“Haven’t you noticed the recurring theme of me being unable to sway him on anything? I’m flattered that you have such faith in me, but…. it’s definitely misplaced.” The dog had stopped to glance at M’gann when she’d said his name, so Wally jiggled the lead to get him moving again. “I hope you realise you’d be paying if we did go, I spent all my money on gummy bears.” He cringed slightly. “Again. I guess that’s another tip: keep track of your finances, or find someone who can. Not everyone has as wide a budget as Batman. For me that may or may not have an effect on acquiring protein, you see how these things spiral out of control if you don’t stick to all the rules?” Despite the serious tone of M’gann’s question, Wally couldn’t help but snort with laughter. “Lmao no, have you met me? Hero’s don’t kill, they just don’t. Besides, pulling a trigger on a gun? It’s the easy way out; it’s for people who aren’t skilled, patient or moral enough to subdue non-lethally. And you can bet that I’m a well-trained professional.” He thumbed himself in the chest with a cocky grin. “Besides, superspeed, remember? Who needs lethal force when you can tie the bad guys up before they even know you’re there. And as an addendum, I’m sure you’ve met Jason. He kills, or has killed, or will kill, wherever his head’s at now. And no one wants to be Jason, the guy’s a jerk.”
“That or they’re a divergent race. Aren’t there those Unhuman people or whatever they’re called, they have a magic dog or something. I don’t know if he talks, but I wouldn’t be surprised.” He ruffled the back of his hair in bewilderment as M’gann seemingly planned his diet out for him, but decided it was better to nod in acquiescence instead of falling in to a debate that he would lose either way. “Yeah, Potassium, Vitamin A, Mithril, Unobtanium, all the core food groups, of course. As long as they can be thrown onto or accompanying a steak it’s a win for me.”
Wally cocked an eyebrow at M’gann, saying nothing as he mulled over her confession. “So let me get this straight.” He muttered eventually. “Your sole act of teenage rebellion was to…. vandalise your school’s own mascot?” His jaw worked furiously for a few seconds as he tried to articulate his thought process. “You… you realise that’s a terrible prank right? You got peer pressured into committing vandalism, but you didn’t even deface the mascot of a rival school?” Wally laughed, hard and loudly. He rubbed the tear that had formed in the corner of his eye with his palm, then gave M’gann a pitying smile. “You’re so sweet that you can’t even commit small crimes, which is just about the most adorable thing ever.” He put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her in close to him. “I think your karmic slate’s been wiped clean by this point.”
“Ah yes, Stage Coaches, the readily available and still widely used method of transportation across all of the untamed frontiers.” Wally tapped his nose sagely. “You know, I actually can swim in gold. The speed force generates a forcefield around my body, otherwise I’d be ripped apart by the G force every time I hit lightspeed. But it also passively repels most objects unless they’re coming at me with a lot of force, so gold coins would move around me similarly to water. Fascinating stuff, really.” He scratched his chin in though. “I think the only cowboys that use accordions live in New Orleans, and that’s a bit muggy for tastes. We’ll just have to blow into a jug or something? Which will discount me from singing at all, sadly. Such a shame!”
“Esteemed might be a strong word, but I’ll take what I can get. Though to make it convincing maybe we leave the tying-up rope at home. Generally speaking, bringing methods of restraint on a date is considered a faux pas. Learned that the hard way.” He made an exaggerated pained expression, but quickly transitioned to a genuine smile. “Though under the lights by the water has the potential to be a nice time, violence or no violence.”
“The word ‘share’ implies a certain amount of even distribution, which is definitely not a concept this fat idiot would accept.” When Brucely looked up at Wally, it almost looked like the dog was grinning. “We need to brush you up on Earth pop culture.” He groaned, shaking his head in despair. “Dick Dastardly and Muttley was right there, and you shot right past it to Dastardly’s lame, Canadian cousin.” Wally bit his lower lip, trying to make a count in his head. “I’m gonna exercise my Right to Silence on this one, as I feel like my answer my incriminate me on the charges of being the Western Hic Boyfriend ™ to the Sophisticated City Girl ™.”
