countries all the time with my wonderful boyfriend. None of that is an act. I am so deeply in love with him. I get to model. Which has some kind of worthless prestige. Brainwashing in fact. I’ve become to see myself as a model. Where I don’t have it, but it has me. And without it, I lose part of myself, and with that, my self worth. When, in middle and high school, I was the odd one out. Never the pretty girl. And that never bothered me. So I can’t figure out why now that I’m the “pretty girl”, I can still feel so bad. I still worry constantly about my boyfriend. And his judgement. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. But somewhere along the line I’ve become such a down person. I need to find a new outlet. Or an outlet at all. I don’t think I ever really had one. Except maybe dance. Or maybe it was the skin shots. They gave me anxiety and now, depression. I lose the light a lot. I can’t see a happy ending. Or a reason to keep trying. Even if I had all the money and fame and success I could wish for, what good is it if all of your relationships are broken, most importantly, the one with yourself. How do you gain back that love and light for and in yourself? I think I need some time alone. To regroup. To reevaluate. I’ve lived with my boyfriend for two months and maybe he thinks I’ve been clouding him, but maybe he has for me as well. I haven’t had the time to sit and relax and just sigh. And be human, not worry about money, or traveling, or work, or anything.
I miss simpler days. When at least the things I felt made sense. I wish I knew what was coming for me. If this is all worth it. Because I’m so tired. I wish I knew to what extent things would happen. I feel like I’m constantly being punished. But I work harder than anyone I know to be where I am. So why?
I want to be happy again. All the time. I want to be the person my friends loved, who they first met. Who didn’t hate them for trying something new, and trying because of me. I want to like inspiring people, instead of hating them and feeling like they’re trying to be me. I want to be able to give my boyfriend everything he deserves, and not feel like I’m bringing him more problems than he needs. I want to be able to get close to people and not argue with them every minute about the day. About God knows what, even? I don’t. I want to be easy to get along with, but even I know that I’m not. And I don’t exactly know how to change that. Do I keep all my opinions inside and pretend to get along with and like everyone? Or do I just be indifferent about everything? Do I find some kind of outlet? What do people do? I don’t think most people have these problems. I don’t think anyone else is as irritable as I am. My friends used to think it was funny. But like a movie with a bad couple, now its unbearable and it’s ruining all of my friendships. Do normal people not get annoyed at things? Or do they just not talk about it? Is it that I talk too much? Because I don’t in the beginning. But what good is being close to people if you have to censor yourself? Or, why do I think the things in the first place? How can you change your thoughts? Or is it because of these thoughts in the first place that I AM different? I don’t think that’s the case because then the world would be filled with vile and ego infested people. But then again, it is. But not everyone is bad. I don’t think I’m a bad person. I just
I don’t think it’s fair. To think things. I suppose you don’t have much control over the things you think. But then again you have 100% control. Maybe not about scientific things. But feelings. People can think themselves clean of cancer, or think themselves into it. The mind is an insane tool. But how can you change your thoughts about people, emotions, objects, wants, desires? Do you just decide one day that you don’t think poorly about something anymore? There’s not really anything left but to try then, I guess right??
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