âMaâam ?â The waitress said again. Juny looked up startled, not sure where her mind had wandered off to. âI asked if you want another refill?â the waitress held up the coffee pot expectantly. Juny stared fixedly at the diner logo on the front of the menu. It depicting a diesel truck breaking through a road guard to reach the namesake of the diner: Mohave Mackâs printed in comic book block letters. In the awkward silence, the jukebox spun an old recording of I Fall to Pieces while she tried to clear her head.
     âNo.â she said. âI was just leaving.â
    With her purse already over her shoulder, she gathered up her duffel bag and backpack, wondering which one she would have to ditch first. She walked past the barstools along the length of the diner and dismissed the few men sitting there brooding over their coffee. It was late morning, and the sun was already well above the horizon. Her car had broken down just outside of town and sheâd deserted it at the repair shop. She didnât have the money to fix it and sheâd already taken everything of any value to her out of it.
     Along the line of trucks there were a few late starters still fueling up, or inspecting their rigs before heading out on the road. She moved surreptitiously up the line, examining the drivers she could see. She wasnât sure what she was looking for, but she would know when she saw it, or him. It wasnât hope that drove her, but necessity. Sheâd already given up hope a few days ago. Hope was a luxury. She didnât believe in luck either. All she had was her resolve, a sort of resigned abandonment. She was going to get out, or she would be dead, but she wouldnât stay here.
     She avoided the old Mexican man with the sagging pants and white tank top. She also ignored the lanky creep with the button up shirt and thick square glasses. Almost near the end, she saw someone that might work. Checking the connectors on the trailer, he was chubby, middle aged, and wearing a âReal Men Love Jesusâ T-shirt. She approached him dragging her bag as if it were a little heavier than it actually was. Innocent as the day he was born, the puppy dog look in his eyes was already there even before he glanced over and noticed her. He was perfect. She smiled at him encouragingly and he walked toward her to offer help.
     Just over his shoulder though, she saw another truck driver doing his pre-trip inspection. He was tall, with dark messy hair, and arms fully sleeved with tattoos. Standing up on the side of his truck, his face was in plain view. She got a chill when she saw him. It couldnât beâŠit just couldnât! It was impossible. The helpful puppy dog was just starting to ask if she needed help, but she walked by him like he wasnât there, moving toward the dark haired man as if in a trance.
     âNico?â She called hesitantly. He looked up and locked eyes with her. Mutual recognition reflected in his eyes and confirmed her suspicion. Everything that had happened to her since she last saw him seemed to pass through her mind. Getting married and moving away, dropping out of college, the divorce, the string of bad relationships, even the places her mind didnât want to go, the watermarks of several years all seemed to slide past her as she dropped her bags and ran toward him.
     âJuny!â he said laughing as he pulled her into an embrace and lifted her up, spinning her in a circle before setting her down again.
     âWhat are you doing here?â They both said at the same time.
     âI canât believe this!â Juny said. âItâs really you! Iâm heading back to Omaha!â
     âNo shit?â Nico laughed. âIâm on my way to Salt Lake City, and then heading home myself.â
     âI donât suppose you have room for an old friend, do you?â she asked sweetly.
     âHm. I dunnoâŠWhat do I get out of it?â Nico grinned mischievously.
    âEye candy!â Juny posed with her hand on her hip and put on pouty lips. âAnd better company for a road trip than your own boring self!â
     âTrue that!â he laughed. âHop in.â
    A few moments later, her mind was still reeling with the incredible turn of events as she climbed up into the cab of his truck. The inside was pleasantly dark, with wood paneling along the dash. There was some sort of fragrance she couldnât place coming from the dark sleeping compartment, hidden by a curtain behind the seats. It vaguely reminded her of going to church with her grandmother when she was a little girl. He hopped into the driverâs seat after tossing her duffel bag into the back. As he drove them out of the truck-stop parking lot, Juny was startled by the sound of a brazen gong, quickly followed by wind chimes, a rain stick, and something that sounded like a drunken xylophone player falling asleep at his instrument. âHope you donât mind my driving music. It helps me to concentrate.â
     âOk, weirdo.â She shook her head in amazement.
