Ghost train

Do you want to see my heart bleed?

[mattfosss]

Graduation day

I’ve decided to write in this journal so I can remember what I did with my life. I just graduated high school today. I feel so free even though I’ve only been at this school for one year. Everyone starts their future today. I’m happy for them all. I get to start mine too. I start art school in a few weeks!

End of summer

I’m on the plane right now and I’m so scared. I’ve never been on a plane before. Hell, I’ve never gone anywhere besides Ottawa before. I cried at the airport because I was so scared and I didn’t want to leave. Archer held my hand the entire way. I felt bad, I didn’t want to embarrass him since I was crying so much but I couldn’t stop. When they called my gate, I was so terrified. It’s a miracle my heart didn’t burst because it was pounding so hard. I gave Archer a tight hug and wouldn’t let go of him. He tried to calm me down by telling me it’s gonna be okay or that we can call each other all the time. I already plan on calling him the minute I land. I knew I couldn’t stay there forever but god I wish I could. I wish I could have taken Archer with me or found a different and closer school. Not one that’s in a different country. I gave up and gave him one last goodbye kiss before boarding the plane. I miss him already.

Weeks later

Art school is going great! I love it so much! Archer says he’s having a great time at his school too! I’m so excited and happy that we’re both living our dreams. On another note, it was Scout’s birthday today! I wasn’t entirely sure what to do for my cats birthday but I was sure to give her extra cuddles and sang to her happy birthday.

Next month

I got an art related job!!! It’s not really an official artist but a teacher at my school recommended me to a tattoo parlor close by. I’m now a tattoo artist! Hopefully this is my first career in the art world.

December 25, years later

I’m so nervous today. It’s Christmas and I have a great present for Archer but I don’t know if he’ll like it or not. I’ve planned out the whole thing and this is how it will go;

After dinner, I’m going to tell Archer that I have one last present for him. I want him to be excited for it because I am too but I’m also very nervous. It’s a wrapped up book but the inside is hollowed out. Not too much so he won’t feel it but enough that I could fit the real present inside. The carving is filled with Forget Me Not’s, Archer’s favourite flower. Under the flowers there’s a piece of paper that says “put the book down” and I’ll be ready on one knee. I’m going to ask Archer to marry me today

After dinner

He said yes!!!

Wedding day

Oh god. I’m about to burst into tears. I’m so scared and nervous but I’m about to bust out of my skin because I’m so excited. I can barely write right now since my hands are shaking too much so I’ll write after the ceremony.

Next day

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Seeing Archer stand in front of me with a ring on his finger made me cry with joy. I’m a little embarrassed since when we were both standing at the end of the alter, I was so happy to see Archer that I broke tradition by grabbing him and kissing him harshly. Everyone made a joke how that was supposed to happen at the end of the ceremony but I don’t care. I couldn’t help myself. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Three weeks later

I have another art show! A real one! But this one is all about me and my art! Can you believe it?? I can’t! AND Scout is having kittens!!! This is such a wonderful day!!!

Years later

Archer finished med school today. I was really proud of him but then something really serious was brought up. We talked about having kids. A while back we agreed it would be best if we waited until he was done with school to start a family and now we can. I think we’re going to start.

Weeks later

Someone answered our adoption ad. We’re finally starting our family.

Another month later

I’m such an idiot. Today I was trying to baby-proof the whole house to get ready for our little boy or girl that should be here in a few months while Archer was at work. It’s safe to say I didn’t do too well. I accidentally locked myself out on the balcony in our bedroom while I was baby-proofing it. There was nothing I could do except wait for Archer to get home so I sat outside and started to think about the baby. It got bad fast. If I’m able to lock myself outside so easily how am I supposed to take care of a kid? I’m going to be an awful parent.

A few days later

I brought up what happened on the balcony to a few of my friends that I share a studio with. They laughed at me and I had to try my best to not cry in front of them. They kept reminding me it was okay and that accidents happen and that I’ll make a great parent. I sighed. They said that I locked myself out because I wanted to make sure the baby will be as safe as possible and if I couldn’t get inside then I guess the baby can’t get outside so I did a good job. I guess they’re right.

