Welcome to my vortex...

I am many labels but most of all I am a human being in the present moment

[maychildwriter333]

I’m in this weird mood where I’m depressed, content, wanting to be slow, observant, spiritual and in my thoughts. I feel like not talking to anyone and cutting out the world till I can do what I have to.

Might be what I need.

I feel something about to come on but I don’t know what yet.

I just feel the need to prepare.

[maychildwriter333]

While life is ending and childhood is put into boxes. I’m staring at old photographs of what you used to be. The way you stare up at me, all that love and admiration…Will I ever feel that from another being?

I watched you give it all to men who didn’t fully give it 100%

Not till…it was too late.

Was it worth it?

What I have learned from this situation is not to rush, pay attention to loving me and don't pull my kid through this ringer just because I want to be loved.

In the end…it isn’t worth it.

Because when I’m gone…I don’t want to leave any pain, any suffering, any fights, and unfinished business. I want everyone to play my favorite songs, let me go and be okay with letting me go. No stress, no upset. Just mourn the way they are supposed to.

Death has brought me to think this….

In this short life, I want to live happy and also, ready for the unplanned. I have a span after all who has to go on without me one day.

For now, I am enjoy what I have now :)

[maychildwriter333]

I declare this to be my day to be celibate. I’ve been without sex for a few months. But I’m counting today DAY ONE.

I want to practice this because I want to find out a new way about going about relationships. And don’t want to have sex fast because it truly fucks with my energy, my mind and even my body. I also want to do this to gain a relationship with myself FIRST.

So here it is. A declaration to myself to remain celibate till I have a connection/relationship that is true.

This will truly be an adventure 🙌🏻🙌🏻.

Nervous about saying “no” to men/women. But it’s going to be worth it. I will weed out those who aren’t worth it real quick.

One thing I will not count in this is self pleasuring 🥰. I will self pleasure.

Day one!!🙌🏻🙌🏻

Ps. No promise on updates. But I’ll aim for once a month to visit this.

[maychildwriter333]

Days I feel like I should go back to being a cold, ice queen.

Maybe I should go back to that.

I hate liking people. If never goes my damn way. 🙄 how come everyone else gets what they want and I don’t?

I’m over it

[maychildwriter333]

Some days I feel unloveable…

Most days I know I’m the baddest bitch and I have the most love. My person is just waiting for me while I go through my journey….

I just need to breathe and keep going. Stop getting stuck on no bodies.

[whendidmythoughtsgocrazy]

“I want to find someone who feels just intensely about me as I do about them.”

— k.b. // where do i finally meet someone like that (via whendidmythoughtsgocrazy)

[maychildwriter333]

Been a while and I naturally feel bad.

Quick update.

I’m over what I was bitching out 98 days ago *dramatic laughter*

*long sigh*

Now let’s move on.

Hello, hi, how are you? I’ve been striding through. Cutting out old ties and moving onto bigger things.

With bigger things, I mean loving myself. ❤️. I only what I want. Even if it is uncomfortable and ugly sometimes, I would not trade this journey.

Thank you for reading.

[maychildwriter333]

Hey ☺️☺️☺️☺️😘😘😘been a whole Tumblr

[maychildwriter333]

Here is to my first love of my life. *holds up a toast to cheers*

I thank you writing for being there every step of the way. I thank you right hand on never stopping the flow. Even if your words were jumbled or did not make sense....they still came out. Just like a dying patient needs their life support, I need writing just the same.

Thank you writing. I am in love with you.

[maychildwriter333]

It is the beginning of the month and here I am, writing a blog I’ve promised not to neglect.

One day I will be better at writing every day. For now, it is what it is. I figure this journey is called life out.

I ended things with that woman I’ve been obsessing over through this blog. I had to let go finally, even though everything in me wants to call her again and go right back in the round and round game that we are in (here is to repeating cycles *raises glass*). But my soul is telling me something different, my body is feeling naturally sick from going right back on the roller coaster and my mind is telling me: “No way, girl, do you really want to put your child through this?”.

You see, I’ve done this before. With a man, who is my child’s father. He was an addict who could never stay by my side. He was always straying to another girl who was probably hooked on drugs, just like him. In the end, it left me with a newborn child, not much money and having to beg my parents for help (so grateful for them). I had to pick myself up.