    They headed north on I-15 through the Mohave Desert, catching up on almost fifteen years of separation. He told her about how things had changed over the years back home, old hang-outs torn down, and what things are still the same. He told her about the army, getting married, his daughter, the divorce, and truck driving school. All the while she studied his face, his mannerisms, even his clothes as if trying to memorize them. She could still see the boy she used to know, her childhood friend under his masculine features. Â
     âAnyway so what about you? How did you end up out here?â Nico asked. Juny stared out the window at the distant mountains, all rock and sand, the salt flats, and the scraggly bushes scattered across the barren desert floor. She wasnât sure how to answer. The past few years were one mistake after another, from one dangerous choice to the next. It was a pattern of self destructive behavior culminating at rock bottom in that lonely desert.
     âWell, I finally got sick of California and decided to leave. But my car died outside of Victorville. Now I know why the Eagles wrote Hotel California. You can check out but donât you dare try to leave!â Her voice became distant. âI was just going to hitch a ride, or walk if I had to. I just wanted to get back home. Nothing was gonna stop me.â She paused. âThen you came along like a guardian angel.â She smiled at him.
     âOh Iâm no angel.â He grinned.  âCalifornia is nice to visit but I couldnât live here. Unless it was up north somewhere. I donât know how you made it this long! Last time I saw you was just before you moved out here with Charles. Whatever happened to that guy anyway?â
     Up ahead she could see they were just about to cross out of California. It was the first time since she moved that she was leaving with no intention of ever coming back. The cheap glamour of shopping outlets and fast food joints that mark Stateline didnât spoil her feeling of freedom at all. She was finally going to be free. Stretching her arms above her head, she put her feet up on the dash and felt some of her tension dissipate.
    She thought about where Nico and she had left off. Nico had been there when she and Charles first started dating. He had been there for a while even after. But they had grown apart before she was married, and she never even said goodbye when she left for California. Somehow, that had always bothered her. It had felt like being interrupted before the end of a movie, and never getting back around to seeing the ending. But that isnât what she told him about.
     She also didnât tell him about their first few years in San Diego either, when it was just her and Charles against the world, working while he finished college, buying a house, trips to Ensenada, house parties, becoming socialites among the upper echelon. The distractions, the constant work and distance that grew like a disease between them. She didnât mention her terrible loneliness in those years, or the opportunities to cheat that she passed up on. At the time, she had told herself that they were just going through a rough spot, that things would get better.
    âCharles and I split up about five years ago,â she said finally. âAfter all the sacrifices I made for him the bastard ended up cheating on me. I donât even know how many times, or with how many other women. I felt like a fucking idiot! I was just a trophy he could show around town for social functions, a political expediency. I guess hindsight is twenty-twenty. I know now he never really loved me.â
     âWow Iâm sorry. I never saw that coming. Listen if you donât want to talk about it I totally understand.â
    âI donât mind now. It was a long time ago. It feels nice to tell it to someone who âgetsâ me. Iâll tell you this: he was a pretty good liar. If he had a talent for anything, it would be that. I really did believe our relationship was real.â
     âThere must have been a time when it was real, at least, in the beginning.â
    âI donât think so. It was never about anything other than what he could get from me. He was a psychopath. He actually had the audacity to look at me with pity when I found out.â
     âAre you sure it wasnât guilt?â
    âPsh. Yes! When I confronted him about it, he didnât apologize or try to explain anything. He just asked if that meant we were over. As if I would stay with him after that!â
     âI donât know Juny. I mean it is shitty what happened. But I think he really did love you. After you first started dating I remember him telling me once that you were his soul mate.â
     âOh yeah,â she said scornfully. âHe told me the same thing all the time. In the beginning, I totally bought into his bullshit. I had my whole world wrapped up in his success because I thought it was âourâ success. Once the divorce was finalized, he just walked out of the courtroom without even looking at me. Iâd be just as happy to never see him again.â
     âWell for what itâs worth, I thought you guys would be happy together the rest of your lives. I actually used to imagine it and be happy for you. Iâm sorry to hear that wasnât the case,â Nico said.
     âI used to think the same thing,â Juny said.
    âHey, remember when we were in third grade and we went on that field trip to the Western Heritage Museum down by the river?â Nico asked suddenly.
     âOh my God! Misty?â
     âYes!â Nico smacked the steering wheel laughing.
     âShe was being such a little snot! She kept bullying everyone and making fun of that slow kidâŠâ
     âCarl Mitchell.â Nico interjected.
