under-the-elvish-sun:
…
Xi’mia knotted her fingers together in her lap as she sat. Glancing at Yue and then at other things, her hands, the teapot, just to the side. It was only moments with Yue, and Xi felt the old youthful doubt begin to seep in. Yue and the enormity of her ship, the effect she had on her crew, her friend had changed so much.
“Other people might describe it as a peace offering, or a gift, if you didn’t look at it in such bad faith.” She didn’t try to hide her disappointment. Prior to this meeting she had meant to knock down all her barriers and felt stripped raw by even the intention.
“And if it is a bribe then it’s one that benefits Asfahal too, I rushed it I did, but who can deny you’re an astounding figure on the sea. Asfahal is so land based we hardly support our coasts. The twingate’s have ports that far surpass ours with far fewer resources and if we don’t want to be left behind as the world grows more reliant on sea travel and trade then we have to compete. Our small ships would be sitting ducks for other pirates without someone on our side as…”
She paused when she realized she was out of breath. Eyes stuck on Yue while her hand held a teacup too tightly. She released it and pulled her hand back.
“I’m doing it again. I’ve become so work focused it’s all I do now. Always returning to it when I feel like I’m losing control.” No wonder you found me boring, was something she could not say. This judgement, another vestige of her youth she thought she’d dealt with already.
Just tell her. Xi’mia echoed Yue’s suggestion in her own mind.
“I killed my brother’s lover all those years ago, Yue.” It slipped out of her, the worst thing she’d ever done. “I killed her because. Oh- You should have seen the things he did to her. She wasn’t human, she wasn’t- And he said it was all out of love, that he couldn’t bear to lose her.” She ached, an all over-full body ache. Xi’mia thought for a moment it was because she started with the most difficult admission first. The most painful to drag out of her. But she realized she was shaking.
“I did it- When I did it I thought that it was a mercy. What kind of life was she living now that magic had twisted her so terribly. He couldn’t have just let nature take its course, so selfish, to do that to her.” She focused on a point in the distance but was unable to focus her words. “I thought of it as an act of kindness when I did it. Human’s have their number of days to live like any living being, I couldn’t keep prolonging her death magically. I thought…” She turned her hands upward in her lap, cupped, like an offering.
Whether Xi’mia was offering Yue this truth, or something bigger present her repentance was unclear.
“Maybe I was just… weak.”
But they weren’t different people and if her perspective was colored, Xi’mia had chosen the hue. It was Xi’mia, who stepped away first. It was Xi’mia who made Yue realize that it wasn’t a feeling she cared much for, to be left in the dust of the world, to be left alone in the dark, reaching endlessly for someone who would not reach out to you.
So Yue changed. And Yue learned to run first and to run far and to never stand still. She taught herself that love was stagnant water and freedom was the sea, carrying you, cradling you. Like a sinking ship desperate to stay afloat, Yue threw the unnecessary weight of her memories overboard.
If Xi’mia did not need her, Yue would not need Xi’mia. She would not be insubordinate, she would not yearn for impossible things. She would not be homesick.
So she raised a single, mocking eyebrow at Xi’mia’s rant, as much affectionate as cutting. They had danced this dance many times. Like the ocean and the moon, always pushing and pulling, always distant.
And then Xi’mia changed the game. Xi’mia shook and Yue crossed the distance between them in an instant, taking her friend’s offered hand, head tilted slightly to listen to her story.
All these years, she had carried this alone?
She gently cupped Xi’mia’s face in her free hand, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead before leaning back and holding her gaze.
“No, chih, you weren’t weak. Never that. You were brave and strong enough to realize that life is not counted in days, but in heartbeats. You are the strongest person I know.” To carry this all alone, for so long. To take this burden and make it hers, share it with no one. Wasn’t that strength, according to the romantic tales? To suffer in grace.
“It is only the weak who are too afraid of the unknown to realize there are many things far worse than death.” No, death was mercy. Death was the only thing that made life worth it.
Just having too much time was enough to long for its sweet embrace.
“What happened then? I doubt he took to it kindly.”








