I just wrote my mom the most honest email I've ever written. I guess.
I don't know if she'll even read it properly.
We can't talk properly and just.
I am too tired for this shit.
Some of its from my tumblr entries. Some of it's not.
I am going to write you an email, because I cannot seem to be able to talk to you, or have be the supportive mother that I need you to be. I understand that all of this puts financial stress on you, and you are doing a lot for me that way. I understand that. But there is more to support and being a mother than just money. I know you’ve had a hard life. But I don’t understand how you can be the way you are.
You talk to me about stress? The last two weeks have been the least stressful I’ve had so far, all things considering, given my health has been at its worst- but because I didn’t live in fear that my mother calling me and screaming in my ears, like I’m some addict on the streets, squandering away her parents money on cocaine and and Gucci shoes.
I put enough pressure on myself as it is. Do you think this is where I wanted to be? No. I want to be further in school, I want to function like everyone else more than anything. I love school. I am a great student.
I call you time and time again in tears. I rarely cry. I call because I’m a girl that needs a mother, a supportive one, who will be there for her. Each time I call you, I regret calling, because you make me feel worse. How you respond to me otherwise is not in the way I need for you to be, or that any parent should be. I open up to you over and over again, and each time you let me down.
You never listen to me. Really listen to me. You just talk over me and under me, and doubt me constantly. It’s ironic, because you’ve had health struggles all your life. But instead of empathizing, you compare us. As though our struggles are the same, as though our situations are the same. You don’t do it in an inspiring way. It’s in a way that is down right mean. The texts you send me? They’re awful.
You know that I have developed the spinal pain. Then burning/shooting pains along my left leg. For years I’ve had issues with my left side, some drooping ptosis on my left eye. I’ve been losing weight, getting bruises, etc, for a year now. I am eating twice as much now and I still am losing weight. I’m no longer under 90 pounds, but I haven’t gained much. Between October and November, I went up maybe to 94, back down again to 92. Given that I stopped exercising, and increased my calorie take…it’s not normal. More recently, my left arm, it just burns. Oh, and my face. So my whole left side burns/tingles. My grip is considerably worse in that hand than the right. But worse than it used to be. I drop things left and right. My memory is questionable.. And yes, I do have swelling, you have seen photos. I shouldn’t have to constantly being trying to prove those things to you.
Still coughing up blood here and there. Been breaking more things in the last few days/dropping things, usually with my left hand. It’s actually horribly embarrassing and people just think I’m klutzy. They have told me. Strangers have noticed. Dropped my keys in the door last night, again, tried to pull it out with my left hand. The neighbours maybe just thought I’m drunk. I am not.
I had a sleep study last week, at night and they tested me during the day. I know I fell asleep abnormally fast, multiple times, and I also dreamt. That is also not normal. And side note: people with clinical depression do not actually sleep. They spend copious amounts of time in bed doing nothing, not reading, not sleeping, not doing anything.
These things are all related. I guarantee it.
I’m going broke from these specialized medical tests, OHIP doesn’t cover them. Spent $90 here, $90 there, 6 more vials of blood. I googled some of the tests, autoimmune stuff, I guess.
Internal specialist is worried about the the size of my blood cells- I’m not iron deficient or any of those things so there’s no reason for them to be the size they are. In the meantime, also waiting for a hematologist to see what’s going on. The specialist doesn’t want to send me to a neurologist until after my MRI, which is in about 2 weeks- as there are so many different types of neurologists.
He also seems to think that I’ve got nerve disruption, which I could have told you four years ago. It’s just getting worse. He tested my left hand and it is weak. And wobbly. Given that I exercise and my body, all things aside, is actually in good shape…everything is messed up. He did notice there is a large difference between my two hands.
It’s easy for me to pretend I’m fine and dandy, because I don’t like to look like I feel. But you don’t care. Or seem to want to understand. Pretty sure I can’t just power through this /ignore things. And whatever is going on…it’s not the same as whatever you’ve experienced, Mom. You have been through a lot, but I am so much younger.
None of this means I am coming home next semester. School wise, things can be handled. They are being accommodating. I am just on a hiatus. It will be fine. And for whatever else, things have been refunded.
If I can look into getting a job, and I can presumably handle the job, I will do that. I don’t know. Unlike you, I am putting my health first. I don’t want this to eat away at me until I become both a physical and emotional mess.
Time to go clean out bits of blood in the sink.
All The Love - Maria Mena (Lyrics in Description)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk2WDX8xNTY
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