    âYeah. She told the teacher Carl pissed his pants after spilling her soda in his lap! He didnât even try to defend himself. Wow. I havenât thought of that in years!â Juny said.
     âYou know whatâs really weird?â Nico said. âThe last time I remember seeing her was when we pushed her into that broom closet and locked the door. I donât remember seeing her on the bus trip home, and I donât remember ever seeing her at school again after. But she must have been there, right?â
     Juny sat in silence for a few minutes.
     âI donât remember eitherâŠâ
    âSometimes I think maybe she is still in that broom closet, arms crossed and refusing to cry, keeping her pride instead of being rescued.â
     They passed through Vegas so caught up in childhood reveries that Juny hardly noticed. By late afternoon, they were already nearing the Arizona border. Juny was telling him about her most recent break up with a guitarist in a screamo band. It had been fun until he started getting too serious. He had written a song about her which she thought was pretty cool. But she knew she had to leave when he said he was in love with her. He didnât even really know her, so how could he really be in love? What was he in love with? It was stupid. And she couldnât do to him what Charles had done to her. Keep him living in an illusion of something that was never going to go anywhere.
     âI suppose there is a sort of impeccability in that,â Nico said. âBut I still think you are wrong about Charles never loving you. When he told me that you were his soul mate, I didnât believe it, but I could tell he was being sincere. He was totally besotted with you.â
     âWhy are you so hell bent on defending him?â Juny said irritably.  He hadnât been there. He hadnât seen how manipulative and deceitful Charles had been. He had been off having an amazing life while she was lost, empty, and alone. Some part of her knew that was unfair, and not true, but she squashed it down.
    âIâm not defending what he did.â Nico broke into her thoughts. âI am just saying that your decision that he never loved you might not be true. But true or not, it is affecting how you look at the world. Maybe his feelings were strong but gradually faded. Itâs like when you make plans to go out with friends. When you first make the plans, you are excited and canât wait to see them. But then the day comes and youâre tired. Youâve had a bad week, and you still kind of want to see them, but you really donât feel like goingâŠâ
     âOh my god!â Juny interrupted him. Her incredulity was boiling over. âReally? Youâve got to be kidding me! So you can make a promise that is supposed to come from the heart, from a supposed âsoul mate,â his words not mine, and then just change your mind? Like something as inconsequential as a lunch? Ugh! There are certain things you donât say unless you really fucking mean them. Apparently men donât get it though. So is that what happened with you and your wife? Did you just one day wake up and say, âIâm tired of you, itâs over.ââ
     âNot exactly.â He said, completely unaffected by her outburst. âWe were both relatively happy, but I always felt like there was something off about our relationship. We werenât lacking anything really, but somehow I always felt like something was missing, like she wasnât right for me. And I think she could sense it too. I guess it finally wore her down. She was sick of trying to live up to an ideal I had in my mind that she couldnât match.â
    âEverybody has an ideal that they hold a partner up to on some level. If you were happy in every other way and never made a big deal of it then why should she? Didnât she do the same thing to you?â
     âNot that I was aware of.â
     Juny rolled her eyes. âTrust me; it was there even if you were too blind to see it.â
    âThe truth is she knew who my ideal was. My standard was my best friend growing up. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone that I felt totally comfortable being myself with. That is what I always thought my marriage should be like. Like it was when we were kids.â
    Juny looked out the window to keep her face from showing. The highway was curving through tall canyons with steep craggy surfaces all around them. She had to swallow hard before she could speak. âThatâs really fucked up.â It came out softly, which irritated her because she had wanted to pack it with as much scorn as she could muster. âThat she knew you felt that is awful. That you would admit it is even worse.â Her voice was regaining some of its strength. âAnd that you would confess that to me is completely shitty! That is totally unfair!â
    âReally? So youâre going to deny that youâve done the same thing in all of your relationships? It never crossed your mind that Charles was feeling the same inadequacy as my wife?â
     âOh ok. So itâs my fault my husband was unfaithful. Thatâs great. Thanks for that.â
    âIâm not saying that. But if youâre going to walk around with the stigmata of a victim everywhere you go, donât leave a wake of other victims behind you.â Nico shook his head. âIâm sorry. Iâve been quiet for a long time. Sometimes I forget how to talk to people.â
     âNo go ahead and keep talking. Itâs amusing. Iâd rather listen to your idiocy then this crap you call music.â
    He turned his head toward her with his eyes bulging out in mock affront and his face a perfect replica of the mask of tragedy. She bit her lip, but it was no good. They both burst out laughing.