Seven months later

The baby was born today. I cried, of course. We have a little baby girl. She’s so perfect I can hardly believe she’s real. I love her so much and she hasn’t been in our lives for twenty four hours yet.

We named her Vera.

Next week

Vera is such a princess and I love her so much even if she starts to scream in the middle of the night. Today after Archer went to work, I brought her to my art studio. It was a hot day so I put her on her baby blanket on the ground and laid her down on it and took off her onesie and left her in her diaper. She slept soundly but I still like to think she had fun. Of course I talked to her even though she’s a baby who can’t understand me and was asleep, I just need to tell her that I love her to death. She woke up after a bit and was scared that she was in an unfamiliar place so she started to cry. Her wails break my heart, I never want to see my daughter cry. I held her closely and sang her soft lullabies. After she calmed down a bit I showed her some of my paintings. She accidentally touched the one I was working on and got her tiny hand covered in red paint but it gave me an idea. I took out a blank canvas and took her palm and pressed it against the corner. For each child Archer and I have, I’ll add a new addition and since Vera’s was red, I’ll go in the order of the rainbow. It’s safe to say that Vera liked my studio.

A month later

My dad died today. My aunt called to tell me. The funeral is next week. I’m going but I’m not going to stay for very long, especially if my mom is there.

Next week

I brought Vera to the funeral today just because I wanted her to get out of the house. Also she has a really cute outfit that I wanted to show off but that’s another story. The first person I saw there was my mom. Her eyes were clear like she hadn’t been crying. She’s also pregnant. Apparently my parents were divorced years ago and she was remarried and working on her second child in that marriage. She noticed the ring on my finger and Vera and her eyes lit up. She asked me who the lucky lady was. I had to pause and tell her I didn’t have a wife, I have a husband. Her eyes grew wide and she hit me. She told me I was going to hell and I told her I’d meet her there and left. I didn’t even stay for the ceremony.

A few days later

I haven’t left the house in a few days. I sit at home and watch Vera and think about my mother. She was an awful parent. She threw me out of the house when I was eighteen for one bad mistake I made then didn’t talk to me for years. When we did talk she told me to go to hell. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about her but I can’t stop. She was so awful and I don’t want to be that bad a parent. I want Vera to grow up so strong and beautiful and always come to me or Archer when she’s feeling down or scared or anything. I just want to be there in her life but how will I do that if I’m awful at being a parent?

The next month

I’m a great parent. I’ve started seeing a therapist right after that mental breakdown. She’s so incredible and she helped me so much. She told me I’m bigger than my mother and that Vera will be a part of my life and I believed her. On another note, Archer and I put up another adoption ad. It looks like we’re going to have another member of our family.

Right before high school reunion

I’ve made it. I’m a real artist. Archer’s a real doctor too, we’re both living our dreams. And on top of that, we have a big family. I come home every day to six little munchkins attacking me. We have six kids and I couldn’t be happier. Six kids and six colours of the rainbow! It fit perfectly on my canvas! I love my life and I love my family.

Hopefully I’ll still love everyone from high school too.

[alveradiaz]

“It’s fine. I mean- Yeah. What kind of middle aged couple would we be if we didn’t use pet names. Even CJ and I call one another baby and babe.” She nodded following her own words, figuring he had probably seen or heard her and CJ using the nicknames for one another anyways. “That’s adorable.” If she was being honest, she felt the same way about CJ, but she couldn’t allow herself to think of a future with him since she didn’t plan to stick around for very long. Her time was ticking down, and she wasn’t going to make any promises to him that she wouldn’t be able to keep. “I’m sure he would like all of that, but he shouldn’t have to. I want him to be with a girl who looks at him like he put the stars in the sky, and who will be there for him no matter what. I want him to be genuinely happy, one hundred percent of the time. No petty fights, no history of cheating, no dead children. He deserves that.” She didn’t want to have to see him with said person, but it all sounded good in theory. “Well you’re a romantic and I’m a cynic. I’m usually fine with you and Archer, and I’m also fine with any PDA I’m involved in.” She let her voice lighten for the last bit, passing it off as a joke. “Yeah. Who needs ‘til divorce do us part of a bunch of little mini me’s running around anyways?”