“I’m not convinced that he can actually convince you,” she interrupted herself to make kissy noises at Brucely when he looked back at her, “to do anything.” M’gann gave Wally a look of befuddlement. “You know I’m good for it. I’m not exactly loaded myself, but it’s amazing what a good budget and a very favorable living situation can do for one’s savings. I think I might even be able to swing a couple ounces of toppings for you.” She pretended to actually calculate it. Nodding her head back and forth and doing the numbers in the air before them. “Yes. I can swing exactly four ounces of toppings without blowing my food budget.” She turned away, trying not to laugh at him as he continued. “Can you imagine if I were only with you for your money, Wally? I’d be the world’s worst gold digger.”
“Did you seriously just leh-mao me?” M’gann quirked her head to the side, gaping. “Here? On this, the day of my daughter’s wedding you ‘L-M-A-O’ me? Harsh.” She took his point, though. He brought some levity to a profoundly serious matter and she appreciated it. Gave his hand a little squeeze and shared a small smile. “Of course, I should have known. Once and always a professional, Mr. West. The kind of hero I’d like to be.” She meant that. For all his swagger, Wally was a real hero and she admired him greatly. He was brave and strong and true. It was just about enough to make her swoon. But she didn’t think his head needed to get any bigger, so she left it at that. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”
“Possible. The Inhumans do have some unusual, powered animals. Do they all have powers though? It seems like only Shaggy has that super speed.” It took her a minute to figure out why Wally was giving her that funny look. “Don’t forget upsidaisium. Wal, when you’re nervous about something you can always talk to me about it. I promise I have no intention of correcting your diet. I might throw in a few extra vegetables when I cook for you. Might even try to teach you about the wonderful world of squash one of these days. But I’m not saying any of this to try and… control you. I like you how you are.” She paused, then added, “I might get you some gummy-vitamins from Costco, but I genuinely think you’ll like those.”
M’gann waited solemnly for Wally to find the words to express his shock and disapproval. She could sense the gears turning. Feel a lot of emotions that seemed closer to amusement than expected. “It wasn’t my sole act of teenage rebellion, but it was the only one where I committed a crime! We gave him a mustache and genitals. We sprayed a shaving cream penis onto Willie the Wombat like hooligans! How are you laughing at this?” Monica and George had laughed, too, come to think of it. “I’m not sweet! I’m… I’m… I’m hoping you’re right about my karmic slate.” She let out a little laugh of her own, starting to come around. “It would be a bit excessive if, like, an underhanded villain abducted me or something because the universe is still angry that I defaced the statue of a beloved marsupial.” M’gann nuzzled her head into his neck. “I’m not adorable. I’m a miscreant. You should watch out lest I drag you down into my bed of deceit.”
“I mean, that’s how I’d want to get around. Unless you’re planning on running me and your musical instruments from Tombstone to Dodge and everywhere in between.” She shot him a toothy grin. “That’s so cool. So, when you’re swimming in actual water, can you swim without getting wet? Would the forcefield repel the water too? I know it doesn’t come up super often, but what about quicksand? What about molten lava?” She was nothing if not curious. “I could use telekinesis on the coins, but I think I’d prefer just phasing through them.” M’gann gave him a tiny nod. “Just as long as you’ll sing for me in private, sometimes. I prefer your voice to any jug.”
“Just pick a night and say the word,” she answered, returning his smile. “I’m all yours.”
“You might be surprised,” she started. She caught a look at Brucely’s grin. “Then again, maybe you’re right.” M’gann opened her mouth to argue, but, to her dismay, she found herself agreeing with Wally. “My Earth pop culture is fine, thank you very much. In most areas.” She glanced away very quickly, then circled back to her point. “I already know about Dastardly and Muttley. I just forgot! So there.” She shook her head at him. “I grew up on a homestead and spent my first years on Earth in an Australian suburb. Yeah, I lived in Melbourne for University, but I think it’s a bit of a stretch to call me a Sophisticated City Girl ™. I think I’m just a Sophisticated Girl ™ who is very lucky to have a Dashing Nebraskan Boyfriend ™ and his unknowably vast collection of western belt buckles.”
