美

My random thoughts, photos and more

[mayakji]

就活

久しぶりにタンブラーを開けてみた。

最後のポストは1571days ago。つまり4年前以上前の誕生日。

4月からは大学6年目を迎えるものの、本当の学年は大学3年生。就活真っ只中にある。

私は、この自分のジェットコースターのような感情をここに書き残したい。そして整理したいと思う。

[mayakji]

Boat Party on the Thames

[mayakji]

Boat Party on the Thames

いろんな人とわちゃわちゃできて本当に楽しかった！たまにはこういう息抜き大事💓いい日でした💓

photo

[mayakji]

Girl’s talk with tea and cupcakes

pc: My friend K

[mayakji]

Nightmare

This is about a nightmare I saw 2 nights ago so some bits of my memory is very vague.

I was sitting on a field with my sister and thousands of people were sitting in many lines. It was like a reunion and I was sitting in the line with my old classmates from middle school in Japan having fun time. The field was very loud and sky was dim.

Me and my sister left the field and crossed a big street in front of the field. We turned around and the place where there was that field before, was a huge brick wall with a gate. From there, hundreds of people came out, everyone wearing black. It was a funeral. I don't know why but I knew there was some friends of my mom driving us home so we crossed the road again and started to look for the person. While we were searching, I really wanted to go to a cafe(i don't know what i wanted but i had to go somewhere) so I went into a cafe.

I forgot where I found it. It might be on my way to a cafe or inside the shop. I found a dead man body and instantly thought I have to hide it. I dragged the body into a cafe’s accessible toilet. I don't know why but to hide it,  alchemy instantly came to my mind. Alchemy is a “a power or process of transforming something common into something special” http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/alchemy (Alchemy in Hagane no Renkinjyutsushi) I wanted to use the toilet to hide the body by transforming it to into Human toilet.(I know, its is crazy) So I put the body into the toilet, flushed and said a magical spell or something for alchemy to happen. The body sucked into the toilet. However, the spell didn't work and the alchemy failed. I washed my hand in the sink next to me and while I was washing, the clear water gradually turned into red. I was washing my hand in a cold blood water.

Cafe staff was knocking and told me to get out from the toilet. So i quickly left as if nothing had happened inside. The staff started screaming inside and I was caught in 2seconds. I had a small peek in the toilet and there were pieces of organs with blood all over the floor. Other staff came and very calmly and quietly said he would call the police. I asked him, “will I be put into jail?”, and he replied whispering into my ears “Most probably.” I was terrified to hell, my mind was blank and devastated of how my life is going to be over. 

I woke up just there. The most scary thing about this dream is my instinctive judgement after seeing the body. Without thinking I was trying to hide it. I could have told someone or ignore it but I just dragged the body in and try to do something. Another thing is that when I was told that I am put in a prison, first thing that came to my mind was about myself. It should have been guilts or regrets but instead I was just scared of the lost in my reputation. I am telling my friends and writing this because this has to end in the dream.

[mayakji]

考える

友達によく、考える時日本語で考えるのか、英語で考えるのかよく聞かれる。そう問われた時、わたしは、日本語で読み書き話す時は日本語で考え、英語で読み書き話す時は英語で考えると答えていた。

けれど、最近多くの難しい概念が出てくるエッセイを書いていると、表現したいことや概念が頭の中には浮かんでるものの、英語でも日本語でも出てこないことがある。頭の中に、雲が浮かぶものの、どのような形をしているか人に説明することが難しい。

そんなときわたしは”ことば”として考えているのではなく、先に概念を考え、そこにそれを説明するための言葉を後から探しているのかと分かる。簡単な概念の言葉は日常的に使っているから頭の引き出しで瞬間的に”ことば”とつなげることができるけど、普段使用しない概念は頭の中から言葉を見つけるのに苦労するからこういう現象が起こるんだと思う。

つまり、わたしは考えるとき雲を見るときどんな形かいちいち頭の中で説明しないように、多分、無意識の状態では英語でも日本語でも考えていない、という答えが一番近い気がした。

[mayakji]

Study in the Library

Studying in one of the University of London libraries... Readings did not go well as I thought. The silence was what interrupted me from concentrating and created many thoughts in my mind, diverting subject from one to another leading a way to procrastination. I love this atmosphere but maybe this is not the place to study for me. See, I am writing my blog now.

[mayakji]

Starting tumblr

Blog entry was one of those things I always wanted to do but could not be bothered to actually sit down and do it. Today, I finally decided to write my words down on here so that I can remember how I’ve felt and what I’ve accomplished throughout the years in Uni. It is always nice to have something to look back on but this isn't just for keeping a record for the future. This is one of the ways of releasing my inner emotional strains which is very separate to my mind itself.  I always liked how I slowly put those indescribable feelings into words and explain them to my dear friends who listens them patiently to process them. That way, I could understand myself better and the insecurity of not knowing what I am thinking or wanting to do eased for a moment. I don't know how I am going to manage my time to write this blog in the very busy time schedule I have with all the works and activities but I feel like it came to a point where I have to face myself before it is too late. This is only to myself posting very random things in English/Japanese so bear with me for poor languages but if you are interested, stayed tuned. :)

[mayakji]

#Kamakura

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Sunshine in the bamboo forest

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Start of something new...

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Love to eat, love to finish. The beauty of an empty dish.

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Tulips

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The Perfect View