[mattfosss]

“I guess my parents did call each other ‘dear’ or ‘darling’ every once and a while. Yeah, I’ve noticed that and I think it’s sweet,” he admits with a bright smile. Matthew’s eyes stopped blinking by the time he thought they were dry enough that tears wouldn’t spill over. “Adorable? I’m about to cry because my boyfriend and I are gonna live far apart. That’s not that adorable, if I were you I would think I was being pathetic since I already am,” he sighs. It was out, he considered himself a pathetic nobody. A part of him wishes he could take it back and keep it hidden in the dark for another long period of time but the other part felt like his shoulders suddenly became lighter. “He also deserves someone who loves him and who’s been with him through thick and thin and everything in between and that’s you, Alvera,” Matthew kept trying to pick up her spirits but was worried that it wasn’t even helping. “You’re okay with me and Archer? Thank god because I love holding his hand in public to let everyone know he’s my boyfriend,” he shrugged a bit. “Hey, you never know, maybe you and your husband or wife could last forever.”

[christianwbu-blog1]

“Oh, that’s great. Maybe he’ll drag you out to the dance floor. It really is fun once you get into it.” Christian was starting to cool down as the conversation continued, grateful for the distraction. “I’m here with Jo. As friends. But I’m hoping we’ll be more than that by the end of prom. I don’t know, we’ll see.”

[mattfosss]

“I hope he doesn’t. I’m kind of an awful dancer,” Matt admits shamefully, shrugging his shoulders a bit. “Jo? Oh I saw her earlier. So you’re hoping you might leave as boyfriend and girlfriend?”

[itsfivesos]

[amenalcohol]

[mack-will]

mashton appreciation // requested by anonymous

[lauraslittlespoon]

[alveradiaz]

“Sweetheart sounds like something a white parent would call their child, but I’ll accept it. I do, but for this domestic fantasy we’re envisioning, no nicknames would be an outrage.” Alvera reached out instinctively, her hand wrapping around his wrist in a gesture she hoped was comforting. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re really in love with one another, so I’m sure you’ll make it working. Coming from someone who once gave up everything for love without a second thought, I guess it’s a pretty easy thing to do.” She tried to console him, having no idea if it was working. “I don’t think he even knows where he’s going, and I wouldn’t want to bog him down. He deserves to go out and have a good time, not worry about his needy unemployed girlfriend who only moved in with him to fuck him and fights with him when they’re not doing that.” She shrugged, refusing to agree with the idea, although she knew if CJ proposed it she would be weak enough to agree in a heartbeat. “Definitely. People hate it. I hate straight PDA, but unfortunately I’m a girl who’s dating a boy which kind of makes us a straight couple.” She tried to laugh, although there wasn’t any real humour in her words. She let him take her hand, sighing slightly, “I’m okay with us not ending up together, Matt. He deserves the rest of his life with someone who would love him unconditionally, and that’s not me. I’ve accepted I’ll never be anyone’s wife or mother.”

[mattfosss]

“Are you sure you’re okay with sweetheart? I can call you something else if you’d like that better. Really? You think no nicknames would be weird?” he asked, crinkling his nose up in confusion. Matthew let out a breath of relief but still unsure. “It’s just- life with Archer is so great and I can’t imagine not holding his hand everyday,” his voice breaks as if he’s about to burst into tears and he curses himself for it. He hated himself for looking so pathetic in front of his best friend, who he considered one of the strongest and bravest people he ever knew, and here he was, about to cry because his boyfriend was moving. “Hey, you never really know. Maybe he’d like all that,” he kept attempting to cheer her up. “I’ve never really minded it, honestly. I always thought it was sweet to see two people holding hands in public. So you’re okay with me and Archer in that case?” Matt asked, again cursing himself. “A-are you sure you’re okay with it?”

[starsfadingbutilingeron]

[written-in-pen]

We need to get you home,“ He says, attempting to keep me steadily standing. “No,” I groan, “you don’t understand.” His eyes roll before asking, “What don’t I understand?” “I am home,” I hiccup, letting a giggle follow, “You are my home.

