sentiments of a twenty something years old, (nakulam ver.)
TW: death & mentioning of abuse
two months late, but hello!
i have been doing this “tradition” since i was sixteen, and the fact that i still do it, despite the transitory nature of life and our inevitability of change, goes to show that I am consistent with this “craft.” however as i age and live this hiram na buhay na bigay ng Maykapal, i have come to realize that:
⭐️ we shouldn’t be pressured by numbers. (up for counter argument kasi ang privileged ng take, self-aware masyado, pasensya) kaya nga siguro hinahayaan ko na lang ‘yung sarili ko na magsulat at magbahagi ng more than or less than the lessons i’ve learned through my lived experiences at the age of twenty-three. gosh aNG TANDA BUT AT THE SAME TIME, ang bata. after all, life is measured by how we decided to live it.
⭐️ ‘wag magsesettle sa pangit na bus. but don’t let it determine the journey on the way home or to somewhere, nowhere even. you can still enjoy the ride, kahit na amoy yosi't epal talaga 'yung konduktor.
⭐️ ‘wag madaliin. actually, galing to sa lasing na kim eh. pero totoo naman. hindi naman talaga dapat minamadali. and ang hirap tanggapin ‘to bilang babae na may invisible kalendaryo’t orasan that conventionally dictate or determine our “worth," at oo, nakakainis lang din minsan dahil aminado akong, minsan, ay napapatigil ako't napapansin 'yung kung anong mata (na alam ko namang social constructs lang 'to) na nagmamanman sa kung nasaan na ba ako Bilang Babae sa lipunang 'to.
⭐️ pero, ‘wag puro huwag. tracing back to angelica’s weaved words through her letter, living our best lives is only one decision away. (pero again, open for counter arguments kasi nabubuhay tayo sa buhay na hindi lahat may choice, as it also equates to our privilege) literally, a simple "yes" or single step can lead you to where you really belong, to your becoming, to your dreams and prayers.
⭐️ sabi rin n’ya, don’t let other people (again) harden your soft heart! having your heart placed in your hand is one of the bravest things one can do. and in fact, i have it in my hand, minsan sa kaliwa, madalas sa kanan. at oo, wala sa sleeves ko. kasi after all, hindi naman lahat ng taong nakakasalubong ko ay may tapang na hawakan ‘yung mga kamay ko eh. :))
⭐️ forgiveness for the self is always the hardest. kaya sana, sana, mas bumawi ka sa sarili mo, Micah. mas mahalin at respetuhin mo pa 'yung sarili mo—'yung puso, utak, katawan, 'yung kabuoan mo. patawarin mo na 'yung bersyon mo na umoo sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat. na hindi naman tapat.
⭐️ we can be healed in the most unexpected ways. as in. kaya sana, kapag dumating o dumadating, huwag sanang I-question. ah, now I remember what our college counselor has told me nung April during our off-campus internship, "hindi ba you prayed for it? bakit mo tinataboy?" bakit nga ba madalas tayong nawiwindang sa magagandang bagay na nangyayari. bakit ba't mas sanay tayong hawakan o yakapin 'yung mga tragedies...
hopefully, this time around, mas makita't mahagkan 'yung mga biyayang bigay. kasi hindi naman ibibigay 'yan sa'yo kung hindi naman talaga para sa'yo iyan, 'di ba?
⭐️ it's okay to feel like you're everywhere. as someone who technically 'moved out' at the age of 18, masasabi kong hindi ko na rin naman talaga alam kung may tahanang inuuwian pa ba ako. "hindi ba maganda nga 'yan," sabi ni Kim as I told her my sentiments regarding this.
sa Bicol naman kasi talaga ako pinanganak. hindi rin naman kami Bulakenya. sa Alabang, halos mahigit ten years pa lang 'yung bahay doon. sa P. Noval naman, doon ko unang naramdaman ang pag-iisa. tumira rin ako sa Boni, isang buwan. sa Padre Faura naman minahal ang pag-iisa. damn, ang dami ko nga kasi talagang inuuwian. and perhaps, baka lang, baka nga, ako naman talaga ang tahanan ko. parang pagong, laging dala ang buong sarili, laging naka-empake sa hulyen kong tote bag na nakaka-trigger ng scoliosis.
⭐️ life is short to not make people feel. ewan ko, pero siguro naging trigger na rin sa'kin 'yung recent death ni mx. c/j. naalala ko si Joy. si Ulap. si Kaylle. at iba pang mga wala na sa buhay ko.
and ever since then, as much as possible, I always try to make people feel how much I love or appreciate their existence in my life. kasi nga 'di ba, "your death doesn't happen to you, it happens to your family and friends" (I always wanna die sometimes, the 1975). kaya siguro, after all, panalangin kong hindi magsisi sa pagmamahal na mayroon ako na piniling ibahagi't ibinabahagi sa iba.
kaya sa'yo, sana napararamdam ko rin na importante ka sa buhay ko. at kung hindi ko man laging nasasabi 'yun, always remember that you're always embedded in my prayers.
(conversation with a friend 2 days ago ata, bwiset naiyak ako sa jeep)
⭐️ grief is nothing, but at the same time, it is everything. it is keeping your dead cat's expired medicine sa fridge, despite him not coming home anymore. it is dull and heavy. it is remembering. but at the same time, it is not remembering.
(an excerpt from a letter sent by moi a year ago via FutureMe)
⭐️ laughing is where we feel the most vulnerable. according to phoebe waller-bridge, "they expose their heart the moment they’re laughing, because they’re relaxed and they’re disarmed." and perhaps, let's say loving may go beyond peeling oranges and shelling pugo eggs. but, what if, loving is merely just the capability or capacity to just laugh with someone. ganoon kasimple.
