I’m starting something new with this blog.
I’m going to speak my mind. I will be blunt, and I will be honest.
My spilled guts, accompanied by a photograph.
2/1/17
When I was growing up, my dad would always paraphrase Franklin D. Roosevelt: “You have nothing to fear but fear itself.” To this day, I hear those words whenever I experience some sense of terror; however, I’ve found them powerless against the distressing situations I’ve endured lately. In the last 24 hours, I lied to avoid three separate social situations, each of which involved leaving the house and meeting up with friends or coworkers. The bailing-out of those gatherings is a result of a sort of chronic uncertainty and nervousness I’ve only come to terms with in the past two years or so, but has been developing for at least five. I rarely talk about it because I’m not certain of its origins nor why I don’t feel like this all the time.
You would imagine I would be relieved after cancelling those plans, but I felt like a jerk, a bad friend, a liar. I don’t want to avoid friends and social situations, but at times, I can’t bring myself to put on my boots and walk out the door. I then feel immense guilt and panic, like I’m the antagonist in my own life.
Bent on “naming the dragon” in order to defeat it, as Jonathan Goldstein once put it, I looked for an explanation.
According to an article published in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, nearly a third of the U.S. population suffers from an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, and not even half of those that suffer receive treatment. Among these anxiety disorders, social anxiety is the third largest psychological disorder in the country. For those unaware, social anxiety, or social phobia, is “the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations,” as defined by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. This fear can cause severe paranoia and even negative physical responses in the individual (including trembling, nausea, sweating, and an increased heart rate), and in turn take control of certain aspects in their life. Something as simple and fleeting as saying hello to passersby on the street or answering a phone call seem near impossible, or fill them with dread and stop them in their tracks. What is interesting is that the sufferer recognizes the fear as irrational, and yet halting the symptoms is not an option. For these individuals, “facing your fears” is a daily inevitability, yet the anxiety still persists.
What throws me off is that I don’t always feel this way. I may make an impulsive decision and walk downtown to grab a drink, or accept an invitation to a coworker’s get-together with no problem. Other times, I pace around a section of the bookstore for minutes before building up the courage to ask an employee for help. This is one of the reasons why I haven’t sought out ongoing help with it all. In my mind, if I don’t feel crushing anxiety in every applicable situation, it can’t be an anxiety disorder - “Perhaps it’s only temporary,” I think irrationally. I am coming to terms that it is not temporary, and that in order to overcome this ordeal, I’m going to have to work hard, and accept help from others.
I don’t want to use my issues to excuse my behavior, but I want to be open about this. The fear of being treated differently or becoming associated with the negative stigmas that may accompany mental disorders has held me back until this point, and unfortunately I’m not the only person who keeps this distress hidden. Among those who are afflicted with an anxiety disorder in the U.S., under 50% receive some sort of help and/or medical care according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Like many others in this country, I know of family, friends, and coworkers who battle anxiety, some who are seeking treatment and some who are not. I don’t want my actions due to anxiety to discredit me as a person in any way; I would rather have this be the inception of conversation about mental health, social relationships, and transparency. Those with mental disorders, like anyone with some sort of disability or ailment, are no less of a person, and should be treated with the patience and respect that everyone deserves.
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