     âHow is it you never get mad?â she asked.
    âI feel anger; I just donât feed it with thought. Anyway, when you look at people and understand them, and understand yourself, there isnât much to be angry about anymore. Here: we are in Utah now. Letâs stop for dinner before you decide to chew my head off.â It was nearing sunset when they came into St. George, Utah. They sat in comfortable silence in a roadside diner watching the sun go down behind the distant desert mountains on the other side of the freeway. It was dark by the time they left.
     Utah was not else but headlights on the highway and darkness all around. Nico had turned off the music they had listened to all day, and strangely Juny felt mildly anxious without it. They had been driving for hours since leaving St George. The time had stretched out so that she felt like dawn should have come hours ago. She couldnât remember the last time they went through a town, or passed a gas station. The quiet solace from earlier was gone and Juny felt uneasy. Nico radiated the silence like an impenetrable shroud. She wanted to ask him about his tattoos. She had been staring at them since he picked her up, but still couldnât tell what any of them really were. She recognized images in them, like the caduceus and what looked like dna strands.  There were other symbols and glyphs which looked familiar, but she couldnât place them.
     She tried to think of a story from their childhood she could reminisce about. But every time she was about to speak, the hum of the engine and the sound of the highway would overwhelm her, stilling her tongue. In this oppressive mood, she began to feel doubt toward him. His face was set in a way that made him look nothing like her childhood friend. She tried to rationalize her ratcheting anxiety, to explain it as her unwillingness to accept something good was happening after so much bad. But at the same time, his absent and brooding silence made him seem alien and strange. What if it was her friend, but he had grown up to be a sociopath? Was there any way he could have stalked her to that truck stop? A lot could happen to change a person over the years. How did she know he was safe?
     She began to think about the 9mm she had in her purse. He looked over at her at that moment. The console lights reflecting off his left eye looked menacing. His right eye looked like a pit of darkness. She felt like he was looking through her, and yet not seeing her at the same time. He looked inhuman. Like a nightmare caricature of a person. Inside, her panic had reached a level of absolute terror. Outwardly, she tried to take long slow breaths, casually slipping her hand into her purse to grip the pistol. She wasnât going to use it; she just wanted to feel safe. He looked at her again out of the corner of his eye and smirked. She gripped the pistol tighter.
     âYou know if you shoot me, youâre gonna kill us both. Donât forget I am in the driverâs seat.â
    âYouâre frightening me!â Junyâs voice was thick with emotion. Her voice sounded like it was coming from someone else. She pulled the gun out of her purse. The spell of silence was finally broken, but she still surprised herself when she began shouting. âI want out, do you understand? Not here, but the next town. Or so help me God I will blow your fucking brains all over the window!â
     âSome things never change.â Nico shook his head. âYouâve always been afraid of me. Ever since we were little. Do you remember? We used to dream together until you freaked out about it.â
     âBullshit!â she said. âThat never happened. Youâre a fucking liar. Youâre not Nico. I donât know what you are butâŠâ She trembled as a dĂ©jĂ vu came over her.  I donât know who you are but you arenât Nico. She had said that to him before, a long time ago. âThe water tower,â she said as sudden memory overwhelmed her. âYou would take my hand and we would float to the topâŠâ
     âCome on Juny, its easy.â âIâm scared.â âIâll never let you fall. You will always be safe with me.â Her pajamas turned into a pair of jeans and a puffy pink jacket, her loose flowing hair suddenly in twin braids. He wasnât wearing a jacket, but it made her feel more confident to wear one. She looked into his eyes and he smiled. One eye seemed brighter than the other, but in these dreams it always did. âIs this real?â she asked. âYeah,â he said simply. He pulled her hand and they floated up to the top and lay down. The stars overhead drifted by like flotsam in a stream.
     âHow in the hell could I have forgotten...â More glimpses and fragments began to assert themselves in her memory. Chasing each other through the park like ghosts in the middle of the night, sitting on the roof of her house laughing until one of them woke up, exploring strange places that she still couldnât quite remember. The nightmares. Her mind recoiled against the wall of that memory. That was when their friendship had really started to deteriorate. She had thought it was just that they were outgrowing their childhood games. But he was right. She had been frightened.
