Reality came up behind me at a bar
Reached his arm around my shoulder
And when I turned to see what asshole was touching me,
He stuck his beer-soaked tongue in my mouth
I grabbed hold of my Coors Light bottle
every intention of shattering it across his face
as soon as I got my own damn face out of the way
But he pulled away and he was
I jumped into bed with him
I know! I am aware I did everything wrong
But you weren’t there—and he was perfect
No dinner, no date, no romancing of the stone
Just these blue eyes that made me weak
I had already undressed him 11 times with my eyes
Before he even removed his shoes
And I kept thinking about that Seinfeld episode
Where Jerry’s friends are all like
Men’s bodies are just functional
They are not by any means works of art
I’m paraphrasing of course
I am in the middle of sex after all
6 feet 4 inches of pure oil-canvased art
Hanging in a gallery in New York City
We started making out again
He still tasted like beer
Wow, didn’t even wait for his beer breath to go stale
This must be like a world-record of slore-ing
He slid under the covers and I gripped the bed sheets
And a smile crawled across my face
as I stared up at the ceiling
I would even go as far as to say
this was like the worst oral sex I had ever had
Do I When Harry Met Sally it?
Do I fake an orgasm so great
that people on the other side of the apartment wall
will knock and ask what kind of sandwich I’m eating?
“Ohhh, yes, mmmm, wowzer”
Well that’s one theory to get him to stop
Just yell a bunch of awkward shit
Zoinks! WOW BATMAN! I can’t wait to pull your pork!
I wonder what he’s thinking about
Well he’s probably not thinking about calculus down there
I have a project that’s due tomorrow
I had a wealth of inspiration
and I still can’t figure out what the fuck to write about
Total cornucopia of writing possibilities
Dead babies, broken grave stones, weeping angels
Am I deplorable for thinking about dead babies
while having sex? That’s probably a straight ticket to Hell.
But maybe it’s like the tree analogy thing
If no one hears my deplorable thoughts
did they ever really happen?
Insert X-files music here
Wait, the movement under the sheets
Did I laugh outloud at my x-files joke?
“You okay down there?” I yelled
I probably shouldn’t have yelled
Blankets aren’t really sound proof
We had reached stale beer smell
He looked up at me with his big blue eyes
And puked all over my vagina