(with the person who i can always end my sentence or sentiments laughing)
⭐️ you will be saved by the most unexpected people. in the most profound places. by the most serendipitous times. when I think of the times when people just miraculously show up during such DAYS or times when grief interferes on a random Tuesday morning, I can't help but be filled with gratefulness. i guess what I'm trying to point out or ponder on this is that you have no idea that such a simple action can or will serve as a bridge for one person to surpass something inside that resides in them. the world is already cruel (with the systematical oppressions that can be reflected in our day-to-day lives), so choose not to be.
(with the person who saved me and my graduation dress dilemma huhu)
⭐️ may mga taong deserve talaga ng isang malutong na f*ck you. kahit na deserve naman talaga nilang masapak (na fleabag style) or magripuhan dahil sa pananarantado sa buhay mo. pero dahil mabuti kang tao, mas pinili at pinilit ang sarili na mag-settle sa ganitong klaseng closure. after all, si God na nga pala ang nagsulat ng screenplay na 'to.
⭐️ para sa akin, yakap ang paghalik sa puso. (this realization made me research and read more about interpersonal synchronization, what the hell hahaha)
⭐️ our love languages may go beyond the conventional and socially constructed five (love) languages. may mga taong kaya kang ipagbalat ng orange or ponkan. nilagang pugo. ipagbalat ng hipon, or even i-debone 'yung bangus. either ways, nagmamahal tayo sa mga paraang alam natin, sa paraang kaya natin. sa paraang abot at tanaw. ika nga ni Prof. Richard Bolisay, love differs. grounded daw 'yun sa maraming socio-political aspects and contextualized sa estado ng isang tao.
pero question, 'di ba ang hirap mag-debone ng bangus? pwede bang ipag-daing na lang kita using ~bicol~ style?
⭐️ acknowledging your hurt or trauma can take time. and it's okay. growing up, akala ko si Zayn 'yung biggest heartbreak ko. and it took me several years na si Ate pala 'yun—ang biggest heartbreak ko.
on the other hand, it's also okay if you're only realizing an abuse (kung ano mang klase 'yan) only by now. kung kailan naka-usad o ikot na 'yung mundo. kung kailan tapos na, wala na. on the brighter, even brightest side, wala na. tapos na.
according to medifine skin clinic, an average skin cycle is 5-6 weeks. that's why I no longer wear the layers of me that you have once touched and ruined. time has passed. skin has regenerated. hence, i now wear the layers that were finally held tight and in the right way.
⭐️ kapag inantok ako kasama ka, please don't be offended. it's just that my body is comfortable enough to feel sleepy, hence, vulnerable and safe with you. (which is rare) kaya I'm blessed enough to say that the people in my life right now makes me sleepy. jk!
⭐️ the opposite of love is not hate. it's indifference. sabi sa'kin ni minty and kuya, both in different times. ang galing lang.
⭐️ "no matter what comes or goes, God stays." mula sa journal ko. galing ata kung naan, or sa isang Sunday service. pero gusto ko sanang dagdagan. since God shows up through His people, or He uses people to show His grace in goodness to us, I'd like to believe that such kind of people also stays :)
⭐️ "despite all our transgressions, we still desire to be loved. we still desire for human connection. no matter how cruel the world may be. so we beg forgiveness to those who may listen. some (people) would even go as far by punishing themselves just to attain the chance to repair the bridge they once broke. and through empathy, we see through their clenched fists the desperation to be wanted once more. no one is born to be evil; most are just born in unfortunate circumstances." (an excerpt from an essay answered by one of my students from my first-handled section) sabi nila, binabago raw ng Teachers 'yung students nila. pero gusto ko sanang dagdagan. kasi para sa akin, binabago rin ako ng students ko. i remember shedding a tear noong nabasa ko 'yan, sobrang akong na-touched. siguro dala na rin na may dinadala ako noong time na 'yun, na sumakto't sumapul sa kalamnan. pero totoo, hindi naman sa pagrarationalize or intellectualize ng actions sa 'tin ng other people, but, it's true. some of us are merely just born into such circumstances na hindi madaling kumawala because in the first place, hindi naman nila ginustong mapunta doon.
tsaka 'yung 'e' ata sa elisha ko ay: empathy. walang hiya.
⭐️ espasyo muna, babalikan ko 'to promise. medyo nakakalunod mag-munimuni sa mga natutuhan at pilit na matutunan netong nakaraang taon eh. (tama ba grammar ko ohmygosh)
⭐️ (cont. 17 july 2024) you create an impact more than you know. i often hear the quote, hurt people hurt people, and just the other day i saw this post of Ate Janna. story s’ya actually, sa minsanang kong paglulurk sa stories ng mga tao sa FaceBook, masaya ako dahil ito pa talaga ‘yung nakita ko. according to her sentiments, healed people heal people. and tracing back to my _th “lesson”, such a simple note nudged my entirety; kasi it’s true. because i once felt it. or saw it.
⭐️ (cont. 27 july 2024) try reading the same book, watching the same film twice. or even thrice. believe it or not, some things, or perhaps, even a lot of things are worth going back to. balikan, in a sense na hindi pinilit balikan. for instance, i have been re-reading Ang Tundo Man May Langit Din ni Andres Cristobal Cruz, and alongside savoring such, pansin kong mas nadagdagan ‘yung highlights at sulat. footnotes and sentiments na pilit inilalagay sa gilid. realizations that i have only met just now; parang taong matagal nang dinadaanan, or kilala, pero ngayon lang nakita nang malapitan. masinsinan. ganoon din ako sa pelikula. or TV series. promise, you’ll learn see more of it. and perhaps, see more life out of it :)