     âLook into the mirror until you disappear.â Nico reminded her.
     âWhen I am empty, everything I look at fulfills meâŠâ she finished.
    Tears stung her eyes. All those years searching the faces of strangers, scanning crowds, never sure what she was looking for. It all made sense now. Even putting herself in danger- âYou promised you would be there!â she sobbed. âYou wouldnât let anything happen to me. I didnât think anything could harm meâŠthat I was invulnerableâŠbut you werenât there! Even when I was raped-I was in hell and you never came.â
     âBut I did. You had to survive all that on your own, it was the only thing that would make you radiant enough for me to find you. In the midst of your pain, you found the part of yourself that could not be defiled, and awoke your true self. Donât you remember I said I would be there when you have abandoned everything, even yourself, and are falling into the abyss? âWhen all hope is lost and you are alone in the desert, I will be there.â I promised I would catch you. And I have.â
    Juny awoke to a change in momentum, and the sound of airbrakes. She groggily opened her eyes and saw they were exiting the freeway. Sitting up and stretching in her seat, she was surprised to see it was still dark outside. She could see the freeway curving off away from them in the distance and the top of the off ramp was lit by a solitary amber streetlight. Nico glanced over at her and smiled.
     âI thought you were going to sleep all the way to Omaha!â he said cheerfully.
     âWhere are we?â she asked.
    âJust on the outskirts of Salt Lake City,â Nico said. âWe are delivering to a warehouse just up the road. It shouldnât take more than a half hour to unload.â Juny sat curled up in her seat watching him as he drove into the warehouse driveway, and maneuvered the truck so he could back the trailer against a loading dock. The overnight workers already had the bay door open and Nico hopped out to go help unload the trailer.
    On the opposite side of the warehouse parking lot, a line of trees blocked any view of what lay beyond. Lacking anything else to see, Juny took the time to freshen up a bit while she waited. Aside from the puffiness her face always seemed to get whenever she slept, her make-up had faded and her mascara had smeared. She used make-up remover towelettes and a compact mirror to wipe her face clean. It seemed like a week since she had put the make-up on, but really it had only been since just before breakfast.
     She dug out her eyeliner, held it up to her eyelid and paused. The lights along the outside of the warehouse gave her just enough light to really examine her face. She let the eyeliner and compact fall into her lap and studied her face in the side mirror outside the passenger door. The puffiness had gone down considerably. Aside from missing make-up, her face also seemed to have gained something. Her face looked softer than usual. Maybe it wasnât that her face had gained something, but rather had shed layers of armor. The hardness, the tightness around her eyes and mouth were gone. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she admitted to herself that she was pretty. She smiled awkwardly, as if she had nearly forgotten how, and tossed her unused make-up back in her bag.
    âThere you are!â Nico said getting back into the cab. His smile was so genuine, like a childâs that Juny smiled back. âDid you miss me?â
     âI hardly noticed you were gone.â Juny quipped. âSo what happens now? I feel ready for anything.â
    âWell, the sun will be up in a few hours, but weâre heading east from here. So Iâm thinking about crashing awhile, at least until after the sun is a little higher in the sky. Otherwise weâll be driving with the sun blinding me the whole time. There is a truck stop the next off ramp. You can sleep on the top bunk.â He pulled the curtain to the sleeper quarters to show her the bunk beds. She glanced over and shook her head again. He didnât look tired and she had already had a long nap, but stretching out and not being in that passenger seat for a while sounded great.
     It didnât take long to get to the truck stop. Once there, Nico let her slip in behind the curtain to change into a pair of gym shorts and a t-shirt, which was what she usually wore to bed. The back of the curtain had the silhouette of a tree embroidered into it, with its twin growing upside down from the same roots. There was a small cabinet behind his seat with what looked like a strange sort of altar, and the ashes of incense on a burner.
     âAre you done yet?â Nico laughed, pushing on the curtain so that it shimmered and exposed her to the cab. She was done, but she pushed her bare leg through the opening, and wrapped herself partly in the curtain so that it draped along her body except where her leg was exposed.