Fast forward seven years later. I’ve been on and off dating. I settled for dating my best friend, who is a woman but I was just playing it safe. It felt right with her at the time but I was not loving her the way she deserved. I even repeated the same toxic habits that my child’s father did to me (cheating *eye roll*). And I felt the lowest, I had to break it off for her heart.

Now here I am, after ending another relationship that was starting to repeat the same patterns as my child’s father (addiction, the yelling, the fighting, the feeling of walking on eggshells, etc.). I had to take twenty steps back and ask myself: Do I really want to repeat this same cycle?

The answer is simple. No.

So I sit here with my life still in my hands. No bruises, no cuts, no wear down after a brutal relationship . Just a little heartache. I still have everything else that I’ve ever worked for. Now, I just need to work on me.

No more dating till I get me solved <3

[maychildwriter333]

[maychildwriter333]

Owing myself this blog. I don’t want to stop writing because it is the only way to keep myself grounded.

This “morning” I woke up crying because the woman that I’m interested in has ghosted me after some intense emotions were shared between the two of us. I felt like my heart was tearing out of my chest and that I was not worth a dime. I kept having thoughts asking me: “What is wrong with me? Why are you not loveable? Why?!”

I did what any female in emotional distress would do: I called my best friend.

She was just in the shower and had consoled me in this loving manner reminding me of the woman I have become and who I am becoming. She brought me back to my mind, my body and soul. I took a breath, wiped my tears off my face and pushed aside all the tissues that I had blown my sorrow into.

I thanked her. I told my best friend that I appreciated her very existence because I needed her voice at that moment.

From there, I let her get on with her beautiful life and kissed the phone after hanging up. How I was blessed with such a friendship, I don’t know but it brought me back.

I got myself out of bed and made my way out of my room to the rest of the house. I kissed and hugged my child; feeling his pureness.

From there I went straight to my meditation/yoga practice I do every time I wake up each day.

What I learned today? It is okay to feel. One thing my best friend kept saying was: Feel. Deal. Move on.

This is true.

We have to feel our emotions and we have to deal with them accordingly without judgment. From there, we need to pick ourselves off the ground and move on. Sometimes dealing may take weeks….maybe months. Don’t be hard on yourself with how long it takes but promise yourself to move on. It’s too heavy to hold. You’re too precious.

From,

Another emotional, breathing human being.

[maychildwriter333]

Waking up wanting to cry is the worst.....

[maychildwriter333]

Mama bod on point :) 🥰💕🥰🤪😍😍

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Learning to love this body every day I open my eyes.

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Grateful.

[maychildwriter333]

When did I stop dancing?

I never wanna stop,

When that beat hits, even if I don’t know the song first hand, my body already knows.

This is to: remembering.

[maychildwriter333]

I promise, little Tumblr blog, to post something other than my love problems.

But for no....gush, B!

[maychildwriter333]

Fuck me up! Why am I thinking about you? Maybe it was because you were my first girl...correction, my first woman I had anything with. You were the first to make me realize who I truly was, even when I was afraid to know that side of me. You knew what I was when you laid eyes on me and there are days I feel like you are the biggest lesson that came into my life…..even over my son’s father (because men are trivial when you simply gay).

YES! Gay...GAY AS FUCK. I love pussy. Eating it, fingering it, touching it, feeling the wetness on my finger as I feel all her walls. Suddenly when she is rubbing on me and I’m rubbing on her; her touch is ecstasy. A sweaty man on top of me while being inside of me….doesn’t do it for me anymore. My bisexual (defined ass) wants to have sex with a man a few more times before calling it quits. But I’m confident I know what I’m going to end up with. I smile more when it comes to women. I love seeing them, being around them...especially when I’m crushing. I’m not afraid of men like my sister. No...simply I am not into them. Don’t think I ever was.

But off that topic….. I’m back to thinking about you! Why?! I don’t know. Maybe it is because this “other air sign” that I’m fucking around with is driving me up the wall. So delicate in her feelings, and more confusing than you ever were. You were simple. Almost like those algebra equations that I liked to do sitting next to you while you are trying to catch up on sleep.

I let out a sigh as I’m sitting here at work, daydreaming about being with something easier and continue to figure out my feelings for this air sign woman. All I can do is keep moving. No need to look at the past.

But I must ask Cupid something…...what the fuck, man? Can you make this love game a little easier?

Thank you <3

I have a feeling I have to meet him in the middle. Damn Cupid.