E. Grin (via lehanewrites)

@adidasrpc

(via totsofrp)

[alveradiaz]

“I.. Actually have no idea. Maybe just honey?” She shrugged, not really sure how to answer that question. “What do you mean? I thought you and Archer were all about forever and all that shit.” The girl raised her eyebrows at the other after her question, honestly confused by his negativity at his own relationship. “We have been through a hell of a lot. It would be anticlimactic to just break up after all of this, but that’s how it will probably go. I can’t handle distance. I need constant sex and he wouldn’t be able to give that to me if we lived far away.” She explained, hoping that her words wouldn’t make the other uncomfortable. “Any situation that needs a distraction, probably. PDA makes people uncomfortable, which would be exactly the goal.” She shrugged again, “I do.”

[mattfosss]

“Maybe I’ll call you sweetheart, I’ve always liked that pet name. But I thought you hated nicknames?” Matthew asked. “We are, we really are. It’s just- he’s leaving next week and at the end of the summer I’m going down to San Francisco and I just- I don’t know, I’m scared,” he admits sadly, his eyes blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay. “What if- what if you went with him? I mean, every power couple has to move in together at some point, right?” Matt suggested, staring down into her shimmering emerald eyes, his identical ones wide in hopes she would agree. “PDA makes people uncomfortable?” he asked, making a mental note to tone down his with Archer. “Hey,” he reached down and grabbed her hand. “It’s gonna be okay.”

[its-bomendez-deactivated2016101]

“You don’t know how to dance? You realise I’m not asking you to dance at the ballet or something so there is like no right way to do it”

[mattfosss]

“I mean, initially yeah I know how to dance I just can’t dance all that great. Besides, I’ve only danced at one of these school gatherings once before and even then I’m sure Alvera thought I was bad.”

[alveradiaz]

“I’m pretty sure that’s how the middle aged white ladies say it, so it’s the perfect title for me to call you in this relationship.” She laughed, “That’s very nice of you. I’ll keep that in mind when your wedding day rolls around.” She nodded as if she were committing the fact to memory before shrugging her shoulders, “A lot of things, I guess. We’re in love but sometimes that’s just not enough. It’s a nice thought, but I just don’t see me and him ending up together.” She tried to stick to the easier reasons, hoping he would accept them as the truth and not dig any further on the topic. “No problem. If you ever need a distraction that involves me getting to grope CJ, I’m on board.” She tried to joke to hopefully lighten the mood. “We won’t.”

[mattfosss]

“Then what am I supposed to call you if I’m ‘hubby’?” Matthew questioned. “If a wedding day rolls around,” he sadly corrected her with a sigh. “I see you guys ending up together. You’ve been through a hell of a lot this whole year, who says you can’t handle a little distance?” Matt shrugs his shoulders, his voice full of hope that they would actually last. He laughed a bit and nodded his head. “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind but I’m not entirely sure how many situations you would need to do that in,” Matthew admitted. “I don’t believe that.”

[its-bomendez-deactivated2016101]

Bo thought for a second before giggling slight. “I’m not sure I can make that promise but I give you permission to laugh at me too.”

[mattfosss]

Matthew sighed again but looked up at the other girl. “Okay fine, but you have to lead the dance because I don’t know how to.”

[jackparkson-blog]

“ We’ll both just take a vow to open our eyes or something, ”  he grinned, turning to look at everyone on the dancefloor before looking back to him. “ You know, I almost feel inclined to believe you but you’re standing pretty close to the sidelines. ”  He explained, drumming his hands on his thighs a moment. “ I’m pretty good, actually— ‘Ve been sorta waiting around for them to bring out the next platter of shrimp though.  It’s been like, twenty minutes. ”

[mattfosss]

Matthew nodded, agreeing with the other before he looked down at his feet. “Why wouldn’t you believe me?” Matt asked, looking up at the boy. “Oh. Is the shrimp good? I haven’t had any.”

[stfuaaliyah-blog]

“I don’t know what you were saying because I zoned out, but let’s talk about an important topic here like graduation.”

[mattfosss]

“Oh- I was saying how I was gonna really miss Archer after he leaves... Sorry if I bored you. I guess we can talk about that.”

[lukawth]

‘ can you stop talking so fucking fast, I literally don’t know what you just said! ‘

[mattfosss]

“Sorry, I was just excited. I said I found this old stuffed animal of mine that goes ‘Pika Pika!’ when you squeeze it.”