    âI have not yet begun, child,â Juny said in a fake eastern European accent. She opened the curtain all the way and plopped back into the passenger seat so he could take a turn changing. When he was done, he lit a small candle, and poured oil into a warmer on the altar. The fragrance was soothing and pleasant. He put on his CD from earlier, (apparently it was from Tibet), and lay down to sleep in the candlelight. Juny lay on her side staring at the curtain wide awake.
    Her mind was silent, and the Tibetan music was lulling her into a state of wakeful peace. Looking at the curtain sideways, the mirrored trees looked like bronchial tubes. She looked over at the candle flame. She squinted her eyes off and on making little lines flare off from the column of fire. She noticed if she squinted her eyes just right, the flame would flare into another silhouette of a tree and branches.
    Behind the music, she could hear Nicoâs rhythmic breathing. She carefully got down off the top bunk and knelt down beside his bed. She noticed that she felt completely content, but at the same time, watching him sleep made her feel far away from him in a disconcerting way. She wanted to be wherever he was. She crawled into the bed with him and lay beside him. Lean muscled, warm, and soft, she rested her head on his chest. She could hear his heartbeat. She kissed him lightly on the shoulder, his neck, and lips. He opened his eyes, and she felt like she was falling toward him from a great height. His left eye was reflecting the candle light as he reached up and ran his fingers along the side of her face.
     âAre you sure you are ready for this?â he asked.
     âIâve been ready a long time,â Juny said softly.
    They set out later that afternoon under a partly cloudy sky. They came out of the mountains of northern Utah and into southern Wyoming caught up in telling jokes, singing classic rock songs, and watching out for wildlife in the grasslands of the high plains. Juny hadnât felt so care free and happy since she was a small child, if then. Whenever she and Nico looked at each other she felt amazing. It was like an echo. She could feel his energy feeding her, and hers feeding him, and both of them growing with it.
     âIâve been trying to remember all day,â she said just after dark. âWhen did we first meet? I feel like you were always there. But my family moved to Omaha when I was six years old. Is that when we met?â Nico looked at her and shook his head.
     âNo. We never actually met. Weâve always been together.â Nico looked at her and his left eye was shining with such warmth and love that she felt like she was floating in it. The light seemed to get brighter and brighter, filling his whole face. âWe will always be together.â
     Juny felt the truck shift direction and stared in shock as the road turned to the left underneath them. The truck plowed into the guard rail and went careening down a ravine. In free fall, she heard Nico speaking but his voice had changed.
     âMaâam? I asked if you want another refill?â
     The windshield shattered into hundreds of pieces, the glass seeming to float with her in darknessâŠ
     Screaming in terror, Juny flung up her hands-
    The waitress recoiled away from her as Junyâs flailing knocked the coffee pot out of her hands. Her scream cut off just as the coffee pot hit the ground and shattered, sending glass and coffee splattering across the tiles.  She realized she was still at Mohave Mackâs and the entire diner was staring at her. Her heart was racing a mile a minute as she lifted her shaking hands to her face. Her skin felt spongy, and oscillating as if her cells were vibrating. Her whole body seemed to be humming. The waitress was glowing like the aura of a candle. âWhat the hellâs wrong with youâŠâ the waitress said. The look on her face of confusion and fear mirrored Junyâs feelings so much that she actually got the giggles.
     âGoddamn tweakersâŠâ the waitress muttered walking back through the swinging door to the kitchen to get a mop. The men along the bar went back to stewing over their coffee cups, not wanting to get involved in anyone elseâs troubles. She could sense their discomfort toward her, but somehow she felt detached from it. It had nothing to do with her. An older woman with gaunt overly rouged cheeks made sure she saw the disdainful look she had for her before looking away. The rest of her group, all seniors clearly on a bus trip to Vegas, studiously ignored her.
     In the silence, Fade Into You played on the jukebox. Everyone seemed to be glowing, radiating a soft golden light. She could feel Nico in that light. She knew she would never be able to explain what had just happened to her, but it didnât matter. She grabbed her bags and walked out into the sunlight. It was a perfect day; warm sunlight, and a cool breeze under a blue sky with giant white thunderheads on the horizon. She put her hand on her chest, and could feel Nicoâs heart beating like an echo of her own.
     âWhen I am empty, everything I look at fulfills meâŠâ she thought, and smiled.
